Marriage problems

lonelyangel

I have recently started keeping a diary - to vent my innermost thoughts I would not want anyone reading my diary, its personal, if I choose to show someone my diary then that would be completely different - but everyone needs a space where they can be 110% honest and this in my opinion is where a diary comes in, you can write it down and no matter how irrational it may be at the time it doesnt hurt anyone, unless they come along and read it !!
You may be able to help me in my dilemna, I have started keeping a diary for the next six months - the reason being that I am now 31 years of age, female with two children 10 & 6 years of age (started young) my husband is a good man but devotes his whole life to his work, when we started going out together he wasnt like this, i fell pregnant very early in the relationship and we got through it but now it seems like all I do is look after the kids (after my part time job) and all he does is work, he has no other hobbies outside of his work and he works very long hours, I dont see him until 8 or 9 pm every evening even though he works for himself and works only a 5 minute drive from our house, his heart is in the right place but he just doesnt seem to put any effort into me or the kids - I have spoken to him over the years about this and every time he has a different excuse as to why he works such long hours etc. He also seems to favour his son over his daughter and she is starting to see this for herself (she is 10) he can be quite hard on her and i am afraid of the effect this is having on her.
Also, I find that I am falling for my best friend, he has told me on more than one occasion that he thinks there is something between us and I would have to agree, we have the same values in life and get along fantastically, he makes me very happy even though we have not gone any further with the relationship. He is married too and has been married for about 10 years, I have been married for 8 years. I think we both have the same marriage problems even though we have never discussed our marriage's with each other.
I have decided to keep a diary for 6 months and then come september I am going to look back and see how happy / sad I really am. I dont plan on spending any more time in an unhappy marriage but I do want to give it a shot for the sake of the kids. I dont plan on taking it any further with my friend, whatever happens with him will have to wait until i sort my marriage out - can anyone in a similar boat or anyone who may have gone through this previously please give me advice. I am at my wits end.

LegacyUser

Hiya,
I'm kinda in a similar position at the moment. Hubby is all work and not much focus on me and the kids. We are arguing alot recently and are now talking about going for councelling. I recommend that you do the same. I know that when I feel a bit neglected I am more open to someone paying attention to me. I'd advise you to stay away from your friend, he's an added complication. Also it's easier to look at leaving your marriage if you have someone to fall back on.
I'm not sure if your husband is harder on your daughter just because she's a girl - it could very well be because she's the eldest child. I know that I have a tendancy to be harder on my eldest and have to make a concious decision not to be.
Good luck

Beruthiel

lonelyangel wrote:

I dont plan on spending any more time in an unhappy marriage but I do want to give it a shot for the sake of the kids.

Then your first step is to sit your husband down and have a serious heart to heart discussion. Tell him that you are unhappy and will not be staying in the marriage if it's not sorted out.
Take a rest from your friend if you have feelings towards him, it will cloud your judgement, especially if he is paying you the kind of attention that your husband has stopped doing.
A long term relationship of any kind requires both parties taking time to show the other person that they still care. This is something that can be just let slide in a longterm relationship as ye can take each other for granted. Time must be put aside for each other or it will all go south. Perhaps ye going to see a professional might help you both.
Best of luck.

lonelyangel

Wow, so glad to get a reply, spoke to my husband last night, actually bawled my eyes out to him, he agrees with me on everything I have said, he knows he is not around enough but the way he sees it is that his dad was never around as kids and he got on fine!! Anyway I have told him that I am giving us 6 months to get through this, (this has been going on for years now 3 at least and every time he has promised me that things would get better) and if after 6 months I still feel the way I do now then we are going to take a break from each other. There is so much more to it than I can put in a post but with regards a counsellor - they are not for us, we know what the issues are and we talk openly about them, its all about acting on these issues.
With regards my friend - I know what you mean about it being easier to walk away if you know you have someone to fall back on, I have no intention of starting anything with him and he knows it - he is just a very very good friend and is there for me when I need to talk.
I hope things work out for you and your family, please keep me posted as to how the counselling is going.

BeardyGit

lonelyangel wrote:

<snip>.....I have no intention of starting anything with him and he knows it - he is just a very very good friend and is there for me when I need to talk.

