Opinions on this situation

LegacyUser

Hi,

Going unreged for this. I've been seeing my girlfriend (she's from France) for the last 6 months now. Our relationship is brilliant and we love each other very much. She's tried her to best to hold a job down over the last few months but hasn't been doing so well with this.

Anyway the problem is that my family have suddenly seemed to take a distrust to her because of this. My mother constantly warns me to "be careful with her" and "know what I'm getting in to". My brother seems to have a hatred for her when shes not around, but is all smiles to her face when shes with me.

I can't see why this is happening. My girlfriend has doen absolutely nothing wrong to any of them. She's bought them christmas presents, a gift for mothers day and always enjoys coming out to see them. Over the past few weeks I've just avoided bringing her because my family just sicken me by being so blatantly two faced.

Last sunday she went to France for a break to see her parents. I said nothing to anyone here as I'm sick of hearing them criticise every thing she does. Anyway my mother found out after calling her to ask her about something. They know now and just earlier this evening she asked me when shes coming back. I said I don't know but over heard my brother saying "Hopefully never". I'm half tempted to go and kick his teeth in over this comment, its just making me so angry right now.

I'm sick of this situation now and just really don't want to have to constantly defend my girlfriend from all this criticism. What am I to do? I keep thinking that its none of their business what she does, and I don't need to care about what they say. But everytime my mother begins one of her "watch yourself" speeches, I'm getting more and more confused..

Marksie

angrybf07 wrote:

I'm sick of this situation now and just really don't want to have to constantly defend my girlfriend from all this criticism. What am I to do? I keep thinking that its none of their business what she does, and I don't need to care about what they say. But everytime my mother begins one of her "watch yourself" speeches, I'm getting more and more confused..

Have you asked them why they have changed their attitude?

When your brother said that, did you then and there ask him what he meant?

Told them what you have told us?

But it is getting to you OP, despite what you say, or else why would you Post here. Your family have definitely formulated an opinion, try and get to the root cause of where this has come from

seamus

You have to ask them what their problem is.

There's a chance they know something that you don't, and although they try to minimise their mistrust of her around you, there may be something they're not telling you.

Marksie

seamus wrote:

You have to ask them what their problem is.

There's a chance they know something that you don't, and although they try to minimise their mistrust of her around you, there may be something they're not telling you.

Maybe seamus, but the two facedness and the sly passing of comments like "hopefully never" strike me as strange if they know anything as a family, shouldn't they have said it straight away?

But i am guessing there... both sets of advice are essentially the same

seamus

marksuttonie wrote:

shouldn't they have said it straight away?

You would think
Families do strange things though when they get together and conspire...

davyjose

OP, your family need to know that this is a massive disrespect to you. That they are directly causing you a lot of grief. To be honest, they don't sound to great man. Maybe think about moving out (I presume by the way you phrased things, you still live at home, if not ---->) then give them a wide berth until they realise it's you they're hurting. They shouldn't be doing this to you.
It took me a long time to get close to my Brother's girlfriend, but I always respected her, and him, and now we get on great.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I think you need to sit your family down & ask then what is going on. I think it's one of two things.

As a non-Irish woman married to an Irishman who know lots of other non-Irish women in the same situation I think the old "They're just over here stealing our men & taking our jobs" attitude is still, unfortunately, quite prevelant (you may have noticed the large number of Polish jibes to that effect, that are quite common on boards now). It's a mind-set based in ignorance & that breeds a wierd kind of mistrusting zenophobia.

Either that or they see a pattern in her behaviour that you don't see or don't want to see & they resent it. The only way to get to the bottom of the matter is to sit down with an open-mind & hear what they have to say. All the best.

Dun na nGal

I really think that your family must think they know something that you don't. If I were you I would put it to them like this, either tell you what their problem is or respect your choices.If you are told something you don't want to hear, stay calm to get to the bottom of it. You may just have a jealous friend who's tryin to stir trouble but there is obviously something. Sounds like you're a close family who look out for each other and although that's good it can also be a bit claustrophobic. Good Luck-I hope it all works out.

humanji

As the others said, sit your family down and don't ask them what the problem is, demand they tell you!

Another thought as to what the problem is, could be that your mother is just mistrusting someone who might take away her son (as are most mammy's! ). She'd say things when you're not around and your brother latches onto these and has decided that he doesn't like your girlfriend because your mother doesn't. I'd say it's a safe bet that if you ask him to name one thing that's wrong with your girlfriend, he won't be able unless your mother tells him.

Beruthiel

Indeed, it could be as simple as nobody being good enough for Ma's little boy. What if you married this girl and moved to france? Quelle horror!

But as everyone else said, we can't know, just ask what their problem is.
At the end of the day, it's nobody's business but your own who you spend your time with.
You don't mention what age you are, perhaps your Ma thinks you're too young to be so serious about someone?

mad man

It sounds like your Mother and Brothers's jealousy is feeding into each others and creating this situation for.On the other hand be careful,they could have more objectivity than you because they are not emotionally involved and therefore see things you can't or refuse to see in the "apple of your eye".Emotion especially the "love" variety can make people blind to some shocking things.

My own experience with my Brother who was involved in a "love triangle" type situation was that he was to some degree deluding himself.Not that his Girlfriend didn't love him but that she was not reciprocating in some way this other guys overtures. He swore blind that she wasn't and that this guy was just being a nuisance and that he couldn't accept the fact she wan't interested.
Well it turned out she was and left my brother for this other guy with the result being my brother going to pieces for a while.The most remarkable thing about it though was it made me realise that strong emotions almost make a person incapable of seeing reality.I could see the situation objectively because my emotions were not involved.However I remebered a similar situation involving myself and I behaved the exact same way at the time.It was a scary thing to see but worth it.

If I were you I would approach my family but not in a confrontational way.Don't take the "put up,or shut up atitude".Tell them calmy what is on your mind including your Brothers remarks.Ask them to be honest and to tell you why they do not like her.When and if the tell you then think about it.If you can honestly say to yourself it is jealousy or bitciness then tell them they are being unfair and that you are going to keep seeing her.If you are honest with yourself and think their reasons are valid then you have to do what is best and that may be not seeing her.

The Corinthian

Ickle Magoo wrote:

As a non-Irish woman married to an Irishman who know lots of other non-Irish women in the same situation I think the old "They're just over here stealing our men & taking our jobs" attitude is still, unfortunately, quite prevelant (you may have noticed the large number of Polish jibes to that effect, that are quite common on boards now). It's a mind-set based in ignorance & that breeds a wierd kind of mistrusting zenophobia.

In fairness his description does not lend itself to the xenophobic scenario, even though that does happen far too often.

Either that or they see a pattern in her behaviour that you don't see or don't want to see & they resent it. The only way to get to the bottom of the matter is to sit down with an open-mind & hear what they have to say. All the best.

Sounds more likely. If your brother or son is in a relationship with someone who is a bit of a flake – unable to keep down a job, perhaps not terribly interested in working in the first place – and thus likely to end up a burden, then it’s not unreasonable to be concerned and even consider her unsuitable.

The OP loves her and that will often blind one to this and the practical consequences that come with forming a long-term relationship with someone who will essentially always need ongoing support. As Ickle suggests it would be a good idea if the OP views his girlfriend objectively and also from the eyes of his (and apparently her own) family, because if he does not now, he will eventually, when it may be to late to do anything about it.