Trying to break up with boyfriend for 4 months!

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I've come to boards for advice on various issues over the past while and hopefully there will be someone who will help me on this one.

I have been seeing a guy for 8 months now but have been trying to break up with him for the last 4 months. It is getting really frustrating. He is a very nice guy and I am a nice person too and don't like to upset set him too much. Each time I tell him I don't to see him again he crys, or spends hours on the phone trying to convince me not to 'throw him away'. I usually give in. I have tried shouting at him, being nice to him, telling him all the things I don't like about him. I even tried just not answering his texts and calls (for up to 2 months) but he persisted so much I ended up replying to try to tell him to leave me alone. Of course once he had engaged me in a conversation, that was it, back to square one again. There is no harm in him. He is just immature and madly in love with me. I'm not boasting about this but I know this is why he is finding it hard to let me go.

Can anyone help me on this. I am at my wits end as to know what to do. I know he won't do himself harm if we ever do break up (properly) but he will be miserable for a long time but this whole situation is making me miserable too.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Nehpets

Punch him in the balls... he won't appreciate that.

EDIT: Actually I don't condone violence.

I've been thinking about it and the best idea is to either join a club or go travelling.

dudara

Nephets - you should know better.

dudara.

copacetic

you are doing him no favours, tell him it is all over and then don't have any more to do with him. How can he engage you in conversation and then you are back to square one? You aren't being nice to him you are just dragging out the pain for him. Meet him, tell him face to face that it is all over and you want nothing to do with him anymore. It might seem mean but will be much better for him in the end.

cornbb

Misery will be inevitable, unfortunately, but you are just prolonging/delaying the misery. The sooner you break up, the sooner the healing can begin. I'm sure you'll understand this and you must make him understand it too. Grit your teeth, break up with him, and stick to your guns.

Stench Blossoms

I was stuck in the same situation for about a year. Emotion blackmail. Constant crying and begging to try again.

I eventually lied to him and told him i slept with a complete randomer I met in a nightclub and that I didn't feel guilty at all about it.

He got the hint.

easyontheeye

orla wrote:

I was stuck in the same situation for about a year. Emotion blackmail. Constant crying and begging to try again.

I eventually lied to him and told him i slept with a complete randomer I met in a nightclub and that I didn't feel guilty at all about it.

He got the hint.

was just about to post the same...but paint a picture to him...make it graphic!! he'll never go near ya again

5starpool

He sounds way too clingy. Learn how to say no to him and mean it. Changing your answer and giving in does neither of ye any favours.

~Rebel~

Typedef him.

Haven't seen it in a long time but it gets the job done!

Raskolnikov

Umm, I'm sorry but some of the aforementioned advice is awful. I mean, to tell someone who's besotted with you that you slept with a stranger? He may be a clingy sap but he doesn't deserve that! From the sounds of it anyway, he would still come crawling back despite that.

It's a simple case where Unreg909 needs to develop a spine and stick to her guns. Tell him one more time, in no uncertain terms that the relationship with him is finished. Delete his phone numbers from your phone, pack everything he ever gave you and leave it in a box at his door. You don't have to explain your actions, but make it clear that if he tries to contact you, you will call the police. If that doesn't get him off your back, then actually call the police and claim harrassment. If a visit form the police doesn't get him to stop, then I don't know what you're going to do.

cold_filter

in a similar situation with a ex of mine a few years back, i didnt want to be with her but everytime i tried to dump her she guilted me into staying with her, if needs be tell him that you've met someone else, or change your mobile number

biko

Tell him you met someone else?
Meet someone else.

dlgal

I was in the same situation a while back which went on for about a year. I would break up with him then he would ring and text and talk me around again. I kept going back because I felt so guilty seeing him as upset as he was, I loved him as a friend but nothing more. I wanted to keep in contact and stay as friends but he kept wanting more. So my advise would be to tell him out straight that it is over, there is no need to be nasty but you have to be firm. Cut all contact, as another poster said delete his number from your phone and it would probably be a good idea to advise him to do the same. Chances are he will probably still try to contact you but by not responding you will be doing both of you a big favour. Looking back on it now i realise how much easier it would have been on both him and on me if I had of stuck to my guns at the start as when it was finally over I realised just how miserable that year had been for both of us.

b3t4

This is one of the situations where you have to be cruel to be kind.

