Can't "pull"

LegacyUser

Right, I've a bit of time on my hands so this will probably end up with a long post.

I'm 20, in college, and at that stage of my life where everything revolves around sex. I'm a good looking guy with a good personality (which is obviously going to sound cocky) but I'm just too shy to approach girls. I actually didn't go to my debs 4 years ago because the girl I was planning on going with was going on holidays and I didn't have the bottle to ask anyone else, not that I knew many girls back then.

I actually attract girls in college but I've never had a conversation with any of them. I know that one girl likes me (she couldn't have made it more obvious) but I purposely gave off the wrong vibes. If only it was so easy to give off the "right" vibes. For example, a very good looking girl that has since left the course asked me how I did as I left an exam. I kind of stuttered and could feel the blood rushing to my face. I just said fine and a talked a bit of rubbish and walked off. There's also a Polish barmaid that worked in my local pub. I never even thought of asking her out when I'm pretty sure she would have went out (a lady friend said she was interested in me).

Last Saturday was the most frustrating as I had a girl actually sitting on my lap in the nightclub and nothing came of it. I know she's from Enniscorthy but that's about it. I didn't act at all shy but I was only out with a guy from college and just turned to him for 5 minutes and she was gone.

Not that it really matters but I've only had sex once, at the age of 17 with my sisters friend. I've probably kissed about 30 girls but not in the last couple of years, all as a kid when I was drinking cans in fields or whatever.

Reading back over this post it looks like my shyness could be making it look like I have an attitude problem which isn't the case at all. I've honestly never even had a serious disagreement with anyone outside of my family. I'm a good listener but not a good chatter.

Anyway, what can I do to help my chances? The only time I've ever got a girl would be when they've approached me or I've been set up with someone. Only posting this thread have I actually realised that. Not once have I approached a girl. How does it usually happen? That's quite a strange question but I don't usually get up on the dance floor. One time in a night club with a friend he actually bought drinks for 2 girls and it couldn't have been easier to get chatting to them and a kiss, nothing more though. That's just not me though and most of my friends now have girlfriends.

Is it just tough luck that I'm a shy guy?

LegacyUser

Wow I wrote a lot of drivel last night. Anyway, I've never in my life approached a girl and never even been in a situation where I felt tempted, at the time. Obviously in a lot of sitatuations I'm regretting not doing so when it's too late. If someone is to go out "on the pull", what do they do different to any other night?

Cheers.

biko

The advice I can give is to mimic others.

It sounds a bit like you're insecure on how to progress through the chatting, touching, kissing and scoring?? You may just need to learn a few tricks from some of your more flirty friends.

Dragan

The first question I would ask is why do you think your quiet? And do you think that’s a bad thing?

All you can be is yourself man, sure you can learn a few tricks and such but never do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy. I see people doing this all the time trying to be "cool and outgoing and popular" and it's just looks clumsy and awkward and needy.

The best thing to do in any given situation is just go for it. If there is a girl that you like, that you can talk to casually then ask her out for drinks maybe?

If your more comfortable letting the girls do the the work then so be it, it's 2007 and they are more than willing to let a chap know when they are interested, but you gotta give them back SOMETHING to let them know your interested in them.

biko

frustrated wrote:

Wow I wrote a lot of drivel last night. Anyway, I've never in my life approached a girl and never even been in a situation where I felt tempted, at the time. Obviously in a lot of sitatuations I'm regretting not doing so when it's too late. If someone is to go out "on the pull", what do they do different to any other night?

Cheers.

For me there is a difference in mindset. When I'm on the pull I will actively flirt with every female I see and engage anyone in conversation. Also my charm-o-meter is working overtime and I drink much less.
When out with the lads (or in a relationship) I usually just have a great time with them and don't actively seek females. If someone engages me I am polite but not interested. But that's me.

Slow Motion

If your not the flirty type don't flirt, it comes across wrong, just be yourself, but maybe you can work on being a little bit less tongue tied and have a few stock items in your repetoir (sp?) and I don't mean cheesy pick up lines, if it's a girl you know, try to find a little about them from their / your friends and use this info as a conversational opener, I am a bit like you in these situations and I find the simplest thing is to get the girl talking about herself (most people like talking about themselves ), and this will give you loads of info to carry on the conversation / or decide your not interested. Usually people prefer a good listener to a good talker. Just make sure you actually do listen and not just nod your head at what seems like the right moment

Kinetic^

It's all about confidence my man, women love a man who's confident.

