How do I get what I want?

LegacyUser

This is such a long story but i'll try and shorten it.
Basically, i'm stuck in the middle of two guys. One of whom i've known for quite some time and fell for him the minute i saw him, we'll call him joe. I've known the other for a little longer but not as well; harry.
I told joe how i felt a while back but he didn't tell me how he felt so i assumed the it wasn't mutual.
I met harry out one night about a month ago and he told me that he liked me and i thought i felt the same so we got together that night.
During the time of me telling him how I felt and about 2 weeks ago joe has really kept his distance from me. We used to go out for a drink together all the time but that stopped when i told him.
2 weeks ago harry told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. We went out that night and we met joe in a nite-club. He looked a little shocked to see me all of a sudden with this guy but as soon as i saw joe i instantly felt the need to hide the fact that i was with harry. (i know that is terrible i didn't even realise i was doing it)
i met joe the next day and he was quite inquisitive as to who this new guy was, straight away i put it down to being nothing. i described it as being a "long story" but said it was nothing.
For the next week then joe started making contact again texts and nights out together. he seems to be making more effort now that he knows i won't be available forever.

im sorry for ranting on and thanks to anyone who's still reading, nearly there!

i guess i just don't know what to do about either one of them.

harry, the nice guy who's telling me he'll wait for me if i need space but isn't a patch on joe in my eyes. and i don't know how to tell him i don't want him, if that's what i decide
or joe, the one who is perfect for me in every way in my eyes. but i don't know how he feels. do i forget him and try with harry, or do i press him to tell me how he feels?

any advice would be greatly appreciated, my head is melted with this whole saga.

kraggy

Conflustered wrote:

but isn't a patch on joe in my eyes.

You've answered your own question.

You cannot go out with someone just cause "they'll do". it's not fair on the person, won't work and therefore not fair on yourself either.

drop harry, play hard to get with joe and you'll get your man.

that is if you really want him.

Faith

As far as I can see, you're just using Harry. You probably don't mean to, but you are. Dump him, no matter what happens with Joe. It's not fair to keep him dangling while you lust after someone else.

To be honest, I'd try and forget about Joe too. Funnily, I was in the very same situation years ago with a guy actually called Joe... Anywho, he wasn't interested until he saw you with someone else. Most likely, he's just miffed because you're not available now. If/when you finish with Harry, Joe will most likely lost interest again.

Find someone else that you like as much as Joe, and who likes you as much as Harry does! Easier said than done, I know...

Miss Fluff

Sounds harsh but Joe is only rearing his ugly (or gorgeous) head now because you are no longer available to him. Guys love an ego boost and its nice for Joe to have a chick on the subs bench who is obviously well into him. The way I see it, he had his chance, you told him how you feel and he didn't reciprocate, too little too late sweetheart, time for relegation. What you are doing with Harry is beyond me, just let him down gently and forget about both.

Beruthiel

Conflustered wrote:

harry, the nice guy who's telling me he'll wait for me if i need space but isn't a patch on joe in my eyes. and i don't know how to tell him i don't want him, if that's what i decide
or joe, the one who is perfect for me in every way in my eyes. but i don't know how he feels. do i forget him and try with harry, or do i press him to tell me how he feels?

Stand back and stop thinking of yourself for a few minutes.
It's quite clear you'd drop Harry like a hot snot if Joe gave the word, so why oh why would you go out of your way to upset someone who's into you by leading him to believe he had a chance?
Apologise to Harry and drop him as gently as you can asap.
If Joe was interested in you in the first place, he would have said so pretty quickly.
Neither man is for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice guys. I'm not trying to hurt harry, i wanted to try with him because he's so nice. But it didn't work i couldn't take my mind off joe. I know i have to let him down gently but every time i try he says something so nice to me and i feel like i just can't do it to him.
You've all put joe in perspective for me. I've been making excuses for him, putting it down to his shyness or lack of experience but i guess you're all right, he just likes to know that id be there if he ever wanted me.

Carrigart Exile

Harry sounds twice the man Joe will ever be, however, you have clearly made your mind up that Joe is the man for you. Might I suggest when some other lucky girl has got Harry and Joe has dumped ypou again don't try and weedle your way in with Harry

louisecm

Conflustered wrote:

Thanks for all the advice guys. I'm not trying to hurt harry, i wanted to try with him because he's so nice. But it didn't work i couldn't take my mind off joe. I know i have to let him down gently but every time i try he says something so nice to me and i feel like i just can't do it to him.
You've all put joe in perspective for me. I've been making excuses for him, putting it down to his shyness or lack of experience but i guess you're all right, he just likes to know that id be there if he ever wanted me.

By putting off ending it with him you are hurting him because a) you're deceiving him and giving him false hope and b) you are potentially depriving him of opportunities to meet someone who thinks he is their "joe".

I stayed in a relationship for a long long time because I wanted to feel the right way about him but if its not right its not right.