Can't Live With The Past

jj99

i have been dating my girlfriend for 5 months now. its been great, i love her so much. the problem is though i cant stop thinking about her ex-boyfriends and the amount of people she has hooked up with. she has slept with 20 people in the last 2 years. is that way too much, should i just forget about this and move on cause it was in her past. i just cant stop thinking about it. if she sees some guy on the street that she knows, i immediately think she's prob slept with him and it makes me feel really bad, i hate this situation and dont know what to do!

SuperSean11

If you love her it shouldnt matter everyone has a past if its not yours dont worry about it

boffin

Well I would recommend you start trying to live with the past or else you could every easily find yourself posting here asking how to get over her after she gives you your marching orders. Everyone has a past and you need to learn how to deal with it and your own insecurities about it. Its a learning curve and part of maturing. Being possesive or jealous isn't very attractive.

btw I'm not going to answer about the number because it feels like you are judging her

Wibbs

Meh, I'd rather be someone's last than someone's first.

Ruu_Old

Forget about her past or you will end up with nothing fairly soon. You are with her now and no one else can take that away from you.

Trinity

jj99 wrote:

i have been dating my girlfriend for 5 months now. its been great, i love her so much. the problem is though i cant stop thinking about her ex-boyfriends and the amount of people she has hooked up with. she has slept with 20 people in the last 2 years. is that way too much, should i just forget about this and move on cause it was in her past. i just cant stop thinking about it. if she sees some guy on the street that she knows, i immediately think she's prob slept with him and it makes me feel really bad, i hate this situation and dont know what to do!

If you want to keep her then you will have to forget about it and live with it or walk away now.

She was honest with you, (dunno why you discussed it tbh) so no point holding it against her.

If you threw it in her face even once in the future i would advise HER to DUMP you. SOme people would say 20 is a fair bit others wouldnt however its up to you how you feel about it personally.

Her past is her past and we all have one. Your only concern should be if she used protection and has she had a recent screening for HIV and STDs. If she hasnt I would strongly recommend she does and til then USE CONDOMS even if shes on the pill.

BeardyGit

How did you end up with the number in the first place? I'm always amazed when I hear about people who've been foolish enough to actually talk numbers....And even more amazed when those same people are actually honest in their response.

If anyone asked me for numbers, I'd lie. Tell your girlfriend to do the same when she figures out you're too immature for a woman of her vast experience and moves on....

Dudess

OP, I would recommend you watch the film Chasing Amy. If you haven't already, one of the main characters has this exact issue. When he discovers that his girlfriend has experimented sexually quite a bit, his world comes crashing down around him. But his girlfriend's past isn't the problem at all. It's him - his insecurity that he isn't as "experienced" or whatever as her; that when they experiment sexually with each other, it won't be "special" or new to her.

Rb

Either get over it (or learn to get over it), or break up with her if you feel you never will. Simple as.

Clarehobo

Everyone's pretty much said what I'm about to:
Get over it or get out of there.

I still don't get why people ask the numbers question - it's a total Pandora's box & it is never relevant to your relationship anyway.

Those other guys are in her past, you are her present: get over this immature obsession with numbers & maybe you'll be lucky enough to be her future as well;)

LegacyUser

'

jj99 wrote:

i have been dating my girlfriend for 5 months now. its been great, i love her so much. the problem is though i cant stop thinking about her ex-boyfriends and the amount of people she has hooked up with. she has slept with 20 people in the last 2 years. is that way too much, should i just forget about this and move on cause it was in her past. i just cant stop thinking about it. if she sees some guy on the street that she knows, i immediately think she's prob slept with him and it makes me feel really bad, i hate this situation and dont know what to do!

I admit that sleeping with over 20 blokes in 2yrs is a lot, almost one every 6weeks. I know you said she said it was 20blokes, but are you sure its not more something like 5 maybe?

You said that you love her so much and you've been together 5months, so all seems well. I wouldn't let it worry you to much, no doubt you will be worrying about something else next month as you get to know her more.'

