Going around in circles...

LegacyUser

SInce I was 16 I have been suffering bouts of depression. I have been on medication.I have attending councilling which helped for awhile. IN the past couple of years I have noticed that I move from being happy and content in myself and my life but then all of a sudden there is a trigger (bad news, stress etc) and my reaction is usually quite alarming. I feel incredibly down, tearful, often angry (hitting things, breaking things, hurting myself), this generally lasts a couple of days and then I go back to feeling great. I cant understand. When I go to the doctor Im usually over the worst of it so I get an 'you seem fine' I dont feel I have control over my reactions, it just overwhelms me. Im terrified because I have some big decisions to make at the moment, and I feel paralized with fear of my reactions if i make the wrong decision. It is starting to effect my life, and my relationship and I just dont know what to do?

Kell

rollercoaster75 wrote:

I dont feel I have control over my reactions, it just overwhelms me.

Your therapist/doctor musnt be very good. If you have been going for years you should be able to spot the rushes of negativity that cause an episode. Next time bad news etc comes your way, consciously ask yourself how you want to feel about it rather than just "letting" yourself get down.

Everything is a choice. Remember that and start practising it. You dont have to give into to making the wrong choices all the time.

K-

LegacyUser

Kell wrote:

Your therapist/doctor musnt be very good.-

Well you're right there, there is also a family history of mental illness. However I think Im equally to blame, given my family history and the torture we've gone through with some members of my family and I often dont admit to most of whats going. Only when I feel things are getting out of control do I go to the doctor, and then I tend to down play everything 2nd/3rd visit because I dont want to be like those family members, if that makes sense?

Kell wrote:

Everything is a choice. Remember that and start practising it. You dont have to give into to making the wrong choices all the time.

K-

I know, I do try but not hard enough I guess. Im 24 now, and I really think I shouldnt feel like this anymore. I do try and make the right choice, but when I slip, I just hate myself so much for it ... and then Im back to square one

Kell

rollercoaster75 wrote:

the torture we've gone through with some members of my family and I often dont admit to most of whats going. Only when I feel things are getting out of control do I go to the doctor, and then I tend to down play everything 2nd/3rd visit

Ah- therapy when you dont reveal the truth warts n all is no use to you. None. You need to literally drop all of your baggage on the floor and say "now please sift through that and help me sort it out please".

Given that family issues are alive and well, I take it you live at home?

K-

Victor

rollercoaster75 wrote:

However I think Im equally to blame

Blame can be such a harsh word.

Could you try this exercise? Whenever you feel emotional, write down why you feel emotional. Carry a little notebook and a pen.

What ever about breaking things (please only do it to the cheap ones or the already broken crockery), it is neither appropriate nor acceptable to hurt yourself or other people. If you feel like breaking something, go into the garden (or park, whatever) and just do some ranting / raving.

tbh

have a look on the LTI forum, there's been some discussions on this recently - maybe you can learn from the experiences of others. Link in my sig.

LegacyUser

'

Kell wrote:

Ah- therapy when you dont reveal the truth warts n all is no use to you. None. You need to literally drop all of your baggage on the floor and say "now please sift through that and help me sort it out please".

Given that family issues are alive and well, I take it you live at home?

K-

I recently moved back home. I guess in therapy when its started getting to too close to the truth Id stop going becasue when I thought about what I was saying I realise that I had many of the traits I despised in those members of my family. I guess I fear I will become just like them.'

LegacyUser

'Victor- Ill give it a go. Started running recently might help pump the agression out of me

tbh- Ill go have a look now. Thanks'

tbh

rollercoaster75 wrote:

'

I recently moved back home. I guess in therapy when its started getting to too close to the truth Id stop going becasue when I thought about what I was saying I realise that I had many of the traits I despised in those members of my family. I guess I fear I will become just like them.'

so you need to figure out how to avoid that, and a councilor can help, but only if they know it's a problem. BTW, you can post anonymously on LTI as well.

Kell

rollercoaster75 wrote:

I recently moved back home.

Did you absolutely have to out of financial worries or some other reason. My point being, that try as much as possible to distance yourself from either the source or part of your problem. At the end of the day, its you that matters most but you need to be in a frame of mind and a space that is away from the sources of your issues.

If you can, get out of home.

K-