Should I tell my flatmate I have feelings for her.

dominicsdilemma

Ok here is the problem, I am in my early 30’s and I have always shied away from serious relationships the longest relationship I have ever been was 13 months on and off. Recently a new flat mate (We will call her Isabella obviously not her real name) moved in Last January and I paid little attention to her when she moved in as I was still in my last relationship when my previous girlfriend and we broke up in February after 13 months due to the fact that my girlfriend at the time wanted to travel abroad to “find herself”. Afterwards I took a month out and just went nutts; Temple Bar was my evening stalking ground and it was fun for a while then I settled down and concentred on my work and work only.

Then out of the blue all of a sudden I found my self making excuses to stay in at home instead of going out just so I could be around Isabella who is two years older than me and from abroad, she differs from the usual girls I am attracted to as she is smaller than me, more intelligent i.e. this girls has literally brains to burn as she is so smart and articulate as well as she is so down to earth but the most noticeable effect she has on me is that being around her I am a different person there is no need for bull-**** or pretence I feel relaxed and at ease around her, she makes me feel better in my self by just smiling at me, she is pretty but for the first time I am noticing that is natural beauty as opposed to fake tan or make up or all the other stuff that I was attracted to in the past, I am not saying she is not good-looking quiet the opposite she is gorgeous but that is not why I find my self drawn to her, I feel something different this time a willingness to commit and be in a serious long term relationship if things worked out.

However there is one obstacle in my path, she is in a some what strained long distance relationship and when I say long distance I mean the other side of the equator, she met him in May 2006 when she worked in the part of the globe, he constantly wants her to move over there and be with him and they often end up fighting on the phone in the early hours of the morning, which she has told me and I can see and hear that occasionally he has upset her, and all I want to do when I her sobbing is to put my arms around her and let her know that I am there for her if she need a shoulder or some one to talk to, I know she doesn’t like the pressure he is putting her under as she has told me.

This whole issue came to a head over the Easter bank holiday weekend when I was approached by a beautiful and I mean beautiful Canadian girl who chatted me up over the weekend whom I happened to meet while working, the problem was that irrespective as to how nice this girls was I was not interested due to my interest and feelings towards Isabella. I could not believe that for the first time in my life that I was passing up on a sure thing because of the way I felt about someone else who I was not in a relationship with.

My problem is two fold should I tell her and run the risk of her moving out and or being uncomfortable around me if I tell her how I feel. I have asked my friends advice but they think it all about having sex with Isabella, which it’s not; while sex would come into the equation at some point in time right here and right now for once it’s not my main interest for a change and that tells me enough to know that what I feel for her is not just a passing or fleeting attraction but something stronger.

Thanks for listening and any advice would be greatly appreciate.

Dominic.

biko

Really, it's better regretting that you did tell her than not.
It might be awkward but maybe you should just pay extra attention to her, ask her out on for dinner to start with and make sure you go somewhere yous can be alone all night. Wait a while with sex, this should signal a proper interest.

Oh and make sure that you are not trying to force anything. If she is not up for it you can remian friends/flatmates. In my experience you need to plant the seed ("I see you as more as just a friend") and let her think about it for a while. Then she'll come around, if it's meant to be.

ergo

this is a tough situation

as you've pointed out yourself there is one big enough problem:

dominicsdilemma wrote:

she is in a.....relationship

as long as that is still technically a runner you can't really make a move really
I know it's "strained" and "long distance" but I think that's the way it is.

By the sound of it , it could/should be over soon though......
in that case it's a matter of sitting tight

the other minor detail is the flat-mate thing. It all depends really how awkward it'll be, and also, who'd have to move out (if anyone) if it all gets messed up?

How long have you been there? would you be willing to move out if you mess up the household? what about the other flatmates? it's never straight forward. And also, do you think she would be interested..?

What you could do is sit tight for a while, hang out with her a bit more to see can you make sure the vibes are right, and if so, well you might as well make the suggestion or subtly hint at it and see where it leads (if she's single then...). Cos in fairness, from what you've posted, it sounds like this girl is different from most other girls you've met (I wont say "the one" but you know what I mean) and these don't come around too often....

confused? undoubtedly! I know I am :rolleyes:

as it happens a flatmate of mine made a move on me drunkenly a few years back. I was flattered but not interested in her in that way. We were actually all about to move out a few weeks later anyway and it wasn't too awkward for that few weeks and we remain very good friends so it doesn't always end in tears when something like that backfires but it's tricky. Best of luck!

Ruu_Old

Wait until she sorts her head out with her current relationship issues first before doing anything. She is probably confused and in quite a state right now.

SarahSassy

Tell her!!! There are plenty of flats/ apartments but few chances to be with the one you 'love / like'. Maybe she is dragging out this relationship as she does not think there is any hope with you. Maybe she thinks you are a player and would not be interested in her.

