PLEASE HELP!!!>how to show my bf we can get through this...

LegacyUser

My boyfriend (18) and I (20) have been going out 6 and a 1/2 months. This is both the longest we're either gone out with anyone for. Last week, I got a bit insecure and he thought I was trying to break up with him... he said some stuff...then I emailed him explaining that I didn't mean it etc... but what he said was still sort of on my mind. The whole situation was sort of cleared up in his head, as he knew what was going on in mine... but because he never told me what was going on in his, I didn't know how much he cared.
So fast forward to last night, I texted him+ told him to 'forget me'. I did this, as I knew I was wrecking the guys head a bit, but I didn't want to break up with him AT ALL. It was my own insecurity getting the better of me.
Today, I walked up to his house to apologise in person+ got the impression that I really hurt him... I told him how sorry I was etc and that from now on, things would be really cool+ fun etc.

The other person he went out with, for 4 months cheated on him. I did not know this until today. He figured that, because in that relationship, they hit a problem...it never went away+ now that we've hit a bit of a 'problem'... our problem won't go away, as it didn't the last time...

I was trying to say to him, that with the cheating problem, trust is lost... but with our 'problem'... it was my own insecurity+ it won't happen again (I know it really wont). He thinks I might have really wanted to break up with him... I'm desperately trying to convince him that I didn't want to break up with him. The best I've come up with so far, is that I told him 'I swear on my life I didn't want to break up with you. I was being insecure. It won't happen again'.

PLEASE!!!... any suggestions on how to get through to this guy, that every relationship will hit tiny little problems now and again+ things can be more fun and better than ever before, as it will mean we've gotten through this...

I'm meeting him for coffee tomorrow evening+ I want to do something cool and spontaneous to say sorry etc. Any ideas?.. or has anyone been in this situation before.... thanks

Steyr

Say Coffee but take him out for a meal and then talk about how much you miss him then go make sweet love to show your love for eachother..:D Be very romantic.:p

limklad

AlmostOutofTiME wrote:

I'm meeting him for coffee tomorrow evening+ I want to do something cool and spontaneous to say sorry etc. Any ideas?.. or has anyone been in this situation before.... thanks

You gave yourself the answer.

Tell him that you are not his previous girlfriend.
Say out loud at the top of your voice for everyone to hear and say "I love "his name with a " and I'm sorry for letting you down etc. etc." stand up and Go straight for him and give him one big juicy kiss. I think you know how to take it from there.

or to be more spontaneous

you could jump in a river :eek: , pour coffee over yourself :eek: as a token of your love for him, etc. They are spontaneous too, a bit more embarrasing in public, or you could give him a strip show while having coffee .

I think the first suggestion is preferred by you, even though the strip show would be nice.:D

The_Conductor

Insecurity can be a massive problem, and can be the wedge that you use to drive between yourself and your bf, albeit subconsciously. It is a problem that you have to acknowledge and work on yourself. Do talk to your bf, and explain where you are coming from. As per the comments above, a heartfelt apology and an honest explanation will help. However, no-one likes to have mind games played on them- if you are serious about the guy you are going to have to grow up and psychologically mature into a more confident person.

First steps first, and the biggest thing of all- communication. sit down and talk to your bf, and move forward (and quit dwelling on the what-ifs and maybes......)

Talliesin

AlmostOutofTiME wrote:

I want to do something cool and spontaneous to say sorry etc. Any ideas?

In order to make him feel he can trust you you are going to do something that you are pretending is spontaneous, but which is actually something you brainstormed with a bunch of people on the Internet?

That's not terribly honest. Also, if you were a good enough actress to make it look spontaneous you'd be good enough at drama to think it up yourself. So I'd say the chances of it looking unspontaneous are high.

I suggest you forget about spontaneity and just focus on what's important.

He's hurt and worried right now. It's not his birthday. He doesn't need a big gesture. A small gesture would be nice but use that only as an ice-breaker for getting down to the real business of sorting out what went down, how he feels about it and where you go from there.

He's allowed to still feel upset after you've talked it over rather than everything being suddenly okay.

So are you.

Kell

AlmostOutofTiME wrote:

So fast forward to last night, I texted him+ told him to 'forget me'. I did this, as I knew I was wrecking the guys head a bit, but I didn't want to break up with him AT ALL.

Sorry, insecurity or no insecurity, what the fúck did you do that for? You thought you were wrecking the guys head before so you go and add a cherry to the cake.

Yes relationshps will hit tiny problems, but, em, YOU manufactured this one.

Personally, if he hasnt got over being cheated on and you're, well, in the business of wrecking blokes heads, perhaps the two of you should move along until both of you grow up.