Caliden

She's still with you for 5 months for a reason...
. Ask her why she broke up with her previous boyfriends and learn from their mistakes.

Carsinian Thau

There's really no point obsessing over it. You can't change her past and you'll drive yourself mad soon.
Either accept it or talk to her and get her to write down a list with the name of every guy she's slept with with an accompanying photo so you'll know and won't have to be wondering.
Personally I'd go with the first one because I can't see the second option ending well.

Clarehobo

That second option is not a good idea...:eek:

He won't get the chance to keep obsessing about her numbers because she will dump him the second she realises it bothers him so much.

iguana

Why would this bother you? It's her past. You are her present.

What she did when she was free and single isn't something you have a right to judge her for. If I found out that someone I was seeing was judging me then I would seriously consider walking.

And to the people who asked why would you talk numbers. When I was single I would usually bring up the subject very early on with a partner. I figured that it's the kind of thing that I had no interest in hiding, and it would probably come out at some point. I also wanted to let them know that I wasn't bothered with how many people they had been with.

And that way if it was going to be a problem, it was out in the open and we could walk away sooner rather than later.

jesus smith

hey bro, I feel for you had a very similar experience myself, and the thing is its normal to get freaked out or intimidated by a partner who is sexually more experienced then you also i know what you mean its more of a "if she gives it away that easily then sex must mean nothing to her" but sex does mean something to you if you haven't slept with that many people.
you see the worlds divided between people (like myself) who believe that sex is something that should be shared between two people
then theres others who believe that sex is just sex and it shouldn't have any conditions or boundaries.
both are kinda right and its a matter of opinion.
to be honest the only thing you can do is put up and shut up, i find that it lessens as time goes on and if you can maybe find something to do with her that shes never done before then you might feel better about it.

also will people stop asking why he asked about the numbers, sometimes the curiosity of not knowing is worse, i mean he could be sitting there freaked that its 50 and then it turns out to be 3. its better to know, cos then you can try work past it and move on.
in my experience it does lessen the longer you stay in the relationship and if you break up and go out with a few more girls then the next time you meet
someone promiscuous it wont be such an issue.

best of luck mate!

funktastic

jj99 wrote:

she has slept with 20 people in the last 2 years. is that way too much

smell her fingers when she comes in? do they smell of rubber? Then she's been using condoms...otherwise take it that she's been going bareback...i'm pretty sure she's ****ing someone as you type this

Cancer-chick

total bloody unhelpful crap

whats the point in posting if you have nothing constructive to say !

Beruthiel

funktastic wrote:

smell her fingers when she comes in? do they smell of rubber? Then she's been using condoms...otherwise take it that she's been going bareback...i'm pretty sure she's ****ing someone as you type this

Banned for a week.
B

Beruthiel

jj99 wrote:

i have been dating my girlfriend for 5 months now. its been great, i love her so much. the problem is though i cant stop thinking about her ex-boyfriends and the amount of people she has hooked up with. she has slept with 20 people in the last 2 years. is that way too much, should i just forget about this and move on cause it was in her past. i just cant stop thinking about it. if she sees some guy on the street that she knows, i immediately think she's prob slept with him and it makes me feel really bad, i hate this situation and dont know what to do!

OK
Reading the above I see the following:

Before you met your g/f she didn't live in a nunnery, she was out living life and having a good time.
She met you and has been with you for five months.
Your self esteem is so low you cannot hack the fact she had a life before you and are obsessing about it instead of realising that she may have slept with some people before you but for some unknown reason she happens to like you an awful lot or she wouldn't have given herself to you for the last 5 months.
Why not just thank your lucky stars that it's you she wants and get over it?

I'm with my partner for a long time now, never once did I ask how many people he slept with before me.
Why not?
Cos I don't care, am not interested and what he did before I met him is really none of my business. Life is too short to get hung up over such silliness.

little lady

So your girlfriend has a past? I presume you have a past with other women. But that is exactly what it is her past; you are her present, she has chosen to be with you, not any of the other guys. If you want to be her future you have to get over your hang up with the amount of men she has been with.