Bite the bullet, break up with him and break contact completely.

By doing the above you are in fact being nice.

A.

Sleepy

biko wrote:

Tell him you met someone else?
Meet someone else.

QFT

Fanny Cradock

orla wrote:

I was stuck in the same situation for about a year. Emotion blackmail. Constant crying and begging to try again.

I eventually lied to him and told him i slept with a complete randomer I met in a nightclub and that I didn't feel guilty at all about it.

He got the hint.

That's a fantastic idea!!!!!!eleven! Drag your own name through the mud and tell someone a horrible lie because you are too week to tell the truth. You go girl!

copacetic

Fanny Cradock wrote:

That's a fantastic idea!!!!!!eleven! Drag your own name through the mud and tell someone a horrible lie because you are too week to tell the truth. You go girl!

well said.

Kell

~Rebel~ wrote:

Typedef him.

Haven't seen it in a long time but it gets the job done!

Best advice yet. For those not in the know, Typedef'ing is the tell the offending person that not only have you slept with someone, but that someone is the persons brother, cousin etc.

Seriously though, OP you said that you always cave in. Its your problem then. You are to blame. Advice?

Ignore calls, ignore texts, ignore emails. Thats it. Or if you want to take it a step further, tell him you'll call the cops (and do it) if he calls you again. They fúck off pretty sharply after that. You owe him nothing. Give him nothing.

K-

Wossack

Just actually break up with him. Stick to your guns woman!

Wibbs

I think at this stage you've gotten the gist of what your next move should be(avoiding the "I've slept with someone else" route IMHO). You're only hurting each other at this stage.

Maybe it's just the sap in me but I feel sorry for the bloke as well tbh. Maybe he's a sap, maybe not, but you're giving him mixed signals here. You say you want to break up, yet one conversation with him and you're back on? That's sending him the clear signal that you want to be with him at the end of the day. You're rewarding his thinking. That would wreck anyone's head, especially if he's in love with you and he's lacking in experience of these things. In fact the excuse that you're trying to be nice doesn't ring true if you honestly look at what you're doing.

It's not your fault he's in love with you. It is your fault if you make him hurt any more over this. You have to break up with him. Tell him it's over and no let's be friends crap. It may to him be an even bigger slap in the face. That will not work in this case and certainly not in the short term as it'll only give him hope(which you've reinforced in the past).

Break all contact. Grow a pair, actually make a decision and ignore the guy. He deserves someone who actually wants to be with him and so do you. Continuing like this robs both of you of that chance.

Just my two cents.

vorbis

I even tried just not answering his texts and calls (for up to 2 months)

Am I the only one to notice this? Thats quite a long time to persist without contact from you. Have ye got any mutual friends you could have a word with? He sounds completely obsessed. The "I've met someone else" line might work to get him off your back.

Wibbs

I did notice and it's a bit worrying if it's as described. I think that if the OP clearly and definitely breaks up with him, he will get the message though.

Stench Blossoms

Fanny Cradock wrote:

That's a fantastic idea!!!!!!eleven! Drag your own name through the mud and tell someone a horrible lie because you are too week to tell the truth. You go girl!

Too weak to tell the truth? I told him numerous times i didn't want to be with him but he just didn't get the idea. Believe me it was my last hope, i had tried everything else. At one point i told him it was over, never wanted to see him and again, changed my number and he still didn't get the hint.

...and for anyone else who thinks the same as Fanny Cradock, try being in a relationship with someone who has serious issues and won't let you go and then get back to me.

Marksie

orla wrote:

...and for anyone else who thinks the same as Fanny Cradock, try being in a relationship with someone who has serious issues and won't let you go and then get back to me.

.. i took the expedient of saying if you will not leave me alone i will go to court and get a restraining order. You are stalking me.

