Excuse me sir, you seem to have forgotten something!

connundrum

So I waited and waited all day (teh wimmen in work seem to disapprove when I do it there), came home, whipped out the PSP and made my way to the crown seat. After delivering a few overweight chocolate babies, I tidied up and went to flush.

Toilet broke. Now with me not being the best plumber in the world, I decided that the best plan would be to cover the evidence and escape without anyone knowing. 10 minutes later I heard a knock at my door, my house mate wasn't too happy about it at all. She can be such a stickler. Half and hour later I was struggling with the brush and plunger in one hand and a basin of water in the other

Any other tales of fleeing the scene?

Robbo

When I was inter-railing, I was caught out with a gyro made of pure evil. By the time we got back to the hostel the "digestive trouble" started. Whenever I had to make a trip to the chodbin, I made sure to use one on another floor of the hostel (different each time), to avoid recriminations.

Ruu_Old

What can I say only, airline food. It didn't agree with me and I would say they had to shut down Chicago O'Hare airport toilets (or perhaps the airport) when I was done.

J.S. Pill

Ruu wrote:

What can I say only, airline food. It didn't agree with me and I would say they had to shut down Chicago O'Hare airport toilets (or perhaps the airport) when I was done.

The terror alert probably went up to red after that

Pherekydes

connundrum wrote:

...I decided that the best plan would be to cover the evidence and escape without anyone knowing.

I have the same problem from time to time with my children. Isn't there a man in the house who can fix that sort of thing?

connundrum

From the charter brother

What Code do we cherish on this forum ?
The Couch Potato Code (much like the Jedi code, but with more pizzas and beer)

Ah I fixed her yesterday, wasn't in the mood for it directly after committing the crime

Degsy

I took a dump in the toilets of a very poncy restaurant in toulouse..my guts had been at me for days but i thought nothing of it.I returned to my table in time to see a portly gentlemna nearby remonstrating with teh waiter who duly reappeared with a can of air freshner and headed into the toilets with a look of hatred on his face.

petes

I had a feed of Guinness on Monday and then proceeded to get an indian. God help anyone who went into the toilet after me.

Fey!

Ye should be in Galway this week; whatever about the water problem, they forgot about the effects of the parasite; vomiting and the runs.

I reckon that the politician looking for water in Galway to be VAT exempted ought to ask for the same on bogroll!

Degsy

You only know for sure you have the scutters when you can crap through a seive

FlutterinBantam

Speaking of scutters I was in a hotel near MacArthur airport on Long Island NY,when I unloaded a fizzy beef special into the trough.

She welled up menacingly like they do in the States and refused to leave the premises.I thought ,well let her seep for a while and try again,no frikken move.

I had company in the room and a few hours later she was a vicious brown/green colour.

Went to the desk clerk and announced that there had been a unscheduled back up in the shítter.

Guy comes up with a plunger and leaves with $10 buck tip and heaving stomach.

Got rid of it though.

US shítters can't really handle a big load I find,anyone else have that problem.?

last_orders

i knw exactly watcha mean, in san diego last summer the jacks couldent seem to handle my beer an burger fueled curlywurly. but in recent days my guinness diet over the weekend didnt fail to raise protest after my first visit to the jacks of the day, caked the bowel an for hours burnt the nostril hair of anyone foolish enough to venture within 10 feet of it.

tribulus

I have to say brothers, I love my toilet.
It's got one hell of a flush, both in terms of power and duration of force production, it's never let me down.

The problem is when I go to a hotel for example with those crappy suction/pathetic flush combination toilets - the poor cleaners....

Zaph

The worst designed toilets are in eastern Europe where they have a little "shelf" for you to deposit your load rather than straight into the water. Stinks the place up something rotten after you've been on the beer for a week solid.

Anti

Whats worse then all of this is them two types of cheap toilet paper. One is really thin and just break up upon wiping the choclate starfish. The other like grease proof paper, your better of not wiping and putting up with the aftermath. Why on earth do people buy that ****? Nothing worse then going to the ****ter to curl one out, and comming back from it with a nasty case ring sting.

