Close Friend Dating My Ex

maz27

I broke up with a guy a while ago. He dumped me and I was still into him for a long time afterwards. I cried on my friends shoulder. About 4 months ago I realised something was going on between them. I called her and she admitted they had feelings for each other and wanted to get together. What could I do but get out of the way, it would've happened anyway. I haven't spoken to her since.

We all live in a small town. I dont want to see them. I used to meet friends for coffee, go out for dinner etc. but now the invitations have dried up as they all know unless its not in town I will not go. I have asked trusted friends not directly invloved in this situation what I should do. They think I either need to face up to her or move away neither of which I want to do. Any other suggestions for moving on?

cance

what else can you do?

You are seperating yourself from the outside world, you cant expect your friends to come to visit you all the time.

Face up to it and move on. You need your friends.

padser

To be honest its your own fault that inviatations have dried up - if you are not willing to accept them.

You got to just get over it, your not willing to go out in your town because you might bump into your ex with one of your friends? Come on. I'd understand if they were actually invited to the same thing, but just on the off change of bumping into them/??

AnonoBoy

You're considering moving away? That seems excessive.

How long were you with this guy? What age are you all.

I can understand that you don't want to meet them but not accepting any invitations unless they're out of town seems a bit excessive. If you are out fo coffee with friends and they pass on the street will that affect you that much that you are willing to let all your friends go for it?

I'm afraid you've just got to face up to it. It's not a pleasant situation to be in and I don't envy you but you can't hide away in your room forever. You have done nothing wrong and will just have to live with some awkward situations.

You shouldn't let this take over your life.

Beetlebum

maz27 wrote:

I broke up with a guy a while ago. He dumped me and I was still into him for a long time afterwards. I cried on my friends shoulder. About 4 months ago I realised something was going on between them. I called her and she admitted they had feelings for each other and wanted to get together. What could I do but get out of the way, it would've happened anyway. I haven't spoken to her since.

We all live in a small town. I dont want to see them. I used to meet friends for coffee, go out for dinner etc. but now the invitations have dried up as they all know unless its not in town I will not go. I have asked trusted friends not directly invloved in this situation what I should do. They think I either need to face up to her or move away neither of which I want to do. Any other suggestions for moving on?

Ouch...It's hard enough seeing an ex move on but to move onto your so-called friend is really tough. Neither of them is worth your time or tears and the best and probably only plan of action is to pull yourself together and get back out there. Maybe get a lovely new haircut and but yourself some great new clothes, hit the town with your friends and don't let them win. F*ck them!! Why should you isolate yourself from your friends while they have a great time together? Plus, if you sit at home moping there's zero chance of meeting anybody new. I know it hurts but you have to accept the pain, release it and move on. You'll meet somebody new and you'll forget all about them. In the meantime, enjoy being single and free.

Kell

maz27 wrote:

I called her and she admitted they had feelings for each other and wanted to get together.

Sounds like she is quite a cool mate. She could have been a fúckhead and lied to you, but instead she came clean and was honest with you.

She sounds like she is worth retaining as a friend. You have to just breath in deep and accept that life goes on and while you would like to have everyone be everything to you all the time, they just cant be.

K-

maz27

I went out with him for about 6 months, we're all in our 30s... Finding it difficult to trust people, mutual friends no longer bring them up in conversation, not sure who knew about it, who didn't etc. Have decided not to ask... You're right though I just have to keep pushing myself to face up to it

Kell

maz27 wrote:

I went out with him for about 6 months, we're all in our 30s... Finding it difficult to trust people

Trust doesnt come into it. Perhaps re-evaluate what meaning trust holds for you and put yourself in their shoes i.e. if you discovered you had really strong feelings for a friends ex, would you put potential happiness aside for the sake your mate? I think not.

Again, she was honest with you. I dont see why there is an issue with trust.