Do NOT let this chance pass.

Nevyn

Give her time to get over the last relationship or do you want to be a rebound ?
Also when you'd best be prepared that she will turn you down flat and be prepared to moved out it needed.

Wibbs

SarahSassy wrote:

Maybe she is dragging out this relationship as she does not think there is any hope with you.

Riiiiight. So in this scenario she would dump the other guy but only when she had someone already lined up, otherwise she would stay with the long distance lover? Oh yea I can see that being the moral choice alright. Nice line of thought I must say.

Do NOT let this chance pass.

It's not a chance until a) the other relationship is over or at least she tells you it's over and b) you tell her of your feelings. Otherwise she is cheating on some bloke and you're helping her to do it.

Thaedydal wrote:

Give her time to get over the last relationship or do you want to be a rebound ?
Also when you'd best be prepared that she will turn you down flat and be prepared to moved out it needed.

That's good advice.

Mr. Incognito

I'd tell her, but it's the manner you tell her that's most important. You don't want to wait for her to have a big fight with her boyfriend and then make a move as in the morning she'll think you're an asshole for taking advantage. I'd take her out for a drink or two and have a chat. Bring the conversation around to her boyfriend and see what she says. You need to know how she feels about him. If she's really in love with the guy than you need to back off, if she's thinking about ending it she needs to make that decision independently of your feelings as otherwise you'll be the one that ended that relationship, not her.

Once you know where the land lies there and if all things are favourable tell her you have feelings for her. Don't make a drunken move on her and hope things will work out in the morning. This is a delicate line and needs to be approached accordingly. Tell her that if it was a minor crush you wouldn't be telling her but you do in fact have pretty strong feelings for her and you'd like to know how she feels. Don't rush her or pressure her.

Hope it works out for you. I know what you mean about inner beauty. My girlfriend rarely wears make up or has to doll herself up but she GLOWS!

challengemaster

dominicsdilemma wrote:

I have asked my friends advice but they think it all about having sex with Isabella

Typical male... :rolleyes: *sigh*


anyway..

Let her sort out the current relationship. if it continues, it does. you walk away. If it ends, give her time to get herself back together, and be there for her if she needs someone to help 'picking up the pieces'. If she's back on her feet and single, Go for it. You might regret if you dont tell her, but i'd assume you'd regret more if you ruined her relationship and it didnt work out with you, leaving her in even worse state?

Like said, be prepared for the worst if it comes to it.

JackieChan

Personally I'd have to say that I would spend some more time with her and invite her to cinema,drinks with friends. I think evening meals might be treading the line, unless ye are going with friends.
I certainly would not just blurt out that I have feelings for her.

You have feelings for her, she needs to sort out her feelings but I wouldn't make mine known for awhile yet.

Kell

SarahSassy wrote:

Tell her!!! Do NOT let this chance pass.

Precisely. I did. Didnt work out, but she didnt fúck my bags off the balcony either though.

OP- as for the signals your think you are getting from her, forget them. Myself and the housemate passed out on the sofa several times wrapped round eachother, though nothing came of it. There wasnt one person I knew who wasnt convinced she was into me, but she wasnt <unbelievable, I know>

As Thaedy said, be prepared for the worst.

K-

Canis Lupus

Heh heh.... I finally got with my flatmate recently coincidentally.... But regardless, I'd say go with the Canadian. If she's good looking and has a brain to boot then her being available makes her the one to pick.

Being somewhat crass, if the Canadian doesn't like you or things don't work out then Isabella won't have gone anywhere. However, you haven't mentioned how Isabella acts around you. Do you sit on same couch late into the night watching movies/chatting/drinking, make each other breakfast/dinner/lunch/snacks just cos it's nice to rather than having to because it's your turn and do you go out with each other regularly in your social life etc etc. Or do you just sorta see her when she is about? I think your opinion on how she feels about you is sorta important.

dominicsdilemma

Thanks for all of you input and advice. I ended up speaking to (Isabella) at the weekend and found out a bit more info than I had known before, she will be looking to make a decision about her situation shortly as to whether to say in her current long distance relationship, while she loves him she knows that there wont be any long term fulfilment in the relationship also she does not want to move over there with him due to her work possibilities here in Ireland as opposed to over there, and if she finishes it she will take some time out for herself before finding a more stable relationship that she can be happy with where the is more future and stability.

So I think the best course of action is to hold off and avoid placing any further stress on her shoulders right now which could be more destructive and problematic if I say anything right now, but I think she possibly knows now that I have feelings for her.

Best case scenario I feel that I am in with a shot of having a possible relationship with her worst case scenario if her answer is a no that I hope that she and I can still be capable of being friends or at least staying in touch.

Thank you all for taking the time to let me know your thoughts on the problem.

Dominic.

sportbilly

Ask her if she wants to go out for dinner to take her mind off everything then!