Zaph

Fortunately there's not much of that greaseproof stuff around anymore Brother Anti. It does however remind me of the best toilet graffiti I have ever seen, whilst using one of the aforementioned "shelf" toilets (which it must be added leave your deposit worringly close to your arse when it comes to wiping it) in a hostel in Budapest. On the back of the cubicle door someone had scrawled "The toilet paper here is like Clint Eastwood - rough, tough and takes no sh*t".

leaba

zaph, you reminded me of a game I played years ago when away with a bunch of lads. We were in hungary and they had those shelfs, and the flushing mechanism was a fairly forcefull stream of water aimed directly at the matter seated on the shelf.

An individual would announce that they were off for a game of golf, and a witness would have to be available to validate the marking of the scorecard which, as you know, is not a great place to be when there's no water coverage. One solid roughly half second spray was deemed a 'shot', and the particular jacks we were most frequenting were deemed par 3.

I am proud to admit I was the only one to achieve a triple bogey...which was nice.

trout

connundrum wrote:

Any other tales of fleeing the scene?

I can't claim this one ... I wish I could ... this one belongs to a skinny and hairy work colleague, but the story stands on it's own merits and is worthy of a Brother's attention.

Our hero is bound for Japan on a business trip ... between leaving home, travelling to the airport, connecting flights and landing, he is travelling for the guts * of 20 hours, aching for a dump 'the size of a birthday cake'.

So ... he arrives at the hotel, checks in, throws the suitcase on the bed, and proceeds to the loo where he unleashes the beast. After the long containment, the battle brought a tear to his eye ... but finally, the condensed and concentrated waste was released. As our hero describes it ' a real crowd pleaser'.

After pausing for a moment to admire his substantial production, he reaches for the flush mechanism ... which clogs ... he tries again and fails to generate any kind of flushing at all ... he tries and tries again, to no avail, and finally he walks away, closing the door behind him.

Thinking he could deal with the monster log in the morning, he proceeds to bed, but the smell leaking out of the loo just could not be ignored ... 'the stench was fcuking staggering'.

So ... off he trots ** to the front desk, 7 floors below, hoping to borrow a plunger, or a toilet brush or some implement with which to do battle.

Now, bear in mind he is tired and emotional, and literally drained. And he doesn't speak any Japanese. The lovely young lady on night duty speaks no English, so our hero is forced to mime his request. Naturally, there is no easy way to mime his requirements, and after several frustrated attempts, with lots of mutual smiling and bowing, the young lady indicates she will come up to the room to ascertain the problem herself. She was determined to help, and would be not be convinced otherwise.

At this point, our hero points out the young lady was 'a miracle of biology', and most beautiful and dainty indeed.

Feeling sheepish, our hero trots back to the hotel room ... by which point the stench was permeating the entire floor. Walking into the room, both parties automatically breathe through their mouths. He opens the door to the loo, and he swears there is a hazy fog in the air.

Pointing at the loo as if to say 'check that bad boy out' he is unable to make eye contact with the young lady who by now is pop eyed with incredulity.

In a slow but grimly determined and very Japanese way, she reaches across to the handle, and gently forces it down... at which point the monster log, softened by the steeping process gurgles gently down the loo . :eek:

The young lady bowed and smiled her way out of the room, and our hero descends into embarrassed silence and then fitful sleep... with all the windows open.

When he awoke in the morning, there was a can of air freshener left outside his door.

Unable to bear the shame, and the absolute certain knowledge that all the hotel staff were aware of the crazy irishman with the monster turds ... he left and found a new hotel next day.


* ha ha ... guts ... geddit ?
** ha ha ... trots ... geddit ?

stovelid

Degsy wrote:

I took a dump in the toilets of a very poncy restaurant in toulouse..my guts had been at me for days but i thought nothing of it.I returned to my table in time to see a portly gentlemna nearby remonstrating with teh waiter who duly reappeared with a can of air freshner and headed into the toilets with a look of hatred on his face.

Used to work in a garage when I was in college. A fella that knew the boss used to come over, smoke free cigars and basically drop a load in the jacks because his wife nagged him for doing it in the house. When I smelled the jacks after him, I understood why.

