Dad left an impression on me

LegacyUser

hi everyone, this could turn into quite a long post and at times it may not even make sense so please excuse my ramblings.

to begin and what i think is the crux of my problem is that i am an only child, my dad left b4 i was born. in fact he jumped ship the moment he found out my mum was expecting. i have had no contact with him at all. my mum did write and tell him i was born but he made it perfectly clear that he wanted nothing to do with me and thats the way it has been ever since. i have never met him and to be honest i dont think i would want to meet someone like that. and i dont hink you can miss what you never had.

anyway to bring you up to the present day.............i have never had much luck with relationships. i have nver had a major relationship- i am 26. in fact i have really only had 1 or 2 boyfriends but thats not really why im posting. i never expect anything from guys, i always expect them to let me down in one way or another and they usually do (im not trying to guy bash). the in-joke with my friends is that i will never get married, everyone just kinda sees me as single and by myself. my friends all seem to get guys quite easily, no that they are in serious relationships or anything they just go out on dates and stuff, but im always left sitting by myself.

even if i do meet a guy i always expect the worse, that sooner or later he will go off. dont get me wrong i dont give off bad vibes or anything, its not like im telling them to feck off, i just mean that i know deep down myself that they will. i suppose i put up a barrier cuz i dont want to get hurt but they inevitably go elsewhere before that happens. im not really sure its coming out right. i suppose when i meet a guy im just waiting for him to go elsewhere, im never good enough. i know you will probably say i havent met the right guy and when i do he will stay around and i will work this out but i just think that sometimes it will never get that far.

anyway thanks for reading

Wibbs

xyz26 wrote:

i never expect anything from guys, i always expect them to let me down in one way or another

even if i do meet a guy i always expect the worse, that sooner or later he will go off.

There's the whole problem condensed into two lines. Maybe it's all hippie like* and stuff, but there is a lot of truth in what you put out you'll tend to get back. If you think like that you'll tend to attract the type of men who will do exactly what you expect them too.

In my limited experience I've found people often like to be right rather than happy. The idea you have that they'll always leave, reinforced by your relationship to your dad is to you correct. You will seek out situations to confirm that idea, even when it's wrong. It's more comforting in many ways than acknowledging the idea that in some ways you're wrong. You're friends through no fault of their own may reinforce this way of thinking as they see you agree on some levels. The fact is you know that already. Knowing and admitting it is half the battle. The other fact is, unless you're Buddha pretty much everyone has these attachments to ideas that are true to them and because of that may appear true to others.

Fixing it will be hard, but not impossible. Try to be more open. Easier said than done I grant you. Maybe a stint of counseling might help. Just try to think, even for a second that you're the kind of person who no one in their right mind would want to leave. That last bit is or should be pretty much true for all of us. Realising it is the hard part.



* God I do sound like a hippie and I hate hippies for the record. Even more than Cartman.

King of Kings

xyz26 wrote:

i dont give off bad vibes or anything, its not like im telling them to feck off,

You most certainly do and guys will sense the F off aspect.

xyz26 wrote:

i suppose i put up a barrier cuz i dont want to get hurt but they inevitably go elsewhere before that happens. im not really sure its coming out right. i suppose when i meet a guy im just waiting for him to go elsewhere,

Guy will feel this barrier and probably can't read you to know how you feel. i feel you don't open up to them

Maybe it is to do with your dad but most guys are decent (most of the time )

Wibbs

Oh yea I can pretty much guarantee that there have been blokes in your life that you never noticed that would have never left you. May have even required a banning order to that effect.:D Trawl through Personal Issues and you'll find stories of similar or stories of guys who couldn't tell the women they liked how they felt until it was too late. Chances are you were that soldier. Just a thought.

Deliverance

xyz26 wrote:

hi everyone, this could turn into quite a long post and at times it may not even make sense so please excuse my ramblings.

to begin and what i think is the crux of my problem is that i am an only child, my dad left b4 i was born. in fact he jumped ship the moment he found out my mum was expecting. i have had no contact with him at all. my mum did write and tell him i was born but he made it perfectly clear that he wanted nothing to do with me and thats the way it has been ever since. i have never met him and to be honest i dont think i would want to meet someone like that. and i dont hink you can miss what you never had.

anyway to bring you up to the present day.............i have never had much luck with relationships. i have nver had a major relationship- i am 26. in fact i have really only had 1 or 2 boyfriends but thats not really why im posting. i never expect anything from guys, i always expect them to let me down in one way or another and they usually do (im not trying to guy bash). the in-joke with my friends is that i will never get married, everyone just kinda sees me as single and by myself. my friends all seem to get guys quite easily, no that they are in serious relationships or anything they just go out on dates and stuff, but im always left sitting by myself.

even if i do meet a guy i always expect the worse, that sooner or later he will go off. dont get me wrong i dont give off bad vibes or anything, its not like im telling them to feck off, i just mean that i know deep down myself that they will. i suppose i put up a barrier cuz i dont want to get hurt but they inevitably go elsewhere before that happens. im not really sure its coming out right. i suppose when i meet a guy im just waiting for him to go elsewhere, im never good enough. i know you will probably say i havent met the right guy and when i do he will stay around and i will work this out but i just think that sometimes it will never get that far.

anyway thanks for reading

Have to say that I know where you are coming from, it is kind of like an unwritten law that no one understands unless they have been in the same situation, my dad lost me when I was very young through stupidity and immaturity.

Regardless of the situation it is not good. I believe that the missing parent leaves a niche which is easily filled with insecurities. Sounds simple but it is very complex for the individual concerned. It is almost like a disability, one which must be addressed by others as a consequence, if they understand. Herein lies the 'disability' with regard to relationships.

But like any 'disability' the holder lives the consequences as such and is the holder of the choice: Do I live my life bound to this or do I take it on board, realise it, put it behind me and get on with my life as best I can. Sorry I could say so much more but I will leave it at that.

limklad

OP
Not every lad is like your father. If I treat every woman like my mother then I would be remaining single for the rest of my life. My mother is very manipulating, deceitful, liar, greedy, selfish, control freak, sly, always break her promises etc etc, I could go on. Yet her mother is the complete opposite, a gentle and kind and wonderful woman. They are complete opposites. Do I condemn women for the actions of my mother? Should I expect you a women to betray me or any man. My point is there are those who betrayed you and those who don’t. You expect every man to betray you as your father did. My answer is no. You father made a poor and cowardly choice.
At this stage of your life, you betrayed yourself by deny yourself happiness and using your father as an excuse. Your happiness is your choice and is in your hands.