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  • 25-03-2007 10:06pm
    #1
    OliverTheLithe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11 ✭


    Up Down
    Up Down
    Up Down
    Up Down
    Up Down
    Up Down
    Up Down
    Up Down
    TERROR
    Up Down
    GUILT
    Up Down
    so so alone


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    #2
    Blush_01
    Registered Users Posts: 5,016 ✭✭✭Blush_01


    IMHO: Sorry Oliver, I just don't feel the terror or guilt. I know it's there because you tell me it is, but other than that, I'm not getting it. That said, you have a very strong foundation there on which to stretch those emotions.

    I do like how mechanical the Up Down seems to be. However, I wonder if there shouldn't be something more graphic if you want the reader to engage with the victim/attacker.

    It just seems a bit too detached and not connected enough or something for me. That's not to say the poem itself isn't constructed well, but rather that it seems very detached from its subject matter. I need a little gore or my heartstrings tugged by a vocal exchange or something.


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    #3
    OliverTheLithe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11 ✭OliverTheLithe


    hey thats cool, thanks for the feedback


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