No one likes to think of their partners with someone else so most people don’t. Put it out of your mind and get on with the relationship you have with her, live life in the present not it the past, you can’t change the past.

Mr. Incognito

lol, Don't worry bout it dude. Personally I'd love a girlfriend that was open and free about sex, there's so many uptight women out there that treat sex like a dirty treasure box buried in the back garden. Sex is sex. Love is love. She may have had sex with other people but she's making love to you. There's a difference.

If it makes you feel any better 20 is small number to some people.

Aura

I really wish we wouldn't fool ourselves by asking about our partners sexual history like this only to have preconceived notions about what is or isn't acceptable. "You can't handle the truth" echoes here..

How does her past actually effect your present relationship in any way other than in your head? By all means ask that you BOTH go for screening but what she did and what mistakes she made, if any, before she was in a committed relationship with you were entirely up to her and though you understandably want to know all about the person you're sharing your life with, you shouldn't judge her on it if you want to continue to be in a relationship with her.

Our past brings us to our present, so if you love her now in the present accept her past. We all have them and I've heard some much more "shocking" than hers!

LegacyUser

Hi JJ99,

Sorry to hear about your troubles. As people have said above you need to try and get over it (If you can).
People are different and some can take this in there stride others will never accept it but all I ask you to do is be honest to yourself. If you do deal with it and you and your partner move on together make sure you have not just buried it down deep inside.

You don’t say how old you both are and how sexually active you were before you two got together and both of these could have a bearing on the problem.

I just say give yourself time and if it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier are if it’s getting worse you may have to take a brake from her.

I know this sounds a little hard but trust me you don’t want the upset and sadness of this multiplied x10 to come back and haunt you when you get older.

You know who you are and what upsets you and makes you happy, So if thinking of all the men that touched her are had sex with her is taking over your life and causing you pain I think you know what you have to do.


Best of luck.

Aura

Yeah, I agree with you there john4567.

You have to decide what constitutes an insurmountable issue to you and be prepared to leave this relationship behind if her past is such.

LegacyUser

I'm not gonna lie OP, i'd be the exact same...whatever. You just have to get over it i suupose.

LegacyUser

'I think people are being way too hard on the OP. 20 men in 2 years is LOADS. It may not be a popular opinion but the no of partners says something about a person. Everyone has a past, yes, but 20 men in 2 years shows that sex isn't anything special to her, and the OP has every right to be bothered by that. People have the right to sleep with however many people they like but future partners also have the right to decide if they're happy with that or not (if they know about the past).
I'm 21 and have slept with one person before my bf, and he wasn't happy about that. And that's one person. He is quite traditional about these things but I think most guys care at least a bit about the woman's past. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who'd slept with 20 girls. That doesn't make me sexist or judgemental - I just wouldn't be happy with it. Like if I met a guy who'd been in prison for murder - it's his past, but would you blame me for being very wary? Be realistic here, people.'

Wurly

Somehow I think being up for murder and having a 'promiscuous past' are two different things entirely. What a strange example to come up with. get a grip.

Wibbs

Yep the murder comparison is a bit mad alright. Then again she does makes a valid point. 20 sexual partners in 2 years is quite a lot. It does suggest issues that would make me uncomfortable, more on an emotional, psychological level. This would go for either gender, though the sad fact that a sexually active woman is viewed with much more suspicion in our society does make it more worrying that a woman would choose to sleep with that many partners. What's she trying to prove? The fact that she didn't even try to lie about it raises alarm bells a little. If she was exaggerating for effect the alarm bells would go into overdrive.

