Girlfriend on the phone, wrecking my head...

LegacyUser

I know long distance relationshis aren't always fun,but the last couple of time talking to my gf on the phone have not been good. It seems like I ring up, and she talks *at* me about her day, and how busy she's been and what she has to do tomorrow.. all about work. I didnt really feel like talking last night, I was just in a chilled out mood and wanted to relax. So after listening to her for 30 minutes I'd had enough, but then she wouldnt let me go and keeps asking me to stay for a few more "little" minutes.. then she continues to keep going on about how the house is empty and she's lonely and misses me, and wants a hug, etc. this is fair enough, but I just felt like telling her to "get a grip" - the girl can't seem to be on her own for a few hours without feeling lonely.. fair enough, at the start of the phone call she'd asked me about my day, but because I didn't really want to talk about work (there are more interesting things in life!) she launched into her own self centered monologue (all her ups and downs, and every now and again asking me "what do you think about that"?). Ok maybe I'm being harsh, but it seems like she is just greedy on the phone, and it's kinda getting to me. We are fine when we meet, and our 1 year releationship has been going fine.. I just hate phone calls and maybe I'm finding out a few things about her personality (like the greediness and self centeredness) that I don't like? And she seems to be getting ever more clingy and needy when we're apart, and seems to miss me an awful lot, and just won't let me off the phone sometimes (and I ring her every night), even though we see each other every weekend.

I love talking to her sometimes, but recently I've had a few cases where I've come off the phone thinking "thanks god that's over", the phone calls are a chore now - surely thats not a positive way to view communication with the one you love?

I should add that we have wonderful weekends, but during the week it's not easy and the phone calls make it worse...:(

cornbb

You're not alone. Its a guy/girl conflict in general I think. I don't mean this in a derogatory way or anything, its just that girls like to talk, get things off their chest about things that might seem trivial to guys. Same thing happens when I ring my mom. It might seem like a pain in the ass for you to be listening to that but I'm sure that, for her, its a theraputic thing that she appreciates and not necessarily a sign that she's self centred.

As for tips on how you can cope with it, I dunno, its a tricky one. Its not like you can cut her short or refuse to ring her. Maybe just bite the bullet, take it as a sign that she misses you and likes to confide in you, and try to live with it.

BoozyBabe

Do you really HAVE to talk EVERY night?
Seems strange.

Self & bf are not in a long distance relationship, but more often than not we only see each other Fri night, sat night & sun.
Maybe every so often for 2 hours on a Wed also.

Every day one of us will send a text at lunch & the other will reply. When we go home a few texts will go forwards & backwards (as in a max of 3 each)

I couldn't be happier with our relationship & tbh, if I'd to talk on a phone to him every eve, I'd have no idea what to say.

She is sounding a bit clingy, which is fine if you don't mind that. But the fact is:- it's making you have negative feelings towards her, so i think it is a problem.

Is she living away from her family as well as you? Like is she with strangers basically all week? could help explain why she feels lonely.

Aura

Having done the long distance thing before I can appreciate how it can difficult to strike a happy medium in terms of contact but it can be done and that is what the two of you are going to have to sit down and discuss in person. I'm not suggesting a stringent time-table but establishing some sort of loose arrangement about when or how often you chat can give both parties something to look forward to! Quick catch up calls or thinking of you calls/texts do not have to drag out into massive phone sessions everytime. Explain to her that you value one to one conversation more and just are not the type of person who likes to spend un-ending hours on the phone. It can be difficult to adjust to LDR's and some people crave more contact than others so try and meet her halfway but if you both value each other enough to want to keep things going despite geographical distance there's no reason why you both can't step outside your individual comfort zones and come to some more reasonable agreement. Just takes some discussion, and in person would be best.

LegacyUser

My girlfriend is finishing college in europe, i speak to her during the day via few texts. Then maybe twice or three times a week i'll ring her. That suits us both down to the ground and we only see each other when she gets a mid term.

Id be just as annoyed in your position, seeing her every weekend yet she wants to speak on the phone every night for an hour? Yikes!

ILMF

get used to it, pal. the wimmin are here to wreck our heads. 14 years married.
who's paying for the phone calls?

Poppy84

Hey,

I have definitly been here. I just have to tell you to keep on ething in mind, if you love this girl and want to be with her then remember, she misses you!
I know the telephone conversations are hard for you some times believe me my fella would say the same about when we were in that situation but we talked about it and made extra effort

When you are togehter or get to see each other a couple of times a week theres no pressure on the relationship but due to the distance thing and not seeing each other things get harder as the physical side is gone from the relationship so all emphasis is put on the conversation.
I think she is draggin out the conversation to fill that part of her that is missing you, also to feel included in your life. Its very hard to be apart and feel you dont know whats going on in your fellas life.

So heres my advice, send her the odd out of the blue text to say thinking of you, love you , whatever it may be - this will help her through this she'll feel more wanted and less needy on the phone.
Suprise her with visits, hand written letters posted to her. Little things that show you care, this will make her day/month year and score you brownie points as well as hopefully easing her need to keep you on the phone

The hardest thing about a long distance relationship is not feeling you are part of your partners life. To you this sounds like too much hard work but the work has to be put in to keep the two of ye together and the two of ye sane.

i dont think she is greedy i think she is trying to fulfil that feeling of missing you by keeping you on the phone longer talkin about nonsense

I hope you keep this in mind and the two of ye take steps to keep your relationship together. I have been there so I understand from both perspectives.

I also do think it is worth you nicely tell her that you are tired some nites and not up for a huge conversation but you will call her tomorrow and you love her.

