Can you be friends with an Ex?

stevie33

I recently broke up with my 10 month girlfriend and I'm crushed. Im still crazy about her and I know she loves me as well but she doesnt want a relationship. We've left it open that we may get back together in the future if its meant to be. What do I do?

Should I be just be her friend and risk being stuck in the friend zone?
Should I go on a break from her for a while?
Should I fight for her?

Can we really be friends with all the feelings there is between us?

Doodee

why not do whatever makes you feel happiest?

Breaks are good, so is a healthy sex life, decide weither you want a change or not, can always see how it goes in the future. not to mention you have clocked up 1 night of completely guilty free booty by getting to the 6 month mark.

God bless the 6 month rules!

0utshined

stevie33 wrote:

Can we really be friends with all the feelings there is between us?

No. You don't want to be just friends with her because that's not enough for you right now so why lie to her and even worse yourself that you're okay with it. You need her out of your life at the moment. By all means be friendly to her if you see her but why put yourself through the hassle. How are you going to feel when she gets with some other guy? You've got enough friends, you don't need her as another one. Maybe in 6 months or whatever. This also includes not texting or responding to texts.

stevie33 wrote:

I know she loves me as well but she doesnt want a relationship. We've left it open that we may get back together in the future if its meant to be.

So she dumped you then yeah? This is classic stuff man. Open your eyes, if she really loved you like that then why would she break it off? The whole "get back together in the future if it's meant to be" is going to be one of two things :

1) The gentle let down. It's saying you're a nice guy but it's just not happening for her, no hard feelings.

or

2) Keeping your hopes up so that if she changes her mind you'll be hanging around waiting.


The next couple of weeks probably won't be too much fun but put her out of your mind, meet up with friends, go out and move on.

Dori Duz

Sorry to hear about the break up. Was in a simular situation myself.
If you can deal with the whole friendship thing without other feelings getting in the way, go for it. However, it's extremely difficult.
I'd also warn you about leaving it open for you two to get back together. I don't mean to be harsh, but did she say this to weaken the initial impact of the break up? I was in the 'possibility we'll get back together' situation. It seemed like a good idea, but it just made it more way more difficult to get over him as I kept deluding myself that we would get back together.
And I also got the 'I love you but don't want to be in a relationship' line. It's hard to take, but if she really loved you she'd want to be with you no matter what.
Chin up, buddy.

LegacyUser

'Hey there, id say yes its totally possible to stay friends with exs but its not easy theres always gonna be an adjustment period and its true that things do get messy when either of you start seeing someone else, im actually friends with an ex fiance of 2 years the two year it took us to get back to being friends was absolute hell but now we're grand and our new boyfriends and girlfriends accept that and are also friends.
the truth is if your ready for a long slog and alot of heart ache go for it but if your not might be best to let her go, also even if you are planing on staying friends id recommend a month or so with absolutely no contact i know right now it seems like you'll never stop being mad about her, but a little distance does wonders

good luck!'

GreenHell

stevie33 wrote:

Can we really be friends with all the feelings there is between us?

Not a chance, move on. Sorry to be blunt but there ya go, unless your a fan of destroying yourself with depression that is.

LegacyUser

'OP I have experienced exactly what you have, but the relationship was on less longer than yours.
While I have deep feelings for her still, it ended mutually because she didnt want a relationship, but in some form she still wants to keep in contact with me.

While it's hard at first, you really do need time away from each other to heal. It wont be easy. You need to occupy yourself also and try not to think about her.

Do you think you could cope being around her when another man is kissing her and she is enjoying it? How do you think you would feel when you find she is sleeping with this guy?

I don't think you could cope well.

You are lying to yourself if you think you can cope being around her. You are only doing it to make yourself feel better knowing you can see her and whats shes doing, but in all reality you will be making matters worse for your own self.

My advise really is to take time apart from each other, don't burn your bridges but progress on.'

Petey2006

stevie33 wrote:

Can we really be friends with all the feelings there is between us?

Unfortunately, no. I broke up with a girl because of geography. She was home every few weeks and we hung out all the time. But it ended in disaster. Jealousy from both sides led to endless fights and arguments. It took us 3 years to be able to be civil to each other. We're fine now for the most part (she had a go at me last year and ended up telling me she still had feelings for me), and still have a laugh if we end up in the same place when out. But trying to be friends after we broke up just didn't work.

I know it's really raw and painful now. It always is when you break up with someone you really care about. But it sounds like she doesn't want to be with you. Would you really want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you? You'd end up hurt even more in the long run. It hurts, and will hurt for a while. But put as much distance as you can between you and her. It will make the transition period a whole lot easier.

Good luck!

Flex

I was in a very similar situation OP. Going out 8 months with a great girl that I loved, but I didnt want to go out because I simply didnt want a relationship; nothing to do with her.

