Marriage break-up

KELTICKNIGHTT

long story
been married for 3 years,been togeter for 6 years
we both fell for each on blind date,after a year ,[my wife] moved into a new house i built on family propity
we both had been married before and had bagged and wounds from it
after 8 months living to gether,[my wife],wanted to break up as she felt she wasnt fair to me in how she was acting
then my sister would turn up without us knowing and this upset [my wife],said to sister and in end was a choice of either loosing [my wife] and selling the house or not selling the house
so l sold it in 2002 as i didnt want to loose her as i was mad about her,we bought a site and built our dream home.in 2003 i hurt my back and had 5 damaged disks in it and had to leave my good job in engineering,was hard for 7-8 months and we where at each other because of money.got work in security and long hours and no family life and then moved up in security ,but was worse hours ,me and [my wife] where both stupporn and both where right
i was moody because of work and tired and money,she was too,but she said i was worse,would say she was right,we where bouncing off each other,another big problem we found out also having a baby wasnt happening,it didnt bother me ,but did bother [my wife]
she was on treatment last year through public service with bill,she was up and down,she said i dint support her enough and hugg her during,she would watch tv and i the pc,i would saty away when she was in moods which was wrong of me,,4 weeks ago had job problems and need to change,the shorted me 3 weeks wages which now im fighting,this made be moody as we had bills,she took out money from her saving to help,[my wife] was great that way and all other ways
last weekend we had a big tiff in sense she came home from work at luchtime to watch irish rubgy match with me and after it she went to bed ,asked me to do few things which i did,that night i was to go out with my brother as they just had baby boy,she was going to take me and brother to pub and bring us home,wa to wake her up at 5.30pm and i didnt as didnt her her telling me,she asked me to get some pizza or chinse,i said i take quick shower and get it and she insisted i do it now as she was starving,i didnt and she got something from freezer and told me to f-off,i went out and got something and asked if she wanted anything a,she said no,was going to cnacel with brother,she came to me and said go with your brother and get real
that night she droped us at pub and thanked her,later i text her to pick us up around 12 am-30,she called when she was outside and brother decided to smke and,she rang again and said would leave in 5 mins,we came out,was tense in car ,we didnt anything to each other,talked to brother,was long trip home,we sleep in different beds that night as we do when we have a arguement,next morning,we didnt say anything to each other and that monday was our 3 year wedding anniversery and where to go out on that sunday,but either of talked to each other ,i was downstair and she was upstairs,wasa starting new job on monday,was the longist day,we still didnt talked as we did when things like this happened,next day i came home from work and informed me she was canceling treatment for trying for baby,we talked ,i said i was sorry and and everything i did,as i have done before
i was seeing a councellor friend for last few months to help me be better person and help me with way i deal with things ,being stubborn etc,
anyways i talked to her on tuesday night and said everything i have said before,she listened and cryed ,said few things ,the new job would have better hours so we could have better couple life as we havent had for 3-4 years,on wedensday i asked if i could come and be in same bead as her and she said she wasnt ready and not over what had happened,thursday we passed each other as i came home late and she went to bed
friday morning she got up 7.30 and i got up at 8.00,asked what we where doing over long weekend and she said she didnt know,asked if we could talk and she said i should have talked before now,rang her on her mobile as she was heading to work as she was self employed [nature of employment not relevant] ,she said she would listen and wouldnt say anything,she reached her clients house and had to go and i had to go to work
she said she had to stay forcused on work and would finish on saturday[today evening and would talk then
i rang her to tell her i was going to see coulcillor frienfd on way from work,she said i should,was to meet him at 9.30 last night,she rang me before i saw him to ask if she could speak to him on phone when i was with him,when i meet him, i was in a state,she was ringing and he said dont answer yet,she rang 3 times and left a message
she said in message that she had moved out and said she knew was lousy way to tell me,she said she would meet me with councilor next week ,but wouldnt meet me on our own,i left him and rang her,i was upset,asked why,she said hadnt worked in 5 years,always bouncing off each other,i said i love you,she said love not enough,i said again i love you and you love me,she said she didnt any more,said she would meet me with councilor,she said i shouldnt stay in house by myself,it went on,she then said she would meet councilor ,but wouldnt change her mind,i said ,what you want,a devorce,she said yes, and sell the house and would get her lawyer next week to contact me
what i know is she made her mind up during the week and planed the move with her sister yesterday as would need two cars,sttill some of her stuff here
have been calling her mobile and leaving messages and texts,asked to meet me with marrige councilor,said on messages i would check out appointments and let her know on tuesday next,all these are messages left on voice mail only/we both are strong willed and stubborn ,which is part of our problems,being tight with money and bouncing off each other didnt help,plus she getting treatment to try for a baby didnt help
at this moment im lost and cant afford to go out
she gone away for weekend to help,
all im hoping for now is we go to councilor and see if they can help as we do ok for awhile and then have a tiff about something.
maybe im grapping at straws,but she means a great deal to me as she was my worlsd and did a poor job of being a good supporting husband.i would give everything up to be with her,have to wait to see if she will

