boyfriend cant get it up

LegacyUser

Hi all I have a question and hope some guy / gal out there can answer it for me - I am a 31 year old female, fit and not too bad looking and have been seeing this guy (great friend for last 10 years but recently started getting more serious) 38 year old great looking guy, lovely to be with etc. We slept together for the first time in february and it was a bit like my very first time was, we were both very nervous as we have known each other for years and years, anyway he didnt get very 'hard' and I dont know why, I put it down to nerves etc. We both really enjoyed ourselves but he just wasnt very 'hard' as I said, I was worried that it was me so I said I would give it another go and see how it was - this was in march (we are slow burners), he was definately more enthusiastic and a bit harder but still not the way I am used to with past boyfriends. I just keep thinking it is me and that I dont do enough for him - he told me since that it was the best sex he has ever had and I dont doubt him as I never mentioned the whole getting hard thing to him - anyway just wondering guys if it has anything to do with age, or anything else as this guy is the oldest guy I have ever been with. I personally dont care if he doesnt get 'rock hard' I just want to be sure I am turning him on cos I am afraid that I am not.
any help would be greatly appreciated

seamus

There's very little chance that it's to do with you. Women do tend to think that when men have trouble performing, it must be that they're not turning him on enough, or that they're not good enough. Rarely is this the case - and I'd say it's extremely unlikely given that it's a new relationship.

The two most likely causes are the nervousness (mostly likely) or his age (less likely, but very possible). Particularly when a man's primary concern is that the women enjoys herself or finds him attractive, this can have an effect on his little soldier. It may be an idea to spend a little more time on foreplay - getting eachother relaxed and aroused. Or even teasing him - for example, blindfolding him and playing with him may remove his anxiety about pleasing you, and let him relax and enjoy himself.

Jumpy

Happens to everyone. I think it is nerves. The more it doesnt go up, the less it will as he panics about it.
Its a mental thing. Do NOT under any circumstances express frustration about it in his presence. It will just make things worse.
It is performance anxiety.

dr.bollocko

Inability to maintain an erection can be a sign of underlying health problems. It might be an idea for him to get a check up if it becomes something that re-occurs regularly.

petes

unreg_ang wrote:

he told me since that it was the best sex he has ever had

Did he come?

LegacyUser

Yes on both occasions and wanted to know immediately if I did - which is something I never got asked before so I was thinking that maybe he has some underlying issues - any advice on how I can help him get over his worries without making an issue of it?

LegacyUser

'Is he wankin too much ???
That'll make a guy's tool less sensitive and less hard.'

Marksie

unreg_lady wrote:

Yes on both occasions and wanted to know immediately if I did - which is something I never got asked before so I was thinking that maybe he has some underlying issues - any advice on how I can help him get over his worries without making an issue of it?

yes, it may be he is nervous and worried about it. It does happen to every guy at some point.

The simplest and best way of getting over worry issues is to forget about the p*nis and penetrative sex as the be all and end all.

Go right back to the basics and explore each other completely with hands, mouth eyes, and communicate use every sensory faculty. Don't concentrate on the genitals but on all the other nice spots. Use massage, touch and caresses to open to each other and explore each other. (even use messages or texts before yuo see each other, let each other know what you are planning and how you feel..it builds anticipation and therefore arousal.)
It is what is generally termed "foreplay" which is a misnomer as it implies that it comes before anything else. If you make this the whole of your lovemaking rather than a prelude to moving to penetrative sex then it has many significant advantages in that you are learning about each other, you can obtain orgasm without penetration, the erection state becomes less important as it ceases to matter (conversley when this happens the erection increases as you both realise what else you can do)
If during penetrative lovemaking he loses it, move back to the touching and stroking without getting upset or worried.
If he gets upset and turns away..then guide him and show him what you like, literally, taje his hand and communicate, dont let him become distant..keep him in the now and present with you rather than dwelling on his failure to "perform".

It is about the mind state... it is a common belief that the P*nis/ vagina penetration = sex, it doesn't.
Move away from it except as part of everything else.
He also appears to be goal oriented, and that goal is orgasm. Move away from that as well nd just enjoy what can be created between the two of you once again, in doing so, it will be easier to achieve orgasms (plural)

Santa Claus

Was alcohol consumed beforehand...I know when things started to get intimate with a very good friend of mine, it was usually after we'd both had a few drinks and alcohol can lead to the old "trying to stuff a flog into a trocaire box" conundrum !

LegacyUser

My mate had this problem and his girlfriend is a cracker! It just happens...he said it happened to him for the first few months and even though he was never nervous, he said that after a while as in (4 months) he just got completely comfortable and was able for it...it's amazing what the mind can do to you...i wouldn't worry...he is ony 38 and not 78!

Doodee

Goto your local head store and pick up some Libidoforte, its a herbal form of viagra, but doesn't cause a perminant erection but rather increases the bloodflow which aides in getting an erection.

That is of course if all else fails

Icequeen

marksuttonie wrote:

yes, it may be he is nervous and worried about it. It does happen to every guy at some point.

The simplest and best way of getting over worry issues is to forget about the p*nis and penetrative sex as the be all and end all.

Go right back to the basics and explore each other completely with hands, mouth eyes, and communicate use every sensory faculty. Don't concentrate on the genitals but on all the other nice spots. Use massage, touch and caresses to open to each other and explore each other. (even use messages or texts before yuo see each other, let each other know what you are planning and how you feel..it builds anticipation and therefore arousal.)
It is what is generally termed "foreplay" which is a misnomer as it implies that it comes before anything else. If you make this the whole of your lovemaking rather than a prelude to moving to penetrative sex then it has many significant advantages in that you are learning about each other, you can obtain orgasm without penetration, the erection state becomes less important as it ceases to matter (conversley when this happens the erection increases as you both realise what else you can do)
If during penetrative lovemaking he loses it, move back to the touching and stroking without getting upset or worried.
If he gets upset and turns away..then guide him and show him what you like, literally, taje his hand and communicate, dont let him become distant..keep him in the now and present with you rather than dwelling on his failure to "perform".

It is about the mind state... it is a common belief that the P*nis/ vagina penetration = sex, it doesn't.
Move away from it except as part of everything else.
He also appears to be goal oriented, and that goal is orgasm. Move away from that as well nd just enjoy what can be created between the two of you once again, in doing so, it will be easier to achieve orgasms (plural)

This is the best advice so far, and do something unexpected, tell him your going for a shower and come out dressed hot. try to find out (subtley) what his fantasys are and come out looking like one of them or just go for the old reliables, french maid, nurse and schoolgirl are guarenteed winners everytime