my friend's baby was supposed to be due tomorrow

damntheman

my friend was supposed to deliver her baby on thursday, april 19th.

she went in for a routine check at the doctor's on monday, april 16th and they did not hear a heart beat. they told her to go to the hospital.

she was by herself at the hospital and the doctor told her that her son was not alive (just 3 days before her due date).

they induced her on tuesday and she was delivered him today (wednesday). they don't know what the cause was yet, but they assume it was the unbillical cord.

my question to you is do you know anyone who has gone through this?

what were some things that people did for them to help them grieve and to help alleviate their pain?

and what are some things to avoid?

Victor

Hi, I'm sorry to hear of your friend's loss. I think the important thing is to be there for your friend and perhaps allow her some time and space from the ordinary hassles of day to day living to allow her self grieve (but she must get on with living, just not yet).

There is the Miscarriage Association of Ireland http://www.coombe.ie/mai/

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/birth-and-children/miscarriage-and-stillbirth/bereavement_and_childbirth

tabatha

well i lost a child also. not stillbrith. the only thing i can say for you is to give them some space to grieve but be there also, there is a fine line you will have to find. some people like to have others around all the time while others like to be left on there own. there are no "right" things to say or do really. grieve takes time. there are no rules. already i would say she is very lucky to have you in her life. she is in my thoughts and prayers.

damntheman

thank you both!

SarahSassy

A very close friend of mine went through a similar things not so long ago. Try www.isands.ie they are excellent for bereaved parents with local meetings and support groups.

dudara

Firstly, my sympathies to your friend. It's truly sad. Unfortunately, it's not that uncommon for babies to die in the womb, so there are support groups as well as professional help who can help your friend. There's been some good advice in this thread, and you might also want to check out the sticky at the top of this forum to see if anything in there would be helpful.

BostonB

www.magicmum.com has a Pregnancy Loss section which can be useful. Also theres often chaplains or counsellors in the main hospitals and there lots of grief and bereavement groups around. The hospital chaplains/counsellors should have some contact details for those. Islands have a booklet called "A Little Lifetime" which is worth reading.

My advice is not to ignore it, that hurts most of all. But some people will do this as they are uncomfortable with talking about it. So lots of talking, is generally recommended. Some people don't want to though. So it may take time. Its also difficult when people don't know about what's happened ask about the baby. Thats likely to happen for a long time, and catch them off guard. So try pre-empt those situations where you can and defuse them. Generally just be around and be a friend. Any specific questions?

SarahSassy

BostonB wrote:

My advice is not to ignore it, that hurts most of all. But some people will do this as they are uncomfortable with talking about it. So lots of talking, is generally recommended. Some people don't want to though. So it make take time.

This is really good advice. My friend is like a sister to me so she turned to me straight away and I helped on a practical level and it made it easier to know where the boundaries were... I guess there are some things I have learned:

Do definitely acknowledge the loss of the baby. Comment like 'it's natures way' and 'he/she is an angel in heaven' dont help everyone so choose your words carefully. I think people who are grieving know that its hard ot find the words to say to them but they do appreciate the effort. Ask if they have given the baby a name - I am sure they will consider he/she a little person. Use it on the card e.g. I am sympathing with you for the loss of baby X...... If you know the grandparents sympathise with them too, its a family loss..... Respect their decisions with regard the burial - you may not be invited so dont be offended. Refrain from telling them other bad news stories about the same issues... Lots of people came up to my friend and had similar stories to tell her, eventually she felt she was a magnet for bad news and never good news. Tell her you are there for her when SHE wants. Explain you dont want to intrude but you do want to help - on her terms. Dont forget her partner. Dont avoid the issue in the months and years to come. A memory box is a nice idea. Maybe they took photos and the baby's blanket and they will want somewhere to keep the stuff but check this out with them first. I always acknowledge the day the baby should have been born and the actual birth/passing day. A little card, flower on the grave the week before (as they will want to put their own flowers on the anniversary day) or even a little text to ask how they are doing.

These are all random thoughts and it was the most horrific period of my life so I cant even imagine how people cope with it as their own personal loss. I guess you need to feel your way through this..... Be there as much as they need...

Its a really difficult position to be in.

JBoyle4eva

Won't mention any name here to protect my friend's anonimity, but their mother was always pregnant with multiple babies but lost a child everytime she gave birth.

Miscarragies are commonplace and there should be no reason to hide it from anyone.

randylonghorn

What is often forgotten in these situations is that your friend's partner (assuming he is on the scene) will also have a need to grieve, and to come to terms with this.

