How to get mum to stop being so negative... advice please

LegacyUser

My family are going through a very tough period at the moment, very long story but she found out my dad had a long affair many years ago. Splitting up is not an option, so we need to try to get over it and move on, but we are worried that my mother may never be able to do this. She is a very demanding person and always wants attention of some sort. All the kids have left home and all but me live overseas. My parents relationship has been 'ok' but they do not share many hobbies etc and don't do a lot together. All these things affect my mother a lot, as all she wants is the perfect life she sees her friend hvae - a very large and close family always doing things together and enjoying life. Because my mum doesn't have that she moans and complains constantly. I think my dad is a saint for putting up with it day in day out but she thinks he's terrible.

We have constantly tried everything we can think of to try to improve my mums quality of life, but almost everything we suggest is shot down with one excuse after another, I think she enjoys being miserable, but it really is affecting the rest of the family, and we can't take it any more.

We have got her counselling on several occasions but it doesn't seem to do any good. She just tells them all her problems and looks for more pity but never seems to make a difference. Both myself and more so my sisters spend a lot of time talking to her about whatever problems are prevalent at the moment, but my mum just wants an opportunity to mean complain and compare her live to the lives of people around her. She does not listen to any advice I try to give her and constant goes over the same stuff time and time again. Her favourite is dragging up things that happened in the past, marital problems or life disappointments. I see no benefit in this and is just upsets everyone.

I am a very positive person and always try to look on the bright side. So does my dad and we both constantly try to get her to do the same but it does not work. Since this affair we really need her to try to move on and try to get some happiness into her life, and also make our lives easier. I try to give her things to read and even dvd's to watch about being positive and becoming happy. The usual response is "That's all well and good for other people but they have not been through what I have" or "I know all this already..."

What can I do in this situation? Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks

Talliesin

She's getting too much short-term benefit from the attention to get any long-term benefit from the advice.

Tell her you aren't prepared to listen to it any more.

dame

It really isn't your responsibility to ensure your mother is happy at all times. You've been doing your best as have your sisters by the sound of things, but as Talliesin said, tell her you're not going to listen to it any more. Tell her you're happy to help her and do things with her to change her life but you don't see any point in making you both miserable raking over the same old crap. Besides, she's your parent and as such she shouldn't be burdening you with listening to her marital troubles. If I was you, I'd ask her how she is, let her talk for a few mins and then just change the subject. I'd do that every time I spoke to her and if she insisted on bringing up the same old stuff again I'd ask her what's changed since the last time she told you all about it and say "well then if nothing's changed there's no point in repeating it again" or something to that effect. Hopefully she'll soon get the idea that you and your sisters don't want to be listening to the same old misery talk every time you speak to her.