Talliesin

I've replaced the more obviously identifying parts in this post because I think the risk of identification was high enough that I should act immediately.

As an actual user reading this, rather than as an S-mod avoiding trouble for our users, I have to say that I can't make head or tail of this post.

I suspect that this is not so much a matter of you being bad at expressing things generally, as the way you're finding it hard to think straight about things.

Can you try to state this more clearly, even if it does make for a longer post.

For a start I don't understand why the house being sold or not was important here.

KELTICKNIGHTT

sorry
being married for 3 years
was 3 years married last monday
first house was sold as was getting interference from sister
so my choice was either move or loose vivienne
so moved and bulit a new house
as building new house ,damaged 5 disks and was out of work for 7-8 months,so lead to money problems-argements-bouncing off each other
last weekend we had a argement in which i forgot to wake her up at 5.30 and she woke at 6
she asked me to get pizza and i said after 5 mins when i had a shower/so she got something out of freezer and micro it
and f- off
i went out and got some grub and asked her if she wanted anything,,she said no.
she took me and brother out to pub to clebrate is new son arrival,didnt want to go as what was going on with us and she insisted
she picked us up at 12.30 from pub and tension in the air,carrived throught the r4est of weekend
on monday was starting new job where hours where better for more quality time and pay
when i came home from work,we didnt talks and that night again ,didnt sleep in same bed

tuesday i came home,same thing,she came to me and said she was canceling the treatment to conseive a baby,then we talked and cryed that night,after talk ,went to different bedrooms

wedensday the same,but asked if we could talk and be in same bedroom and she said she wasnt ready and need more time

thursday/same home late from work as was in work training still ,didnt say much and went to different bedrooms
friday morning,tryed to talk and she said ,should have talked before now,as she was going to work,i talked to her on her mobile,she said she would listen,but wouldnt say anything
after awhile she arrived at her first clients,said she need to focus on work today and would talk on this saturday after work,
i rang her later on friday to say i was going to talk to councilor friend at 9.30

at 9.25/she said she wanted to talk to councilor friend when i was with him,
when she rang when i meet him,he didnt want to talk straight away to her as i was upset and talk a little before talking to her

she left message saying that she had moved out of house,she said she knew it was lousy way for me to find out,would meet me with counclor next week with me,only not with me by myself

i rang her back,i was upset and shocked
she said she was tired of the bouncing off each other,moodyness
being tight in money
has tryed for last few years and hasnt worked
said would meet the councilor wth me
i got more upset,in which she said would still meet with me and councilor ,but said this time wouldnt changed her mind.
i said;;what you want, adorvorce
she said;; yes and sell our new house,she said she get her lawyer to get touch with me

have sent her text begging her to see a marriage person next week,said would anything asked of me,if it didnt work then,would accept it,have also left voice messages
at this point ,have to leave her alone to decide,and pray she will
sorry for post,abit upset at moment

Trinity

Not sure really what to say as obviously not a professional but it sounds more like something that has been building up for a while as opposed to her just being upset over not waking her and you not jumping to her demands immediately to get out and get her food. (unbelievable carry on IMO)

It sounds like you are blaming yourself but in other ways you have given into her every demand i,e sell the house to get away from your sister, seeing a counsellor, trying for a baby.

