Helping a friend with low self-esteem

humanji

Not as major a problem as some of the topics here, but I thought I'd ask for some advice.

I've a friend who, for as long as I've known her, has suffered from low self-esteem and bordering on depression. She's beautiful looking and has an amazing personality, but just to many events in her life, she general keeps to herself and isn't very out going.

She's not a horrifically negative person, and she's great fun to be with, but it worries me that she thinks of herself as worthless.

I've tried silly little things to try and cheer her up from time to time and am always trying to convince her that she's no where near the type of person she thinks she is.

So I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to try and help her feel better about herself? Any ideas at all would be welcome.

Kuz_3040

Your friend is probably finding it difficult to come out of her shell. What i would recommend is getting together with a large group of friends and taking her out and just try and bring her out of her shell as a group because you will have more luck in a large group but make sure that she is the centre of attention throughout the night.

Black Swan

There are no simple quick fixes for people with low self esteem. Whatever course is pursued, you have to be patiently persistant over time if you want to see results. A few ideas, but certainly not exhaustive...

Some enroll in a uni and succesfully complete a course of study, not only improving their occupational mobility, but also how they feel about themselves.

Some take up a sport, work hard at it, compete and occasionally win, demonstrating to themselves that they can be a winner.

Some volunteer for things to improve the welfare or quality of their communities, and see how their contributions can really have impact and improve the lot of others (as well as themselves).

loismustdie

i know it might sound cliche but there are alot of books out there, not self help books as such but if you route around a bookshop you migh find one to help your friend, if she'd be into that sort of thing, it mightn't be everyone's cup of tea but it helped a friend of mine

im_invisible

Kuz_3040 wrote:

...you will have more luck in a large group but make sure that she is the centre of attention throughout the night.

i suffer from low self esteem/ depression, and a night like that would KILL me, first, because if im not feeling the best about myself, the last thing id want is to be in a big group of people, a few friends, maybe, but not a large group.
and second, making sure shes the center of attention??? 'how are you feeling now?' 'what do you want to do now?' 'come on, we'll go dancing(in a HUGE group, cos we all care about you so much)' 'come on, smile, we're supposed to be having fun' etc. etc.

just my two cents

Wibbs

That's a hard one OP. It depends on the age and circumstance of the person. It also depends on the gender too. Sadly the most wonderful women often have these issues and it can be hard to convince them otherwise. I know. I've a few ex girlfriends, who were the most amazing people, who no matter what I tried to tell them and show them, still thought of themselves as somehow lesser. BTW Any cnut who suggests that it was because they were with me gets a fat lip.:D Trust me in most cases it was pure charity on their parts.

I know Oprah et al bang on about self esteem as if it's an endpoint. It's not. The most dangerous people in history were chock full of self esteem. I'm sure Josef Stalin thought he was only deadly and Pol Pot thought he was top of the heap.

I suspect time and growing in herself will sort this out. In any case isn't she lucky to have a friend like you who is thinking about this stuff? Lucky her and lucky you to be trying to help. Maybe you should tell her that all her friends are singing from the same hymn sheet. It might help until she figures this stuff out for herself. We all have to in the end.

ballsofire23

Wibbs wrote:

That's a hard one OP. It depends on the age and circumstance of the person. It also depends on the gender too. Sadly the most wonderful women often have these issues and it can be hard to convince them otherwise. I know. I've a few ex girlfriends, who were the most amazing people, who no matter what I tried to tell them and show them, still thought of themselves as somehow lesser. BTW Any cnut who suggests that it was because they were with me gets a fat lip.:D Trust me in most cases it was pure charity on their parts.

I know Oprah et al bang on about self esteem as if it's an endpoint. It's not. The most dangerous people in history were chock full of self esteem. I'm sure Josef Stalin thought he was only deadly and Pol Pot thought he was top of the heap.

I suspect time and growing in herself will sort this out. In any case isn't she lucky to have a friend like you who is thinking about this stuff? Lucky her and lucky you to be trying to help. Maybe you should tell her that all her friends are singing from the same hymn sheet. It might help until she figures this stuff out for herself. We all have to in the end.

Lots of experience in that post,and very good to read that above post. It's obviously very experienced and I would assume you have heartahce and depression so much you come on here to make the person posting feel better.
Is low self esteem going haywair for you? If so I would suggest a doctor visit. Anxiety causes panic attacks, and they spiral in and out everyday in your head. and eventually you'll develop a carefree attitude for youself if you let anxiety ruin you life.
So go to the doc and say, you feel low and you feel butterflies in your stomach and anger at you for being you. And descriptions are important for proper diagnosis. So you describe exactly how often and how bad you feel. Chemical imbalances in the brain cause you to panic about how low you feel, and that makes life impossible. best wishes.
I'm using the 2nd person in that post but tell your friend what I said.

Lazarus2.0

Just do what you are doing , so long as you can cope with it ok . Every little helps and sometimes a little is better than a lot ....

Wibbs

ballsofire23 wrote:

Lots of experience in that post,and very good to read that above post. It's obviously very experienced and I would assume you have heartahce and depression so much you come on here to make the person posting feel better.

