Worst experience with no-where to 'go'

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You all know the situation, a nice log has been brewing for a while, but suddenly it wants out, and NOW!

My own was at a wedding recently, I had been on the tear the previous, the whole Guinness/Bulmers mix, then a nice Iskanders afterwards. I had to get up early to travel to the wedding, so it was a quick shower then head off in the taxi to the church.

I knew at some stage I'd need to release the brown trout, but I hadn't gambled on it being so soon. I was still half cut anyway, so my judgement was a bit skewed.

About halfway through the prayers of the faithful I felt the first rumble and cramp. I know the person in the pew in front heard the rumble, but I just clenched my teeth and held on. The cramp passed and I thought I was out of the woods. No chance. The second rumble was louder, and I think the bride heard it. Cloth was touched, but I was able to engane the sphincter just in time. Deep breaths and a hard grip on the seat in front.

I knew there was at least a forty minute journey to the hotel waiting for me. What could I do?

After communion I legged it outside and ran to the nearest boozer.

"Barman, stick us on a pint" - and headed to the jacks. Dear god, the release.

jester77

Reminds me of my college days... had only one lecture on a Friday morning at 10. Somehow we would all manage to make it in after a hard session on the Thurs night - probably due to the knowledge that we would be going on a session afterwards! So we'd pick our pub and head drinking at 11. I always had a bus to catch at 4 that would take 4 to 5 hours to get home. Even taking a 3:55 pitstop was never enough, 2 hours into the trip I would be doubled over! Getting off the bus was agony, I would be walking like a 90 year old grandma bent over in pain. Off the bus and into the pub for the greatest of reliefs! But like a proper trooper I always went back for more the following week!

The one thing that stuck out about that trip which I though was quite ironic was being absolutely parched, tongue stuck to roof of mouth, but being unable to take a sip of water in fear that I would break the seal

Shiminay

The aul bus trips are the worst alright, it's the only reason you might take a train or fly somewhere.

I've been caught at work (hotel night-manager) on the desk phones hopping and loads of people coming to the desk and me in DIRE need of relief but no one there to let me disappear for 10 mins. It's crippling. And you have to be nice to the punters this is the problem. I wish I could say to them "wait there a second, I'm in dire need of giving birth to this brown snake..."

Kinetic^

There's nothing worse when a "turtle's head" starts touching cloth, can get messy unless you find somewhere quick.

Tom Dunne

Was on holidays in the South of France. Miles from the hotel, lying on the packed beach. I was prairie-dogging to beat the band, so off into the sea with me to release the brown trout.

Problem being, my digestive system is a finely tuned organism, so I am afflicted with floaters. Suffice to say I left the water fairly rapidly for fear of collision.

homerjk

Brothers I point you to my experience already recounted in the laziness thread...

petes

tom dunne wrote:

Was on holidays in the South of France. Miles from the hotel, lying on the packed beach. I was prairie-dogging to beat the band, so off into the sea with me to release the brown trout.

Problem being, my digestive system is a finely tuned organism, so I am afflicted with floaters. Suffice to say I left the water fairly rapidly for fear of collision.

lol

Hagar

Great news Brother Tom, I think I found it. I'll take it back to Ireland with me next month. If it doesn't survive the journey have no fear for I shall replace it with another of equal or greater value.

FlutterinBantam

Aaaah...memories memories.

there I was conducting interviews for internal promotion when the hammering of a "molten brown" at the sphincter door caused me trouble.I knew I couldn't last too long and when I got a tortoise head half way through the final interview,all i could say was "Excuse me please,I need to check your attendance record on the computer" Up like a flash ,into the nearest stall(ladies) empty thank God,unloaded a howitzer like burst of chainfire which practically clouded every bit of white in the pewter!!
Having to exit rapidly with only cursory attention to the star and a liberally smeared set of kex I had to conduct the rest of the interview concious that a fairly acrid stench was coming from my nethers and had the gall to say" Those plumbers!! I told them to clean out those pipes two days ago,they are fizzing up again."