Regardless of all of that, my original advice still holds. She's with you now so try to put this where it belongs, in the past.

daiixi

Wibbs wrote:

Yep the murder comparison is a bit mad alright. Then again she does makes a valid point. 20 sexual partners in 2 years is quite a lot. It does suggest issues that would make me uncomfortable, more on an emotional, psychological level. This would go for either gender, though the sad fact that a sexually active woman is viewed with much more suspicion in our society does make it more worrying that a woman would choose to sleep with that many partners. What's she trying to prove? The fact that she didn't even try to lie about it raises alarm bells a little. If she was exaggerating for effect the alarm bells would go into overdrive.

Regardless of all of that, my original advice still holds. She's with you now so try to put this where it belongs, in the past.

Sure 20 sexual partners in 2 years suggests that she's perfectly happy with herself and is comfortable having sex with whoever she wants whenever she wants. I can understand how that could be uncomfortable.
To some people sex can be fun and an enjoyable thing. Tbh it's only "special" when with someone special. Just because one person is hung up over sex doesn't mean that the next person is.

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote:

This would go for either gender, though the sad fact that a sexually active woman is viewed with much more suspicion in our society does make it more worrying that a woman would choose to sleep with that many partners. What's she trying to prove?

It's a sad fact that society looks down on women who have sex... so it's worrying that a woman has sex?
And why should she be trying to prove anything? Less than one partner a month is "worrying"..?

The fact that she didn't even try to lie about it raises alarm bells a little.

Wtf? No seriously... wtf? You have alarm bells because someone is being honest?

The problem here is the OP being insecure, not her. He's the one who has issues with it. Either he can see it's his own problem, let go and move on... or stay being jealous every time she says hello to a guy.

Beruthiel

Wibbs wrote:

though the sad fact that a sexually active woman is viewed with much more suspicion in our society does make it more worrying that a woman would choose to sleep with that many partners.

You're right, she should have pandered to the double standards in some parts of society where it's fine for a bloke to get as many women as possible and sow his wild oats, but women should know how to behave themselves, eh?
How dare she think it was ok to have sex with someone every 6 weeks or so.

What's she trying to prove?

What makes you think she's trying to prove anything? Perhaps she's just living life as she wishes.

The fact that she didn't even try to lie about it raises alarm bells a little.[

Yup, it's always a good idea to lie, why be honest about something when you have absolutely nothing to hide?

galah

Unreggirl6 wrote:

'I think people are being way too hard on the OP. 20 men in 2 years is LOADS. It may not be a popular opinion but the no of partners says something about a person. Everyone has a past, yes, but 20 men in 2 years shows that sex isn't anything special to her, and the OP has every right to be bothered by that. People have the right to sleep with however many people they like but future partners also have the right to decide if they're happy with that or not (if they know about the past).
I'm 21 and have slept with one person before my bf, and he wasn't happy about that. And that's one person. He is quite traditional about these things but I think most guys care at least a bit about the woman's past. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who'd slept with 20 girls. That doesn't make me sexist or judgemental - I just wouldn't be happy with it. Like if I met a guy who'd been in prison for murder - it's his past, but would you blame me for being very wary? Be realistic here, people.'

Statements like this make my blood boil, honestly!
surely everyone has the right to do what they want, and if someone wants to have fun and have sex without strings attached, that should be perfectly fine. It doesn't mean that sex isn't special to them, it just means that they are enjoying themselves, experimenting, enjoying their sexuality, and may not be ready to settle down. Sex can be enjoyable without the whole commitment stuff attached, so I really don't get what's wrong with it...

And there are people out there who quite happily separate a good shag and true love (until they find someone where both are united), so just get over it.

Wibbs

Beruthiel wrote:

You're right, she should have pandered to the double standards in some parts of society where it's fine for a bloke to get as many women as possible and sow his wild oats, but women should know how to behave themselves, eh?

Eh no. If everyone calms down from the old feminist rhetoric for a second and you'll see it's the wrong end of the stick you're grabbing. I'm not about to drag this off topic and into why there exists this double standard but I did write "This would go for either gender".

How dare she think it was ok to have sex with someone every 6 weeks or so.