Its tough and can be testing but if you want to be with her that little extra effort has to go in to your relationship....thats the nature of long distance

ILMF

Poppy, thats all well and good if we're trying to femanize the OP.
Men generally don't like talking on the phone. No problems here. OP, if ya don't feel like talking, don't pick up the phone! You're not at her beckon call. Have some quihones, and tell her where its at, man!

Cancer-chick

I think ill have to agree with Poster who said that its a male/female difference.

BF and i came to agreement that we wil keep phone conversations brief and only when necessary as it was getting to the point where we were fighting over me thinking he was bored talking when really he just hates talking on the phone and is happy to chat away in person..

Have heard of this so many times over the years.. My advice is to explain your position.. My BF did and i was fine once he did. I think its a difference most women would have exp of anyway..

McGinty

Op I know how you feel, however it is not just a guy/gal thing, I am a woman, maybe slighty weird at times, I hate the phone, it is ideal for business et el, but that is it, for some reason life is perverse, because I attract men that like talking on the phone every night, and i don't like it. I wasn't straight with my ex (some years ago) but I should have said I love you, you are great but don't ring me every night. I mean all those things but being tied to a phone every night wrecks anyone's head, hence the anoyance, so ask your girlfriend to ring occasionally, I promise you won't resent her.

Ickle Magoo

If you see each other every weekend why not suggest you can drop the phonecalls altogether? 5 days is hardly a lifetime & then you wouldn't have to listen to all the daily drudgery. Either that or say you can talk for 30mins on Tues & Thurs nights & she can call you Thurs?

I couldn't call anyone I know every night without it wrecking my head so I don't think you are being irrational at all. Why are you doing all the calling anyway? It would especially annoy me having to listen to someone elses diatribe while knowing I was footing the bill as an added bonus! Explain how you feel & that your hatred of long calls doesn't in any way detract from how much you love her. If she loves you I can't see why she would have an issue with that, if she does then she is being overly clingy. Best of luck.

iguana

Op, you sound like my husband did in the first 8 months of our relationship, especially toward the end of the long distance part. I'd suggest at the start of the conversation mentioning some tv programme that is on in the next 15/20/30 minutes that you are looking forward to watching. That way she has a clear time-frame to talk, but without feeling that you want rid of her. Then maybe 10 minutes after you hang up send her a nice text message. That way she feels happy and that you are thinking of her.

I know it might seem dishonest but LDR's can make people insecure and unreasonable and tbh, I'm not sure how well "I just don't like talking on the phone" will be taken. To me that said I don't care that much about you and it made me even more clingy the next day. "I'm following a tv show and can't bear to wait for the next installment" went down so much better with me though I'm a huge geek. Looking back I'm pretty sure my husband faked an interest in the first season of 24, as he was working when they aired the last episode of it and I taped it for him but he never watched it claiming he had lost interest though he had hustled me off the phone right up to hour 23.

You've been doing this for a year and that is a bloody long time. In fact I can't think of any adult couple I know (apart from my brother and his gf who are living in different countries) who weren't either living together or engaged (or both) within a year. Yet you two are stuck in a situation where there is nowhere to move the relationship forward to. Is there and end to the distance in sight? Because if there isn't that could be making things worse. Is your girlfriend seeing her friends start to move on in their relationships while yours is on hold? Maybe next time you are actually together you should have a talk about where things are going and that may re-assure her.

iguana

iguana wrote:

Op, you sound like my husband did in the first 8 months of our relationship, especially toward the end of the long distance part. I'd suggest at the start of the conversation mentioning some tv programme that is on in the next 15/20/30 minutes that you are looking forward to watching. That way she has a clear time-frame to talk, but without feeling that you want rid of her. Then maybe 10 minutes after you hang up send her a nice text message. That way she feels happy and that you are thinking of her.

I know it might seem dishonest but LDR's can make people insecure and unreasonable and tbh, I'm not sure how well "I just don't like talking on the phone" will be taken. To me that said I don't care that much about you and it made me even more clingy the next day. "I'm following a tv show and can't bear to wait for the next installment" went down so much better with me though I'm a huge geek.
You've been doing this for a year and that is a bloody long time. In fact I can't think of any adult couple I know (apart from my brother and his gf who are living in different countries) who weren't either living together or engaged (or both) within a year. Yet you two are stuck in a situation where there is nowhere to move the relationship forward to. Is there and end to the distance in sight? Because if there isn't that could be making things worse. Is your girlfriend seeing her friends start to move on in their relationships while yours is on hold? Maybe next time you are actually together you should have a talk about where things are going and that may re-assure her.

Excelent advice!

Looking back I'm pretty sure my husband faked an interest in the first season of 24, as he was working when they aired the last episode of it and I taped it for him but he never watched it claiming he had lost interest though he had hustled me off the phone right up to hour 23.

Nah he was hurrying you up so he could go back to posting on politics-we fixed that for you though and now ye are a happily married couple

LegacyUser

I'm in a long-distance relationship and I see my boyfriend most weekends or every second weekend. We're going out almost 2 years, and we were good friends for a number of years prior to going out.

We speak on the phone everynight, and he gets sick of hearing me talking about work...and he tells me! So I try to stop. I do have other people to talk to about it, but I like sharing what's bothering me with him. Similarly I like sharing the good stuff too. If you've been going out with her for a year, you must be able to tell her (in a gentle way) that you don't want to hear about work all the time!

We have plenty to talk about besides work too, and i'm sure you do too. Maybe she feels that you aren't responding so she keeps talking to fill the gaps. You say there are more interesting things than work out there, so why don't you just say enough about work for tonight, lets talk about....

Long-distance relationships are different to just seeing your boyfriend at the weekend, because you KNOW you can't see him even if you want to. So it's a lot easier to start feeling lonely. But it sounds like she's just hoping she'll hear you say you miss her or something like that in return cos she isn't getting much feedback from you. My boyfriend often tells me he misses me.