guys+ dealing with stuff..

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have completely different ways of dealing with things...

we've been going out for a few months+ I have realised that, if any sort problem arrises, I deal with it by TALKING about it... so that it can be dealt with there and then and finished with. I think this might annoy him a little, as he's the sort of person that doesn't like to TALK+ just perfers to bury things.

So guys in general.. what do ye think.. I know alot of guys do tend to just prefer to forget about things etc... does this really work? or do things just build up?

Boston

Alot of women talk at men, and alot of men take it on the chin and ignore them. You can't talk about problem if you're doing all the talking.

The Corinthian

My experience is that men will tend to talk to seek a solution to a problem while women will tend to talk to seek validation. It’s a generalisation and certainly not true in all cases (such as yours), but I have found it to be a fair rule of thumb in the past.

As to your boyfriend, he’s passive aggressive – a particularly common trait in Ireland. This means he’ll not confront a problem and in the case of an argument in a relationship will avoid confrontation then do his own thing regardless or get is own back in a roundabout way.

Kell

To put the previous two posts together, my experience has shown that women talk at men to seek validation that their argument is right. As TC said, men dont really look for a right or a wrong, just a solution to the problem.

I have long since come to the conclusion that there is no right or wrong just differences of opinion that must be accepted for both sexes to get on. Or anyone to get along really.

K-

LegacyUser

About this whole passive aggressive thing... and it does sound that my boyfriend is passive aggressive... I completely trust him... but if something was ever wrong, then I wonder is it just part of him not to tell me. Is there anyone else out there who is passive aggressive+ would never say to their gf/ bf if something was the matter (and let things build up)?

The_Conductor

Sounds like a classic Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus scenario. I'd add to the above that women in general like to discuss things- but when you start to discuss things with a man- we tend to either a) ignore the problem and deal with it in our own way or b) more likely- instead of discussing the problem, as women like to do, we take the bullet points and prescribe a solution- instead of simply discussing an issue it becomes a problem that has to be solved.

In short- women like to discuss problems, men like to solve them- rather than discussing them (which can be very annoying for someone who is simply trying to discuss something).

Stabshauptmann

1368912 wrote:

My boyfriend and I have completely different ways of dealing with things...

we've been going out for a few months+ I have realised that, if any sort problem arrises, I deal with it by TALKING about it... so that it can be dealt with there and then and finished with. I think this might annoy him a little, as he's the sort of person that doesn't like to TALK+ just perfers to bury things.

So guys in general.. what do ye think.. I know alot of guys do tend to just prefer to forget about things etc... does this really work? or do things just build up?

We dont bury things, we honestly forget about them or feel they dont matter. Does it work? For problems between guys, yes. But with women they never let you forget anything

K-9

Men V. Women again

I think women like to talk about how they are feeling about a problem. They generally aren't looking for a solution (which we are wired to do) more just describing the situation and their feelings on it.

Also surveys have shown that women do talk more than men in a day. We do most of ours at work and have used 80% of our quota by the evening .

It's nothing personal or that you are incompatible, it's the way we are wired. Doesn't mean he's not listening to you though.

Esel

1368912 wrote:

..he's the sort of person that doesn't like to TALK+ just perfers to bury things..... does this really work? or do things just build up?

It doesn't work in the long run. Lots of guys end up still being passive-aggressive, and alone.

DarkJager

Exactly....men don't take things as personally or deeply as women... Women get clouded by the sitiation while men just sit back and view it logically without predjudice

Boston

DarkJager wrote:

Exactly....men don't take things as personally or deeply as women... Women get clouded by the sitiation while men just sit back and view it logically without predjudice

Ha yea right. That some delusional view of men you have there. Simple fact is when you really don't care about something it's easy to step back and look at it logically and with a clear head, however when it's something that has you panicked and involves you deeply, it's extremely difficult to. Thing is, alot of what women thing are problems, even major ones, men don't see them as problems, and stuff their approach to dealing with them is different.

Marksie

smccarrick wrote:

Sounds like a classic Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus scenario.

Yeah i read that at one stage. An ex sent it to me to help me improve. I sent it back afterwards with some relevent passages underlined for her own edification.

Still it did approach this situation OP and its petty much what everyone else is saying, that men aren't really good listeners and are more conditioned to solving problems than just letting women resolve their own issues by just talking and that understanding this on both sides will resolve potential areas of conflict as a result

Similary when put on the spot guys have a tendency to retreat into their "cave" (which i think indicated how far back this conditioning goes).

