Friends or not?

LegacyUser

I'm hoping someone might be able to offer some advice on this, sorry about the long post too but it's really starting to wreck my head at this stage

I'm doing a college course at the moment and there's a girl who is in some of my classes that I get on really well with, we're both mid 20s - don't want to go into too much detail...just in case! I've only got to know her in the last few months but we hit it off really well. Initially I thought she was interested in me but that proved not to be the case. She said she just wanted to be friends and that was fine with me - I genuinely do enjoy her company and I'm not hoping she'll change her mind or anything like that.

We spend a fair bit of time together; having lunch, we meet up in college on days when we don't have a class together, going out to things that are on in the college, for drinks etc. A lot is at her suggestion and this didn't slow up after it was established that we're only going to be friends, it was the opposite if anything. We're pretty open with each other too, both of us are somewhat private people and some of the things we talk about and tell each other definitely aren't what we would tell a casual acquaintance. All the signs of a friendship right?

The problem is, she seems to be mostly interested in going out/meeting up/returning texts etc. when it suits her (well, this is how it appears to me at least). A lot of the times I suggest doing something she'll get vague and non-committal and then, at the last minute in a couple of cases, she'll say she something ambiguous about 'other plans' and can't go as a result. This also happens when the group we hang around with in college are going out. As I said, she has no problem suggesting we both go out to things she wants to do/see, so it's not like she's trying to avoid me. I don't expect her to tell me everything she does either, it's just annoying that one minute she'll be acting like we're best mates and then the next she'll be really distant, almost like she's trying to hide something - if we actually are friends all she has to say is "I'm going out" or whatever. A few times she's told me the following day what she had been doing!

I don't talk about this situation at all with the people that know us. A few seem to think there's something going on (or potential for something going on!) between us even though I'm telling them the opposite, so I don't want to encourage that even more! I've told one friend the whole story though and she's of the opinion that I'm getting used by this girl, either as some sort of ego trip for herself or else she's seeing someone (I don't know if this is the case, she told me she's single anyway) and she's not telling me the full story in case I "lose interest" (my friend's words). It wouldn't bother me if she was - again, I'm not hoping she'll suddenly want to be my girlfriend or anything, I'm happy being mates with her.

I'm really not sure what I should do. My friend and my common sense are telling me to avoid contact with her outside of the classes that we're in i.e. no going for lunch, no going out after college etc. We get on so well together though, I'd hate to lose that - especially if I'm overreacting. She is good looking and has no problem getting attention from guys so I find it very hard to believe she'd need to string me along for the attention and she would also be going to great lengths (telling me the personal stuff etc.) to do this if it was the case.

Thanks for reading this anyway, maybe someone can help me out.

I've told one friend the whole story though and she's of the opinion that I'm getting used by this girl, either as some sort of ego trip for herself or else she's seeing someone (I don't know if this is the case, she told me she's single anyway) and she's not telling me the full story in case I "lose interest" (my friend's words).

Yeah, sounds like that to me too. Ease up on contact a bit I guess.

LegacyUser

'

bluewolf wrote:

Yeah, sounds like that to me too. Ease up on contact a bit I guess.

Thanks. I've been thinking this myself like I said - guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. I really know how to pick them... '

wyndham

Maybe she is seeing someone else from the group, or otherwise,and, knowing how you feel about her, does not want to hurt your feelings.

Either way, she just wants to be friends and you want more so maybe it would be healthier if you eased off a little on suggesting things to do/contacting her.

Find anudder burd. to make her jealous.

wyndham

wyndham wrote:

Maybe she is seeing someone else from the group, or otherwise,and, knowing how you feel about her, does not want to hurt your feelings.

Either way, she just wants to be friends and you want more so maybe it would be healthier if you eased off a little on suggesting things to do/contacting her.

Find anudder burd.

What are you talking about? He's said a number of times he doesn't want more...

wyndham

bluewolf wrote:

What are you talking about? He's said a number of times he doesn't want more...

To me, it's patently obvious that he does, otherwise he would not be obsessing about her on this forum at length.

LegacyUser

'

wyndham wrote:

Either way, she just wants to be friends and you want more so maybe it would be healthier if you eased off a little on suggesting things to do/contacting her.

I don't want more, that's the thing. Initially I did but that's not the case now. Also, she probably makes more suggestions about doing stuff than I do! I'm not the one initiating all the time - that's one of the reasons it's wrecking my head!'

