A.T.C. Funnies

RoundyMooney

Ned78's "Fokker" sig reminded me of the old ATC joke (see below), and prompted me to dig out some funny shtuff that I saved up. Those of us with scanners, or actual radios attached to aircraft can probably come up with some more:

(99% of this is plagiarised from Usenet and bulletin boards, and some artistic license may apply. Still funny though):

O’Hare Approach Control: ‘United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, 3 miles, eastbound.’ United 329: ‘Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this … I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.’

Ground: Tower, just to let you know there appears to be a dead rat inbetween the apron and taxiway charlie

Tower: Have you tried the kiss of life?

G-XXXX: Have you got the wind?

XXXX Radio: Negative. It's my colleague, who's eating a baked potato and beans.

DUB ATIS wrote:

Here is Dublin ATIS information Victor recorded at ..............bla bla bla
.............advise on initial contact that you have listened to information Victor. Operational information for pilots. Munster have won the Heineken Cup by four points.

pprune wrote:

Rather dotty student lost on dual navigation exercise with instructor. Instructor knew position but was waiting to see how said student dealt with the problem. They were north of Cranfield in the UK. They were ex Luton which is well south of Cranfield. Student called Luton Approach, they quickly identified her position and suggested she call Cranfield on xxx.xx. Conversation that followed:

Student: Hello Cranfield.
ATC: Hello
Long pause
ATC: Go on give us a clue.


Another that springs to mind was a PPL at Luton in the circuit having forgotten to call 'downwind'. He remembered when late downwind and said to the tower:

PPL: 'G-xxx was downwind L/H 26, please note the use of the past tense.

And finally overheard in the south of England some years ago a student on a solo navigation exercise and lost. Quite correctly called for assistance:

ATC: Are you India Mike or Victor Mike?
Long pause.
Student: Negative, I am a student pilot.

pprune again wrote:

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

ATC: Previous reports a dead dog on taxiway charlie, advises bear left.
XYZ: Roger we see the dead dog, looking for the bear.

Tower - Be advised dead sheep nwxt the runway
A/C - Roger, will advise our catering

ATC to Big aircraft from Big airline after landing: "Be advised sir that you were slightly to the left of the localiser all the way down the approach."

Big aircraft: "I know. My first officer was slightly to the right"

Remember reading this somewhere from ATC to concorde heading into JFK.

ATC: "ah can you descend 20,000 feet in the next 18 miles."

Speedbird xx: (in very cultured English voice) "dare say I could old boy but I couldn't bring the aircraft with me."

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul reported one exchange. His SR-71 was screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high and its crew were monitoring cockpit chatter as they entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control the SR-71, LA monitored its movement across their scope. The SR-71 crew heard a Cessna ask for a readout of groundspeed.
"90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots," Center answered.
An F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout."
Center (after a slight pause): "525 knots on the ground, Dusty".
The SR-71 realised how ripe a situation this was for one-upmanship: "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"
Center (after a longer than normal pause): "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
No further groundspeed inquiries were heard on that frequency.

In similar vein (airport not stated), an SR-71 crew were listening in on a similar "match this" contest. A Cessna asked to clear to 4000 ft, a corporate jet requested clearance to 12,000, an airliner to 18,000, etc. Finally the SR-71 called ATC.
SR-71: "Request clearance to 80,000 ft"
Tower: "Just how in hell do you plan to get up there?"
SR-71: "Uh Tower, I'm descending to 80,000".

Owen

Some Aircraft Maintenance jokes, oldies, but goodies, P is the complain, S is the answer :

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

RoundyMooney

Some more:

Lost student pilot wrote:

"Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."

Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Motor-glider: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: (looong pause)

"You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."

ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

A deer is on the runway... so...
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

"How far behind traffic are we?"
"Three miles."
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport".

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

Captain Chaos

These are mainly US based civilian ATC and military.

''A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff.''






"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center,we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"





A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war.''




Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

RadioRetro

Variations on a theme. They are good for a chuckle though, thanks!