Guy friend->boyfriend->ex-> help!! he's being horrible to me...

White Spider

Sorry about the length...

I was really close friends with a guy for almost 3 years. We'll call him JOHN. We're in the same class+ used to go out at night together...concerts etc... we even studied abroad together. Alot of good times. So anyway, last april, he asked me out. I liked him for ages, so was delighted. It was his first ever relationship+ he ended things with me after 3 months. Ok... I'm not sure if you'll believe this.. but I was completely fine with it. I really was. I understood that he just had stopped liking me as more than as a friend. I didn't blame him or anything (anytime anyone called him something for breaking up with me, I defended him!..saying it wasn't anyone's fault etc...). I found it rather easy to go back to being just friends. I was hanging out at his house the next week and everything. I was SO delighted that the friendship hadn't got messed up... how wrong was I... about hanging out at his house... he found that too soon... etc.. fair enough...

+ I was never ever mad at him for breaking up with me... the only thing I confronted him about (months later) was why he was ignoring me etc... (making me feel rubbish.. if he invited the other really close guy friend I used to hang around with out every weekend+ leave me out+ that friend wouldn't ask me..as he thought it would be awkward for John...)

Now it's almost a year later and +I am going out with such a great guy since September. John is still being odd with me+ is really cold towards me. This guy was one of my closest friends. I emailed him asking what the problem is+ he won't tell me. He makes me feel so bad, when I'm in the same room as him (we're still in the same class+ always the same room). I cannot understand why he can't have the decency to tell me what his problem is with me. + On top of this, when we broke up... the other close guy friend+ me have become totally distanced now... as I used to discuss the whole matter of 'why is John STILL not able to be cool with things.. he's the one who broke up with me' sort of way. I mean, usually isn't it the person who gets dumped has the problem of being just friends?.

I just wish he'd say something to me... even if it's 'get lost!!! I hate you!!!'. Lol. Anything... as I'm still SOO confused. It's still totally haunting me, as he won't give me a reason for his behaviour.

A few conclusions I've come to include:
-He finds the whole thing uncomfortable...+ never wants to speak to me again.. which would be fine, if he just told me
-He just cannot see me as a friend anymore...
-He was pissed I didn't really care too much we broke up in the first place
-He's totally jealous that I've moved on (actually he did get extra odd in Sep when I started going out with my bf+one of his good friends even told him to be more of a man about things)
-he feels really guilty for hurting me and doesn't know how to deal with it, so he blocks it out (in 1st year, someone told him that I liked him+ he didn't speak to me for months+ he told me after we started talking again that he felt unbelievably bad for hurting me like that)
-Many more I'm sure...

The other day it was just him+ me in college. I asked him why he wasn't making any effort to be friends anymore+ he sniggered!!. He's 24. Surely he can't be that immature. + I usually never cry, but this time, I had tears coming out of my eyes, as he made me feel so bad (I had been there SO much for him over the last few years when he was going through tough times...+ he just has turned his back on me). He can see how much he's hurting me by his behaviour, but still won't give me any explanation. Does anyone know how on earth I can get any sort of peace from this or how I can get him to talk???

I don't like there to be any sort of badness between me+ anyone... and if he ever knew me, he'd know that... so I do think he knows how much he's hurting me right now by his behaviour. It's even affecting my work.

Thanks for reading....

PeakOutput

first of all i know this prob wont help you but F**k him he is clearly an immature p***k

i just broke up with my long term gf and we are still friends so i know how hard it is to imagine and see your x's with other people but you gotta be mature about things and work threw the awkwardness and if he is not willing to try that then he is not worth the ffort either to be honest

you can cut him sum slack as you say it was his first relationship but he cant keep doing it to the rest of his girlfriends so you might gta use sum tough love and forget about him be a bitch to him and he will realise he was an idiot

Overheal

I wonder if the whole friends-next-day thing ruined it? IMO maybe you could have gone on a complete break for a while until you ran into eachother by coincidence (as Im sure wouldve happened sooner rather than later?)

Then again, I could just be talking ****e: For the present it doesnt sound like its working to confront him about it: you might have to just forget about him, and if he's ready to be friends again he'll be the one to say something first. But when/if he does make damn sure you give him space and ease him back into the old friend routine: same goes for any friendship imho

Jumpy

PeakOutput wrote:

First of all I know this probably wont help you but F**k him, he is clearly an immature p***k

I just broke up with my long term girlfriend and we are still friends so i know how hard it is to imagine and see your ex's with other people, but you gotta be mature about things and work through the awkwardness and if he is not willing to try that then he is not worth the effort either to be honest.

(unintelligble) ... forget about him, be a bitch to him and he will realise he was an idiot

Slightly edited so it becomes readable, but I (generally) agree with PeakOutput here.

