hiding

LegacyUser

Hi, just wanted to know what other people would think of this. I've been with my girlfriend for awhile now and we are in love. We get along great and have a great relationship when its just the two of us.

She used to be with a guy from our group of friends and it was their first love for both of them. I'm not really close to him at all but I understand that she still cares for him and his feelings. The problem is, and I dont know if I'm being selfish here, but he isnt over her at all and because of this anytime we are hanging out with our group of friends(which is quite often-parties, pub, cinema etc) she wants us to hide everything as if we are just friends. I cant even hold her hand... I'm not huge on public displays of affection or anything but I'd rather not have to hide my feelings for her.

I've told her its really hard for me doing this and she says she finds it hard too but we have to until he's over it(who knows how long that'll be if ever?!). It makes me feel like she feels more for him than she lets on, but i could very possibly be a paranoid selfish so and so!

Just wondering, how would you feel? Any suggestions? Am I just being selfish? Would this bother you?

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Ruu_Old

Ask your girlfriend this, how does she expect the lad to get over her if she keeps hiding things? She is not helping the situation and only making it worse.

Black Swan

Ruu wrote:

Ask your girlfriend this, how does she expect the lad to get over her if she keeps hiding things? She is not helping the situation and only making it worse.

Agree!

dr.bollocko

Its always hard to let go of a first love. Its always hard to ignore a long emotional connection, and its also hard to hurt someone that you used to share a great emotional and physical connection with. The natural reaction is to try and maintain the status quo, to try and hide or ignore her new relationship when around her last boyfriend. If he is still talking to her and texting her, she is probably aware that this new relationship is hurting him quite a lot, and is trying to save him from pain out of a misled feeling of not wanting to hurt this guy. But what you have to do is explain this to her because she is not going to stop until you see that by trying to spare her ex's feelings, she is sabotaging her current relationship.

King of Kings

Frustrated wrote:

I've been with my girlfriend for awhile now and we are in love.

No you are in love with her, she is clearly not in love with you. Otherwise she'd shout it form the rooftops.

Frustrated wrote:

She used to be with a guy from our group of friends and it was their first love for both of them.

This situation is hardly unique. She (or he) should be able to handle it. How long is it since they split up?

Frustrated wrote:

I dont know if I'm being selfish here

she is your g'f hand holding etc... should be quite alright.

Frustrated wrote:

but he isnt over her at all

Who said this? did he say it or is she just saving this as an excuse cos she is uncomfortable. Maybe he is fine with it?

I'd suggest you have it out with her and say the limits on your relationship and behaviour in this guys company if affecting your relationship and it must stop. It's not fair on you. End it if needs be cos eventually you'll end up being miserable and not knowing whether you are coming or going with this girl.

Is she over him? Maybe it's her with the issues?

Talliesin

Of course, if he finds out he's more likely to think that she'd been cheating on him with her if you are being secretive about things. That's hardly going to help things.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I can see where she's coming from.
I'm not a great fan of public displays of affection either.
In front of my normal friends I would reduce the public displays so as not to make them feel uncomfortable. I might hold hands or a peck on the cheek but no one wants to see a couple all over each other.

In front of an ex boyfriend, I would consider it down right obnoxious to be flaunting a new relationship in his face, especially when it was clear he wasn't quite over it yet. He knows she's with the OP, she knows she's with the OP, there's no need to hammer the stake through his heart at every opportunity.

Look at this way, if the girl was suddenly all over the OP every time the ex appeared, you would say she was insecure and not over it as well.

Being in the company of an ex is an awkward situation and uncomfortable for the parties involved. She's merely trying to reduce the discomfort by not making everyone there more uncomfortable with public displays of affection.

If you're really that bothered by it, then ask her to allow one discreet thing, holding hands for a minute or two for instance, but mostly just give it time.

LegacyUser

The Scientist wrote:

Eh... No. This girl is clearly hiding you.
How you deal with that is your own business but if it was me, i'd make sure to kiss her right in front of this bloke... You'll find out quick enough how she feels about you then.

I'd really hope that's not the case but admittedly it has crossed my mind. And i think you're right to kiss her in front of him....her reaction will tell it all i suppose. If she does react with anger or pulling away, which i sorta expect then i think i need to confront her a bit more aggressively about it-I had been saying that i think its very hard but I understand and if its what she wants then i can try-but I think it'll just drive me crazy.

Ruu wrote:

Ask your girlfriend this, how does she expect the lad to get over her if she keeps hiding things? She is not helping the situation and only making it worse.

Thats a good argument to use and I don't know how i hadn't even realised that its not helping him at all!

dr.bollocko wrote:

she is probably aware that this new relationship is hurting him quite a lot, and is trying to save him from pain out of a misled feeling of not wanting to hurt this guy.

I think that's the most likely thing as she has said that she is over him but has strong feelings of guilt for hurting him with the break up and all-i told her she has no reason to feel guilty as, really, she doesnt!

dr.bollocko wrote:

But what you have to do is explain this to her because she is not going to stop until you see that by trying to spare her ex's feelings, she is sabotaging her current relationship.

That is very true....I dont think she realises how much this is damaging the relationship so i need to let her know that.

King of Kings wrote:

No you are in love with her, she is clearly not in love with you. Otherwise she'd shout it form the rooftops

I really dont want to believe that, it might be denial, but i do genuinely feel we have a connection and its not just on my side....but i agree we really should both be able to shout it from the rooftops!!
Think they split up about 9 months ago and were back together for a short period after that.

King of Kings wrote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frustrated
but he isnt over her at all

Who said this? did he say it or is she just saving this as an excuse cos she is uncomfortable. Maybe he is fine with it?

Its quite obvious(ya know the way you can just tell?) He is sulky when we are both around and he does know there is something happening between us, its just that we cant show our affection in his presence.

I'm pretty sure she is over him, I have asked her a few times and her answer has seemed that she is definite about it.

Thanks for all the advice so far folks, you have certainly given me something to think about and different angles to look at things

loismustdie

sounds like she's not entirely over him either, she's still trearing him somewhat like a partner if she feels guilty bout being woth you, your practically not even her boyfriend, sorry i know that osunds harsh but that's how id feel if i were you. tell her you won't be treated like that to find out where her loyalty lies

Talliesin

loismustdie wrote:

sounds like she's not entirely over him either

Here's a thought. Maybe she's not entirely over the break-up, which is not entirely the same thing.

Spiritus Mundi#

I dont know why but the word 'rebound' is on my mind. Be strong about this, it's not like you're trying to flaunt it in front of the ex and try antagonise or hurt him, you just dont feel the need to hide what you got with her. That's natural.

Have to say im the perpetrator of a similar offence in the past , broke up with a girl i was crazy about after 3 years together, 6 months later im in the cinema with a different girl and see her and immediately took my hands off her hand!!! Simple fact is i cared way more bout my ex than i did this new girl. totally unfair, she (and you) deserve better.

loismustdie

Talliesin wrote:

Here's a thought. Maybe she's not entirely over the break-up, which is not entirely the same thing.

i take the breakup thing on board, i never thought to defrencite before but it's true, either way she has to decide now which way to go

ZiabR

Yeah OP it sounds like she might not be over him at all yet and maybe is using you are a rebound. She might tell you what you want to hear but she may feel completely different inside.

You need to sit her down and talk to her.