I was merely suggesting that some would have issues with this. The OP certainly does. Was she having sex with random types "every 6 weeks" or was she changing boyfriends every six weeks? It might surprise you to know that the latter would concern me more.

What makes you think she's trying to prove anything? Perhaps she's just living life as she wishes.

I hope that works out for her. The whole do what you please can bite you in the arse if you're not careful. There are questions that the OP should be asking. Did she practice safe sex would be a biggy.

Yup, it's always a good idea to lie, why be honest about something when you have absolutely nothing to hide?

Honesty is not always the best policy. In this case anyway, especially with the societal reactions it can raise. Frankly if you take a straw poll on this subject the chances are good that most (rightly or wrongly)would feel more sympathy towards the OP's side. Rightly or wrongly a lot would think she does have something to hide. The double standard exists. Like it or lump it. In a case like this when dealing with a new partner and knowing that many would take issue, keeping one's big mouth shut is far more wise. For the sake of the partner if nothing else.

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote:

Eh no. If everyone calms down from the old feminist rhetoric for a second and you'll see it's the wrong end of the stick you're grabbing. I'm not about to drag this off topic and into why there exists this double standard but I did write "This would go for either gender".

I was fine with that, but then you said

though the sad fact that a sexually active woman is viewed with much more suspicion in our society does make it more worrying that a woman would choose to sleep with that many partners

i.e. the sad fact that a woman is looked down upon makes it worrying that she doesn't pander to society's old taboos.

I hope that works out for her. The whole do what you please can bite you in the arse if you're not careful. There are questions that the OP should be asking. Did she practice safe sex would be a biggy.

That's fine, but being suspicious of every guy she says hello to is not healthy.

The double standard exists. Like it or lump it.

We know. What we have a problem with is you finding it "worrying" that women don't pander to the double standard and suggest they must be "trying to prove something".

Wibbs

bluewolf wrote:

i.e. the sad fact that a woman is looked down upon makes it worrying that she doesn't pander to society's old taboos.

More to the point it is worrying that she told him given those taboos and given that they're not so old either. It made no sense to be "honest" in this, especially if she was aware of his lack of experience. If nothing else she's a bit slow on the uptake(or she indeed feels she has something to prove). Anyway if the OP was a woman and the boyfriend said the same thing I would have the same reaction.

That's fine, but being suspicious of every guy she says hello to is not healthy.

I agree entirely.

We know. What we have a problem with is you finding it "worrying" that women don't pander to the double standard and suggest they must be "trying to prove something".

Frankly I have found often they are. Men too, but women moreso precisely because of that percieved double standard.

In any case this is going in circles. In the end the OP can't control her or her past. Nor should he wish to. All he can do is control his own feelings in this. If the issue is that big and threatens the relationship then they both need to sit down and talk about it.

BTW Love the royal "we"

Clarehobo

Wibbs wrote:

Did she practice safe sex would be a biggy.

That question applies to anyone who has had previous sexual partners or relationships, not just the OP's girlfriend.
Has the OP practised safe sex too?

I'm not getting into this whole "what's an appropriate number of partners" debate, but sleeping with 20 guys in one year does not imply that she is into unprotected sex.

Wibbs

Clarehobo wrote:

That question applies to anyone who has had previous sexual partners or relationships, not just the OP's girlfriend.
Has the OP practised safe sex too?

Well yea. Obviously.

but sleeping with 20 guys in one year does not imply that she is into unprotected sex.

Of course not, but if bloke A slept with one person and bloke B slept with 20, then bloke b is statistically more likely to harbour nasties if he wasn't being careful.

Clarehobo

I agree with you on that last point Wibbs:
Totally agree about the school of thought where when you sleep with your partner, you sleep with your partner's past partners.

I just think a few people here have made a few comments that the girl has been practising unsafe sex, which is a pretty unfair assumption: she's probably more careful than most people.

