Minder issue

LegacyUser

Having a problem with my childminder, I also think my child (school 1st timer) is also going through a rough time at school due to a number of actions taken by childminder.

Background.

The child was always top of the class and enjoyed - loved school, ran up to it on the first day, was invited to loads of birthday parties, important at this stage.

At childs birthday at the start of the year we had 17 other children at party, a lot of generous gifts were purchased and it was great to see them all together. All good you say.

Issue.

She (a mother of two young childers) started minding a number of months before Christmas, collecting from school at home time etc. Her and sibblings have what I thought was a very good relationship with my child, is really good and caters for child very well. However since she began minding there have been no invitations to other children’s parties, my wife has been getting a LOT of dirty "cheap" looks from other parents for reasons we couldn’t understand, (we are very social people) our child is getting bullied by a particular child - this has been resolved by school, however the childs teacher asked how come we dont "Allow" our child to attend parties, we were very shocked (deep down something clicked, sunk in), The teacher said she personally placed invitations in childs bag.

We were both a bit concerned about how close the childminder had become to us as a family and to our child, bringing child places we specifically said no to, texting us in the evening, at weekends requesting meetups. Attending social events at the same time as us and being a bit "in your face". We put it down to just her social thing, nothing really, but made her know it was out of order. She has a child a year younger than ours (same sex) and sort of models them on our child, nothing wrong with that i guess, but its got to the stage where she thinks/wants our child to have no other friends other than hers, hence the invitations to parties have been going missing, and at this stage of school, we are really do not know what to do. It could be why our child was being bullied etc.

How do we resolve this, I'm reluctant to change minder as i think this person is very good with our child, but they have become obsessed and its quite a dangerous situation to be in. My child has become a victim of affection and we as a family have come out looking the worst at the end of it all.

Worried-dad

Beruthiel

OP
Would you not think of registering so I can move this to the Parenting forum? You'll get more answers there.

Nothing quite as scarey as a person who has no clue of the invisible social boundries.

We put it down to just her social thing, nothing really, but made her know it was out of order

And what was the response to that?

hence the invitations to parties have been going missing

She's getting rid of them before you see them?
Now, ok, she maybe good with your child, but she sounds like a bunny boiler and bunny boilers can be quite nice till you cross them.

If it were my child and I found the person odd to the point I couldn't take it, then I wouldn't give a toss whither I insulted the woman or not, my child would be taken away from that environment as she is the most important thing in my life. Family first, everyone else a distant second in this case.

Cancer-chick

OP I have already had a bad experience with my childminder and after doing my groundwork managed to get rid of her and now have a brilliant woman who i consider a friend

The bottom line is if you have doubts you need to broach them with her. This is your child we are talking about. You need to act for them. If you feel there is no resoloution you need to reconsider her position. You could also take the alternative route and get a sim card with a no she wont recognise and put adverts up locally to see if any mums would be interested. I got my CM thru this as she does school run too and she has been a godsend.

Obv this woman sounds like she has issues.Your child sounded like a happy go lucky normal kid before this. If the teacher is mentioning it to you then it is really time to act. They have enough adjusting to do without that..

If you want PM me and ill give yu some tips re looking for a good CM

Let us know how u go ..

jubi lee

i would seriously start looking for a new childminder.... this isn't healthy for your child.... he or she will start to lose friends as they are not being involved with the other kids in school etc.

the childminder clearly has no boundaries which is resulting in the evening texts and asking to meet up etc.

the thing that worries me the most if the party invitations going missing etc... something is glaringly obviously wrong there.

there are plenty of other loving caring childminders out there!

The Sweeper

Childcare is expensive and good people are hard to find - but remember, your child, as they grow up, will have a lot of different experiences, positive and negative.

This is the only one you have a choice about. Ditch your child minder, she's way overstepped the boundaries.

LegacyUser

Look for a new child minder. When i was growing up I had to have a minder after school. I had a lovely one, like a member of the family and myself and my brother were treated like family, loved it there, it really was like another home. However, for various reasons we had to change minder. Didn't like the new one at all. Neither myself nor my brother liked it and we were both unhappy with the arrangement. It effected the both of us in and out of school, it really wasn't a nice time for us. Fortunately, we were able to return to our previous minder, and things got back to normal for us. A few years later we had to change minder again, which turned out fine, but that first change was a horrible experience, and i am thankful my mum and dad, and grandparents reacted to the situation and moved us.

Marksie

Worried-dad wrote:

I'm reluctant to change minder as i think this person is very good with our child, but they have become obsessed and its quite a dangerous situation to be in. My child has become a victim of affection and we as a family have come out looking the worst at the end of it all.

Worried-dad

From your post it seems much more than that. My first thought was Oh! its "single white toddler"
Being very good with The child? In the end she is a minder and should have a professional approach the boundaries appear to have blurred. Obsessing , excess affection do not appear to be signs of a good childminder. The texting, the meeting, the specific ignoring of instructions, child being bullied... that isn't good and who on earth removes party invites. it is a very strange deinition of good.

The most important person here is the child, so the best and simplest course is to get another childminder ASAP.


MAJD made a very very important point. You have to consider how your child will be affected as they grow up.

LegacyUser

From what you guys are saying "bunnie boiler" and "single white female" is exactly how my wife and I reacted, I just wanted to get another angle on the situation.

When we raised the distance thing it seemed to work out and she did get the message, obviously as she didn’t want to jeopardise her job. Things have gotten slightly better in that regard, but the invitation thing has come to light now and things have stacked up against her again.

I'm off on two weeks leave over the easter holidays, so this is the perfect time to make a change.

thanks all.

spinandscribble

shes clearly not doing her job and her own interests are being served. she didnt want you to know of the invites as she didnt want to have to bring him to these parties where im guessing her son couldnt tag along.

The_B_Man

so ur kid was bein bullied, got an invite to a party, probably thought the bully would be there so got rid of the invitation themself, is that possible?

if the kid is feelin down and intimidated by classmates, theres no way they'd wanan go to a place outside of school where they'll all be there.

LegacyUser

Child is very social, so no reason not to go to a party, child is a party animal! I may have misinterpreted the bullying, it was identified as one other child in the class, who had been bullying everyone else, and on a number of occasions had singled out my child, and physically attacked them, this was getting them down, as the bully was telling everyone else not to play with mine, school have dealt with this now...

Don’t forget these are 5 year olds we are talking about, its soul destroying to think about the hard time my child has had and social exclusion that he has had to experience.

Slutmonkey57b

Dont pussyfoot around, ditch the childminder IMMEDIATELY.
If I found she was taking my child somewhere she had specifically been told not to take him, she'd be fired. You issued an instruction, she ignored it, end of story. Goodbye.

Miss Judy

Get rid of her. That's so weird what she has been doing, are you sure?, was everything okay before this was revealed, did you like her and feel happy with her minding your child?. Did you or your wife have any inkling that all was not as it seems?. Did nothing make either of you suspicious of her?
Your child is number 1 here and you need to strive to protect him from a woman who seems to be not very well upstairs. Hiding the invites is, well I just cannot out it into words.
I feel for you & your family, you have to get your child away from someone that is capable of doing that at the same time you have to find another childminder, how are you going to do that? and how do you know your child will be happy?. What a horrible start for an innocent little 5 year old.:(

Sleepy

Just to get another frame on things. Have you talked to your son? It might help if you asked him about the party invites. At 5 years of age it'll be very easy to tell if he's fibbing when asked about it.

My reaction would still be to get a new child minder though.