Husband's affair

shocked

After months of suspicious behaviour, and outright lies, today a woman called to my home and told me she was sleeping with my husband.

She works with him and said he had chased her for weeks, even after she turned him down initially. Finally, they started a relationship. She knew all about us. That we were having problems, that he slept in the spare room. Where he really was when he told me he was working late or having a weekend with the guys. With her of course.

I kept remarkably cool. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of getting upset and denied that we were unhappy or having any problems. In fact we were planning a weeks holiday together, (which is true).

Then she told me she was pregnant but was having a termination. That she had slept in our bed with him and that he told her he loved her, wanted to marry her etc.

Like I said this wasn't a complete shock to me. And I took it calmly. When she left I rang my husband and told him to come home immediately as I wasn't well. i told him everything. At first he denied it, but quickly he said yes its all true. He said he f**ked up and wanted to put it all behind him. That she was a mistake and that he wanted to make things work.

I feel kind of numb. Like part of me thinks its only sex, and we can get past it. Part of me thinks how could he lie, and lie and lie again after all these years together. To sleep with her in our bed. To spend whole weekends with her.

I want my life back. The one we had before all this happened. But is that really possible? Once I get over the shock can I really trust him?

I always thought if it ever happened to me. There is no way I would take him back, but I guess the love doesn't die straight away

I know others have been in this position. To those who stayed together, how did you cope? What did you do? He's on a late shift tonight so I won't see him for another 5 hours. I really don't know what to say to him or what to do now.

dudara

You're in an extremely emotional and fragile state right now, and I'm sorry that all this has happened.

Whether you stay or go is up to you, and how you feel about your husband and your marriage.

Couples can stay together through issues like this. If you choose this route, then you have to work through the reasons why your husband had an affair, and through any underlying problems in your relationship. He must commit to this and be understanding of how hurt you're feeling. On your part, you must be willing to forgive and forget.

If you choose to leave him, you should at least think it through carefully and thoroughly. Be sure of your reasons.

You're in too emotional a state right now to think clearly, the adrenaline rush has passed through your body by now, and you feel that you've gone 10 rounds with Mohammed Ali. But take your time and don't rush.

SarahSassy

shocked wrote:

I feel kind of numb. Like part of me thinks its only sex, and we can get past it. Part of me thinks how could he lie, and lie and lie again after all these years together. To sleep with her in our bed. To spend whole weekends with her..

Firstly shocked I want to say how sorry I am. Im sure you are reeling from this terrible news. I obviously dont know either of you and Im sure before you make your final decision your mind will change 100 times. It would have to be a deal breaker for me. I think (but maybe not) I could live through a one night stand but not weeks / months of him lying. He chased her. They slept together in your bed. He got her PREGNANT - does he know this piece of information????

I think it took a lot of courage / desparation on the womans behalf to confront you. I am not taking her side but the reality is that its your husband who cheated on you - he is the guilty party in this discussion. He even lied once you confronted him..... I do not see how you can forgive him and move on and to be honest he does not deserve it.

shocked wrote:

I want my life back. The one we had before all this happened. But is that really possible? Once I get over the shock can I really trust him?

This is totally understandable and you will get your life back but it may have to be a different life...... You may get to trust him again but it could take 5 or 10 years its all depends on the reasons for the affair and how he is intending to change, then finally if he does change..... Do you want to waste another number of years waiting to find out if he is trustworthy???

I think its his turn to talk to you but maybe you could go away for a few days to think it through... Do you have kids with him?

free2fly

I'm so sorry OP. You must be numb right now. And very, very torn and confused.

Only you know if you are strong enough to work through this. At this point it is your decision what you want, and need, to do. I agree that you should get away by yourself for a few days if you can. You won't be able to think straight while he's around.

My heart goes out to you.

iguana

SarahSassy wrote:

I think its his turn to talk to you but maybe you could go away for a few days to think it through...

This is what I'd suggest if you can manage it. Take a few days out and go visit friends or family. Or just take a mini-break somewhere if you can't face being around people.