I just started college and just madea a new group of mates and started going out regularly on weekends and stuff (I did the leaving cert at home so my social life upon starting college was non-existant :rolleyes: ). 5 months after starting to have what I tohught was a normal young guys social life, I met her and we started going out. I loved her, she loved me, got on with each others friends, etc. but I always thought I was missing out because I had a steady relatioship now, couldnt go out with the lads and try meet random girls and stuff and in years time Id look back and be regretful.

I was afraid to break up because I thought she wouldnt believe me with the whole 'I love you, just dont want a relatioship now', but turned out she actually felt the exact same; she had only finished secondary school and turned 19 (me 21 when we met). So we broke up on good terms, agreed we loved each other and had great time together, and so on, still good friends and agreed that if things are meant to be between us again in the future, then itll happen. She has a new boyfriend now btw, bothered me a little for about 1 day, now I dont mind.

I dont know your circumstances exactly, but in my opinion, yes you can definitely be just friends and have the possibility of future relationships together, but ONLY if you can accept that (ie. Dont view the break up as being nothing more than a 'long break' or that the 2 of you are destined to get back together after a few years, or that if you keep yourself in the picture she'll miss you and want you back because that most likely just wont happen imo). Good luck

Mr. Incognito

simple answer is no. Once a relationship dies, it's gone forever.

Wibbs

I think the OP needs to sever all contact with the ex for at least a month, or he may find himself being used as a bridge to the next guy. Let her work out her feelings on her own time, not his.

SetantaL wrote:

simple answer is no. Once a relationship dies, it's gone forever.

Too simplistic by half. While it is the case in most relationships, I can think of quite a few cases where the two people ended up together after a break. It all depends on the reason for the break, the strength of the relationship in the first place, the age and aspirations of the couple involved etc.

AnonoBoy

Not at this stage you can't. Sorry.

There's too much between you too right now.

Imagine how you'd feel if she annoucned today that she was seeing someone new. You'd be gutted - therefore you can't just be friends.

Of course you can try, we've all done it. The outcome will be you'll either wind up back together or you'll wind up hurting each other unintentionally.

Best advice - give it a while, keep your distance and enjoy your space. You may be able to be friends with her in the future, just not now.

Anti

Some of my friends have been able to keep it as good friends with their ex, but its impossible for me. So i guess it depends on the type of person you are.

lady_j

Ive never known anyone that managed to achieve a lasting friendship after going out together, if you still have feelings for her it'll be torture seeing her move on.

r3nu4l

Original poster, picture the scene six months from now. You and your friends are out for a pint and she is expected along any minute...then she brings in some 'new' guy who happens to be her new boyfriend. They are lovey-dovey with each other during the night, sharing looks and holding hands etc.

If you can handle the thoughts of that then maybe you can be friends but it sounds to me like you are still mad about her. I was in your situation following the break-up of a 3-year relationship. She wanted me to hang around and be her friend and confidante but nothing else. Like a fool, I did it for a while...until she started telling me about her holiday with her friends and the barman she met up with...

Then when I walked away and started going out with someone else, she was always on the scene, unhappy that I might be happy! So I learned a valuable lesson, a complete break for a while is hard but good in the long term!

stevie33

The problem is we were friends before hand. My best female friends are her best friends and visa versa. Our relationships with other people are really inter tangled.

I know she wont get into a relationship anytime soon and shes not one for one night stands.

I have considered the possibility that the line 'maybe we could get back together in the future' was just to ease the impact but she did seem serious about it. Saying that if it is meant to be in a few years time it will be.

I'd prefer if she went out with some guys (only if they were dick heads) and realised I was the best thing that ever happened to her and we lived happily ever after but I know this wont be the case, well not for another few years.

If I go out with other girls (friends or randoms) will this not give the appearance that I didn't care about her as much as she did me?

Were meeting tomorrow to discuss what were going to do - anything I need to say?

Cheers

aye

stevie33 wrote:

The problem is we were friends before hand. My best female friends are her best friends and visa versa. Our relationships with other people are really inter tangled.

I know she wont get into a relationship anytime soon and shes not one for one night stands.

I have considered the possibility that the line 'maybe we could get back together in the future' was just to ease the impact but she did seem serious about it. Saying that if it is meant to be in a few years time it will be.

I'd prefer if she went out with some guys (only if they were dick heads) and "realised I was the best thing that ever happened to her and we lived happily ever after but I know this wont be the case, well not for another few years.

If I go out with other girls (friends or randoms) will this not give the appearance that I didn't care about her as much as she did me?

Were meeting tomorrow to discuss what were going to do - anything I need to say?

