Am I over-reacting.

LegacyUser

I've been seeing my girlfriend for 2 and a half years. We were very close but then I moved away for work for a year and we were only seeing each other every second weekend. We did grow a bit distant but we kept it together.
I cheated (slept with another girl) about a year agao and came clean to her about two months later as I couldn't deal with the wedge it was driving between me and her, as I value honesty.
She did forgive me and confessed she had kissed a guy also, we'l call him X. He's from her home town. Things have been going pretty okay the last couple of months. Great days and not so great days. This guy X is still in her life. She says he's just a friend. I was over at ther house last week and he rang her and she left the room to chat to him. Now in fairness to her she's being honest that they are still friends and stuff. She's at home this week and he's ringing her to go out. I told her that I did feel uncomfortle with the situation as he obviously likes her and he doesn't know about me. I asked her not to see him unless he was informed that she was dating me. My girlfriend got upset by this and texted back I can't deal with this today.

Now I do feel guilty all the time for what I did to her and I've been trying my hardest to make ammends. I don't know whether she likes this guy or is using both him and me to get back at me. She is quite shy and does find it hard to make friends. I wouldn't care if he knew that she was my girlfriend as the thought of another guy making moves on my girlfriend gives me the creeps.

At this stage I'm almost ready to chuck in the towel. i do love her immensely and we were always very close, but this is driving a wedge between us. Am I being unreasonable asking her to not see him when she says htere's nothing going on. Should I just trust her? I don't think I can back down over this.

Well I think you should insist she tells him she's seeing you and then leave it at that and see how it goes. I mean, my boyfriend comes up in conversation now and then, I'd probably have to consciously try if I wanted someone not to know he exists...

little lady

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable; you’re asking her to tell him that she has a boyfriend which would make it clear to him that she is out of bounds in terms of a bf\gf relationship.

The fact that she hasn’t already told him this and seems unwilling to do so would imo suggest that she is hanging on in the hope that something may happen. This would also be backed up by the fact that she has already kissed him and still wants him in her life. If it was purely for friendship reasons she should have no problem telling him about you.

tbh

it doesn't matter whether you are being unreasonable or reasonable.
here's what you have to get into your head: if your g/f wants something to happen with this guy, it's going to happen, no matter what you do. It wouldn't matter whether you were the soundest guy on the planet or the worst b/f in history, if she wants him, she wants him. All you are doing by asking her not to see him or getting thick if he rings is giving her "justification" (in HER mind) to be with him.

The choice here isn't "should I put my foot down or not" it is "knowing what I know about this girl, should I stick around or not". As many will no doubt say (and are probably saying even as I type), if you can't trust her, then the relationship won't work. It doesn't matter whether you can trust her or not, if you THINK that you can't trust her, it's over - all that's up for debate is whether you are justified in not trusting her or not.

Seriously, get out of the mindset of "if I act this way, she'll be faithful, if I act a different way, she won't". Nothing you can do can affect how she behaves in the long run, and you shouldn't try.

Your "gamble" if you like: Staying with her could cause you to get very very hurt, or nothing might happen and it could be amazing. Is she worth taking a chance on? Only you can call that.

super_furry

You're not being unreasonable in asking her to tell him she's seeing someone, that's perfectly acceptable. Seems to me like she's leading him on and enjoying doing so.

AnonoBoy

You're not being unreasonable at all.

You haven't tried to control her by insisting that she doesn't see him, which is a very mature thing to do. I think it's not at all out of line for you to expect her to tell him that she is in a relationship. Otherwise this guy will most likely be hitting on her and you can't really blame him for that because in his mind she is single and available.

If she won't tell him she's in a relationship then I'm afraid it's for not very wholesome reasons and it's time for you to dump her.

Of course the fact that you slept with someone else means that she could be doing all of this to punish or get back at you. But I don't know her so I couldn't say for sure.

Femelade

She's going out with you for 2 and a half years, and he doesnt know...?
You are not over reacting. She sould be sensitive to your feelings with all this...leaving the room to talk to him, the very fact that she hasnt told him about you would make me very cross if i was in that situation and i would have to bail out to be honest.

Kell

asdlkfjasdlf wrote:

I was over at ther house last week and he rang her and she left the room to chat to him.

That did it for me. In fairness, if you have nothing to hide, why leave the room. I have never left the room to answer a call in the company of a GF or anyone else for that matter.

You are being perfectly reasonable, but I dont think you should tell her not to see him. If I were in her shoes I would tell you to fúck off. Perhaps start with finding out why she left the room when she knows full well they see eachother. Its not like she didnt want you to know she was meeting him on x night, because she would tell you she was meeting him on x night.

K-

tbh

Kell wrote:

You are being perfectly reasonable, but I dont think you should tell her not to see him. If I were in her shoes I would tell you to fúck off.

K-

good point: Are you prepared for her to do that if you tell her not to see him? Cause if you are not, I foresee another PI shortly.

qwertyphobia

I have often left the room to answer calls, they may have been work calls or even calls from mates who may want to talk about something going on for them that my partner dosn't need to know about. Or simple so as not to annoy partner while they are trying to watch TV. I don't see that as an issue.

Likewise I don't think it's your place to tell her who she can and can't see.


To me personaly the much bigger point is that you are going out with someone for over 2 years and she hasn't told people about it? That strikes me as being at best odd and more importantly very disrespectfull to you and the relationship you have with her. I have in the past been in relationships with someone where I had to keep it secert (same sex relationship with a closseted guy) and frankly it was very difficult thing to do. It's not something that just happens you have to go way out of your way changing your lanauge and lying about where you are spending your time. You are seeing this girl every second weekend? how can she be hiding that fact.


Is there a reason she is being secertive?
Are there other people in her life she is not telling about her realtionship with you?


Unless I got very clear answers as to why she hasn't told people she is in a relationship with you, I would have to walk.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice.

it's not a secret we're going out. She's met all my mates and vice versa. She's been down to my family and I get on with hers I think in this guy's case she's keeping him as a bit of attention on the side. He has asked her out and she's said No and she seems to think that's acceptable grounds to hang out. I guess I'm a bit pissed at her for what i see as leading him on but at the same time I let her get away with stuff becuse I'm no angel myself and her confidence did take a bash when I cheated on her.

She's a great person and I don't think I'd be willing to go laying down ultimatums as it seems a bit harsh to me and I'm not her husband for ffs but I can't help feeling like she shouldn't need to have some guy hanging off her for her confidence levels. Is this common?

We're both in Dublin now and Mr X is in her home town so I guess I'm just freakin at the moment cus she's gone home for a week. I was going to drive down there for the long weekend but now that we've had this fight it looks like I'm coming to check on her. I want to see her but I don't want that rap either.