Have to say though, that even in just listening at some point there comes a point where my brain does become overloaded., and it is described as my screensaver face.:D At that opint we break off and continue later when i have rewired it.*


*alternatively i stalk off with a club and a dead antelope and hide out for a while

Carrigart Exile

I always loved the explanation that men like to unsort the problems by sitting quietly fire gazing whereas the woman's way is to talk about them; whoever designed us is having a right laugh

K-9

marksuttonie wrote:

Still it did approach this situation OP and its petty much what everyone else is saying, that men aren't really good listeners and are more conditioned to solving problems than just letting women resolve their own issues by just talking and that understanding this on both sides will resolve potential areas of conflict as a result

Probably not so much good listeners, we like to summarise and pick the main points and the logistically reason it:) It might take us a few days to do the reasoning though.:)

Women are more verbal, expressive of their emotions or problems. Which then goes back to us men seeing the women having a problem, so we must reason it through. Often, women want someone to talk to, not solve the war in Iraq.:)

Splendour

1368912 wrote:

My boyfriend and I have completely different ways of dealing with things...

we've been going out for a few months+ I have realised that, if any sort problem arrises, I deal with it by TALKING about it... so that it can be dealt with there and then and finished with. I think this might annoy him a little, as he's the sort of person that doesn't like to TALK+ just perfers to bury things.

So guys in general.. what do ye think.. I know alot of guys do tend to just prefer to forget about things etc... does this really work? or do things just build up?

If you are talking about something NOT realted to your relationship with your boyfriend then I don't think this is a problem. However, if there's something you would like to discuss with him then you need to tell him that. Guys n gals are wired differently and meant to compliment each other. There are times when women just want a listening ear, and men try to solve though a woman doesn't necessarily at that time need or want a solution. Try to get inside a guys mind;how does he know the difference? You have to tell him! (Or ask him...)

Dalfiatach

While it's true that men immediately look to get to the main salient points of the issue so we can come up with a Plan and solve it; whereas women really just want to talk (and talk, and talk :rolleyes: ) about their feelings about an issue with no intention of resolving it at all, and this leads to confusion in any relationship, there's another problem too.

75% of the issues a women has in the average week simply make no sense to a fella. Seriously girls, most of the time we really haven't a clue what the hell yer going on about or why yer so upset about it! There seems to be a whole list of things that men simply ignore, but women consider a Big Deal.

Maybe it goes back to the practical problem-solving thing too. For a fella, the big issues are, in no particular order:

1) Money to pay rent? Check
2) Food in fridge? Check
3) Car taxed n NCT'd? Check
4) Possibility of a shag sometime this month? Check
5) Few eurons for a coupla pints with the lads on Saturday? Check
6) Hmmm. Bit hungry. Go get sandwich.

All the seemingly hundreds of nebulous incomprehensible things that women seem to talk themselves into a tizzy over really just do not register on our radar as "problems" at all. It's just background noise, scenery. We don't sweat the small stuff. We don't even notice the small stuff.

Women, of course, believe we're "bottling it all up" and "withdrawing". In reality we're letting you ramble on about bizarre nonsensical nonsense till yer tired of talking, while we ponder the merits of new alloys for the batmobile

SarahSassy

Dalfiatach wrote:

Women, of course, believe we're "bottling it all up" and "withdrawing". In reality we're letting you ramble on about bizarre nonsensical nonsense till yer tired of talking, while we ponder the merits of new alloys for the batmobile

And ain't that why we lurve ye!!!!!!!

Have to agree and while I am a lady, I find the constant analysis (guilty of it myself) and talking about talking boring most of the time. I tend to prefer the conversations I have with male friends. I feel I learn more from them as they talk abut 'things' and 'events' rather than relationships and feelings.

LegacyUser

'

Dalfiatach wrote:

Women, of course, believe we're "bottling it all up" and "withdrawing". In reality we're letting you ramble on about bizarre nonsensical nonsense till yer tired of talking, while we ponder the merits of new alloys for the batmobile

QFT.

"letting you ramble on about bizarre nonsensical nonsense till yer tired of talking"

For real.'

Anti

It really depends on my frame of mind, If i am calm and relaxed i will gladly talk abotu things, but if im pissed off, annoyed or stressed i just dont want to know and would just walk away.