Cheers

this sounds exactly what happened to me last year. "oh maybe we'll get back together", six weeks later i saw her in a club with someone else.
"i cant have a boyfriend right now", she still with that guy i saw after six weeks.
we have the same friends - just avoid giving out about her in case it gets back to her.

best thing to do is cut all contact, msn, text, everything.
go out on sat night and try have some fun. don't stay in, that will look sad to her if she finds out, better to go out.

if you see her dont be a dick, but dont plead with her to take you back.

try think of the things she did that pissed you off a bit too, just to help you along.
and take her off the pedastel!

i cant say whether or not you'll get back together, but last year i was upset about my ex, and her reasoning for not getting back together was that if we did and she broke up with me again it would be bad on her part, so it seems best to just try have a laugh and accept that there is always another girl.

AnonoBoy

stevie33 wrote:

If I go out with other girls (friends or randoms) will this not give the appearance that I didn't care about her as much as she did me?

And this is exactly why it will be difficult. You want to get back with her so will always be stopping yourself from pursuing other relationships in case it looks bad to her. Meanwhile she could be happily off with someone else.

Don't turn into that eager little puppy dog who happily follows her around waiting for a bit of validation but never really getting anything meaniful in return for all the adoration.

Accept that if you too are going to be friends at any point, it will be further on down the line. If you meet up with her through mutual friends etc. then of course be civil but make sure you're fair to yourself and give yourself a chance to get over her. And of course while doing so don't rub it in her face - in other words don't be getting off with some young one you've picked up right in front of her at a club or something.

SarahSassy

You absolutey can as long as neither of you harbour feelings for the other one... I am still friends with a couple of ex's and its totally platonic.

Dord

Anti wrote:

Some of my friends have been able to keep it as good friends with their ex, but its impossible for me. So i guess it depends on the type of person you are.

i agree, it totally depends on the type of person. speaking for myself, i prefer not to be friends with or even talk to my Ex's. its just messy. clean break ftw!

chris_oc

happened to me in a similar way to your situation man,first weeks/months were bollocks seein as we hooked up after the break up a fewtimes but believe it or not we're actually good friends now,she has a bf and im doin the whole single life thing(love it by the way!)

i'd advise u ta keep as much disatnce as possible,it was handy for me coz shes in a diff country now but i can relate coz one of my mates is tangled in our group of friends wit his ex too.have ta say though,its been really messy for him and he seems to keep gettin back into the same old slump everytime she gives him any sort of attention at all..birds always seem to take break ups way better than lads.id say cut ur losses mate,friendship isnt possible at this moment...maybe sometime in the future.
just go out and hae a good time try every bird that comes ur way!!!
and try not to take life so seriously for the next while...good luck

lilmissprincess

I was friends with my ex for three weeks after we broke up, due to the fact that I had to be: I was the leading role in his film for his entrance to college. We were together just over two months, but he began to p!ss me off, didn't trust me, thought my gay friend was hiiting on me, that kind of stuff.
We ended up meeting one night after filming, and since then we haven't spoken. He's tried things on around other people when he knew I couldn't say anything(mid-scene in theatre rehearsal), and I hate him for that.
Look, if youcan honestly be comfortable with her having another person around, be friends. If not, don't.

rediguana

Differs by person. For some, platonic relationships are possible with past lovers. For others, the same thing quickly wanders into friend-with-benefits territory.

joesoap1976

look you cant be friends with an ex. Its just not possible. I know this. I am in the same situation as you where she wants to be friends. What will you do if you see her around town with some other guy. You will feel like ****e. Thats a brush off. You have to draw a line under it to move on. I know this sounds hards but has to be done. I need to take some of my own medicine too.

Marksie

joesoap1976 wrote:

look you cant be friends with an ex. Its just not possible. I know this. I am in the same situation as you where she wants to be friends. What will you do if you see her around town with some other guy. You will feel like ****e. Thats a brush off. You have to draw a line under it to move on. I know this sounds hards but has to be done. I need to take some of my own medicine too.

and i am still friends with an ex after 20 years... it IS possible, i know this too!
It needed a break and re adjustments.

CathyMoran

You can be friends with an ex, even one that you have feelings for but it takes a lot of work and can ruin other relationships that you have so while it is worth it sometimes you need to make that call. Am still friends with an ex, we had a lot of friends in common so not speaking was not possible but it did really hurt for a long time, even when I started dating someone else, is fine now and while I still care for them I do not love them, I do however love my husband.

Floppybits

I think you can be friends with an ex but I think the mistake that is made is that people try to be friends with an ex the day after the break up. I have a couple of very good friends who are my ex's, one in particular I lived with and it wasnt a nice break up but hey now we are mates so I firmly believe it can be done.

The one thing that I have learned is that you need to get each other space and time. It doesnt work if you break up on a monday and then try to be mates on the tuesday or the next week, I tried this and it ended in tears usually mine and the exgirlfriend hating me but hey you learn. What you need is a complete break and that means no calls or no texts, if you bump into each other on the street say hello and ask them how they are doing and be nice and have a conversation. Then take it from there but make sure you have total no contact for the first while or else you will never get over that person and you will never become friends.