Getting Over Ex... Or getting back.....

jdman

My girlfriend and I had been going out 10months and yesterday we finished it.. I'm so depressed about.... What can I do? Is there ways of taking your mind of such a thing?? Please help out... I would love to get back with her but not unless she wants to aswell... I don't wanna go begging like... I'm 20 and she's 18.... I know i know were only young but I'm madly inlove with her and we had the stupidist row ever yesterday in txts which lsted the whole day.... What do I do?? Please help thanx..

SarahSassy

I am sorry to hear that. Firstly I think you should give her a few days space - maybe she needs to cool down. During this time stay busy with friends, dont do the binge drinking thing as you will only be tempted to contact her, give yourself until Tuesday and call her to ask her to meet.

Keep the conversation simple, tell her you would like to get back with her, you are sorry for your part of the argument and you want to give it another go... You will get a good idea of what she is thinking from her reaction. Maybe she is feeling the same as you... Good luck.

jdman

thanx a mill... I'll try that.. hope she is...

Shiva

Yeah, I agree with the above...let her cool down for a day or so, then there are two vitally important rules you should follow -

1 - Call her, do not text her.

2 - Call her, do not text her.

I realise that's just the same rule twice, but I figured it was worth repeating.

Ok..mini rant follows...

What the f**k is it about people and texting ? Texting is all fine and dandy for a quick "yeah, see you there at 8:00" or "Ok, on my way now"...but it is NOT a substitute for a friggin' conversation !

Obviously, we don't know the details of your argument, but I'd be willing to bet cash it wouldn't have escalated into a break-up if one of you had stopped texting and feckin' called the other to actually *talk* !!

Hmmmph.

Sorry...had to get that off my chest.

So yeah...call her when you've both cooled down a bit, and hopefully all will be well. G'luck with it.

jdman

I know I agree totally... I have tried calling her before when she was in a really bad mood with me and she won't answer the phone or meet up to talk about things... She kinda hides herself behind txts is what I'm feeling anyway.. N being 20 i've noticed that in the past phoning or meeting up is a lot more successful to ending a dispute.... thanx for the advice.. I'll def be ringing her... Even if she txts first... I'l let ye know how i get on after tuesday... My heads in bits at the mo...

jdman

k i'll tell yee y we got into a fight... or at least why the fight continued to a breakup... Hope to god she doesnt read this but anyways... I 've been in a wierd mood the last 2 weeks or so on and off.. I never told her why until yesterday but here goes... My girlfriend and I haven't had sex yet... n i was totally cool with it... Its her beliefs... But my sister got a boyfriend a month ago n she's 18 n they are having sex now n i'm just starting to feel kinda jealous of my sister... I don't want to but I just do... I let my girlfriend know y i've been kinda moody lately yesterday n it just made things worse.. I know such a bad time to say... Now she's also feeling like she doesn't wanna be holding me back for something she's not ready for... n I've tried to explain that I stayed with her 10 months already, I think I've proved I can survive... I Love her to bits... I wish i hadn't said anything.. The feeling probably wuda passed if I 'd a told her sooner... Now I know that I can't be judging our relationship on someone elses.. Its just stupid... Wish I cuda figured that from the start...

SarahSassy

Dont beat yourself up. You didnt notihng bad.... Maybe she is feeling insecure now and thinking you will look elsewhere for the physical side of things and you have at least learned a lesson - talk to your other half about the important things.

Maybe you should take this time to decide if you want to continue in the relationship with no possibility for sex in the short term... You dont want this conversation to come up again for a while....

jdman

I'm 100% sure that I don't want to end this for the lack of the physical side of the relationship... She makes so happy when were getting on and really makes me feel loved loads... Thats all I need.. I just met her sister a while ago n she said not to worry, that she thinks we'l work out.. I just thought her sister talking to me was a good thing..

Wibbs

The no sex thing is obviously an issue. That's understandable, but as you say you can't judge your relationship by anybody else's. This you will have to deal with in this relationship.

OK lets say after that you want her back.

first thing, don't contact her. let her contact you. this is the most important bit. She can't miss you if you're still there. You can't be friends, not now and probably not ever. Resist any bullshít from her to the contrary. If you believe the we can be friends bull you will still be there when a new guy shows up.

Second. Don't beg her to come back. Too pathetic. Don't try to make her feel guilty. If you succeed all that will ensure is that every time she meets you the overwhelming emotion is guilt not love. That's no way to rekindle the spark.