K-

Icequeen

Maz I know this feels hard now but to be honest hon it was only a six month relationship and if you think about it you've probably had a few before that lasted longer, seriously it's not even long enough time to develope real genuine love for a person, I'd say right now whats hurting more is your pride. They aren't worth losing your friends over and chances are you'll meet someone more trustable and long term on a night out with your friends. It's bad enough that you live in a small town but the road your going down now you'll end up more isolated and you don't want to become that bitter old lady who lives with her cats do you? Get dressed up, go out with your friends and have a blast and forget the other two. Just move on and learn from the experience because you're only in your thirthys so you've a long way to go yet so don't let this one thing be what defines from now on. XX

Crea

You are acting like a victim. You went out with this guy for 6 months and now you're hiding at home. The couple are going on with their lives, regardless of how hurt you act they will not break up or change for you. You are being a pain in the ass for your friends, making them go out of their way for you. Eventually you won't be worth the hassle and they'll move on too.
If you had been married to this guy then i'd understand but this was a 6 month relationship. You are completely over-reacting to this new relationship.
If you keep on acting like this then you'll have to avoid town because everyone will think you're pathetic.
Get some dignity and get yourself together. You will think more of yourself and others will think more of you if you get dressed up, go out and face everyone including this couple. You won't get past this until you do.

LegacyUser

Bad form of your "Mate". If they become a close couple who look like lasting, it's finished for u and your mate even if u do want to become friends...i have seen this before.

AthAnRi

cheesedude wrote:

Bad form of your "Mate". If they become a close couple who look like lasting, it's finished for u and your mate even if u do want to become friends...i have seen this before.

All is fair in love and war my friend. the ops friend has done very little wrong imo. In fact if the OP was a good friend she would try to be happy for her.

I know there are people who believe that going out with a friends ex is off limits but what if they have genuine love for each other. They are both single people and haven't actually done much out of the way. she has been honest with you and you accepted it even if you don't like it. that was big of you, I understand that it must be difficul and all.

However in order for you to grow as a person you need to embrace them, be happy for them this will help you move on and allow you to find the person that will make you happy. Also you cannot allow your whole life to be dictated by this. they are your friends too. Avoiding her means you are avoiding a large part of your life and that is just childish.

Mighty_Mouse

Decision time lady.
Either you decide to relax and enjoy your life or get hung up and the crap life will consistently throw at you.



He dumped you, you cried. Sin é.

Its done and dusted, now stop moaning about it. After a certain length of time heart-break turns to drama queen.

Stop burning your mates ears with constant updates & bs.
"............... I seen so & so here.............." etc
Complete crap that even your closest mates will get sick of hearing.

Millions of people have ex's that they bump into regularly. Just be nice and polite. Ye used to date; So what?

Time to get over it, properly.

Spyral

Ouch...It's hard enough seeing an ex move on but to move onto your so-called friend is really tough

Unless she went behind your back, which she didn't, I dont see why you would discontinue your friendship.

Blondie86Star

Know what you're going through, after going out with someone for a year and a half, meant to go on holidays this summer, etc we broke up last wednesday. I found out 3 days ago one of my so called "best friends" slept with him on Saturday night.

What can I do

AthAnRi

Blondie86Star wrote:

Know what you're going through, after going out with someone for a year and a half, meant to go on holidays this summer, etc we broke up last wednesday. I found out 3 days ago one of my so called "best friends" slept with him on Saturday night.

What can I do

Exactly what can you do. Nothing it's happened nothing can change that./ the fact that it has happened so soon is nasty of that there is little doubt. Give it time and you will be over them.

axer

OP: I don't mean to sound bad but you were only going out for 6 months. You have to get over it. Either decide to move on with your life or move away. People do not really know each other in 6 months no matter how close they are so maybe the guy realised you were not the girl for him. He has that right and if he thought your friend was the one for him the he has the right to persue. Thats not a bad thing. Better knowing now than 2 years later. If he cheated on you with your friend then thats a different story...

LegacyUser

Yeah but it's more to do with how quick it happened? Like, a year or two later...fine i suppose, but that soon? Bit shambolic of the mate if u ask me. That and the fact she cried on her mates shoulder and it's that same mate...

AthAnRi

cheesedude wrote:

Yeah but it's more to do with how quick it happened? Like, a year or two later...fine i suppose, but that soon? Bit shambolic of the mate if u ask me. That and the fact she cried on her mates shoulder and it's that same mate...

Agreed it's not an ideal situation and I feel for the OP, but this is the situation the OP cannot change it. All the op can do is change her own situation and sitting around feeling sorry for herself is only gonna lead to depression. If she cares for her friend as I bet she does and if she wants to hang out in the circle of friends that includes this friend then she has no choice but to face her fear.

At first it will be difficult but eventually it will get easier and easier and eventually she will come to accept it completely. She cannot continue to bury her head in the sand. she was going out with the guy for 6 months and she has spent nearly the same length of time avoiding him and said friend.