K-

PeakOutput

Kell wrote:

Personally, if he hasnt got over being cheated on and you're, well, in the business of wrecking blokes heads, perhaps the two of you should move along until both of you grow up.
K-

that is ridicolously harsh............and what is telling them to "grow up" gonna help with?


from the whole cheating thing my two last gf's did the dirt the second one after a year and it defo sticks with you but i think he just needs to learn that you cant carry that around with you forever........although if it happens again im liable to kill someone

about your own insecurities im getting to the stage were i believe almost all girls will be insecure no matter what and it can be very very tough on a guy when they go into that phase and he has no idea what is going on

you should do something that you know he loves(After 6 months you should know) he is going to know what you are trying to do straight away anyway so there is no point bull****ting.........

make sure you talk during the night out about what you both feeling and drag it out of him if you have to you will probably find that you texting him etc mdae him even mnore insecure than you and you will have to rebuild up his confidence in you

LegacyUser

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PeakOutput wrote:

that is ridicolously harsh............and what is telling them to "grow up" gonna help with?


from the whole cheating thing my two last gf's did the dirt the second one after a year and it defo sticks with you but i think he just needs to learn that you cant carry that around with you forever........although if it happens again im liable to kill someone

about your own insecurities im getting to the stage were i believe almost all girls will be insecure no matter what and it can be very very tough on a guy when they go into that phase and he has no idea what is going on

you should do something that you know he loves(After 6 months you should know) he is going to know what you are trying to do straight away anyway so there is no point bull****ting.........

make sure you talk during the night out about what you both feeling and drag it out of him if you have to you will probably find that you texting him etc mdae him even mnore insecure than you and you will have to rebuild up his confidence in you

Thanks. I know it was completely my fault.. this entire situation...

I've thought of something... slightly unusual... can't particularly say... but I think it will be fun and he will hopefully like it.
I've realised that for him to regain confidence in me, he probably needs to know WHY I send him that text... I know sort of why.. but I'm not sure I should tell him (as he'll think it's ridiculous).

This guy has been the nicest guy and most amazing person I know. And he's really good looking too. On thur, he said he thought he loved his ex... (never told me about this cheating thing.. if he did, then I don't think any of this would have arose)... she had to go home to another country and they still email each other...
He lives near a bunch of girls.. I've only met a few.. but they're pretty... when I was at my bfs place once, he was out of the room+ one was going on about how hot he is etc+ she was trying to 'go down on him' one night, when she was drunk... and another one was coming onto him too a different night... I got insecure, I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE!!!
He told me on Thur that he had been scared all along too. So I naturally thought, that he couldn't be open with me.
I've since figured out that he hadn't been!. Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

I told him to 'forget me', as I basically thought he was too good for me.. as he's SO amazing... that I wasn't fair to him for my behaviour over the past week...'

Kell

PeakOutput wrote:

and what is telling them to "grow up" gonna help with?

:rolleyes:

Will help with-

AlmostOutofTiME wrote:

I know it was completely my fault.. this entire situation...

And also, if her BF grows up he, as you so succinctly put it-

PaekOutput wrote:

just needs to learn that you cant carry that around with you forever........

I loved your broad generalisation that women are insecure. The bit you forgot to add was that they "choose" to be. You can be aware of your issues but you can also choose not to be affected by them. In the words of a singer, whom I wont mention for fear of being shot- "All these insecurities that have held me down for so long, cant say I have found a cure for them, but at least I know them, so they're not so strong".

Incidentally, how long did you spend being single after the first ex did the dirt on you?

And no, I wasnt being ridiculously harsh.

K-

dame

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055068166
Same person?

You can try but if he really doesn't think you're working out then there's not much point in dragging it out indefinitely. Maybe your best bet would be to just forget about the whole insecurity issue, forget about bringing it up again and just do light-hearted fun things together. Sounds like he just doesn't want such an emotionally involved relationship right now. Not what you want to hear but that's just my opinion.

PeakOutput

Kell wrote:

I loved your broad generalisation that women are insecure. The bit you forgot to add was that they "choose" to be.

i was saying that half tongue in cheek sorry i know that doesnt come across well in text.

but everyone knows there issues that doesnt make you insecure what makes you insecure is when you let those minor issues affect major parts of your life

in my experience there is nothing a guy can do to make a girl feel secure about herself....you can have her floating on clouds but it will always come back to haunt them because its their insecurities and they have to get over them themselves

Incidentally, how long did you spend being single after the first ex did the dirt on you?

not long at all but i didnt know she did the dirt till after we broke so it wasnt as big a deal as the second time

Zambia

Dear OP You are wrecking the blokes head , stop doing that and he may come back. Even reading both your posts wrecked mine.