Never so glad to get out of anywhere.

admiralofthefleet

i am responsible for what has become 'the stanley racing incident'. i was in the bookies at lunch a while back and was hanging very bad from the guinness and indian the night before, i got almighty cramps and the devils breath a few times before i couldnt hold it any more and let an almighty fart which made me gag and every punter get stuck in the door trying to escape the stench, it was absolutely foul, you could literally see the paint peel off the walls and sadly i was barred and called a 'dirty bastard' by the old (and now probably dead) woman behind the counter.

Tom Dunne

Hagar wrote:

Great news Brother Tom, I think I found it. I'll take it back to Ireland with me next month. If it doesn't survive the journey have no fear for I shall replace it with another of equal or greater value.

Thank you Brother Hagar, but I must decline your most flatulent offer. For I have now mastered the art of spawning and have taken to generating a new troutly masterpiece at the dawn of each day.

OldmanMondeo

FlutterinBantam wrote:

Aaaah...memories memories.

there I was conducting interviews for internal promotion when the hammering of a "molten brown" at the sphincter door caused me trouble.I knew I couldn't last too long and when I got a tortoise head half way through the final interview,all i could say was "Excuse me please,I need to check your attendance record on the computer" Up like a flash ,into the nearest stall(ladies) empty thank God,unloaded a howitzer like burst of chainfire which practically clouded every bit of white in the pewter!!
Having to exit rapidly with only cursory attention to the star and a liberally smeared set of kex I had to conduct the rest of the interview concious that a fairly acrid stench was coming from my nethers and had the gall to say" Those plumbers!! I told them to clean out those pipes two days ago,they are fizzing up again."

Never so glad to get out of anywhere.

Brother FlutterinBantam, one does hope that you refrained from flushing said creation. Best left for the Wimmin to see what a real one looks and smells like

tamburlaine

It's funny how many different expressions for such a deed are thrown out here - brown trout, touching cloth..hahaha.

petes

I am just glad I am not stuck for somewhere to go today. Ten pints of stout last night and as it stands I have been to the bog three times this morning already.

dr.bollocko

Nice work brother Petes. I just had a spluttery one at work. Mens and womens bathrooms share a wall... A very thin wall. Whilst I proudly and loudly sang my brown baby home, I must say I was almost embarassed in a volume competition with a woman opposite me. Man they can let rip when they know nobody can directly attribute a big nasty ****e to them. Dirty ****ers.

petes

Make that four times this mornig. Thats it, only one thing for it. More stoutage this afternoon!

OldmanMondeo

May I add, the one area that many of us may have been caught, this demon is the M50. How many times have you left your house, work etc, accessed the M50 only to feel the faint but not to distent moans from the Trout factory and you know, Brothers, that it will be another 90 minutes before you get to you exit. Sitting in the one position not be able to keep the Security Doors sealed tightly because of , in the words or Brother Homer J Simpson, Gas Brake Gas Gas Brake Brake Honk Brake Brake Honk. I plead with all my Brothers, please Crap before you Snap.

pclancy

This thread cracked me up. Must share...

The Maynooth-Pearse train a few weeks ago was nearly a place of trouser destruction for me...

Gorgeous spicy tai chilli curry the night before, woke up feeling quite fully brewed but never thought to pay a visit to the porcelain bowl before running for the train. During the brisk walk i felt quite a sense of looseness down below and a gentle fart was very nearly followed through. Then when on the train the wandering shakes of the track made me terrified that it was all on its way out and there was no stopping it. It really did feel like i was going to lose it, huge amount of gas built up behind the offending mass and no matter how much i concentrated on the herald am i couldnt get it out of my head.

Finally we got to pearse and i exploded from one end with last nights chilli and the other end with laughter and delight.

It was damn close though. Did you ever have that situation when you were running through the possible scenario of actually crapping yourself in public? Terrifying.

trout

pclancy wrote:

Did you ever have that situation when you were running through the possible scenario of actually crapping yourself in public? Terrifying.

that's not terrifying ... that's living on the edge that is ... a noble effort

copacetic

Ok Brothers,
This story relates to a friend of mine.

Picture the scene, it's college days. You're broke. A big night out with little to eat except Guinness following cheap cans in friends bedsit. You somehow fluke your way home with some likely lady. You wake up in one of those bedsits in Leinster Square. You know, the ones with the mezzanine level with the bedroom and bathroom. Now, when you awake the young lady is using the facilities which are one layer of plasterboard away, being a lady she is not causing a ruckas but the sound of water on water is as clear as if you were in there with her.