Your thoughts and emotions are going to be on a roller-coaster right now. So getting a bit of distance from everything might help you see things clearly.

Raskolnikov

Don't do anything hasty, infact, I wouldn't even see him for at least a week. You need time to think whether your marriage is worth saving.

shocked

Hi all,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. At the moment I'm sitting here with a glass of wine wondering should I take some sleeping pills too. I won't but it really hurts soo much. If people who cheat only knew the pain they caused...


There are no kids, but I'm at an age went I thought I would have a couple.

Your right, I'm sitting here changing my mind each second about what to do. I really never thought I would be in this situation and I am so hurt that he would do this to me.

No decision seems right. Each brings its only set of pain. What if I try again but he doesn't? From what she says I think he is only ending it with her because she is pregnant and suddenly there are consequences to his actions. Otherwise, he would still be f**king her and lying to me.

After our brief conversation today he acted angry with me, he answered questions with a yes or no. I'm counting the time until he comes home. I don't think I will take a break because I don't trust him to not see her again. He has lied so much. Why be honest now?

kraggy

Hi.

Sorry to hear about what has happened to you today.

I do think that you need time away from him for the sake of your own sanity. you won't resolve anything while under the same roof as him.

He should have to leave. You need time to sort things out in your head and make some decisions.

Have you a sister or friend you can lean on right now?

Hope you do, best of luck.

k.

padser

I think the advice about waiting, not doing anything rash, taking time to decide what you want is all.

I think anyone giving you advice pushing you in a particular direction (SassySarah) is pretty irresponsible because ultimitely you need to make this decision yourself - possibly with aid from people you know well - and maybe even from people you dont know who have been through something similar - but certainly not someone you dont know and who is looking at it from a hypothetial viewpoint.

Ultimitely its your call - good luck making it

davyjose

shocked wrote:

I don't think I will take a break because I don't trust him to not see her again. He has lied so much. Why be honest now?

I know you must be going through hell, but think about what you're saying to yourself here - you need to spend time away from him, to think about what you should do.

Beruthiel

shocked wrote:

I don't think I will take a break because I don't trust him to not see her again.

There is not a hope in hell of you coming to any kind of decision while your head is in a mess. Also, if you are sure he's going to see her again, how can you hope to repair your marriage.
Is there no friend or family member you can stay with for a week while you get yourself together and think things through? After that week you can sit him down and discuss your options and what you both wish to do.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you, it feels like your world has fallen apart, with time you can be happy again, whatever your decision is.
I hope you get what you want. Best of luck.

The Sweeper

Shocked, I have a similar view to the others regarding time out, with one twist.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong, so why should you leave your house? Why should you be struggling to live out of a bag while coping with what your husband has done?

I know it's morning there, so you've already had to spend a night with him back in your house. I've no idea - obviously - how that went for you, but I hope if you're still in a quandary, pack a bag for him while he's out. Put enough stuff in it for a week, and leave it by the door. When he comes home, tell him to take it and get out for a week, and explain you need space.

If he goes to stay with a sibling/mate/family, your marriage may still be worth saving. If he goes straight to his mistress, then perhaps it really isn't.

You can't make current decisions on the basis that if you give him the chance he 'might go and sleep with her again'. He'll do that if he wants to, no matter what you do.

Your husband is a dog. He got another woman pregnant - which meant he was having unprotected sex with her and presumably you as well. Point this out to him. Request that he takes a list of STD tests and provides you with the results. Include HIV on that list. (The chances: slim. The point: harsh and fair.) It also looks like he only ended the affair when the other woman got pregnant. Seriously - it's the stuff of films, yes, but do you really want to be with the sort of man who gets someone knocked up then leaves them to have a termination on their own?

He's exhibiting a blatant lack of responsibility on every single front here - having an affair in the first place, panicking in response to an unexpected pregnancy - he's really got to transform to have a hope in hell here!

DublinWriter

I'd totally agree with what everyone has to say here about spending time away from him. Either kick him out for a week or two, or go stay with friends/family.