Trinity

I knew it was the same poster immediately.

All i can say is you are sounding like a classic martyr here.

Oh leave me i am not good enough for you - only 2 things can come from this carry on - either:

A) he takes you literally and leaves you and doesnt come back - reenforcing your beliefs that you are not good enough

he comes back, you feel all reassured that he does indeed care (for a little while) until your insecurity raises its ugly head and you do it again - and so the circle continues

You are only hurting one person here and thats yourself. If you truly believe he is too good for you then walk away, seriously.

If you do this again he will walk trust me. He may have his own insecurities too and will feel totally confused and wont know what the hell is going on.

Get that guy off the damn pedestal you have him up on. You really need to work on your confidence or the same thing will happen with every guy you meet.

If you are on here pleading for advice why dont you take it. DId you think that by changing the ages by 1 year we wouldnt know it was the same person?

No-one is attracted to a clingy, insecure person so think about that when you think a surprise is going to solve all your problems, they are only temporary measures.

YOU have to show him it can work by copping on to yourself, have some confidence and say what you mean to him instead of emotional outbursts saying leave me.

PLEASE!!!... any suggestions on how to get through to this guy, that every relationship will hit tiny little problems now and again+ things can be more fun and better than ever before, as it will mean we've gotten through this

Hes not the one that finished it so obvouisly he already knows this. I'm sorry to say girl but its you that has to work on her problems not him. You're the insecure one, you finished it, you think hes too good for you.

I'm telling you this for your own good cos i learned from experience. GOod luck and i hope for your own sake you work these things out in your head.

Beruthiel

AlmostOutofTiME, would you also be Layla1981?
Because if you are, then I see no reason why you would bother posting any more threads in this forum. You clearly do not wish to take the already good advice you've been given in all your past threads.

I told him to 'forget me', as I basically thought he was too good for me..

This is passive agressive behaviour and one of the worst traits any human being can use on another.
I suggest you be totally honest with your b/f and tell him exactly how it is with you and why, perhaps through understanding ye can work something out.

Beetlebum

Beruthiel wrote:

AlmostOutofTiME, would you also be Layla1981?
Because if you are, then I see no reason why you would bother posting any more threads in this forum. You clearly do not wish to take the already good advice you've been given in all your past threads.



This is passive agressive behaviour and one of the worst traits any human being can use on another.
I suggest you be totally honest with your b/f and tell him exactly how it is with you and why, perhaps through understanding ye can work something out.

Passive aggressive!! That's the term I was looking for. You are being manipulative but in a subtle and, quite frankly pathetic, kind of way. You're telling this guy that you think he's too good for yu in the hopes that he'll lavish you with attention for fear of losing you.

As Kell said - Grow up, not harsh words at all.

Kell

PeakOutput wrote:

not long at all but i didnt know she did the dirt till after we broke so it wasnt as big a deal as the second time

Hmmn. Not a preach, but why jump from one relationship into another when you had stuff to deal with?

K-

PeakOutput

Kell wrote:

Hmmn. Not a preach, but why jump from one relationship into another when you had stuff to deal with?

K-

well even tho its irrelevant to this thread i will answer

broke up with girl on st stephens day (we were together about 3months but it was really only coz of the sex we stayed together imo) a week later i was talking to her and she seemed to get pissed of with me and says "well i did the dirt on you" i was more relieved that we had already broken up than anything else and i was just thinking thank god i dont have to be around her ever again(as i said we werent the best match and we werent that close it was a very casual relationship)

then maybe halfway threw january i met my next girlfriend saw her a few times and started going out with her......i had honestly(i think) completely forgotten about the previous relationship except to say that if it happened with any other girlfriend they too were going to have to take a hike

Kell

PeakOutput wrote:

broke up with girl on st stephens day

then maybe halfway threw january i met my next girlfriend

Someone call the SWAT team. Theres a serial monogamist in our midst!!

Again, not preaching, I find its never wise to wake up in a relationship and wonder how you got there. Tends to spare you the shít you have been thru with recent ex's.

Taking your time with someone usually removes the pitfalls you experience when you wake up in a relationship and the sex is usually better too because both of you have been gagging for it for so long.

K-

PeakOutput

Kell wrote:

Someone call the SWAT team. Theres a serial monogamist in our midst!!

hahaha you have no idea how untrue that is and i do know people like that.........the first girl i was with for 3 months that was my longest relationship at that time and i was very happy with myself that i could stick it out for 3 months (sounds terrible now i know) and the second one was for a bit more than a year (that was just a great relationship till the end......give or take one or two hiccups but pretty much great) but i am young free single and on the rebound now and plan to be for quite a long time unless elitha cuthbert is in town


neway op sorry for hijacking thread