Headwrecked as I try to move on with new man

LegacyUser

I broke up with a guy i was totally mental about and wrapped up in this time last September.we had been dating for 2 and a 1/2 Years and had been thinking about engagement + house buying (both 30).He could not commit as he felt he was not in the right mindset and could not focus on being in a relationship. He definitely was not treating me right or showing enough interest.we decided to end it as this attitude and his behavior was affecting me badly.It hurt both of us as we had been very close at the hight of things but i was utterly devestated. i thought he was the one.

Few mnths on and we have managed to be friends.Now I have started seeing a new guy - only a few weeks - but my ex spotted us together in our local. He now seems to be ignoring me as we would normally see eachother in the local at the weekends but he is not going there anymore even tho his friends are.We used to text on and off during the week, now nothing at all.

I still have strong feelings for him and while I like the new guy I would drop him in 2 secs if my ex asked for another chance.
Its so hard to move on with things being this way.Ex is sure he doesnt want a relationship but now I cant have him in my life because i am trying to move on.

I also realise I am being unfair to the new fella who is a pure dote as he thinks I am the only one on his mind.The ex seems to have some real issues but its like trying to get blood out of a stone getting him to open up.

Any advice would be appreciated plese.

padser

Let the new fella go.

You know your being unfair to him.

Ruu_Old

Agreed, the longer you continue with the new chap then the more it is going to hurt him. Your ex is being very selfish.

BeardyGit

I'll add my agreement to Ruu's..... Padser says it all really.

bug

padser wrote:

Let the new fella go.

You know your being unfair to him.

Really?
I would have said, will yourself to move forward.

The ex is the ex, for whatever reasons and whatever motivations, he couldn't commit to you, or more so, wouldn't.
After two and a half years, its a fair slog to know where you stand with someone. The ex seems to know, you need to get into the same mind frame.

"mindsets" and "focusing on being in a relationship"... really, its not that difficult unless he is undergoing some serious pressure or something which you have left out.

If you got him back for a second go... is anything really going to be different?

Now you have someone nice.
Don't be foolish.
Are you really going to be in love with someone who couldn't commit to you?

Concentrate on letting your ex go.
Love is overrated. Most especially when its misdirected.
You can grow to love and learn to let go of it too.

0utshined

Ruu wrote:

Your ex is being very selfish.

Huh? Not sure how you work that one out. Things weren't working out so they broke up. If he doesn't want to keep in touch with her that's his decision even if she does find herself hurt by it.

I agree with the rest of them to break up with newguy though, it sounds like you're just not into him so why bother going through the motions.

AnonoBoy

puzzledpup wrote:

The ex seems to have some real issues but its like trying to get blood out of a stone getting him to open up.

Any advice would be appreciated plese.

He's your ex-boyfriend. Why are you trying to get him to 'open up' about what's on his mind. He probably still likes you and even though he knew the relationship wouldn't work he's still not happy seeing you with someone else. It's life - he's dealing with it how he can. If you're at him to try and get him to talk to you about it then you're not being fair to him. Let him stew on things himself and get over it himself - if he wants to talk about things I'm sure he has plenty of friends he can mull things over with. His ex-girlfriend is not the one for him to be having that sort of conversation with - especially when she has a new boyfriend.

Sorry but you are no longer a couple, you don't get to know what he's thinking anymore. It's the way life works.

My advice is to let him go - stop obsessing over what he's doing/thinking andd start moving on yourself.

Ruu_Old

0utshined wrote:

Huh? Not sure how you work that one out. Things weren't working out so they broke up. If he doesn't want to keep in touch with her that's his decision even if she does find herself hurt by it.

I agree with the rest of them to break up with newguy though, it sounds like you're just not into him so why bother going through the motions.

Selfish the way he started ignoring her and yeah thats fair enough as I'm sure he is hurting and dealing with things in his own way. He couldn't have her and didn't want anyone else to so that is just the way I see things.

Carrigart Exile

I am sure your ex felt about you like you felt about him, I suspect your 5 year plan that included marraige, house and babies scared the living daylights out of him and he opted out. It doesn't mean he stopped loving you. He has, however, seen you with a new guy and is doing the decent thing which is to give you space to develop your relationship with new guy without him being in the way. Your comment about dropping new guy in a second is horrible and I hope no one ever treats you like that.

Zulu

Ruu wrote:

Your ex is being very selfish.

Are you insane?

dr.bollocko

Well you cant go back with your ex if you broke up with him because he treated you badly.
Why would it ever be different?
Maybe this new guy is the perfect guy you have been waiting for, maybe he's not, but surely it's better to have a new man than return to the one that ****ed your head up so bad?

Wibbs

Carrigart Exile wrote:

It doesn't mean he stopped loving you. He has, however, seen you with a new guy and is doing the decent thing which is to give you space to develop your relationship with new guy without him being in the way.

Exactly. He's giving you space.

Your comment about dropping new guy in a second is horrible and I hope no one ever treats you like that.

Yep well out of order. That poor bastard is probably thinking along completely different lines to you. You can't use people to "help you grow", you know. You want to have your cake and eat it. You want the frisson of excitement of the new guy, with the emotional support and feelings of loss and "love" with the ex in the background. You wont let go of one branch until you got your hand on another. Talk about self centered and selfish. It may be a shock to you, but the world doesn't revolve entirely around your needs. At 30 you should now this by now. Maybe I'm reading you wrong and if I am apologies, but that's how it reads.

Zulu wrote:

Are you insane?

Yea I was wondering about the whole the "ex is being selfish". He might have treated her badly and wasn't willing to commit. These things happen. Boo hoo. He told her and they split. She thought he was "the one". Many a woman has perished on that rock. He did try to be friends, which is damned hard to do after any long relationship. Now you're with someone else and you still want that backup?

Beruthiel

puzzledpup wrote:

I still have strong feelings for him and while I like the new guy I would drop him in 2 secs if my ex asked for another chance.

Then why are you with this new guy? Do you think he'd be happy to know he's just second best and a filler in who'll do for the moment? That's more than a tad cruel imo and he deserves to be out there looking for someone who truly cares for him like he deserves if he's that much of a dote.
You need to finish with him and take some time out being single until you've sorted your head out.

If you are finished with your ex for good then you have to break all contact with him until you are completely over him. Otherwise you are never going to move on.

The ex seems to have some real issues but its like trying to get blood out of a stone getting him to open up.

If ye are finished, why should he be talking to you about this or anything else if he doesn't wish to do so?

Marksie

I agree with Beruthiel on this. It seem you and your ex have been hanging onto each other like drowning men.

Your ex has realised and then let go while you have moved onto clinging to another piece of driftwood.

It is not fair on your current b/friend to be feeling like this. It could end up with more heartache