Ignore him, and don't ever let him see he's gotten to you like that. Don't nod hello to him if you see him unless he does first and you're being polite. If he does talk to you, be just as cold back.
Sounds immature, doesn't know how to deal with first relationship breaking up and so has reverted to being 15. Forget him. He doesn't think your old friendship was worth anything, so leave it.

jdivision

If it was his first relationship then he probably is that immature emotionally. I'd move on, when he grows up a bit on the emotional side then maybe you can be friends again. til then I'd worry about it as little as possible, the problem's on his side.

r3nu4l

OP you're obviously a caring person who cares about what people think of you.

As he appears to be immature, perhaps he is mad that you got over him so fast and this is eating him up?

you cannot know what is going on in your ex-friends head, there could be hundreds of reasons why he is being the way he is and perhaps he enjoys the fact that you seem to care so much about this and is exploiting that fact to punish you!

It just seems like mind games and immaturity to me. You're good enough to care about his feelings so he attacks that 'weak' spot.
Try to have it out with him in front of some friends and see what he has to say for himself in a group situation.

White Spider

bluewolf wrote:

Ignore him, and don't ever let him see he's gotten to you like that. Don't nod hello to him if you see him unless he does first and you're being polite. If he does talk to you, be just as cold back.
Sounds immature, doesn't know how to deal with first relationship breaking up and so has reverted to being 15. Forget him. He doesn't think your old friendship was worth anything, so leave it.

Thanks, but I couldn't possibly do that... tried if for a few days... but felt bad so started initiating conversations again etc.

So anyway, he replied to an email I sent him.. asking why he was behaving the way he was. He said that it was 'time to move on from being friends' and he cannot be friends with me as we've gone out (it was only for 3 months... this is a 3 year friendship that's being thrown away). It's just a really stupid situation. I CANNOT believe that he has just cast me aside. I never did anything bad to him+ I really can honestly say I was a very good friend to him. So, that's over now I guess. Hm. He reminds me of one of those dementor things from Harry potter....we're in class in the same room now+ all positive energy just gets seeped out of me because of him...

I don't know whether to reply+ give him a bit of an earful. I'd love to. In the short email he sent he said that there was 'no badness between us+ he'll try not to ignore me in college...'.. wow, that's big of him. I just wish he could have told me that he couldn't go back to being friends ages ago... as he knew it was wrecking my head all this time.
+ a lecturor formed a committee thing consisting of him, me+ another person. WTF!... how can I work with him when he's being like this!! The lecturor is going to want to know why I'm dropping off it. Grrrr.
Sorry+ thank you for your replies.

White Spider

White Spider wrote:

Thanks, but I couldn't possibly do that... tried if for a few days... but felt bad so started initiating conversations again etc.

So anyway, he replied to an email I sent him.. asking why he was behaving the way he was. He said that it was 'time to move on from being friends' and he cannot be friends with me as we've gone out (it was only for 3 months... this is a 3 year friendship that's being thrown away). It's just a really stupid situation. I CANNOT believe that he has just cast me aside. I never did anything bad to him+ I really can honestly say I was a very good friend to him. So, that's over now I guess. Hm. He reminds me of one of those dementor things from Harry potter....we're in class in the same room now+ all positive energy just gets seeped out of me because of him...

I don't know whether to reply+ give him a bit of an earful. I'd love to. In the short email he sent he said that there was 'no badness between us+ he'll try not to ignore me in college...'.. wow, that's big of him. I just wish he could have told me that he couldn't go back to being friends ages ago... as he knew it was wrecking my head all this time.
+ a lecturor formed a committee thing consisting of him, me+ another person. WTF!... how can I work with him when he's being like this!! The lecturor is going to want to know why I'm dropping off it. Grrrr.
Sorry+ thank you for your replies.

If you admit that it's over, stop trying to be anything more than polite to him, seriously. If you absolutely have to work with him, be civil and polite and not a drop more to get the job done. Say hello, but stop initiating personal conversations or you'll just keep frustrating yourself forever.

He's not going to cop on unless you give him space and leave him alone for a while, and even then he still might not. Maybe he's genuniely just not interested in being friends and this is his way of showing.
I know it's hard to understand, but I guess some people just are that way, and I very seriously doubt you're going to get a nice resolution to any of this.

Caliden

Looks like his true colours came through as an immature child. Too bad about your other friend though.
Perhaps you could try organise going out with this other friend and leave john out of the loop for once.
To be honest I would drop all communication with John and try become friends again with your other friend before you end up losing 2 good friends.

cornbb

Relationships between friends can be great but as you've demonstrated they have the potential to turn ugly. Some people can deal with the aftermath of something like that a lot more easily than others. "John" is a weak and petty individual. You've lost a friend, but through no fault of your own. Move on, forget about him and take solace from the fact that you made the effort and tried to do the right thing all along. Maybe someday he will come crawling back, looking to repair your friendship, but there's nothing more you can do about it in the meantime.