The father is often forgotten in this scenario, or may actually be urged by people to "be strong for her", or may feel himself that he must be the strong one, and feel guilty about showing grief / emotion.

This is obviously very unhealthy for him, but it can also have a very negative effect on the mother, who may interpret his efforts to "keep a stiff upper lip" as meaning that he really doesn't care that much. In this way, a wedge is driven between the two of them at a time when they so desperately need each other's love and support.

Of course, men often find it more difficult than women to show emotion, at least publicly, and no-one can or should pressure him to do so.

The important thing is that friends and family make it clear to him by their general demeanour that it is OK for him to grieve, and to talk about it if / when he wants to, rather than to set up an implicit assumption that he is to be "the rock" to whom she can cling for support.

Apart altogether from his own needs, encouraging that kind of unequal emotional dynamic is not a healthy foundation for any relationship.

hunnymonster

a similar thing happened a friend of mine. One thing she found very difficult was people she knew (but who didn't know what had happened) meeting her afterwards and asking how the new baby was. I'm not sure how I would handle this if it happened again. There is a fine line between sounding like a gossip and trying to protect her from these questions.

The Corinthian

The same thing happened to a good friend of my and his partner. Miscarriages are, as someone mentioned, commonplace, but very few really expect them after the first trimester, let alone in the final few days of pregnancy. As to having to give birth, and look at, a child that you already know will be dead - I can't imagine how traumatic that could be for anyone.

The trauma is all the more for both mother and father because at that stage they've both prepared completely for the child's arrival and already see it as a he/she rather than an abstract. Pre-purchased baby clothes and other items will further remind them.

All you can do is be supportive. I think you should tell others about it simply so that they don't make any inadvertent blunders about how "the baby is" when they meet the grieving parents, after the fact. In time you find the trauma seems to pass in them, but ultimately it never fully heals, as you'll note from time to time in their company and on anniversaries.

the hunter

try this one
www.gonetoosoon.co.uk

stovelid

My wife miscarried our baby at home and although I can't imagine how it would have felt to actually happen at birth, it was fairly devestating.

The one thing I can say with certainty is that we were so glad to have our friends at that time.

My wife said that she was glad for people to be around but only once she had got over the initial shock. (If she doesn't initially answer the phone to everybody, don't worry, just make sure somebody is nearby or with her ).

When she saw people, she didn't really want to hear too much isn't it terrible whats happened stuff from friends, just understated support. They key for her was getting back to some sense of normality with friends but knowing that strong support was there if needed.

This was just how she was anyway.

Of course, she also had me and it sounds like your friend doesn't have a partner from your post? Forgive me if this is a misassumption. If so, her friends and family will be doubly important.

Don't worry about the wrong and right things to do as a friend. There is no rule book and from our experience, different friends offer support in different ways. All support was welcome once the dust had settled.


The fact that that you are so worried about your friend as to post here speaks volumes and TBH, she sounds lucky to have friends that are so worried about her. Play it by ear and just be there for her.

metrovelvet

You may want to find out through another source, what is the recovery from this. For example would she be as wounded as if from a normal birth, as tired, is there as much of a hormonal adjustment on top of going through the inititial stages of grief, how is she physically coping?

It may be helpful to be aware of this and do something practical like drop off some food supplies, tell her you're available to help if there is anything you can do, even if its as small as going to the post office or doing the dishes. If your not comfortable calling her and want to respect her privacy, drop her a note.

These are often helpful things and kind things to do when someone is in mourning, but doubly necessary when someone is in physical recovery. Its just a suggestion, I reallly dont know, but I imagine she is exhausted after a pregnancy and the stress of delivery.

And she probably has to face planning a funeral too.

Victor

damntheman, how are you feeling?

damntheman

she still hasn't called me and i haven't called her because she is the type of person that feels bothered by others and doesn't want anyone to worry about her, but i really want to call her just to let her know i'm here for her and not ignoring her situation. she still doesn't want anyone to send her anything or to see her.


i went out last night with some friends and my sister and had a good time. now i feel guilty that i had fun last night. i'm finishing up the end of my semester and finals are coming up, so my mind is pretty occupied with school work, which is good for me.


i think i'm gonna call her tonight.

DublinWriter

damntheman wrote:

what were some things that people did for them to help them grieve and to help alleviate their pain?

Just be physically there and be a listener. That's all.

BostonB

Call or drop a card in to say you're around. I think its worse if people do nothing.

damntheman

i just called and she didn't answer so i left a message



ugh, my mom just called and told me my grandmom died this morning

SarahSassy

Very sorry to hear that!!!