dodgy situation

LegacyUser

There's a fellow I used to work with a long time ago. I bumped into him, he started flirting with me and we exchanged phone numbers.

Turns out he doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a "friends with benefits" situation.

I don't mind that really so much, the last thing I want right now is a boyfriend who wants to put pressure on me to get married or whatever. I'd love to get married and have kids, but I'm so sick to death of worrying about getting too old to have kids - I'm 36 - and sick to death of online dating, poking through lots of profiles that all say "good sense of humour, no baggage" etc., that I'd rather just have a nice fling and forget about all that worrying for the time being.

Am I going through a low point right now for considering this, and am I settling for second best?

Because when I sit down and imagine how I want things to be with this fellow, it includes snuggling on the couch and spending time together, which is an actual relationship, I suppose.

Oh and my sister commented that if it starts out as a friends with benefits, chances are low that it woudl turn into a relationship later. I figured that I if I'm in close proximity, chances of being in a relationship are better than if i tell him to take a hike.

PeakOutput

Unreg94879857 wrote:

There's a fellow I used to work with a long time ago. I bumped into him, he started flirting with me and we exchanged phone numbers.

Turns out he doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a "friends with benefits" situation.

I don't mind that really so much, the last thing I want right now is a boyfriend who wants to put pressure on me to get married or whatever. I'd love to get married and have kids, but I'm so sick to death of worrying about getting too old to have kids - I'm 36 - and sick to death of online dating, poking through lots of profiles that all say "good sense of humour, no baggage" etc., that I'd rather just have a nice fling and forget about all that worrying for the time being.

Am I going through a low point right now for considering this, and am I settling for second best?

Because when I sit down and imagine how I want things to be with this fellow, it includes snuggling on the couch and spending time together, which is an actual relationship, I suppose.

Oh and my sister commented that if it starts out as a friends with benefits, chances are low that it woudl turn into a relationship later. I figured that I if I'm in close proximity, chances of being in a relationship are better than if i tell him to take a hike.

im a good bit younger so cant answer for the whole wanting kids and running out of time but from a male perspective i have had (and have at the mo) a friend with benefits or as my mates call them "pleasure partner" and i have also had serious relationships

to me i would not consider having a serious boyfriend girlfriend type relationship with the "friend" just becuase to me they are two things so far away from each other and she knows it too. if i met someone i wanted a relationship with i would not allow us to start of as "friends" first as no matter what you say there is a certain lack of respect for eachother when it comes to feelings or whatever(at least in my case) that develops on both sides after a period of simply,when it comes right down to it, using them for sex

having sex is not the way to develop the relationship being simple friends is but if thats not what he wants then he will scazrper at the suggestion i think

tbh

Unreg94879857 wrote:

I figured that I if I'm in close proximity, chances of being in a relationship are better than if i tell him to take a hike.

I think you are selling yourself short, but that's just my opinion. As to your question above, my answer would be, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? (no offense )

Kell

Unreg94879857 wrote:

Because when I sit down and imagine how I want things to be with this fellow, it includes snuggling on the couch and spending time together, which is an actual relationship, I suppose.

Well then. Why dont you do yourself a favour and figure out exactly what it is you want. Then come back and we'll help you go get it.

K-

Cancer-chick

From a female perspective i think TBH has it right ..

IMO (And this is going on your post only) I think if you are in the place of wanting to settle down and be a mother .. It does not sound like this will happen with this guy. So would'nt you definitely be selling yourself short ?

I know it sounds twee but you shouldnt settle for someone ..

Femelade

You want a relationship with this guy, being his friend with benefits will most probably not turn into a relationship, he's being honest enough with you, but you will get hurt if you go into this with the hope of something more, even when he has told you there will not be any more.

Ickle Magoo

Unreg94879857 wrote:

Am I going through a low point right now for considering this, and am I settling for second best?

I think unless it is EXACTLY what you want too, then yes, you are selling yourself short. Not only that, if you don't really want that kind of relationship you will end up feeling used & ashamed as well. If you are just wanting a warm body to snuggle up to then I think you could end up feeling pretty disappointed.

Unreg94879857 wrote:

Because when I sit down and imagine how I want things to be with this fellow, it includes snuggling on the couch and spending time together, which is an actual relationship, I suppose.

It doesn't sound like a casual shag with no ties is the kind of "relationship" you really want. I think you should work out exactly what you want before agreeing to anything.