I'm all for confiding in friends, and strangers like here on PI for example. But you need to be constantly communicating with your husband if you want him to actually engage in your lives, instead of just funding them.
Maybe you need to work at giving your husband the opportunity to be that best friend - The person you'll turn to when you need to talk instead of another man who you say has the same problems in his marriage.

Just playing devils advocate you understand - I'm sure it's not easy for you, but there are always different ways to view any situation. The way I see it is thus; If you don't positively encourage your husband to take part in your life outside of his work (as opposed to just complaining about the problems you see), I can't see him having the incentive to change his habits.....

It'll take time of course, and real effort - Maybe more from you than you might want to put in right now. But he sounds like a decent man from what you write, and you sound like you do care enough to push him in the right direction. We men are simple beasts, and you surely know it already. You might like to think he'll figure out exactly what you need from him, all on his own. Chances are that he won't - But he'll be open to direction.

I'll bet if you actually SHOW him how much it means to you two to spend time together with your children, on your own etc., he'll change his approach. Use more carrot and less stick I guess is what I'm trying to say. Maybe he'll actually start to focus on the rewards of family life, instead of what he perhaps sees as his duties and responsibilities.... Get him to re-engage in family life, and you'll stand a much better chance of having him help you make the changes you want to make.

Well, good luck whatever way things go for you.

All the best,

Gil

Talliesin

lonelyangel wrote:

it seems like all I do is look after the kids (after my part time job) and all he does is work, he has no other hobbies outside of his work and he works very long hours, I dont see him until 8 or 9 pm every evening even though he works for himself and works only a 5 minute drive from our house,

One contradiction I see here is you've said "even though he works for himself".

Anyone who's worked for themselves knows that with very few exceptions you have to work harder and often spend time that is hard to justify to oneself (talking up a possible lead for more work when you know it's probably going to come to nothing) which is quite demoralising.

Now the majority of people who have a life of relative leisure - working for a few hours each day and enjoying the rest of their time freely - tend to be self-employed, but the majority of people who are self-employed tend to have to work very hard.

Added to that, even if you're having a good month or a good year, the pressure is on you and you alone to make sure you get as much out of that to cover a bad patch in the near future.

Being self-employed can help work/home balance in terms of how you schedule your time (it's easier to perhaps spend lunchtime at home, or to be home for the children's bedtime and then go back to work rather than working through it and not seeing them all day) but those hours have to come from somewhere else.

Now, this isn't so much my making an excuse on his behalf as pointing out something that could be compounding things.

His work/home balance is bad in a way that is affecting your relationship negatively. However your saying "even though he works for himself" rather than "given that he works for himself" indicates that you think it should be easier for him to re-adjust that balance because he's self-employed when it's actually probably harder. If he senses that you don't appreciate how difficult being self-employed can be then that is going to make it harder for the two of you to improve things.

lonelyangel wrote:

with regards a counsellor - they are not for us, we know what the issues are and we talk openly about them, its all about acting on these issues.

In that case you've got no problems and you can just go off and do that and within about two days from now you should be living happily ever after.

Since it's been at least three years rather than two days that you've been having these sorts of problems I'd suggest that it's not as simple as that.

And really. Why are you even asking people for our opinions if it's that easy?

More to the point. If it really is that easy, then either you're just being lazy about it and not bothering, or your husband is, or both. Do you really think that's it - that you both have a full understanding of your problems and keep that understanding clear in your minds constantly (sometimes we can see these things at the moments of worse crisis, but need help also seeing them when we're busy with the normal day-to-day activity of life) but you're just too lazy as a couple to fix them? I doubt that. And if it is the case it's doomed.

So I'd recommend reconsidering the counsellor. If the relationship does have a chance (and maybe it doesn't, but you yourself say you want to salvage it if it does) then a counsellor will give you both your best chance of seeing what you can do to help it - including a better perception of those things that you acknowledge when you sit down to talk about it but which don't actually get acted on. A counsellor can also give you your best chance of seeing clearly if you actually do want to end it. Either way a good counsellor can help.