To call or not to call

LegacyUser

Okay I'm gonna write this stream of consciousness style so please forgive me lets put it in context, I'm 21 and have never been in anything resembling a serious relationship longest has been perhaps a month. Don't ask me why. I've only really come out of my shell in the past year or so - bit of a late bloomer I guess. I had a dreadful summer in terms of falling for a (frankly amazing) girl I couldn't have but who led me on to the extent that I couldn't forget about her and missed obvious opportunities & signals from other girls because of her. So that totally ****ed me up. But in hindsight, the experience was well worth it because I'm a wiser boy at da end of it. I still talk to this girl btw but she's ina different part of the country so she's defo out of mind (sometimes...) at dis stage. Took me a while but I'm over it etc - had some 1 night stands and short (several weeks kinda thing) relationships but they never worked out usually cos of me losing interest. So i think maybe I'd like a relationship now because going on the pull is starting to become boring & predictable.

Okay so I met this girl (20) out recently, we got on really well, done a bit of kissing, got her number etc. So I organised 1st date which went great dn then a considerably better 2nd date. I really didn't want to sleep with her (sounds weird I know but I think I'm more in favour of holding off on sex for a while esp if you genuinely have a thing for the girl) but we ended up going back to her place and having sex. And very good it was too. But she's just out of a fairly major 2 year relationship (her ex bf pic was above her bed!) and since I slept with her she's been slightly cold and distant. She says they broke up amicably and she still talks to him (all cool imo). She made it very clear she disn't want a relationship and I don't either ( i think, can't see it working cos we have different plans for summer) and that's fine but now her atitiude has got me slightly paranoid to even talk to her! We txted a bit last weekend and she had stuff to do at home (she's from the country) and she wouldn't be around for the weekend. Fair enough. So I forgot about her all weekend cos I know giving too much attention to a girl is a sure way to turn her off.

I totally understand not wanting to appear too clingy (such a massive turn off for me too) but it's been 4 days and no txt/no phone call/nuthing. In fairness I haven't initiated any communication because I really don't want her to think I'm in for this big mad relationship buzz. But now it's coming up to da weekend...what the hell should I do? I mean does she wanna be left alone? Or should I call her? Do I make a move for this weekend and risk appearing emotionally immature? Or leave her, move on and have another unfulfilling fling with some randomer this weekend?

And why does it have to be so complicated? All I want to do is have some fun and get to know this girl but she seems intent on not making it straightforward. Why?!

Crea

The only reason it's complicated is because you're trying to figure out what she's thinking without talking to her.
Pick up the phone, ask her out on a date over the weekend. If she says no then it's not the end of the world. If she says yes then when you meet her you'll have a good idea where this is going.
The immature thing to do would be to go out shagging at the weekend. The mature thing would be to talk to her before doing something to ruin the relationship.
CALL HER - don't text.

Wibbs

paranoidhemroid wrote:

Okay so I met this girl (20) out recently, we got on really well, done a bit of kissing, got her number etc. So I organised 1st date which went great dn then a considerably better 2nd date. I really didn't want to sleep with her (sounds weird I know but I think I'm more in favour of holding off on sex for a while esp if you genuinely have a thing for the girl) but we ended up going back to her place and having sex. And very good it was too.

So far so good.

But she's just out of a fairly major 2 year relationship (her ex bf pic was above her bed!)

Hmmmm. Not ideal but not always game over either.

and since I slept with her she's been slightly cold and distant.

Not so good if true and not your admitted paranoia. Could be any number of things. Holdovers of guilt or feelings still there for the ex. Even and no offense meant here, the sex might have been good physically, but emotionally she may not have been quite ready for it.

She says they broke up amicably and she still talks to him (all cool imo).

How amicably? The reason I ask, is it definitely over or is it a "break", if you know what I mean? Did he break it off or did she? Is she still trying to work out her feelings for this longterm boyfriend? It may explain the post sex coldness that you reckon you felt. All this is slightly moot as if you don't actually ask her about it you'll never know. The only risk of asking about it is you may scare her off if she's looking for fun as she may think you want more. Sod it. This is tooing and froing here. If you can just talk to her.

She made it very clear she disn't want a relationship and I don't either ( i think, can't see it working cos we have different plans for summer)

Well she's being honest and so are you so that's good.

and that's fine but now her atitiude has got me slightly paranoid to even talk to her! We txted a bit last weekend and she had stuff to do at home (she's from the country) and she wouldn't be around for the weekend. Fair enough. So I forgot about her all weekend cos I know giving too much attention to a girl is a sure way to turn her off.

It's a natural reaction as you got intimate quite quickly. You like this woman and maybe the no relationship bit is more of an issue to you. The fact that you wrote that you may want a relationship now after the one nighters since the unrequited love bit. I don't know, just thinking out loud here.

what the hell should I do? I mean does she wanna be left alone? Or should I call her? Do I make a move for this weekend and risk appearing emotionally immature? Or leave her,

Maybe call her and ask? I personally, like Crea dislike texts as they are a bit of an easy way out, but as this is early stages and you have a pattern of texting between you, maybe not. As it is less personal her response back may just be a gauge in this particular situation. If she likes you a text or call will work.

move on and have another unfulfilling fling with some randomer this weekend?

Whatever greases your wheel, but again like Crea I'm not so sure that's a great plan, if you want to make something of this other woman. If you don't want an actual relationship like you say it obviously matters less.

And why does it have to be so complicated? All I want to do is have some fun and get to know this girl but she seems intent on not making it straightforward. Why?!

Well maybe the answer's in the question. If she's actually intent on not making it straightforward, what does that tell you? Now this is all based on what you're saying and what you say she's saying. Not what she may be thinking.

frizzefreckles

paranoidhemroid wrote:

So I forgot about her all weekend cos I know giving too much attention to a girl is a sure way to turn her off.

I totally understand not wanting to appear too clingy (such a massive turn off for me too) but it's been 4 days and no txt/no phone call/nuthing.

Who told you that giving a girl too much attention is a turn off? We don't like to be bombarded with texts and calls but you haven't given the girl any. That's why you haven't heard anything back. I agree with the other posters ring her. Not contacting her at all just tells her that you are not interested, and by ringing her doesn't mean that you are looking for a relationship either. You need to speak to her if you want to see her again.

Deliverance

A picture of her ex over the bed? Who was on top and looking at the ex? I presume it wasn't you? If you think your life needs major complications just ring her and declare your interests. If you want to live in blissfull happiness untill you find a girl who does the same thing for you, but in an even better way due to less complications, (believe me there is more than one that will do that to you), then don't ring her.
Unless of course you want to have your picture hanging on her wall, touch of the old ego and all that?

In short and in answer to question, 'don't ring her, your better off, unless you like the challenge'.

Attol

Yea, there is a difference between being too clingy and showing an interest. If you don't show an interest how the hell will you know what's going on? She probably thinks you've gone off her if you haven't texted or called her. Just ask if she'd like to go to dinner or a movie or something. She could say yes or she could say no. At least then you'll know for sure. Nothing worse than someone cutting off all contact with you for no reason when you thought they liked you. A word of advice for guys : at least have the decency to say if you're interested or not! It would help a lot in trying to understand where you stand. Thank you!

Wibbs

Attol wrote:

A word of advice for guys : at least have the decency to say if you're interested or not! It would help a lot in trying to understand where you stand. Thank you!

You'll find you could make that a sticky in this forum for both genders. They can be each as bad as the other in that respect.