Talliesin

She's a friend, but she's a fair-weather friend.

Since we can't all be bussom-buddies with everyone we know, that's okay. Just because you can't expect her to put herself on the donor list if you ever need a kidney, doesn't mean you can't enjoy doing something with her.

Cateym

As above I would be seriously limiting your contact with her. She seems to just pick you up and put you down when it suits her. A genuine friend wouldn't do that.

If she values your friendship she will notice when it disappears if not you're better off without someone like that. Put the effort into your real friends.

A Primal Nut

Sorry to say she's a chick player. These kinda girls love leading guys on and messin' with they're heads so they can get attention. I know it might seem ridiculous but I once read an excellent ebook by Carlos Xuma which contained a chapter on this topic, and as soon as I read it I realised it had happened to me a few years ago. I also see it come up now and again on the Personal Issues forum. The classic sign here is she only goes out when she suggests it but not when you suggest it. Talk about other girls to her, make sure she knows she can't have your undivided attention and don't start doing loadsa favours for her, that was my mistake. If they know you fancy her, the more she'll behave this way

Here's the excerpt from that ebook, see if it applies to you:

Y.A.S.S. – Recognize the Chick Players
Keep in mind that beautiful women (and especially younger women) are
bombarded with attempts to get them into bed. They can have their pick of the men out
there, and they can even have their pick of the Alphas. It’s easy to be led on by a
woman. Especially one that likes to play men for the attention.
I call this the “Y.A.S.S.” syndrome. This stands for “You Are So Sweet!”
Imagine the life of a beautiful woman for a moment:
Ever since she was little, she’s been told what a beautiful girl she is. She
harvested attention from everyone in her world, and her esteem was built by all this
admiration of her looks. She learned very early how easy boys were to manipulate and
get to do her bidding. They’d do whatever she said just for the opportunity to be with
her. When she was a teenager, she’d prick-tease them, letting them think they might get
a piece of her pie at some point, but she always managed to get away without
delivering. Usually, after she’d used you, and as she’s leaving you or going off to her
boyfriend, she’d say, “Oh … You are so sweet!”
And that, my friends, is the consolation prize she wants you to have for being one
of her groupies. She collects guys like this, even the dumb ones that buy her things and
get nothing in return, and gives them her best speech about “If I didn’t have a boyfriend,
we’d be together,” or some other bull**** like that.
She’s an attention whore.

Learn to recognize these women when they pop up in your life. They’re the
women that you sense you’ll never get anywhere with, but they lead you on like an
expert. They play the Alpha game with you, but they always stay just outside your
reach. They can be seduced, but you’ve got to be totally sharp and focused to get into
their bubble of illusion.
The key to avoiding women like this, the Chick Players and the time wasters of
Alpha Man life, is to recognize when she’s really not attracted to you or not likely to
follow through sexually with you. Here are some of the signs:
- “You are so sweet!” – She gives you consolation prizes for not
coming through. One is to tell you what a “great guy” you are, or
how “sweet” you are.
- Condescending consolation prizes – This is another form of
the previous one, but you smell them by their tone and delivery
and the way she seems to pity you slightly. “Oh, aren’t you a
sweetie,” she says, patting your arm, or giving you a peck on
the cheek. This is usually accompanied by an expression like
she’s looking at puppies in the window of a store.
- Attention shots – She gives you attention in occasional doses,
just to keep you around and hopeful. She’ll break away from you
to talk with some friends, and then turn her attention back to you
in a way that almost sounds flattering, but she’s really just giving
you a little maintenance attention so that you don’t totally lose
interest and leave.
“So, John, tell me about this place you work at again…
something about a bank or something?” “Uh, yeah, I work at –“
“Oh, hey, here’s Sara! Yeah, Sara! Woo-hoo!”
She’ll also toss you an occasional compliment or boost to your
male ego, but it’s never very sincere. And you know deep in
your heart she’s not digging you, but you keep playing her
game.
- Using you for favors – She has you buy her drinks or give her
some kind of benefit as proof of your sincerity or worthiness.
She will have you drive her or her friends around from party to
party or bar to bar. She’s a user.
- Leading you on and always backing off – She’ll sometimes
be very sexually forward, but always manage to keep you from
getting anything real from her, like a deep kiss or some heavy petting. Just when you think she’s letting you get somewhere,
she finds a distraction.
“Ooh! Look at that beach!” she slaps your arm and pushes you
back from a kiss, pointing to the television.
- Constantly backing out of plans – These women are about as
reliable as the weather. They will only show up to dates or
situations that are favorable to them, and this is always subject
to their mood. You might get them out to a social scene, but
you’re not likely to get her isolated anytime soon. No followthrough.

scoey

I definitely agree with the person who said it's blatant that the OP is attracted to her.