And yes it was a lousy way of you finding out she had moved out of the family home, either there is other stuff going on or she has no respect for you.

I know its hard but all you can do is wait and see what happens, give her some space. I wish i could say dont worry she will be back tomorrow but i'm afraid it sounds like this has been brewing for quite a while. Try not to beat yourself up too much it wont help.

It sounds like you were never going to make this woman happy no matter what you did so give it a bit of space and i hope it works out for you.

KELTICKNIGHTT

part of problem ,we both where stubborn,did thing our way
tight on money,baby thing made things worse in sense that she was uptight because of bills she was on and she said i didnt hug and support,i just keep out of her way which i know was wrong
i was moody lately over work and long hours,she watch tv and me pc
that when i decided to talk to someone about me and what i can do,was doing ok till my last job screwed me and was left 3 week short on money,she had to take out money from savings to pay for bill,i was angry and moody
we have patch things up over last 2 years over and over,she had enough
i want to see marriage coucilor as only thing that will help if it can,had agree to it till last heated chat
she also said love is not enough
will give her space and see if see will meet councilor

iguana

Is the counsellor you are going to see together the same one that is your friend? If so I would suggest that you arrange to see someone else. The beauty of a counsellor is that they are impartial and not part of your everyday lives.

Other than that good luck. Your wife is obviously still invested in your marriage or she would not have suggested counselling. If you both love each other and are willing to work at your relationship then you stand a good chance of making things work. Just give her some space but let her know you are around if she wants to talk.

KELTICKNIGHTT

hi
th councilor friend wants us to see different councilor who deal with couples as he doesnt
i was talking to him to help me deal with things better,didnt do such good job last weekend
earlier on ,she wanted to meet councilor togeter next week,but at heated end of chat ,she was taking dervorce,and selling our house and she said she would get a lawyer to get in touch with me
im trying to get her to talk to marriage councilor together ,haven talked to her as she away for weekend and not answering her mobile,so im leaving her alone and will get few appointments for next week and text them onto her and let her make her mind up

KELTICKNIGHTT

if we had got a marriage councilor earlier ,would have help us,both waited for each other to make a move like we didi with everything ,including talking
she has taken most of her stuff out of house ,still some things there.not sure what to think at moment

secret_squirrel

I relise we are only seeing one side of the story here but it seems like you are the one who has always made sacrifices for her benefit. I don't see here giving up a small bit of her savings as a big deal. I suspect she has always relied on you to do the heavy work and is now feeling guilty about it. this seems like it has never been a marriage of peers and therefore has lead to problems. it seems she foesn't have enough self esteme to be your wife. unless you can find a councellor to help you it may be best to rebuild your life without her. most of these issues seems to be her problems not yours.

KELTICKNIGHTT

hi
she would never amit to being wrong and i never pushed it
right now only thing that might save our marriage is a couniclor
at this moment ,dont know if she will or not
will get few names and appointment dates and send in text to hear and let her decide
im 50/50 thinking it will happen
she moved most of her stuff out which not good sign

KELTICKNIGHTT

pleaded with wife to go to marriage councilling and she said no,its over
wants to get seperated and sell house
going to be tough now
house is empty and strange now
she getting solisitor to get in contact with me
she says love isn't enough and we have drifted apart
keltic

Trinity

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like she is pretty determined however you never know what a bit of time and space can do.

Best thing to do now is give her that space and dont plead anymore. The more you push her the more she will pull away.

If it makes you feel any better why not write her a long letter.

Look after yourself and your well being for the moment and seek support from your family and friends.

There are lots of websites out there were you can chat to other people in the same position and books to help you cope.