The OP is worried enough as it is without adding to his anxiety.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

Dudess wrote:

OP, I would recommend you watch the film Chasing Amy. If you haven't already, one of the main characters has this exact issue. When he discovers that his girlfriend has experimented sexually quite a bit, his world comes crashing down around him. But his girlfriend's past isn't the problem at all. It's him - his insecurity that he isn't as "experienced" or whatever as her; that when they experiment sexually with each other, it won't be "special" or new to her.

wasn't that clerks? with the 37 blowjobs or whatever

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote:

BTW Love the royal "we"

Beruthiel and daii had the same reaction as me so I presumed to speak for them too

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Can I ask in what way you have a problem with your gf's past sexual partners? Is it in a "she knows more than me" way, "They may have been better/bigger than me" way, "I want a virgin" way, "I'm scared she has issues which make her promiscuous" way, etc, etc?

There are so many underlying reasons why it could bother you but I'd say the majority of them are your issues rather than hers. If you are worried about your health or her state of mind then you should talk to her & get yourselves to the Dr's for testing.

I know that a gf having a past can be an issue for some guys for whatever reason but you are going to find very few women without a past & as you get older that number decreases further. Is it the numbers that bother you? Maybe ask her what life was like that she had 20 partners. I was a party animal & pretty promiscuous for a few yrs - I've also been completely faithful in long-term monogomous relationships. The two don't have to be exclusive.

Anyway, if you let us know why it bothers you we could probably give you better advice.

jj99

I was a virign before i met her and i kept on asking her about her past so i kinda dragged it out of her. i had heard from other ppl before i met her that she was a "slut" but she turned out to be such a nice girl. she says when she thinks about sex she thinks about it with me and doesnt even think about it with previous boys. i hate the fact she has done it with so many though. the ppl she has done it with are all friends or all ppl she knew, she never hooked up in a bar with a random guy or anything like that. i dont know anymore!

Wibbs

jj99 wrote:

I was a virign before i met her and i kept on asking her about her past so i kinda dragged it out of her. i had heard from other ppl before i met her that she was a "slut" but she turned out to be such a nice girl. she says when she thinks about sex she thinks about it with me and doesnt even think about it with previous boys. i hate the fact she has done it with so many though. the ppl she has done it with are all friends or all ppl she knew, she never hooked up in a bar with a random guy or anything like that. i dont know anymore!

Right pick up a chair and sit down. Forget everything. She is with you now. She is a nice girl. She is the girl you love. She loves you. Sex wise she has gone from "doing it" with others to doing it with just one. YOU. Even though you hadn't a clue she still wants to be with you. She still wants to "do it" with you. What does that tell you? While you're sitting there you need to take a big drink of "cop the fúck on" juice. It's on special offer today. FFS There are guys that know her and would cut off a limb to have what you have. There are guys who don't know her that would do the same to have what you have. Although unfashionable, I'm tempted to suggest you grow the hell up and act like a man and just be with the woman that it seems loves you, in spite of your issues.

end rant.

jesus smith

Hey bro, listen there’s a lot of people on here using this as a place to just spout their bull, my advice is to ignore them and to the mods why not try to actually help him instead of just using his post to publicly espouse your view on women in society,
the truth of the matter is yes your girlfriend was promiscuous and this is hard enough to deal with if you've had other partners but if you where a virgin it must be incredibly difficult.
I understand that you see this girl as something special because she’s the first and only girl you've slept with and you may have inadvertently put her up on a Pedistool.
you feel she couldn’t possibly feel the same about you but the truth is that she loves you in a different way to the way you look at her.
You see, she slept with you and it made you feel a lot closer to her then probably anyone before and just because she doesn’t share that you assume your not as special to her, however you’re the only person who makes her feel the way she feels now
If she felt the way she feels about you with everyone she’d be the one on here with problems about her boyfriends numbers.
If you want to takes this to pm feel free to mail me, I went through this (albeit not wth such numbers) when I was a teenager so I might be able to help.