Third thing. Look after yourself, get out with mates. Take up a new hobby that kind of thing. If you are a better person by helping yourself she is far more likely to want you back, if that's what you want. If not other women will be all the more willing to climb on board the new you.

jdman

I'd love if it was that easy... But I'm a mixed race n so i'm tanned n everything so I'm not worried bout getting girls, but I love this girl and I'd prefer to have her then just bein with a different girl every nite....

jdman

Wats worse is were going out 10months on monday n i'd a meal n everything planned.... I feel so bad....

jdman

sorry just feeling anxious at this stage... wil i contact her, won't i... I know its better if I don't so I'm restraining myself... This happened before n I'm sad to say I begged for her back.. How pathetic.. I spent 70euro n flowers n got one of my friends to giv it to her while she was working.. which is even lower! I'm not going to contact her this tim till she contacts me cz a wanna see if she misses me.. If she doesn't want me the way I want her there's no point...

SarahSassy

Why did it happen before?

Sarah

PS the text speak in your posts is kind of annoying to read and can put people off reading and subsequently answering you.

jdman

oh yeah sorry. I haven't used the internet much in ages ha. Too much texting. We broke up before about 4 months into the relationship because I went out with a few friends including a girl friend that I used to have a thing with and I was drunk and still not over her. we nearly kissed each other but thank god we didn't. I stopped and realised I was being so stupid. But that night I sent a message to this girl apologising. And her reply was it's ok the two of us were sacks or something along those lines. My girlfriend was reading my msgs the next day and I had even forgot bout texting this one. She left me. I was very lucky to get her back then. But it was through non stop begging and pleading and thinking back I know it was stupid of me. But I was in the wrong so I think she deserved to be begged. But breaking up this time it feels like it was for nothing. We have been getting on better then ever lately and now we've met another obstacle. Roll on tuesday! Time goes so slow feeling like this...

SarahSassy

The plot thickens - why was she reading your messages??????

chuci

calm dow i know your like anxious and stuff but let her calm down and contact her in a few days or else wait and leave her to contact you. give her time and space im sure she may be feeling self conscious right now or feeling that you may go look for 'it' somewhere else if she does contact you then reassure her. as someone already said dont go do the binge drinking think at all you will make an ass out of yourself by contacting her drunk-iv learned that by experience. also texts ae the worst thing to sort out an argument though i have been guilty of doing the same thing it doesnt sort out anything. hope it all works out for you.

jdman

My "girlfriend" was out last nite drunk and about 4 o clock in the morning she texted me saying 'I miss you xx'. I rang her thinking ok were getting somewhere, but when I rang all she kept doing was apologising for texting me, saying 'its only making things harder'. She texted me this morning apologising about the text asking can we just be friends. Of course I said no. I don't have any experience in this but from other lads I know when they say that don't accept it or you'll be stuck there. Is this true?

I'm even worse today. I was dlighted to get a text from her last nite only minutes later to be turned down on the phone saying sorry for texting you. What do I get from this.

She is gone really paranoid about the whole thinking if she gets back wth me it won't be the same because now she thinks all I want is sex. Come on like, I'vwe spent 10 months with this girl not having any sex, and now because I mention it she thinks that its not going to work between us?!

I told her i'll ring her tonight to which replied 'Don't, it wud just make things harder'. What do I do? And yea when she texted me I rang her straight away. I'm not falling into the trap of texts aymore. They are lethal!

She used to always read my messages mainly because I don't text anyone but her so she just used to always look through the messages that we sent each other. I can understand why we broke up then, but not now. Is it normal for a girlfriend of 10 months who is 18 to get freaked out for bringing up sex??

SarahSassy

Well obviously its too late to tell you not to respond!

Its turned into a bit of a mess..... Still dont get why she was reading your text messages. If she sent them to you and you sent them to her why check them but thats the least of the issues here now....

She doesnt trust you. She feels you cheated on her the last time - whether you did or not and now she feels you will leave her if she doesnt have sex with you. IMHO she is still immature, which is fine for an 18 year old but I would now suggest the 'no contact period' be extended for at least 2 weeks. She doesnt know what she wants and the more you push (as you saw last night) the more she pulls the other way.

I am beginning to think more and more that she is not mature enough for a relationship.... Maybe you should think about this over the next couple of weeks. Think about you and what you want rather than just getting her back.

jdman

I'm finding this really difficult for me Its the worst feeling in the world... How do people go in and out of so much relationships like?? They must just shut their feelings off after their first relationship.

Two weeks will feel like a lifetime!