Beruthiel

Unreg94879857 wrote:

Am I going through a low point right now for considering this, and am I settling for second best?

You are indeed settling for not only second best, but just about 'anything'.
From you post above, you sound so despondent. You are tired of the single life but don't want to settle down. You don't know what you want.

Because when I sit down and imagine how I want things to be with this fellow, it includes snuggling on the couch and spending time together, which is an actual relationship, I suppose.

As you said, that's a relationship, not a fuk buddy and your needs will not be fullfilled by this man, all it will lead to is an even emptier feeling inside.

I figured that I if I'm in close proximity, chances of being in a relationship are better than if i tell him to take a hike.

Don't be deluding yourself, thinking like that will only lead to disappointment.

If I were you, I'd quit thinking about men at all for a while.
Go out with your mates, have a good time, enjoy life and fill your free time with stuff you like doing.
I'm a great believer in a person full of life and loving it always attracts people to them by default.
Never, ever sell yourself short, you deserve the best, always.

TheBlock

Gonna go against previous posters here.....Me and my Partner of 5 years now started off as what some people refer to as "**** Buddies".

Neither of us were looking for a serious relationship at the time and it suited both of us to ocassionaly meet up. In order for this though we still needed to have somethings in common and have plenty to talk and laugh about. This FB thing is not all ****ing no talking!!

We developed our relationship over a period of time and are now fully commited. We just didn't commit at the outset so nobody could really be hurt in the initail stages.

Horses for Courses and all that but if you feel like you and this guy could have a relationship in the future what is the harm in trying this approach? It's not like all relationships start with a contract to be mutually exclusive and sex is not a taboo anymore if you want some get some...

Collumbo

To be honest you sound a bit all over the shop... ask yourself first what you want. Then proceed.

dame

You sound lonely. Wanting to have someone to snuggle up with on the sofa is only natural and we all need to feel close to our significant other and loved and wanted. I think you're just panicking about not having found someone to settle down with and have kids yet, so you're ready to grab whatever comes your way. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's just the feeling I get from reading your post.

Don't get together wih this man as "friends with benefits" and invest all your efforts into hoping it turns into the kind of relationship you really want. It's too much of a risk in my opinion.
Two options;
1. Don't go there and keep yourself and your options free for whoever Mr.Right happens to be, whenever he happens to come along.
2. Get together, have fun, but don't be putting all your eggs in one basket and hoping it'll turn into a relationship (as in don't feel tied to this guy if you meet someone you really like and who you would like to start a relationship with).

By the way, 36 isn't old and I personally would rather be single than settle down with someone just for the sake of settling down.

Xterminator

Well I'd disagree with most of the posters here.

Your not in a hurry for a 'serious' relationship, and neither is he. It could develop into a good friendship, or a lasting relationship, but chances are it will not. You will both be getting companionship and er comformt from the arrangement in the meantime.

However if you tell him to take a hike now, as you said chances are 0%.

Your both consenting adults, and my instinct would be give it a shot, and see where it goes. A kind of nothing ventured nothing gained situation.

Or you can keep waiting for prince charming ..... but itsa a lonely couch at night in the meantime!

What have u got to lose?

X

LegacyUser

OP,

I am in a similar position to you in that I am mid-30's and single and do get lonely from time to time. When you get lonely it can result in giving people chances who dont deserve it or who dont meet your 'ideal'... I think what posters may not realise on this forum that it is pretty difficult for most women (personal experience) to sleep with a guy on a regular basis and keep it 'rational'- in other words not let the heart get inolved. The majority of women are just not built that way. A lot of guys are and its why it generally is more beneficial for them to have this kind of relationship. He has been upfront and told you what he wants / doesnt want and it is unlikely he will change his mind.

You need to decide if you are willing to take what he is offering or stick it out and meet someone who will offer you more... only you can decide what you are capable of taking on.

mags16

The term "friends with benefits" gives this guy a great get out clause. If you get a bit involved and start to want something more, he can always say that you went in with your eyes open. I've been in that situation and I want to kick myself when I look back on it. Why shouldn't you want more? What's wrong with wanting a proper relationship with no boundaries or "get out" clauses.

If two people want to be ****buddies then that is great as long as that is what both people genuinely want. But your post doesn't sound like that.

Tell this guy to take a hike. You are better off snuggling up on the sofa with a good book and a glass of wine rather than a guy who doesn't respect you.