Stench Blossoms

marksuttonie wrote:

.. i took the expedient of saying if you will not leave me alone i will go to court and get a restraining order. You are stalking me.

Have you ever had someone down on their knees crying begging and pleading with you to stay with them?

Wibbs

orla wrote:

Have you ever had someone down on their knees crying begging and pleading with you to stay with them?

Very difficult, but you have to realise that you are hurting him more by staying with him. You're actively making it worse for the pair of you by not expressing the truth of the end.

Also from what the OP wrote this isn't exactly a marriage or running into years kind of thing, shared future kind of thing. It's essentially a four month affair that by her (natural) reticence to properly split has given this guy four extra months of hope and torment.

Forget him and his issues for the moment, it's given the OP four extra months of grief. If she had told him to bugger off properly 4 months ago, the chances are good he would be a lot further along the road to being chilled out or even in a healthier relationship. If she had finished properly rather than dragging it out for the pair of them and giving him false hope(a worse crime in my humble)she would likely be here giving advice rather than be in the position of having to look for it.

I'm sorry OP if I sounded harsh, but by rewarding his behaviour(and in a way your own) it's going to hurt both of you for longer.

LegacyUser

'OP just tell him that this is the last time you will tell him it's over and he'll need to respect your decision and not contact you again or you'll have to contact the police. He probably won't believe you and will continue to contact you but you've given him a warning so then just go ahead and contact the police about him. I had to do this recently and I've not heard a word from my ex since. It works!'

BeardyGit

orla wrote:

Have you ever had someone down on their knees crying begging and pleading with you to stay with them?

Yep. I'll tell you something - that was the final nail in their coffin too.

Sorry to be so blunt but what do you expect right now? Do you actually think you can find a way to ease his pain? A way that will mean less hassle for you? A way that will make all of this just go away? Well kiddo, there's no quick fix for you now. You blew your chance when you opened that door just a little bit - That crack of hope you left for him instead of just shutting him out altogether. FFS, he begged you. Why'd you give him any hope after that? Jeez, like you would EVER respect him afterwards.

He never stood a chance. Pity you didn't show him some swift mercy and become the ice queen the first time you decided enough was enough. No, instead you toyed with that helpless wretch. Didn't he make you feel kind of sick, emasculating himself there on the floor, a blubbering teary eyed mess of quasi-manhood. A flacid example of the modern man, sensitive and mostly useless?

You need to decide how you're going to break his heart in such a way he's going to have no interest in you once you're done. Will it make you feel bad? I guess it will. Probably. Is it necessary to really hurt him? You bet. Just knuckle down, decide you're going to be an A+ bitch, and hurt him. Tell him things that will make him feel so rotten he'll be emotionally scarred afterwards. Don't feel bad about it - That's HIS job. You need to put that idiot on an even keel after the mess you've made of him. Hurt him like you utterly hate him and leave him numb, without any idea where it all went wrong.

He'll spend years wondering what he could have done to 'fix' things, what did he do to deserve it, how could you treat him like that. He'll be tormented most likely, and certainly won't go near another relationship for quite some time. And it'll all be your fault.

Then some day in the future, he'll realise it was for the best. He'll understand that it's not that HE caused all of it, but that YOU just didn't stop it. He'll see that you did nothing more than encourage his begging, whining, whimpering and utterly pathetic attempt to recover a doomed relationship. He'll learn to attribute the blame to you for being just as flawed in your approach to the relationship as he was.

And out of that, he'll rise a stonger, more determined, worldly wise man - Ready to give his all to a relationship where someone like you will NEVER again screw with his shít......

Do it. Hurt him like he just burned your new heels. Make him a better man.....

And when it's all done with, he'll thank you for it, and you'll hopefully never again mess with an emotionally immature man. You're paying the price for not getting it right first time - You won't do it again I'm sure.

copacetic

Gil_Dub wrote:

Yep. I'll tell you something - that was the final nail in their coffin too.