Thanx for your help sarah. You have helped me see her point of view on it more.

SarahSassy

Well its difficult as I dont know either of you but I was an 18 year old girl once upon a time

Its a confusing time for girls and not playing the violin here but we are conditioned to think that boys are only after one thing and its a scary time. You are still young but are expected to be an adult and sex is part of being an adult. She is not ready for sex but she is kind of worried that if she doesnt put out you will leave her so she is getting there first by finishing with you.... This combined with the problems you've had before have left her totally freaked out.

Give her time to decide what she wants and take that time to decide what you want. Will you be happy in another 10 months if she still doesnt want to have sex???? Time to be honest with yourself too....

Do NOT contact her for at least 1 week.

jdman

K the no contact. What if she texts or rings me? I know I'm stupid and am showing I've no relationship skills whatsoever. The truth is this is the first girl i actually ever liked and went out with. I used to just go to clubs be with anything for the takings. I never really wanted to get serious with a girl. Until I met her.

I opened up to her big time and I never did that with anyone before. I haven't had an easy life and I show off a fake me to the world. But she knows the real me and she has helped so much in my life. I just wish there was a magic formula I could use and everything would be ok.

I honestly can go another 10 months without sex. I can go till were married if need be. It would make it a lot easier though if I knew we were stable and for life. But its one thing you never can tell.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I also don't want to be regretting my decision to waste my twenties on a girl that eventualy goes no where. Does breaks make relationships stronger or create more weaknesses?

LegacyUser

'Welcome to the world of heartbreak. Everyone goes through what your feeling at some point and if they dont theyre very lucky.

I know right now it feels like you cant go on and you cant see two days in your future without her let alone two weeks but Sarah is right. Time is the best medicine here. The first breakup is always the worst... but you will survive.

Your not thinking straight at the moment... im sure you realise that yourself. You talk of marriage and spending your future with her.... any mention of that kind of stuff is definately going to send her running. Your only 20 man... your still young. You need to get out and live your life for you and not anyone else.

Take the two weeks.... get out and do things you want to do. Think about your future and what you want then think about this relationship. If after the two weeks you still want to get back with her then contact her.'

SarahSassy

If she texts you, reply by saying something like you are glad to hear from her but you think texts can get confusing so you would appreciate if she could call you to talk when she has the chance. If she calls hear her out and then calmly say your piece...

I am glad you have found someone to open up to.... In my own experience breaks make a relationship weaker but thats only my experience. I guess if the issues are dealt with before you get back together it can make it stronger but in my earlier relationships it generally meant they were weakened....

There is no magic formula, relationships take work. You seem a bit impetuous and its not a criticism but sit back and take your time... Give her some space. Respond if she contacts you but listen to what she is saying and respond accordingly.....

Maybe you need, when you get the chance, to calmly tell her what you are saying here - that you are ready to wait for sex til she is ready. You sound like a decent guy and she just hasnt fully seen this yet but she will if you act accordingly now.

BTW - why did you bring up the sex issue if its really not important for you?

The Corinthian

jdman wrote:

She is gone really paranoid about the whole thinking if she gets back wth me it won't be the same because now she thinks all I want is sex. Come on like, I'vwe spent 10 months with this girl not having any sex, and now because I mention it she thinks that its not going to work between us?!

Move on.

If after ten months of going out with her she still thinks that you’re only after one thing then this is not going to get resolved. In short, she’s not ready for it and you are and unless you want to continue waiting for another few years, then there’s really very little point in prolonging things because all that will happen is that you’ll end up cheating on her or resenting her or pressurising her until she gives in (and then she’ll resent you).

Wibbs

jdman wrote:

My "girlfriend" was out last nite drunk and about 4 o clock in the morning she texted me saying 'I miss you xx'.

Uh huh.

I rang her thinking ok were getting somewhere, but when I rang all she kept doing was apologising for texting me, saying 'its only making things harder'.

Then she shouldn't do it. she's veering into silly cow territory.

She texted me this morning apologising about the text asking can we just be friends. Of course I said no. I don't have any experience in this but from other lads I know when they say that don't accept it or you'll be stuck there. Is this true?

It's bullshít. Do not say you will be friends. You won't and it will make it worse for you. Fact. It will only make it easier for her. Fact. Anybody who uses this line is being a selfish selfcentered person. Do not go there.

I'm even worse today. I was dlighted to get a text from her last nite only minutes later to be turned down on the phone saying sorry for texting you. What do I get from this.

