Is this a 'normal' healthy state of mind?

LegacyUser

What's your reflex thoughts when you read this?
(I'm not describing myself, so feel free to be honest)
It's a friend of mine, & I'm concerned, but wondering if I should be.

Male
Single
mid 30's
Intelligent
Well paid, professional job
Rents for work, lives at home at weekends:- doesn't own property
very little savings, nothing to show for expenditure
Drinks most nights at home on his own
Social life is almost zero. Rarely goes out
Doesn't mix with work colleagues
Life exists of getting up, going to work, coming home, eating, drinking, going on net to chat up strangers & to watch & download porn. (& make use of the porn)
Has 1000's of porn pics on PC (legal)
Does this til late at night, goes to bed drunk or tipsy, repeat.
Weekends:- bums around parents house & chats on net, porn etc.

suffers from depression (very long term), but won't seek help.
In a rut, but doesn't seem to want to get out of it, or at least make an effort to get out of it.

Is lonely, but won't make an effort to go meet people, as too busy chatting (flirting, cyber sex) to strangers on net. Also very shy when he does meet people & doesn't know what to say, so appears awkward & he feels awkward, so avoids the situation if it can be helped.

Has no hobbies whatsoever, & doesn't want any either. Likes to read, but again this is something he does locked away from everyone else

Long term friends are all married with kids & have their own lives to live so aren't really available for much socialising anymore, which adds to his isolation.



TBH, I'm not in a position to help this person, but is this a normal state to be in, or am I right to be sad about this?

Elessar

Normal is subjective. He may consider that normal. Has he told you he doesn't like his life?

A lot of people are going to say that's not normal, because social constructs are marriage/kids/mortgage/car in your thirties. But that's like saying gay people are not normal.

You have to be careful. Everyone is different.

Trinity

Have you asked him was he happy?

Some people are just loners. The drinking every night may be of some concern. Again you would have to ask him.

He holds down a job thats a good start, not owning property is not really a big deal at his age, he may not want the responsibilty just yet.

If you dont mind me asking, if you are not in a position to help him, what do you intend to do with our opinions? Will you confront him?

Sounds like his friends dont make much time for him, that may be a start to get him out of his rut, surely one night a week/fortnight for a lads night out is not too much to ask for a friend in trouble. If he doesnt want to go no-one has anything to feel guilty about, its his decision, once he has an actual option.

tbh

If I'm reading the post as I think you mean it, OP, I think this is a topic for humanities - and a good one too, I might add. I think you're asking "should people expect more from life than this, or maybe this guy is happy and I just can't see why"

I can understand you being sad - I feel sad too when I read it - but Elessar makes a good point - happiness is subjective, he could be perfectly happy.
I had a couple of friends that were like that, and I was always torn between wanting to mind my own business, and wanting to help them see that's there more to life than what they had (very similar to your mate). In the end I realised that not everybody wants the same things I do, and things are important to me are completely and utterly unimportant to lots of people. I still know all those people now, and they all seem to be happy. I think the best you can do is just let them know that if they need someone, they can count on you.

talkingclock

Nothing to strange I'd say.
He prefers to stay alone at home instead of going to "socialise" in a pub. He prefers to drink at home instead of waste the money for overpriced pints in a pub. He prefers to chat to strangers in the net instead of doing chit-chat to the aul same faces in the pub. He prefers to "use" porn instead of talking sh|te to someone else to get a ride. he didn't bought a house because the prices maybe are just silly for him and it's wasted money. Why should he read in public? The bed is the best place for reading.

It's absolutely his choice if he doesn't want to "socialise" or to meet people. It's called "cocooning" I think. What's his job like? has he to deal with a lot of different people every day? maybe he just wants to have quiet evenings?

I see myself in a few things in what you said about this guy. so for me he is absolutely normal.

The_Conductor

I imagine there are quite a few people that your description could easily apply to. It does sound like the person is in a rut, doing things out of routine, almost robotically, than out of either a like or dislike for what they are doing. Its one thing to say that perhaps porn is a fairly normal activity- its quite another thing for someone's life to revolve around porn and a surreal online existence. Yes, I felt sad reading your description too, but I also had to ask myself- just how many of my neighbours does this describe, the answer being that I wouldn't be one little bit surprised if there were a sizeable number.......

Crucifix

I'd be sad that he's suffering from long term depression. Everything else is fine if he's happy.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.

Problem is he isn't at all happy.
At it's worse he wishes life would hurry up & pass by so he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.

His profession is support based, so yes people wreck his head on a daily basis, but what bothers him is that he feels these people only remember he exists when they need something, & he feels isolated at all other times.