This is when you realise you have at least a 3 flusher coming on. It was a long night on the beer and a longer evening of holding in the flatulence. It has built up into a explosion waiting to happen. You can feel that it will likely take 20-30 mins for the smell to clear. She returns to the bed and is obviously settling in for the morning. What to do? She's cute, there could be potential here. You decide discretion is the better part of valour and depart in a hurry with plans to deposit elsewhere.

Only once out on the street and walking to you realise that time is very limited. Now this was 11 or so years ago, at 10am on a Sunday morning. You may recall that back in the day not a lot was open at this time. You walk and walk, you are heading in the direction of Westmoreland street via Stephens green for the bus home but you know you won't make it. You are walking along the canal when you realise you aren't going to make the city centre which was your last hope. You are really starting to struggle now, you are scoping out likely bushes etc, but it is winter there is very little leaf cover. Where is the nearest park? Iveagh gardens, Stephens green itself? You are sweating, walking funny and almost running in efforts to get somewhere.

Then you see a light. A blue light. Harcourt Terrace garda station. This is an emergency, surely they can help. At the front desk, typically, is a young ban garda. However it is too late for embarrasment. 'I've been caught short' meets with misunderstanding but you persevere.

Eventually an understanding is reached. You can use the prisoner facilities but the door must be kept open. You agree readily. The relief is fantastic although there is a background of laughter to the episode from the station staff.

Such are the trials of guinness drinking. Or at least that's what my friend tells me.

pred racer

The best place for rectum explosions has to be the micky D's on O'Connell st.
(dunno if its still there) the bogs downstairs were the metal type, and the acoustics were fabulous, as my cousin and I found out the morning after another cousins 21st. We were occupying both cubicles, sputtering and laughing uncontrollably:D needless to say any other punter attempting to use the facilities promptly retreated with muttered oaths of "dirty bastards" etc:p

connundrum

copacetic wrote:

This is when you realise you have at least a 3 flusher coming on.

This is the situation for me on most trips to the 'reliever' recently. When I have to go in work I make every other noise so that people can't hear the 2nd and 3rd flush ie. turning on the air dryer, couching a lot etc. Why must I feel ashamed about my extra flushes??

Oh and I hate when on a packed flight, I might get the hankering for a 12 pound hummer. There will always be people waiting when you come out, and then they whisper amongst themselves, and they never believe me when I explain that the smell existed previous to my occupation of the cubicle. Bah :mad:

Will

I love the feeling after said incidents, dropping the kids off at the pool, a truckload!
The feeling of relief, i often feel like i have slept for 12hours after a good deposit. I feel proud too, and often get teary eyed when I must say goodbye.

I got caught short on a 16 hour bus trip from rome. Was hungover from the night before where I was drinking in the streets with people I met from the hostel. Anywho, about 4 hours in I felt the rumble. It was a long, very long trip. Unfortunately the toilet on the bus was out of order. I was considering going in anyway but the overwhelming stench that would follow would make me laugh uncontrollably thus letting people know I was the phantom sh!tter.

It was an unbearable 12 hours, I clenched for all I was worth, thought of happier times, tried to sleep, listened to music but I just couldnt get it out of my mind.
I eventually got home....I dont know how I made it. Needless to say it was one of THE most satisfying encounters I had as I sat on my throne

Green_Martian

I had a close scare the other evening......

I was down in my gf's house, now it does not bother me to go to the throne in her house but her mother was home and there was no chance i was unleashing the beast with her there.

Was having a cup of tea and then the rumble in the jungle was starting......i was starting to get a few cramps and the like, clenching like there was no tomorrow, eventually i said to the gf are you ready to go out??? Needed to get home to my toilet ASAP, of course like all women she took an age to get her jacket and keys, me standing at the front door nearly doubled over in pain shouting once again "Are you ready????".

5 mins later she appeared to be ready, i ran to the car completing a new record for the 100m dash.......Made the 5 min drive, the car was barely stopped and i jumped out and ran for my house......got to the throne just intime and i unleashed the most foul and disgusting present.....the relief was great and if i remember i think i might have been smiling when this happened:p

I was so worried i would not make it, i think i got all the red lights on the way home as well......:p