Dr4gul4

I'm with kenny on this one, it's totally about confidence, my theory is, " whats the worst that can happen" you go to talk to a girl and she's not interested, move on my man, move on. it's that simple, or it's you're loss love, thats always another good one to keep in mind.

Just an FYI but it does get easier as you get older, and of course the more practice you get.

LegacyUser

You sound like me about 4 years ago mate. Im 24 now....out of college 6 months and have a gf of 3+ years. I was a late enough bloomer in the looks department thanks to mid teen acne....so my confidence was hugely affected. Therefore I never really had many female friends through school. I've always been a chatty enough person but was always a bit quite when it came to talkin to the ladies.
Thankfully i sorted my skin problem at 18/19 and things slowly (and i mean slowly) picked up. Since then I'd like to think (not bein cocky) im a tall good lookin athletic guy....and i get my fair share of attention.

I can safely say to this day I have yet to make an actual 'move' on a girl....i've always been lucky enough for either them to make it or else for them to make their interest so obvious that making a move couldnt result in failure (kinda like them comin 90% of the way.....then ill come 10% if you know what i mean).If i've seen a girl i like but dont get too many vibes i wont really pursue it. My gf was pretty forward when when we met so that was grand.

My advice would be to not so much go out at night with 'I gotta pull' on your agenda (even though you clearly want to.....you'll put yourself under too much pressure and more than likely end up with more regrets. Just go out and look to enjoy your nights naturally...and let the nights run their course. I reckon you just gotta be patient. I was and im pretty happy with how i've done so far. Don't start learning off chat up lines (i've known guys who have done this in your position out of desperation and it got them nowhere). Just continue bein yourself....your still only 20 so time is still very much on your side...once your confidence builds you shouldn't have trouble talkin to the ladies

cournioni

There is no question that it is about confidence.

Word of advice op, just bite your lip and try chatting up, even if it gets you nowhere it is still giving you a bit of practice which is what you need. Try not to let being rejected along the way put you off, everyone gets rejected at some stage. I reckon if you do this, you will gradually get better at pulling women.

LegacyUser

There is no question that it is about confidence.

utter cr*p in my opinion. imo a lot of confident guys just come accross as being sleasy.

it all boils down to just biting the bullet trying to chat up a girl once, practice makes perfect. in saying that for the love of god if the girls not interested just cut your losses and leave her alone, theres nothing worse than a guy who wont take a hint.

Is it just tough luck that I'm a shy guy?

i'm a very very shy girl but (not being arrogant) i score WAY more than any of my confident friends

the reason? use the being shy thing to your advantage! sometimes theres nothing more endearing than a shy guy, its cute (in a good way)

also alcohol (in moderation) is your friend. When i go out its my time to relax, stop giving a crap what people think about you for what? 5 hours of your week. just approach a girl that takes your fancy. Have fun, don't put on some act trying to be someone your not. Talk utter sh*te, whatever, you're never gonna see the girl again (unless you want to) what difference does it make what she thinks of you? yes sometimes the girl wont be interested , but so what? its no reflection on you, it happens everyone, dont take it personally.

Victor

Try treating them like human beings and talk to them.

Overheal

Victor wrote:

Try treating them like human beings and talk to them.

Or superheros. Wonder Woman liked being on top.

Scráib

girls view wrote:

I'm a very very shy girl but (not being arrogant) i score WAY more than any of my confident friends

Well in fairness in the general social situation the fella will approach a girl, whereas the girl will rarely approach the fella, so shyness isn't that effective with fellas.

I think its a mental block thing, i.e. you can spend ages being shy and getting nowhere. Then you finally bottle up the courage to chat someone up once. Once you realise its not that bad it becomes easier over time, hence confidence builds.

cournioni

girls view wrote:

utter cr*p in my opinion. imo a lot of confident guys just come accross as being sleasy.

it all boils down to just biting the bullet trying to chat up a girl once, practice makes perfect. in saying that for the love of god if the girls not interested just cut your losses and leave her alone, theres nothing worse than a guy who wont take a hint.