Sorry to be so blunt but what do you expect right now? Do you actually think you can find a way to ease his pain? A way that will mean less hassle for you? A way that will make all of this just go away? Well kiddo, there's no quick fix for you now. You blew your chance when you opened that door just a little bit - That crack of hope you left for him instead of just shutting him out altogether. FFS, he begged you. Why'd you give him any hope after that? Jeez, like you would EVER respect him afterwards.

He never stood a chance. Pity you didn't show him some swift mercy and become the ice queen the first time you decided enough was enough. No, instead you toyed with that helpless wretch. Didn't he make you feel kind of sick, emasculating himself there on the floor, a blubbering teary eyed mess of quasi-manhood. A flacid example of the modern man, sensitive and mostly useless?

You need to decide how you're going to break his heart in such a way he's going to have no interest in you once you're done. Will it make you feel bad? I guess it will. Probably. Is it necessary to really hurt him? You bet. Just knuckle down, decide you're going to be an A+ bitch, and hurt him. Tell him things that will make him feel so rotten he'll be emotionally scarred afterwards. Don't feel bad about it - That's HIS job. You need to put that idiot on an even keel after the mess you've made of him. Hurt him like you utterly hate him and leave him numb, without any idea where it all went wrong.

He'll spend years wondering what he could have done to 'fix' things, what did he do to deserve it, how could you treat him like that. He'll be tormented most likely, and certainly won't go near another relationship for quite some time. And it'll all be your fault.

Then some day in the future, he'll realise it was for the best. He'll understand that it's not that HE caused all of it, but that YOU just didn't stop it. He'll see that you did nothing more than encourage his begging, whining, whimpering and utterly pathetic attempt to recover a doomed relationship. He'll learn to attribute the blame to you for being just as flawed in your approach to the relationship as he was.

And out of that, he'll rise a stonger, more determined, worldly wise man - Ready to give his all to a relationship where someone like you will NEVER again screw with his shít......

Do it. Hurt him like he just burned your new heels. Make him a better man.....

And when it's all done with, he'll thank you for it, and you'll hopefully never again mess with an emotionally immature man. You're paying the price for not getting it right first time - You won't do it again I'm sure.

this is the sh1t we need on boards. best post ever. is there a way to subscribe to everything Gil says?

ZiabR

daveym wrote:

you are doing him no favours, tell him it is all over and then don't have any more to do with him. How can he engage you in conversation and then you are back to square one? You aren't being nice to him you are just dragging out the pain for him. Meet him, tell him face to face that it is all over and you want nothing to do with him anymore. It might seem mean but will be much better for him in the end.

Hit the nail on the head with that comment. I agree with this 100%. You just need to be stronger with him and tell him once and for all it is over. By dragging it out you are for (1) making it more painful for him and (2) driving yourself mad.

Trinity

orla wrote:

Have you ever had someone down on their knees crying begging and pleading with you to stay with them?

I had a guy who stuck his head in the oven everytime i said it was over :eek:

Well he never did it, 14 years later hes still alive and kicking and it took me almost 4 years to get away from the most manipulating, obsessive, possessive, dangerously unstable man i ever met!

OP i know its not easy but a swift sharp break is the best way. You are wasting not only your time but his. He'll get over it trust me. Ignore him then.

Floppybits

I have to say I feel for the poor girl and the reason why is that at one stage in my life I was that pitiful bloke crying on my knees because a girlfriend broke up with me. When I think back about it now I cringe saying what a silly twat I was. Anyway in the end the girl just told me F**k off and get a life, which is exactly what I did after a few weeks of feeling sorry for myself. The thing is that I didnt contact her again and I tell ya I am stronger for it and glad it happened to me because of some other things that have happened in my life since then.

So my advice to you is to be cruel to be kind. You are doing the guy no favours by getting back with him when he crys or acts all pitiful. Just tell him that its over and thats he should just get on with his life. It will take a while but he will leave you alone, you just have to be strong and not answer any texts or phone calls from him. It has to be done because it seems this guy isnt going to move on if he thinks you will come back each time he sheds a tear.