Because you are still living with him, you can't see the wood for the trees and maybe won't be able to reach a proper decision.

I don't like moralising or throwing stones in the glasshouse, but several things worry me about your husband. If it was just a case of a once-off drunken sexual encounter, that's bad enough, but he seems to be more emotionally tied up with this woman, and prolonged the relationship on purpose. Also the fact he was eventually honest, but also angry with you, is not a good thing.

Also, please don't take anything the woman says as gospel. I think what may have happened was that your husband was stringing her along for a long period and she wanted a committment from him regarding the future which he wasn't going to give, so she forced his hand by calling you.

Anyway OP, very sorry to hear about your situation and I hope it all works out for you in the end, no matter what you decide to do.

dellas1979

Am so so sorry to hear what has happened you.

Really, you are right. People who do cheat do not know what pain they have caused.

And I think again you are right when you say he only copped onto what he was doing when she said she was pregnant.

I think you have a good head on your shoulders.

Personally I would find it really hard to trust that person again. I would be thinking: "if I stay, there is going to be alot of pain, and probably always alot of pain-can I get through it?" Or on the other side "he cheated and lied, he doesnt deserve me. My life will be a little s*it for a while but I will get through it-and then start a new life."

free2fly

shocked wrote:

Hi all,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. At the moment I'm sitting here with a glass of wine wondering should I take some sleeping pills too. I won't but it really hurts soo much. If people who cheat only knew the pain they caused...

No man is worth taking your life over! I know that you are in pain right now, but this will eventually pass.

How did things go last night OP?

Kell

shocked wrote:

No decision seems right. Each brings its only set of pain. ?

Hey. Your situation is really, really shít and sorry to hear that you are going through it. I cant begin to imagine what a mess you feel.

At this point, things cant actually get any worse. Use this as a very small consolation to yourself. The pain your are experiencing is pangs of the past and uncertainty of the future. Put the past, even the last 48hrs, right where it belongs- behind you and look ahead to getting yourself back on track.

I know its a tall order in light of the shít that has gone down in the last 2 days, but if there is anything that can keep you going and help you look forward is knowing that the worst of it is over and in the past.

Millions of hugs.

K-

Lilygilly

I am so so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I can only imagine what you are going through. I once sat with a glass of wine wondering whether I should take some pills but I didnt. I know that your head must be in a really wierd place right now but you will be amazed at how strong you can be.
Time out is probably a good idea but if you odnt feel like you can at least get some alone time outside of the four walls of your house to work this through - i dont knwo take long walks or soemthing just to get a little you time. But the fact that you wouldnt go away because you are afraid your husband will go back to his mistress may be somthing to think about in itself.
And I agree totally with that other person you will get your life back but it may be a different life I think this will be the case whether you chose to stay or go.
But know that while it wont be easy you can and will get through it.

LegacyUser

'Try not to worry and none of this is your fault. Just keep saying to yourself everything will be ok, I will get throught this. Because everthing will be ok. You are a good person and deserve better. Take one day at a time.

Maybe in a couple of days time pamper yourself. It does the world of good for the old self esteem. Surround and Keep yourself busy with visiting friends and family and don't stay on your own. To much time to think can be a bad thing.'

shocked

Last night I drunk too much and ended up smashing things around the house in my anger. I asked him about their relationship, how often he slept with her, the positions, etc. Stupid questions. The answers only hurt me more. he said he was ashamed of himself and of the person he has become. But still I see so much anger with me. I don't understand this. I'm not perfect, but I've never cheated.

I know he doesn't love her. I don't know if he loves me. I guess I'll see by his behaviour over the next few weeks/months.

My initial reaction is to stay together and try and work thru this. We have had many good years. Only started having problems in the last one.

free2fly

Anger is a perfectly normal reaction OP. And being drunk can lead to stupid questions that you don't necessarily want the answers to

You are going to go through a very rough period for a while. You will be angry and hurt when you least expect it. But hopefully you will be strong enough to get through this. I wish you the best of luck with your decision. And know that we are here if you need us in future.