I think you are confusing confidence with sleaze and cockyness. Confidence is part of plucking up the courage to actually go up and speak to girls, which is something which the OP is having problems with. If a guy doesn't have the confidence to go up to a girl then I am afraid that the majority of the time he will go home without pulling anyone. There is of course an odd girl that will go up and start conversation/flirting but that is very very rare.

Confident lads can take the hint. I am confident and I can take a hint whenever I am given one.

girls view wrote:

i'm a very very shy girl but (not being arrogant) i score WAY more than any of my confident friends

the reason? use the being shy thing to your advantage! sometimes theres nothing more endearing than a shy guy, its cute (in a good way)

also alcohol (in moderation) is your friend. When i go out its my time to relax, stop giving a crap what people think about you for what? 5 hours of your week. just approach a girl that takes your fancy. Have fun, don't put on some act trying to be someone your not. Talk utter sh*te, whatever, you're never gonna see the girl again (unless you want to) what difference does it make what she thinks of you? yes sometimes the girl wont be interested , but so what? its no reflection on you, it happens everyone, dont take it personally.

Confidence or shyness doesn't have any effect on whether a girl will pull or not, most lads aren't picky when it comes to confidence in girls. If anything lads fancy shy girls more so than annoying loud girls. And as I said, most girls don't normally have to approach the guy, it is normally the guy who approaches the girl.

ballsofire23

I'll kiss you I'll date you '). It's called very very easy game of matchmaker?
But for heaven's sake, it's a competition.
Being shy at a rock concert if you are performing to entertain the potential(likely) fans, would make the fans say "he's a joke", as the Irish Say.

Silly boys and girls call it shy, it's another term for backstabber. The guy in the dark cornor never says a word, he's sly and calculating and detemines who he should move on. Call me a liar if you want, but shy is sympathy vote?
The cute, silent guy is a particular girls type.
But I'm German girl and I can say German girls don't like silent types at all.
We would say if you tried to charm us "Look, I don't know you. I like you, and would kiss you but I don't know if you are a murderer or not. You never say much, you're too introverted. That's a unsual mating characteristic I don't trust"

See where it gets you? You come across as dishonest. The Polish are similar to us, in mating game I'm afraid yes.
We don't like men who constantly look for compliments off us either.

Women are intuitive and shyness, may not be the problem.
Good luck.

Wibbs

ballsofire23 wrote:

Silly boys and girls call it shy, it's another term for backstabber. The guy in the dark cornor never says a word, he's sly and calculating and detemines who he should move on.

He may be just shy and inexperienced.

The cute, silent guy is a particular girls type.

True.

But I'm German girl and I can say German girls don't like silent types at all.
We would say if you tried to charm us "Look, I don't know you. I like you, and would kiss you but I don't know if you are a murderer or not. You never say much, you're too introverted. That's a unsual mating characteristic I don't trust"

Lucky for the OP he's after Irish birds(with the exception of the Polish woman).

See where it gets you? You come across as dishonest. The Polish are similar to us, in mating game I'm afraid yes.

Apparently only to German and Polish women by that account. So far the introverted guy is possibly a backstabber, calculating and may or may not be a possible murderer? Sheesh that's some intuition going on there. Different strokes I guess. Now if he's in the corner polishing his axe I could see a problem.

Women are intuitive and shyness, may not be the problem.

It could simpler than that. By the OP's account because he has a difficulty and basic fear about chatting to women he may like, he ends up looking like he's not interested. This irritates them and off they go. No intuition required. It would be exactly the same if the OP was a woman acting the same way. It would require a lot of patience on the part of any woman to want to try to get through that.

To the OP, IMHO you've got to come out of your shell. First, try just talking to women you don't have any particular interest in. Not in nightclubs for obvious reasons. Too much pressure. That way the fear should be less and you'll learn to get on as fellow human beings. I guarantee that'll take the fear out of it. Practice makes you better and that is equally true for social situations. I've known people who were very shy, who seeing it wasn't getting them anywhere in general, practiced and tried and tried and tried again. Now they're not shy at all. You never know one of these women could end up being your next girlfriend.

ballsofire23

Wibbs, I'm having an open opinion and mind to the question.
What side am I on? his confidence? No
He appears quite confident to me.

