Unreliable dad

LegacyUser

Hi, apologies for the long post
I have a very frustrating situation and i don't know how to resolve it. I am divorced from my ex. We have a 9 year old daughter. He lives with his partner and her 2 children and they are soon expecting a child of their own.
All the children get on well together and my daughter enjoys being in their house.
My problem is that he is very inflexible when it comes to spending time with her. He sees her twice a week for about 2 hours in the evening and takes her overnight one night on the weekend.
In early days when he was single, the weekend night was a movable feast according to his social life. He wouldn't commit to a regular or reliable rountine.
This arrangment settled when he met his partner, leaving them a free day together when I had our daughter and her kids were with their dad.
My daughter doesn't get any one on one time with her dad. In addition to this, he is reluctant to take her on any night when his partners children aren't there, because its the only chance they get time alone.
This situation is causing me serious stress, as now I have a partner of my own, I would like some "child free" time with him (he has children too).
My ex is absolutley refusing point blank to help out. Going so far as to agreeing a time when i can drop her off (then cancelling within a couple of hours to a later time).
The latest problem happened tonight, when despite agreeing earlier in the week that he would take our daughter on the Sun/Mon of the bank holiday weekend, he had changed his mind and wanted to take her on the Fri/Sat instead (so they could have time to themselves).
He refuses to discuss anything rationally. His answer is always "tough" and he walks away from the house, or tells me to sort something else out.
Because my daughter lives with me, I am responsible for sorting it out.
Mediation is not an option because i know from previous experience he will refuse to go. I can't make him spend time with her, and ultimately he makes me feel like a selfish parent who wants to "dump" my daughter so I can go out on the tear. But I feel I am entitled to have a relationship with adult only time too. It causes unending rearranging of my plans and time, and constant stress.
Any advice? Thanks.

metrovelvet

I've never been in a situation like yours but I do have incredibly unreliable and flakey friends and family and this is what I do with them.

I let them make plans, but always consider them "soft" meaning that because they have absolutely no credibility I will make other plans also and if the flakey person DOESNT flake out I tell them that ive made other plans, and then when they act horrified I explain to them that they always back out so how am I supposed to know?

He's not reliable so dont rely on him. Its not fair and he's not being respectful, but you cant change people like this. I would absolutely NOT coordinate anything around him, let him work around you. You make the plans you want and then let him choose around times that wont compromise you -whether or not he chooses to show up or doesnt.

However, I dont have a daughter whose dissappointment I have to manage. And on that wouldnt know what to say.

Beruthiel

metrovelvet wrote:

He's not reliable so dont rely on him. Its not fair and he's not being respectful, but you cant change people like this. I would absolutely NOT coordinate anything around him, let him work around you. You make the plans you want and then let him choose around times that wont compromise you -whether or not he chooses to show up or doesnt.

Metro is totally correct.
The arrangement myself and my ex had was clear cut.
He picked her up at a certain time and dropped her off at a certain time.
If either of our plans changed we would call each other and come to an agreement which suited us both. (Difference there of course is we actually made an effort to help each other out) This rarely happened and we usually stuck to our arranged times.

Make a stand, offer him to pick certain times for the future, ie - from now on he takes her on a sat or whatever and that's it, no changing it, ever.
If he refuses to pick a day, pick one for him. Tell him he can take her sat and if that doesn't suit him, he just doesn't get to see her that weekend, end of. Tell him that if he needs to change a pre arranged time you need a days notice.
This way you can plan your life as you see fit without having it changed by such a selfish, thoughtless man at the drop of a hat.
You can still spend time with your fella, there are babysitters to be found in your street I'm betting.

Cancer-chick

OP I have equal custody with my ex (I gave this willingly as i felt he had the rights to enjoy same relationship i had with her) and i can tell you that even legally it means nothing.. She is living with us and 'staying' with him when it 'suits' .

You cant make him see his child when suits you, But What you can do is tell him that you have a life and that if he does not agree to say, a pre agreed weekend nite (hols etc excluded) that you cant keep trying to faciliate it. As Beruthiel said, There are lots of older teenagers or mothers in your park in same situation if you get talking to them (This worked well for me as if im stuck my neighbour takes mine and vice versa ..she in same situation) if you give your little one enough time to get used to someone and you trust them this should work v v well for you.

You also need to bear in mind that your child is not getting any benefit from this .. the poor thing is no doubt aware of all the hassle surrounding her, and while you are completely and utterly entitled to your own life and free time, at the end of the day your smallie does not need his disruptive and selfish behaviour impacting on her .. which it will.

You need to have a serious chat with him, if no joy from that you need to make alternate arrangements and do your own thing without depending on someone so unreliable.

I feel for you..

jrey1981

Looking at it from your daughter's perspective (as the child of divorced parents) if your ex is going to be like this, for your daughter's sake it'd be better to cut all contact with her dad all together.

Sorry to be blunt but as the above poster said, she'll be aware of what's happening and she might very well end up emotionally damaged by it. It's doing her no good at all.

You'd be better off seeing if she can stay with grandparents or other relatives.

You're welcome to pm me for info as to my own experiences.