Vunerable Sister in Law

LegacyUser

My fiances lil sis had a baby 18 months ago. She was only 16 and got a hard time from all her family (except us) all thru pregnancy and still is.
We were out for a drink last weekend and she confided in me that the babies dad had beat her on many occasions.

They are no longer together but the baby goes to stay with him and his parents every weekend. I told her never to go near him again and not to let the baby go up there as he would be at risk too.

She gets no help at home all week and when the baby goes to his dad it is the only time she has to herself and therefore doesnt want to stop this.

My fiance and her other brother hate this guy already and have threatned to get him slapped around many times due to the fact that he has never given her a penny towards the baby. If they knew about the abuse the would kill him!!!

I cant offer to take the baby at weekends as I have my own kids, and the poor girl does need a break but I cant rest easy knowing he is going up to a man who hits women , Im so worried the baby could be getting abused too and he doesnt talk yet so wouldnt be able to tell anyone

I know if I told my fiance the guy would be dead meat but I have my own family to think about and dont want my kids dad getting arrested or anything. What can I do?

Dont think her parents would be too helpful either they are glad to have peace at the weekends too, and she told me before her mam had seen her with split lips and black eyes and said nothing.

The poor girl is only 18 and deserves better than this, how can I make her see????

Kell

Concerned24 wrote:

We were out for a drink last weekend and she confided in me that the babies dad had beat her on many occasions.

They are no longer together but the baby goes to stay with him and his parents every weekend.

She gets no help at home all week and when the baby goes to his dad it is the only time she has to herself and therefore doesnt want to stop this.

Dont think her parents would be too helpful either they are glad to have peace at the weekends too, and she told me before her mam had seen her with split lips and black eyes and said nothing.

The poor girl is only 18 and deserves better than this, how can I make her see????

Um, I dont understand exactly what it is you are asking. You have made multiple statements, and have asked us to help her "see" but see what exactly?

She no longer see's the dad. Great.
She doesnt get any help midweek. Really shít.
She gets weekends off. Happy days.

Can you tell us what you are asking for as I cant see it from your post.

K-

LegacyUser

I want her to see that its not ok for a man to beat her, he still does sometimes.

I want her to see the risk she is putting her child at by leaving him with a violent man. I cant seem to get through to her

seamus

If he's still actually hitting her, then she needs to have him charged with assault.

If he's not paying money, then she needs to cut him off from the child.

This is not something you should know and keep hidden from your fianceé. She's his sister, and although you have information which makes you concerned, you should really hand it off to her family and let them deal with it, even if you are almost part of that family.

At the end of the day, you're not the person to convince her of any of this. Interfering in the life of an in-law is never anything a person should do.

BoozyBabe

But what other choice does she have?

You've said already that NO ONE including youself is offering her any help with the child (for whatever reason)

She's 18! If she doesn't get a little bit of time to herself, she'd crack up, & what good would that be for the child.

So, the dad has beat her. Very wrong of course, but no one has any proof that he'd ever abuse the child. Plus you've said the dads mum is also there, so chances are the child is in very good hands.

You can't keep harping at her that she can't leave the child there, but offer no alternatives.

& she obviously knows it's not ok for a man to hit her:- she's not dating him anymore.
Unfortunately due to having a child together, she can't avoid him completely.

& as for him not paying towards the childs upbringing, can't she take him to court for that?

Of course it's easy to see your heart is in the right place & you want to best for her & her baby, but if the only way for her to get time to herself is to give the baby to it's dad, & you in your advice to her can't offer alternatives, then what choice does she have?

LegacyUser

I’m sure she knows already that it’s not ok for this guy to beat her but if she is seeing him and his family as her only way to have a break at the weekend then maybe she is willing to put up with it. Personally I wouldn’t and obviously you wouldn’t either but then again neither of us are in the situation.

Also, have you any proof that he has hurt the baby; he may not and may never do although again I wouldn’t take the risk.

Is there any possibility that her family would help as in have some sort of a rota that would help her out at the weekends. I know you said that her family are giving her a hard time about the baby but I’m sure if they thought that he\she was in danger that they would try to help.

I agree with Seamus that she needs to have him charged with assault.