KELTICKNIGHTT

all i asked to give the marriage councilling a chance and dont want to try
want to sell the home and get devorced
she says love not enough
guess we let thing in in the way and we drifted apart and she doesnt want to try any more
see seeing a solisitor today and will be in touch with mine i guess
only married 3 years ,all we had is money problems,trying treatment for her to have a baby,first treatment failed and was starting new treatment a week before all this happened
my job was a problem as we never saw each other and when we did ,was too tired and where bouncing off each other
got a new job the week this happened ,with better hours,every weekend off,will see each other,little too late
she said in text ,was trying for last few years and had enough ,doent want to try any more ,its over
wont try counciling
told me to find peace

KELTICKNIGHTT

has been the hardest 2 weeks of my life,outside wife sneaking out and leaving message on my mobile telling me,also the fact i cant change my locks as she can come as she pleases when i working and taking things
left me with bills and mortage to pay for,has been hard
now waiting for the battle to begin
life can be bloody hard
not the same girl i married,funny how people change

Elessar

Your post is another reason I will never get married! Sounds horrible.

To pay the bills have you considered selling the house? She will more than likely want half of everything, so you might be forced to sell it.

Be very very glad she did not get pregnant. A child would only make the situation so much worse for yourself. Not to mention the fact that you would get completely shafted by the courts (they would take everything and THEN force you to pay for the child).

You are right, people change. A lot more marriages are ending in divorce. People dont seem to (or want to) know that it's not all the love and kisses and rainbows they think it is. Noone who ever gets married thinks divorce will happen to them. But it does. So often. So you are not alone.

Try to get together with a few mates and go on a holiday or take up a sport/hobby you used to do. And please consider not marrying the next girl you end up with, I think you'll agree you've had enough of that. Long term relationships are the same thing without the heartbreak of courts in the event of a separation.

Good luck, keep occupied.

Beruthiel

KELTICKNIGHTT wrote:

has been the hardest 2 weeks of my life,outside wife sneaking out and leaving message on my mobile telling me,also the fact i cant change my locks as she can come as she pleases when i working and taking things
left me with bills and mortage to pay for,has been hard
now waiting for the battle to begin
life can be bloody hard
not the same girl i married,funny how people change

People can change at anytime in their life Kelt, it's a risk we all take when we enter a long term relationship. Sometimes it works out and we change in the same direction/or we are able to take on that change, sometimes not.

Yes, life will be totally crap for the next while, know that it will end though.

Put the house up for sale asap, living in it cannot be easy for you.
If you are having difficulty paying bills, inform the mortgage lender that you are selling up.
Is there anything you always wanted to do? Like living in another country? There must be something, this is the time to just go for it. You have the power to do anything and instead of wallowing in misery (very easy to do at this time) focus on something that interests you and aim for it.
My life went from strength to strength after my divorce, yours can too if you push yourself into living each day as though it were your last.

KELTICKNIGHTT

cheers
came home in morning after work to find out she sneaked in and took stuff,took thing we both got from our wedding day and i cant even lock the place as she can enter the house anytime
will try to keep the house as it was my dream house and not hers,after while will see then
its hard when you know someone been in the house

Cancer-chick

OP you need to see a solicitor ASAP

She still has the right to enter the house as it is still the marital home but the contents are joint property so you really need to speak to a solicitor and find out exactly what your rights are.

Im not being harsh because its obvious you love the girl but i think for your own sake you should accept that for at least the near future you two are not going to be together.. You still need to protect yourself financially.

I hope it works out for you..

Moojuice

Things might get nasty really quickly if she keeps taking stuff without telling you. Is there any way you caould divide stuff up between the two of you? It might help avoid some of the pain and nastiness.

