Another break-up...but kinda different.

LegacyUser

Never thought I'd be on here looking for complete stranger's opinions on something but here goes...(it's kind of long so be warned!)

My girlfriend of the last 5 months broke up with me just over a fortnight ago, and while we were going through some issues it was a bit sudden in the end. For a bunch of reasons (mainly each of us were going through a lot of stuff professionally & personally at the time) , things hadn't been going great for about a month and the week previous we'd had a chat and I'd said I was up for working through it. Honestly though I wasn't sure how much longer we had left and I had kept her at arms length since day one as due to the nature of her work there was always the chance that she might have to leave the country. But I thought it was worth a shot especially as we'd decided we needed to get back to going on dates and doing fun things again.

I don't really want to get into the specifics of it but she was going through some personal issues for a while and she told me that this might affect us, not to worry if she was down cos it was nothing I'd done.

So when the break-up came, it was a relief but like I said a bit sudden...everything was very final, there was no real discussion and when I asked did she want to talk more about it that "we had just dated and it's no-one's fault that it's over". But it seems that despite some of her words and actions in the week after our talk that I was one of the reasons why she was upset. Also the differences between us and the way I acted at times were quoted as reasons. I could understand all this and looking back it was pretty true.

But while I'd had my doubts I had committed to at least giving it a decent shot and so was a bit annoyed. However I did know that if things had continued the way that they had been going that it was the right thing to do, so while break-ups are always kinda sad I wasn't in love with her & didn't know how much of a future we had anyway so I wasn't heartbroken or anything.

Open & shut case so far...a bit of fun that wasn't really going anywhere. It wasn't a messy break-up & didn't think "I must get her back, I miss her, we're destined to be together..." like I said things had gotten to the stage where the break up was a relief and the next stage would have been us starting to resent each other.

BUT, over the course of the weekend where we broke up I had spent a lot of time just on my own thinking, contemplating what was happening as there was definitely a coldness about her which seemed to come about overnight...literally. The night before we broke up I was just thinking about things and I went deep, really fcuking DEEP...might have brought on by a type of fungi I consumed...ahem!

I realised I had been carrying a lot of stuff and almost intentionally being negative about certain things and almost wearing that as a mask...I'd become known as an aggressive person and that was a role I'd grown into. I know this sounds really corny & cliched but the stuff that was going on between us made me confront a lot of things really deep down and by the end I'd worked through a lot of those things,big things. Pretty much accepted and let go of a lot of stuff... a re-awakening of sorts. And for the first time in a long time (longer than I had been going out with that girl) I was happy, at peace with the world. Just walking around I noticed, for the first time in a long time, just how really great the world is. Even small things...I don't know how to describe it but it was like a spiritual experience.

But the sick & twisted thing is that by the end of that "experience" I realised a lot the way I was re-acting to things was kinda bulls!t and not the person I was and I would've been happier & would've felt more comfortable if things had gone down differently...I was being a bit too aggressive & confrontational at times! And that (you have to laugh at the irony of this) amongst all the people I know, one of those people whom I was quite like in many ways was...have a guess!!!! For different reasons I'd almost bought totally into the hard-edged, cold, dark, confrontational side of things (the profession which I'm in would be reknowned as being cold, and very stressful & competitive) and that's not me...yeah I can do it but I can also see out of one eye, doesn't mean I want someone to cut the other one out! I rather keep both thanks!

So like I said accepting that means it's all gotten very strange for me. Things have changed in work, I don't see someone getting on my case as an attack on my ego or something I need to get wound up about. I've more patience with people generally, homeless people ain't a pain asking for change, I may not give them any but I do have more empathy and understanding for them. The world can be a pretty hostile place but it's also pretty cool and nice. So while I'm feeling really good, I can't say that I've not thought that those things in my attitude which have changed are those things which drove her away from me so completely.

I know deep down that this is a genuine change and not some coincidence I've created. I'm not frightened of being alone & I've not forgotten about her flaws but I do miss her and would even like to hang out with her again and also be there to help her get through some stuff she's going through at the moment.

So (after this monster post!) I'm just throwing it out to the floor...

Crea

Who's to say that she won't drag you back to where you were before.
Move on, stay being positive, stop wanting to "fix" her.

AnonoBoy

Take your new-found self-awareness and move on.

It's over with her, she won't want you trying to 'help her'. She'll only see it as you trying to get back with her.

Move on and find someone new.