Nope, just seeing others go through this stuff. Beyond the usual transient, boring, I need to wear black, teenage angst at the time, I've been very lucky in that regard. You know, you don't have to go through hard things to be able to empathise and try to help others. It would be a self centered crazy world if you did. People give to third world charities and it doesn't mean they've personally starved.

Is low self esteem going haywair for you? If so I would suggest a doctor visit. Anxiety causes panic attacks, and they spiral in and out everyday in your head. and eventually you'll develop a carefree attitude for youself if you let anxiety ruin you life.

Good advice if you have excessive anxiety or panic attacks. The only worry there would be the doctor you go to. Some may be over reliant on drug therapies, which may not help if the person doesn't have underlying imbalances. Maybe a counsellor would be the better first move. They would be in a better position to judge if the person needed further help.

So go to the doc and say, you feel low and you feel butterflies in your stomach and anger at you for being you. And descriptions are important for proper diagnosis. So you describe exactly how often and how bad you feel. Chemical imbalances in the brain cause you to panic about how low you feel, and that makes life impossible. best wishes.

Again if I may suggest, that may be making far too many assumptions about the OP's friend and may just be a personal reflection on the things you may have felt and your own path to this point. You may be puuting the pattern of your own issues in the past on to this person needlessly. Everyone is different. Everyone copes differently. Truly getting that and empathising without projecting your own mindset is good thing to master IMHO.

At no point does the OP say that this person "feels angry at being her" or has anxiety to the degree you suggest. She may simply be shy. Some people are and no amount of intervention will change that. The OP's friend may have a minor problem that needs counselling or time to sort. It may just be the time in her life when she's trying to work out her place in the scheme of things. She could be just growing into herself. We all do it. Most get through it and if you don't there is help availible. I just thing advising going down the medical route for a problem the OP suggests is not that serious might be a mistake at this stage. Indeed, it may make her more anxious if people start medicalising her situation, especially with the stupid stigma attached to such things.

The OP knows the situation best though. Just be her friend and soon enough she may find the way to be a friend to herself. Good luck with it anyhoo.

ballsofire23

Wibbs wrote:

Nope, just seeing others go through this stuff. Beyond the usual transient, boring, I need to wear black, teenage angst at the time, I've been very lucky in that regard. You know, you don't have to go through hard things to be able to empathise and try to help others. It would be a self centered crazy world if you did. People give to third world charities and it doesn't mean they've personally starved.
Good advice if you have excessive anxiety or panic attacks. The only worry there would be the doctor you go to. Some may be over reliant on drug therapies, which may not help if the person doesn't have underlying imbalances. Maybe a counsellor would be the better first move. They would be in a better position to judge if the person needed further help.
Again if I may suggest, that may be making far too many assumptions about the OP's friend and may just be a personal reflection on the things you may have felt and your own path to this point. You may be puuting the pattern of your own issues in the past on to this person needlessly. Everyone is different. Everyone copes differently. Truly getting that and empathising without projecting your own mindset is good thing to master IMHO.

At no point does the OP say that this person "feels angry at being her" or has anxiety to the degree you suggest. She may simply be shy. Some people are and no amount of intervention will change that. The OP's friend may have a minor problem that needs counselling or time to sort. It may just be the time in her life when she's trying to work out her place in the scheme of things. She could be just growing into herself. We all do it. Most get through it and if you don't there is help availible. I just thing advising going down the medical route for a problem the OP suggests is not that serious might be a mistake at this stage. Indeed, it may make her more anxious if people start medicalising her situation, especially with the stupid stigma attached to such things.

The OP knows the situation best though. Just be her friend and soon enough she may find the way to be a friend to herself. Good luck with it anyhoo.

No it's called making a judgement on my experience.
If noted by him/her, anxiety which is partly related to a anxiety type disorder where they have a mixed mood of depression and panic; and that particular mood is the suicide potential warning.
It is foolish to label my recommendation as over the top, as I have experience working with suicidal people. And if you regard my posts as molds of mountain hills, then you give better advice. Your advice about your previous love life is not necessary, and it sounded like you are a hit with the ladies, do you expect a humourous approach to somebodys crisis to help them?
I don't think he/she is depressed, they are calling for help, and depression is withdrawal from request in some cases. All a person requires is some mental focus to ask for help while depressed, and it's a cry for help.
If he or she is asking for help, to me that means they are upset about their self worth and looking for comfort or help of some sort.
Wibbs, anxiety you may have or not. But it's lethal to ignore the "please visit gp for necessary medication if you are anxiety ridden" yes?
If you worry about people labelling you or a stigma, then you are at a little disadvantage, called bottling things up. So by you highlighting that, is reinforcing a potential opinion the op may have that is is a stigma, and coming from Germany I must say Ireland has a lot of labels on disorders etc
I'm German, , we believe in straight to the point, no inferiority complex, production at it's highest, and making days pleasurable to get through.
So by trying to ease the person by posting excessive smilies, and then commenting on my advice is to me Garbage.