KELTICKNIGHTT

Was talking to my solicitor during the week as family and friends said i should,we havent talked sinse she left,i asked her if she need to come back to house,to please give time and date that she would and i would get some else to be here,she didnt this thursday,also i had the alarm code changed as i couldnt change the locks,the solicitor told me yesterday that she can enter the house ,but if by arrangement as she was requested,the solicitor wanted me to report to garda about tampering with the alarm,i decided not too,the solicitor said i should change the locks which i have and i sent her another text saying not to enter the house unless arranged as requested by solicitor
im puzzled,the way she doing everything is not the girl i knew,the things she doing is like she broke up with a boyfriend and not a husband
shes smart,but not doing things smart
she didnt take all her stuff and left some cloths,why,i dont know
maybe she comming back for more or maybe she doent want them
she took all good dining ware and kicthen ware,so she must have got a place,so guess she wont be paying the mortgage as both our names

KELTICKNIGHTT

at moment im getting my life on track,changing few things i should have done while ago
the new job i started when my wife left is the job i should have had long time ago as the old job was bad for me and my wife as we have saw each other and any quality time we had,where either to tired or moody because of everything
we only had every second weekend to gether and where alway tight in money as we couldnt do anything plus trying for baby,which i told her wasnt important to me,she was,im in better frame of mind with new job,better enviroment as well,why didnt this job come around before things went bad,l alway thought that when we almost breakup,we would get help.one of use,didnt happen,was also leeft up to me to fix things as she told me early in relationship she couldnt,still love the woman very much as she was my one true love and alway will,would have done anything for her which she knows
last 4 years we had nothing but bad luck
doing changes in my life for better life and learn by this experience
let her know taht i love she and door is open for her,maybe she might see what out there and give it a chance or magbe not,knowing her,she would feel its unfair to me to try,one thing we always said to each other ,never say never,so i have a little hope im holding on to and she might
have good weekend

King of Kings

KELTICKNIGHTT wrote:

never say never,so i have a little hope im holding on to and she might
have good weekend

lose that thought mate cos you'll never move on and always be living in the past.
My marriage ended after 7 months. at first it was tough esp when we were at the 'tr work it out stage' but after we agreed to split I became much happier and 8 months later I'm really enjoying life again. muc more than when I was married and happy.

So my advice is move on and life will pick up

KELTICKNIGHTT

wish it was easier
we had 7 years togethet and 3 years of marraige
everything that could go wrong did,she told friends i should get roomate to help out and she hasnt got legal like she said she would,if she did would help me,by not doing anything ,leaves things hanging and open
i know i have to move on and get things to gether,we both know we loved each other,if shes gets over me and likes what outside,she'll never come back,otherwise its a small chance,
time will tell all
also told it takes 2 months for every year with someone,l hope not

KELTICKNIGHTT

trying to move on,hard when you know both of you love each other
a couple in different country is our only link to each other
they talk to her and me
they told me not to give up hope but move on as well,feel in limbo
its hell at times
she told them i should get logger in the house we both own to help out
she moved they she did because knew it would be impossible
nothing has been done legaly yet,im not rushing as need to get my head together
i sent her a text last week to let her know,i love her and hope shes ok
let her know the door open for her,
but knowing her,even if theres a chance,she would think its unfair to me to try,thats her discision,its ours
time will tell over comming months
just hope she would at least text back and tell me something
will love her for long time to come ,
its hard to give up 7 years to a woman you still love even if she walks out while your at work
for now,will leave the door open,at same time move on

KELTICKNIGHTT

have taken alot of advise ,have decided to keep going ,had to sell alot of itmes to help me out with finances as wasnt expected .hope in time things will oek one way or another,maybe in time,we will speak,get a chance maybe to make it a marriage what it shoould be,will get rid of all the chains that brought us to this point,as i would want better life from here on in,still love her and will for long time as she was my soul mate for life and will never change for me,will leave the door open for her till such a time i know i will have to close it,all i can do for now,thanks for all advise given here

KELTICKNIGHTT

been almost 5 weeks and feels as if it yesterday it happened
shes in my mind morning,noon and night
i even have dreams of us together
she meant the world to me,still havent got any legal stuff off her as she told me i would get
the couple that talks to 2 of us till me not to give up on her,
this is hard as we dont have any contact
they say she needs time
i have alot of that
another weekend without her

Keep the chin up mate!

KELTICKNIGHTT

thought its to get easier as time goes on,its like it happen yesterday
wish we could talk,so many things to say