Apart from this you can’t do anything except be there for her when she needs you.

Kell

Concerned24 wrote:

I want her to see that its not ok for a man to beat her, he still does sometimes.

I want her to see the risk she is putting her child at by leaving him with a violent man. I cant seem to get through to her

Ok. Stood under. One the first point, as per Séamus, she has to report this behaviour if she wants it to stop. She'll be a better person for it too and not just for ending the assaults.

As everyone has said, there is nothing to suggest that he will hurt the child. You cant approach the Gardai and say "he beat me so I think he will beat the child". Sadly, you have to wait until he does, then do something about it in retrospect.

As someone else said, all you can do is be there for her when she needs you. You cant go to the cops direct as the complaint has to come from the victim, unless the victim is a child, which she is not.

Lastly, and no one shoot me for this please, has she considered the option of giving up the baby for adoption? Its not abandoning her child, it is accepting that she is in way over her head with no support from the father or her family (who sound like cúnts, bar your BF). I can only imagine how emotionally tortuous it is to give up a child for adoption, but she might consider it.

Best wishes.

K-

NextSteps

Concerned24 wrote:

My fiance and her other brother hate this guy already and have threatned to get him slapped around many times due to the fact that he has never given her a penny towards the baby. If they knew about the abuse the would kill him!!!
...
I know if I told my fiance the guy would be dead meat but I have my own family to think about and dont want my kids dad getting arrested or anything. What can I do?

Do you really mean this?

daiixi

Unreg2007 wrote:

I’m sure she knows already that it’s not ok for this guy to beat her but if she is seeing him and his family as her only way to have a break at the weekend then maybe she is willing to put up with it. Personally I wouldn’t and obviously you wouldn’t either but then again neither of us are in the situation.

Yet you're with a man who you say, if he knew about his sister's ex-boyfriend beating her, would "kill" the ex-boyfriend and probably end up in jail. Fabulous.

Honestly if you can't offer the girl a viable alternative what do you expect her to do?

limklad

I am going through the points so far.
If her family abused her (emotionally and verbally therefore No trust) -They too are been aggressive -therfore NO SUPPORT BUT MORE ABUSE
If they did not care for her during her time of need, they are not going to support her now, with the exception of OP boyfriend.

The Father of the child abused (Assault) her (mother of the child). AGAIN NO SUPPORT AGAIN AND MORE ABUSE and he showed how much a COWARD he is by beating her.

Then, Who do you think should help her then?
She (the baby mother) Confided with OP, therefore she has taken the first steps for help.

She (the baby mother) needs support to stand up to the father of her child.
OP you never mentioned about the character of the baby father parents. She drops the kid at his parents house, then that might be the key to the problems. I have heard of this working before.

Go to the baby father parents house without the baby and Tell them what is happening and that she fears for the baby safety. They are not going to want to lose their grandchild, they may take two sides 1/. Be aggressive, therefore you have the right to keep the baby away from them on safety grounds or 2/. that they will be a lot more supportive and challenge their son behavior.

Yes, he maybe a dead beat father, but keeping the child away will only affects the child long term. And under no circumstances should he be near the child "Unsupervised". If he is abusing the mother (who he sees at weak) the baby will grow up and make mistakes (all children do) and he will abuse the child too, because the child is defenseless.

Catari Jaguar

Get some legal advice or go to a womens refuge or single parent group for help

Victor

Lil Kitten wrote:

Get some legal advice or go to a womens refuge or single parent group for help

Agreed, go to them / phone them by yourself and see what advice they have. Perhaps I am stereotyping, but someone who abuses adults, will abuse children aswell.

Could you do and (ir)regular day together, where it isn't so much a break as a change, do things together? Even if it means having X kids being dragged along.

limklad

Lil Kitten wrote:

Get some legal advice or go to a womens refuge or single parent group for help

I agreed too, this method (women refuge) for they know the best way to deal with her situation. They would have seen this before.

Victor wrote:

Perhaps I am stereotyping, but someone who abuses adults, will abuse children aswell.

Not all abusive adults (physically) abuse children, but there is a high risk , when the child gets older, if people do not challenge him.