He does love going out with friends & loves going to nightclubs for the music, it's just with friends having responsibilities we finds less & less opportunity to do this, which leaves him bored & alone every weekend, when he should be enjoying himself.

He sees everyone elses life moving forward, whereas he feels his life hasn't progresses anywhere in say the last 10 years.

Of course I didn't mean he should read in public, I meant that his only hobby is also one to be done in isolation.

He loves women & would love nothing better than companionship, but how will he find this without going out to meet people.

His online antics no doubt help with the immediate lonliness, but in the longterm I don't think it is.

I guess I can't really do anything with your opinions, but when I think of him like this I can't help but worry. So I just wondered if maybe I was worrying for nothing. Maybe this is normal for lots of people.

Thanks for all your replies.

Kell

SadFriend wrote:

suffers from depression (very long term),
Is lonely,

Well, if he has admitted that he is lonely and is depressed, then there is nothing "normal" about his behaviour at all.

Sounds like a mate of mine, save for the depression and lonliness, oh and the constant visits to porn chat sites, but my mate is quite happy with his life.

Have you considered that you mate also suffers from general apathy i.e. doesnt really care about very much at all?

K-

Drift

At the very least he has one thing going for him - He has a friend who cares about him and wants to see him happy.

Is there any chance of you or one of his other friends doing a bit of matchmaking? Nothing Lisdoonvarna style though ... just inviting him around to your place when there happens to be a single friend of yours visiting too. Its a suggestion anyway.

Victor

SadFriend wrote:

very little savings, nothing to show for expenditure
Drinks most nights at home on his own
Social life is almost zero. Rarely goes out
Doesn't mix with work colleagues
Life exists of getting up, going to work, coming home, eating, drinking, going on net to chat up strangers & to watch & download porn. (& make use of the porn)
Does this til late at night, goes to bed drunk or tipsy, repeat.
Weekends:- bums around parents house & chats on net, porn etc.
suffers from depression (very long term), but won't seek help.
Is lonely, but won't make an effort to go meet people, as too busy chatting (flirting, cyber sex) to strangers on net. Also very shy when he does meet people & doesn't know what to say, so appears awkward & he feels awkward, so avoids the situation if it can be helped.

I would see the above points as negative, especially when combined. Individually, they may not be a problem. The others, I wouldn't necessarily see as negative.

A friend convinced herself her father was an alcoholic because he would always fix himself a martini when he came home from work. But there was no other drinking. Perhaps no the healthiest pattern but not the worst either. However, being drunk or tipsy everynight is problematic and is a pattern that needs breaking.

Is ther eanything you can do, even if its simple stuff like going for a meal together or inviting him over? It may be more useful if you phrase it like "Its the kid's birthday on X, would you be able to come over and help out?" It is harder to say no to the kid or third party.

In a rut, but doesn't seem to want to get out of it, or at least make an effort to get out of it.

Bin in a rut is "safe". Leaving the rut can stress-inducing as it means unknowns and potential ups and downs.

MojoMaker

So actually it turns out he doesn't have a well paid professional job at all, and this is driving him nuts, so much so that he has withdrawn from life to a certain extent. Just thought I'd update.

flamingo

aw the poor lad ... i know you said he's not getting help for his depression, but is there any point in trying that route again? all the rest of his behaviours appear to stem from that, and it sounds like he needs some space and help to move forward, to rebuild his self-esteem and to see that things can change.

LegacyUser

MojoMaker wrote:

So actually it turns out he doesn't have a well paid professional job at all, and this is driving him nuts, so much so that he has withdrawn from life to a certain extent. Just thought I'd update.

Eh? Do you think you know this person or something?
He has a VERY well paid job. (in fact, about 2ce what I'm earning, & I think I'm doing ok)
I said what sector he was in, not what position.

As for counselling:- no, I don't think he'll try that again. He's been depressed prob going on 20 years now.
He's a very intelligent person & feels he's been talked to like a child in those sessions. Thinks it's all bullsh!t & has decided it's not going to work even before he goes through the door. Can't teach an old dog new tricks, so I don't think he's going to change his opinion on this one.

As for me going for meals / drinks etc with him. It's something I'd love to do, to give him a pick-me-up or whatever, but I can't.
In case he reads on here (which I know he has done in the past) I don't want to go into details why not, but just to say it's definitely out of the question.
I did contact other friends of his a while back & simply asked them to keep him in mind, which they did & I know that would've helped during that time, but everyone has their own lives to lead, so he can't depend on those people to keep him entertained for life.

Any mid 20's-mid 30's single females out there wanna date????