What you get from this is that it's over. She was drunk. She was selfishly thinking that she would still like you around, but not in that way.

She is gone really paranoid about the whole thinking if she gets back wth me it won't be the same because now she thinks all I want is sex. Come on like, I'vwe spent 10 months with this girl not having any sex, and now because I mention it she thinks that its not going to work between us?!

She's clearly "confused" TM. Let her be confused on her own time. Break contact with her completely. Let her contact you and if she does, don't reply or answer her for at least 24 hours.

I told her i'll ring her tonight to which replied 'Don't, it wud just make things harder'. What do I do?

She's right here. It will. What she's actually saying is that it'll make things harder for her. The fact that she's trotting out the "let's be friends" line is proof of that. Don't ring her. Break all contact. No ifs buts or maybes.

And yea when she texted me I rang her straight away. I'm not falling into the trap of texts aymore. They are lethal!

And stupid when applied in situations like this.

Is it normal for a girlfriend of 10 months who is 18 to get freaked out for bringing up sex??

It is, if it's a major point for her and if she thinks that's the reason you want her back. It seems from what you say that it's not.

As the Corinthian points out;

If after ten months of going out with her she still thinks that you’re only after one thing then this is not going to get resolved.

JC 2K3

I don't want to be giving generic "dump her" PI advice, however, it is the right course of action here.

If you break contact for 2 weeks when you get back together you both will be really happy and feel the relationship has a chance again - for maybe a month, then things will revert to how they were.

It's your first relationship, you're not going to marry her. A lot of people who have strong feelings for someone for the first time get it into their heads that they're going to stay with this person forever, I too was in this situation, it's not realistic, you're confused by your feelings.

Essentially you know in your heart that you want your gf to be someone else, you want her to change. Perhaps she used to be different and you want her to change back to the way she was. But it's not gonna happen and you know it.

You seem quite depressed and distressed over this. In short you're unhappy. It's not worth being so upset over, don't let it drag on for 10 more months.

Break up with her, go through the whole crying/devastation which will last a week or two, but then you'll feel that you're "free" and you'll be much happier. Don't try to be "just friends" with her, it never works.

jdman

I just got jealous of my younger sisters relationship. You know? Like I never even thought bout sex up until a few weeks ago. That should give you a kind of idea on how i got on with my girlfriend. Of course we do sexual things. She is a virgin as ye all have probably guessed. I'm not so that's why I think I have survived as long as I have without sex. I had a bad first time experience also which makes it easier. the girl was much older then me and I was very drunk. A wasted first time.

(PS I know being a virgin means doing absolutely nothing so no need to say)

SarahSassy

Why the hell would you be jealous ofs someone elses relationship if you were happy in your own. Take the 2 weeks to clear your head and decide how to progress.

jdman

Yea I know I'm foolish.

SarahSassy

No need to indulge in self-pity. Keep busy and focus on making a rational decision on this relationship.

jdman

thanx for all your help. The break really worked and were back and better then ever!

we're still not having sex but I'm gone past the stage of jealousy. It was really all my fault as my jealousy of other relationships was destroying my perfect one. So what if I don't have sex with my girlfriend yet. She is so good to me in every other way. Jealousy is so damaging! I recommend anyone going thorugh read up on it on the internet. There is loads of mind exercises to get over it and think positive. Its really working for me.

I've brought on the idea of anal sex and we've experimented but not quite there yet. She doesn't want to have vaginal sex because of her own personal beliefs. She is catholic but catholics believe that doing anything sexual is losing your virginity and if thats the case she's not a virgin but modern day virgins I think is up to the beliefs of the individual. Anyways abit off topic so i'll stop. Just said i'd say thanx for your help so thanx again.

I really recommend the advice that was given to me for anyone going through something similar.

SarahSassy

jdman wrote:

I've brought on the idea of anal sex and we've experimented but not quite there yet.

She doesn't want to have vaginal sex because of her own personal beliefs. She is catholic but catholics believe that doing anything sexual is losing your virginity and if thats the case she's not a virgin but modern day virgins I think is up to the beliefs of the individual.

Wow you didnt waste any time - straight onto the anal sex..... :rolleyes:

Big generalisation about Catholics there JD!!!

Good luck to you.

Mariiikar

i wasn't talkin bout all catholics believing that. I was talking about the religion itself. I've read up on that before. Google or Wiki virginity... Thanks Sarah your sound out!!

melekalikimaka

man that was a good read. makes any trouble i ever had seem like a walk in the park. glad it all worked out