Raskolnikov

shocked wrote:

After our brief conversation today he acted angry with me, he answered questions with a yes or no. I'm counting the time until he comes home. I don't think I will take a break because I don't trust him to not see her again. He has lied so much. Why be honest now?

I'm sorry, but that's an absolutely shocking attitude to have given his role in things. Is he even bothered at the fact that your relationship is potentially dead in the water? Has he displayed any regret or remorse for what he's done? He should be doing everything in his power to win you back.

shocked wrote:

I don't know if he loves me.

The only way of knowing that, is to put yourself out on a limb and trust him with your heart again.

Cancer-chick

Hi op ..

God love you my heart goes out ..

Practically if i was you i would ask him to leave so u have some space.. I realise that you are so torn up by the images and the answers to the questions you hate yourself for asking but had to ..

But you have to know that if you cant take time out to think because you are worried he will go to her ... ?????? This is madness !!

You are angry and i would imagine scared sh**less but really do you want him if you have to watch his every move to keep him with you !!

Im sure he has good qualities or you'd not have married him but just even to get some clarity in your thoughts you need to get away .. as a prev poster said you have done nothing wrong so you should not be the one moving.. you need to shock this guy into understanding what he has done..

As desperately hard as it is i think your best bet is to focus on your well being and looking at him and waiting for his key in the door is not going to help that while u are in turmoil over his betrayal ..

Please dont do anything with pills/drink .. jesus id say there are very few here who have not been there but as bad as it is , no matter what he has done he is not worth you doing that .. It will solve nothing and as bad as the pain is now, Trust me whatEVER you choose it will ease .. Right now just take steps to give you some space

I really send u good thoughts hon..

SarahSassy

padser wrote:

I think the advice about waiting, not doing anything rash, taking time to decide what you want is all.

I think anyone giving you advice pushing you in a particular direction (SassySarah) is pretty irresponsible because ultimitely you need to make this decision yourself - possibly with aid from people you know well - and maybe even from people you dont know who have been through something similar - but certainly not someone you dont know and who is looking at it from a hypothetial viewpoint.

Ultimitely its your call - good luck making it

Well I think its better to take the time to write a post and GIVE an opinion in it rather than post something with NO original/ constructive advice.

Shocked, best of luck with whateer you choose to do. Ill cross my fingers for the right resolution for you.

onemanband

My heart goes out to you. One thing that I felt reading your post is that it seems this other woman was throwing everything she could at you to try and provoke a reaction. Well done for keeping cool. If you list them out:

1. Pregnant but having a termination. Convienient for her. No proof either way
2. Had sex in your bed. Another big no no. True or not. You need to find this out.
3. Husband sleeping in the spare room. Is this true?

You will definately need time and space to think this through. You first need to get a full and frank explanation of all that went on. If he will not do this, then you know where you stand.

dudara

shocked wrote:

Last night I drunk too much and ended up smashing things around the house in my anger. I asked him about their relationship, how often he slept with her, the positions, etc. Stupid questions. The answers only hurt me more.

Anyone who has been in this sort of situation will recognise this. Asking questions and so on is one of the first reactions you will go through. These are avoidance tactics on your part and weirdly you just want to hurt yourself now so that he can see how much he hurt you.

My advice is to try to move pas this as fast as you. Easier said than done, but try to focus on the bigger picture.

LegacyUser

'Don't worry, I was in a similar situation to this. we didn't have any kids (I can only say thank god now). I built my whole life around him for a couple of years because I thought it was for keeps. But it wasn't. Three years on and I have built my life back up from scratch in a different county. I have a place now and loads more friends which I value now more than anything in the world. I didn't realise at the time how unhappy I was in the relationship and how destructive it was on my confidence.

I remember at the time, all the terrible feelings going around in my head and looking for answers to questions that couldn't be answered. I remember wanting him to stop seeing the other woman. coming back to the house to pick up my things only to find that she had been in the house. There will be good days and bad days. The first two months are the worse. Keeping yourself busy to the point of exhaustion is the key (was for me anyway).