Anyway, we had an account with 98FM or some other radio station and the girls used to pull up in their jeeps ( do they still have these?...like promo people who drive around looking good and blocking traffic) to get petrol and bunk off for a while.

They arrive one day just as he is exiting the scene after dumping a particularly eye watering load. One of the girls (naturally an extremely cute one who was always in the shop) dashes into the jacks, pauses and strolls back out and into the jeep, trying not to look at me.....

the_syco

If having a sh|te on the train, please ensure the train has stopped before flushing

Zaph

the_syco wrote:

If having a sh|te on the train, please ensure the train has stopped before flushing

I still have nightmares about the toilet on an overnight train that I took from Prague to Budapest a good few years ago. Such were the horrors I experienced that to this day I am very reluctant to use a train toilet, even just for a leak.

fred funk }{

I was working in this women's house a few years back. It was a Monday morning and I was in a bad way, really bad. I knew I was going to be there for a few hours so I was planning on making my excuses and fecking off somewhere to find a jacks.

The women told me she was going to the shops and she'd be back in an hour, feckin lovely I thought. She went on her merry way and I proceeded (quite quickly) to the toilet under the stairs. I done the deed and to prevent 'smell' I even flushed just after the load had been dropped, but it was bad, really bad. I was just about to wipe my arse when I heard the door opening. It was her good self back to show me something to do with the job. She called me and I replied from the jacks,"I'll be out in a minute", Soooooo embarrassing, I finished wiping my arse.

When I came out of the jacks she was there in the hall waiting for me, the smell was cat. As she was talking to me I could see that she wasn't enjoying the pong at all. It was a really awkward moment to say the least.

When I went upstairs a minute later I could hear her spraying something in the hall.

DublinWriter

FlutterinBantam wrote:

US shítters can't really handle a big load I find,anyone else have that problem.?

Yes. Staying at a friend's place in Boston years ago I had a grim encounter with the creature commonly known as 'Moby Gick'.

Thankfully, I was staying in the 'guest room' with its own toilet. It took several days of intermittent flushing for the trapped creature to escape back into the wild.

However, nothing, and I mean nothing, could prepare me for the voyeuristic weirdness of German toilets. Basically instead of our usual toilet configuration, the average German toilet has a flat pan area onto which you deposit your daily uimbher a Do, with a funnel type thing down which the entire mass gets deposited after a swift flush.

After several nights in Frankfurt, frequenting various Irish pubs and Greek hostilliaries, I made numerous internal bets with myself each morning that Mr. Hankey would still be there and waving at me post-flush.

Yet, with Teutonic efficiency, each night's 'challenge' to Herrs Armitage und Shanks would be dispensed into the Main river with a flush.

AlmightyCushion

Brings me back to my first year exams in college. It was the end of a great nine months of excessive drinking and debauchery and for some reason the college insisted on his passing some exams if we wanted to proceed to do this for another nine months. Need less to say we had to learn a whole years worth if course work in the space of a week. No easy task but a stroll in the park compared to the task I would have to undertake before my first exam.

Because of our poor attendance, we spent the whole week in the college library studying. because of this every day we chose to sample the culinary delights that the college canteen had to offer. Lets just say the food they
served should have a "Not fit for human consumption label put on it". After a week solid of the abysmal taste bud torturing tripe our study week was over and we awaited our first exam. 9 o clock Monday morning awaiting our exam to start, I needed to take a dump the likes of which this world has never seen.

So I made my way to the porcelain throne of satisfaction. It was a prolonged messy experience to say the least. The resulting mess burned the hairs on my @rse and was so hot I could have sworn the toilet was about to melt. After I was finished I took a gander at what I had created and I was amazed. Surely this is the most rancid thing I could possibly create I thought to myself.

With my exam starting in a precious few minutes I didn't have time for a full scale cleanup operation (hazmat suits,quarantines and the like) so I made sure that my chocolate starfish was spotless (I was going to be sitting on it for about three hours the last thing I need is to miss a spot). I then flushed the toilet while this had some effect on the mess, it was minimal. The damage from the diarrhetic expulsion was vast and I didn't have the time. So I did what any man would do any left the wretched heap. On leaving the toilet, someone else was entering it and I have never felt more sorry for an individual in my life.