I'm saying that girls are right to reject if they feel suspicious by his attitude of solitude on the Social scene. If he is a truly quite person, he's looking for the wrong type of girl perhaps.
Ted Bundy is a man not all girls can fight off, yet he was a quite lonely type and that's a possiblity today, in every country. And not to be ignored, you must realise that you're attitude is a signal of you're inner personality or the conclealment of the true character so therefore, I would urge the cautious side on quite people who look sleazy and don't say much.
I'm telling the quesionar to be a little more confident which is impossible? yes no? you are not a 0 confidence so exhibit some apparent effort and they may trust you as a masculing figure a little more.
The man at the bar, is expected by the woman to be the dominant character. I doubt many men are expecting women to buy them roses, or buy them drinks. It's called the mating game. And lying down and saying, "i'm not good i'm shy " sounds unusual to me.

Wibbs

ballsofire23 wrote:

Ted Bundy is a man not all girls can fight off, yet he was a quite lonely type and that's a possiblity today, in every country. And not to be ignored, you must realise that you're attitude is a signal of you're inner personality or the conclealment of the true character so therefore, I would urge the cautious side on quite people who look sleazy and don't say much.

Serial killers? Where does that come from. Anyway, Ted Bundy was quite unusual among serial killers in that he was very gregarious and had no trouble approaching women. That's how he abducted most of his victims. Can't quite believe that we're going down the road of serial killer history, when the OP just has a confidence issue with chatting up women he likes and he has the exact opposite problem to Mr. Bundy.

I'm telling the quesionar to be a little more confident which is impossible? yes no? you are not a 0 confidence so exhibit some apparent effort and they may trust you as a masculing figure a little more.

Good advice.

The man at the bar, is expected by the woman to be the dominant character. I doubt many men are expecting women to buy them roses, or buy them drinks. It's called the mating game.

Eh what happened to feminism. While men are often the instigators, women do fill that role too. Maybe not as obviously, but the OP's experience of a woman sitting on his lap is a good example. As for buying drink? If she didn't, I wouldn't be the happiest. I would expect it. this isn't the 50's after all.

And lying down and saying, "i'm not good i'm shy " sounds unusual to me.

It's not unusual at all. many men(and women) suffer from feelings of social exclusion on all levels and indeed to different degrees at different times. It's part and parcel of the human social condition for many. It will get better OP. Get out there and practice*.



*So long as you don't have a need for human heads in the fridge

ballsofire23

Wibbs wrote:

Serial killers? Where does that come from. Anyway, Ted Bundy was quite unusual among serial killers in that he was very gregarious and had no trouble approaching women. That's how he abducted most of his victims. Can't quite believe that we're going down the road of serial killer history, when the OP just has a confidence issue with chatting up women he likes and he has the exact opposite problem to Mr. Bundy.
Good advice.
Eh what happened to feminism. While men are often the instigators, women do fill that role too. Maybe not as obviously, but the OP's experience of a woman sitting on his lap is a good example. As for buying drink? If she didn't, I wouldn't be the happiest. I would expect it. this isn't the 50's after all. It's not unusual at all. many men(and women) suffer from feelings of social exclusion on all levels and indeed to different degrees at different times. It's part and parcel of the human social condition for many. It will get better OP. Get out there and practice*.



*So long as you don't have a need for human heads in the fridge

I've raised my family.
I've beaten many struggles in my life.
You are 24 or whatever age you are.

You are flesh in life, nothing else, when u die u feed the soil. That's life. It boils down to 0.
So really, I don't want to discuss this anymore. Ok. Please?

Oh and I know more about the mating game than you do. I've been here to see my 2 sons and 1 daughter go through the mating game with enough hearache and also 2marriage where 1 man left me and he would post similar to you Wibbs. A very "i'm always right" type.

So enjoy.

louisecm

girls view wrote:

utter cr*p in my opinion. imo a lot of confident guys just come accross as being sleasy.

Theres a difference between confidence and arrogance, and while shy works for lots of girls it doesn't work the same way for men I don't think.

A shy man needs a good wingman - I suggest you team up with one of your more experienced mates and approach girls in pairs. I'm telling you, many's a girl has become interested in the "strong silent friend". This will also be good in terms of seeing how he operates and what works and what doesn't. Good luck and remember most girls are just as scared as you are!