Believe and stand up for yourself. Don't let him put doubts into your mind. Have courage. Look after and be kind to yourself. I remember getting a hair cut and a few new clothes. I walked out of the hair dressers with my head held high and knew that I could get throught it.

It is not about him anymore it is about you and what is the best for you. What will make you the happiest at the end of the day. Whether you stay with him or not, start to build up your life as an individual. Do the things that you would never have done before. Say to yurself, from this moment on I will not be a door mat for anyone.

I always believe that if you let something go, it will come back to you if it is meant to be, and if it doesn't then there is no loss.

The life I have now is a millions times better than what is was three to four years ago. But the road wasn't easy. Maybe someone else can give you a view of what is involved, if you stay. Age isn't a factor either. I thought it was but you are never to old. My choice, came down to the fact that I could not trust him anymore and it was wrecking my head.

Keep the head held high and chin up.'

Sleepy

OP, keep your dignity and chuck him out. File for divorce and get on with the rest of your life.

The best revenge you can have on anyone that's hurt you is to live a happy life.

Wibbs

.........a wrote:

I always believe that if you let something go, it will come back to you if it is meant to be, and if it doesn't then there is no loss.

That is very true. The trick is to get yourself back first before you entertain notions of getting them back or not.

padser

Sleepy wrote:

OP, keep your dignity and chuck him out. File for divorce and get on with the rest of your life.

The best revenge you can have on anyone that's hurt you is to live a happy life.

a) She hasn't decided whether or not she wants a divorce - I don't think its appropriate to push her in that (or any other direction)

b) Who said anything about revenge? I think she probably has more important things to worry about then getting revenge - she is not a child

OP: In the end its going to be your decision, the same criteria and priorities don't work for every person. Hopefully even now you have a slightly clearer perspective on the matter

impr0v

I haven't read all the replies. Just a few observations:

1) The girl's motivation in coming to your door is destructive, she's trying to destroy your marriage. It sounds like he was trying to to end it with her.

2) You can't ever have the same life back. Firstly you'll never be able to completely trust him again. Secondly, if you accept him back after he has done what he has done, and what he has done is pretty egregious, the power dynamic will inevitably have changed in your relationship. New roles will have been defined, and you will have a lesser role than you had previously. This will directly or indirectly affect most aspects of your life together.

I wouldn't recommend any particular course of action to you, but I'd advise you to be as cold and rational about the situation as you can possibly be. Your love for him will not go straight away, but ask yourself if you could do to him what he has done to you, and if not, why not. 'Love' is generally destructive if it's not reciprocal.

The Hill Billy

Op - Sorry to hear what you've been through.

Just a thought - have you considered speaking with a relationship or marriage counsellor? I'm not suggesting that you both do this - just you for the moment.

They may be able to offer you objective advice on how to work your way through this very difficult time, & help you clarify your feelings for your husband, your marriage, etc.

Best of luck!

Miss Judy

OP, my heart is breaking for you. You poor thing how dare he put you through this, it's the ultimate betrayal in a marraige and on top of it all he got her pregnant.

First of all I would say to you, RUN..don't walk away from him and do not leave the marital home, why the hell should you. Chuck him out on his ear, go to a good solicitor and start proceedings asap. He thinks he can lie, cheat and hurt you and not suffer??. He can think again. I can't begin to imagine the state you are in and people can slate me for telling her to get away from him but why should any woman or man stay with a lying dirty cheat like that??.
You need all the support you can get at the moment, friends and family will support you and don't be afraid to cry or scream, let it all out but stay focused on you and your future without HIM!. You will look back at him in a years time and feel sorry for the pathetic human he is.

I can tell you if my husband did it on me, he would be a total gonner no excuses would be listened to and we have small 2 children. Trust, respect and love is so important in a marriage and once it's lost it's lost forever. I would never cheat on my husband and I feel very strongly about men & women who hurt their partners/spouses like this.