So, you got to know her and got on well got on well. I guess her mentioning "just being friends" came about as a result of you hinting at something more. I assume you were interested at one stage, and to be honest I don't think people just switch feelings of attraction on and off, especially if you really like spending time with her.

You seem very upset about her being "distant" or not some amazing friend all the time. You don't know her that well, why are you so upset? It seems to me like you are putting too much interest into her moods/how she's acting towards you, no doubt because you most likely have feelings for her, even if you're telling youself that you don't. Maybe you're just hoping that you can be super best friends with her for a while which will lead to a relationship? Either that or you're incredibly hard up for friends in general and can't bare the thought of one slipping through your fingers. Are you like this with all your friends?

I suggest you move on. She knows you're interested, she isn't, this will influence every aspect of your friendship, and will manifest itself in little ways like say, oh, you getting all bothered when she acts "distant" or doesn't respond to a text message promptly.

Of course, if you honestly aren't attracted to her, and you can be made this upset by a "friend" you've known a couple of months acting "distant" toward you, I reckon you have bigger problems than I'm giving you credit for, and seriously need to work on not letting the moods of other people get to you so much.

As an aside, have you considered making some male friends?

the_syco

Well, it sounds like she doesn't want a relationship, but thinks that you are still trying to salvage one.

Chucky the tree

how do you know he doesnt hav any male friends?

scoey

Chucky the tree wrote:

how do you know he doesnt hav any male friends?

I don't, I'm just jumping to wild conclusions. He mentioned that the friend he consulted about this was also female. You're right though, maybe he does have lots of male friends whose "distance" he gets equally upset about.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the replies. Just to clear it up, I have male friends and I have other friends outside of college.

The reason I was posted the question was that it was pointed out to me (like I said) that she seems to be using me, it would appear others agree and I was starting to think the same myself, so I'll go with the suggesting of breaking off contact etc.

Thanks again.'

jrey1981

I've been in a similar situation and it can be a killer.

Next time she suggests doing something, say that you've got other plans. Make her do the chasing and assert yourself a bit more now and then.

If this doesn't help, I'd advise gradually reducing contact with her, for your own sanity. Easier said than done, I know.

The article above on chick players seems to ring true.

Kell

scoey wrote:

I definitely agree with the person who said it's blantant that the OP is attracted to her.

Thirded.

OP- how long have you known this person? From a college course I can gather that it has only been a few months, so why get all hung up about it? Move along.

The point is, you are hung up about it because you do wish to get up to no good in her smalls. Go on, admit it.

You either a) accept the fact that she is a fair weather* friend and think nothing more of it or b) get over the fact that you are smitten by her. in this circumstance is more appropriate.

Either way, move on. You have demonstrated by your post that you are capable of doing neither a) nor b) so just forget her.

K-

*I really like that turn of phrase Talliesin. A lot

Untense

The reason I was posted the question was that it was pointed out to me (like I said) that she seems to be using me, it would appear others agree and I was starting to think the same myself

What is she using you for? That's retarded. You're just hurt because she's not on your beck and call.

I can't believe you're making a baddy of her because she doesn't always follow through with plans. Grow a pair.

tbh

if this girl was a bloke, you wouldn't "suggest" breaking off contact, you'd just do it. It does sound like you are hoping for more, talking about "suggesting" breaking off contact sounds like a last roll of the dice. Seriously, just forget her.
it'll make her want you!

Gyalist

I hope you've paid close attention to A Primal Nut's post. He is right on the money. I bet she tells her friends what a "nice guy" you are.

She knows, despite your strong protestations to the contrary, that you'd like something more than just a friendship. She sees you just as a "male girlfriend" so you get all her emotional venting but not the intimacy that you'd like. As the others advised, you need to reduce contact with her to a bare minimum. Be friendly, but less available.

There is a way that you could probably reverse your position but it's quite clear that you aren't at that level yet.