One of my best friends is going through something similar at the moment and he is so manipulative it's sick, trying to make her feel like it's her fault he was shagging half of Dublin behind her back!:eek: . We are there for her though and it terrifies him knowing he is well caught & even though she is so fragile at the moment and vunerable he will have to get through her friends before he gets near her again, she put up with it for 5 years!!...at one stage we were the baddies for telling her what he was up to as he is such a convincing liar to her. There are too many of them out there.

OP..please take care of yourself and ditch the drink for a while ok...keep your dignity. xx;)

Amandy

Hi Shocked

This is my first post here. I am so so sorry for what you're going through. you are getting a lot of different reactions from people, which just goes to show the range of emotions, viewpoints and how strongly people feel towards injustice. I really agree with the people who are telling you to wait before deciding to do anything. That does not mean that you can't show your hurt and your anger, kick the 'aul git if you have to, he deserves it. And it doesn't mean you have to freeze and do nothing, vent your feelings. But with knee jerk reaction it's seldom that you get the outcome you want. So for you, for your own good and for peace for yourself -your ultimate power in yourself and the decision making process, I would urge you to wait until you have worked through your feelings a bit, and get some professional help, you really need it, and you deserve it. Nobody,(including me) is equipped or qualified enough on these threads to advise you correctly, although I do hope that the supportive messages here give you some comfort because your pain must be almost unbearable. Almost though, it won't kill you. You will get through it, but think of you and try and get all the comfort you can from your friends and family right now, you need to be looked after and minded right now. Mind yourself. You are worth it, and sorry for your pain. Big huge hugs. x

DublinWriter

shocked wrote:

But still I see so much anger with me. I don't understand this. I'm not perfect, but I've never cheated.

Anger is a perfectly normal reaction after the initial shock. Maybe it would be a good idea for you both to see a Marriage Guidance Councellor together.

shocked wrote:

My initial reaction is to stay together and try and work thru this. We have had many good years. Only started having problems in the last one.

Although you've seen plenty of opinions here, and plenty of back-seat drivers (myself included!), all of us here wish you the very best for the future.

Lilygilly

OP how are you today?

MojoMaker

Still a little bit fat I'd wager.

Best of lcuk with it OP, but please realise it's a two-way street. Nobody in this (3 of you) is 100% innocent and we're only hearing 1/3 of the story.

chuci

hi shocked firstly i would like to say that im sorry for what your going through its an awful thing to have happened to the marriage.

firstly i would see how many of the accusations this other women has made are true if she is pregmnant who is to say that its your husband is the father? if the woman thinks so little of herself to sleep with a man who she knew is married wether he chased her or not the likelihood is that she prob has a few choices.

his angryresponses towards you after finding out is a unforgivable way to act imo. its not you who had the affair its not you who cheated on him so if you ask questions demand answers to the questions you asked without just a yes/ no reply. such as if he had unprotected sex with her?if he did i would demand an sti test esp if he had unprotected sex with you.

i would also give myself time to think about this and space id prefer to do it myself as family and friends who will be an undoubtfull support will not have very open views on this. i would suggest going away by yourself for a weekend to think things out and then go spend a week with family or friends once you have got some sort of plan in your head about what you would want to do. i would want to get out of the house you shared as well because the thought of the other woman being in my house would drive me insane.

as other people suggested gong to see a marriage cousellor might be a good idea to get some professional advice on what happens in these situations or what you can do to help yourself.

whatever happens good luck and stay safe. maybe stay away from the drink for awhile.

hottstuff

OP: sounds like you husband may have tried to cool it or end it with this woman if she confronted you with all this information.
Not that this makes it right what he did , or help in you making your decision.

For the moment you need to make one big decision , if you can work together with your husband to end any future problems you may have with this woman.

I'm sorry your going through this , but you mustn't blame yourself and only build your own strength up to be able to handle anything else that comes your way.

As for your husband , he needs a good roasting.whether it be physical or mental.

best of luck