What would you think?

LegacyUser

If you were having a discussion with your partner about cheating and they said to you 'If I ever cheated on you I wouldn't tell you because I wouldn't want to hurt you but I would never cheat on you anyway'. Would you automatically lose trust in your partner because they've just basically told you that they'd happily lie to you or would you think it's sweet that they didn't want you to get hurt?

Talliesin

No. I wouldn't think that because they've basically told me no such thing.

Where did you get "happily" from, Roget's Dictionary of Words to Using in Twisting Things to Induce the most Paranoia?

You were talking about cheating. The question of whether it would be better or not to tell a partner if you had cheated on them and then came to feel remorse about it will often come up in such discussions whether in hypothetical, in third person terms or in an actual case (has come up in this forum before). It comes down to balancing factors of honesty, how much damage is done to the relationship, how much hurt is done, and how much it affects one's own conscience, amongst other reasons to argue one way or another.

In all it's a matter of being in a situation where you've done something wrong and you've got a choice between to courses of action where neither are completely commendable.

As such it's a perfectly valid thing to say if you are having a discussion about cheating, but (since he hasn't actually done so) morally rather neutral.

davyjose

I a weird way your partner (I presume this has happened to you), is more honest than most. Typically it's guilt, not honesty, that causes someone to spill the beans, and your partner obviously has the emotional strength to understand and deal with this (or believes s/he does anyhow). You should really start appreciating this as a positive character trait.
In terms of trust, from a psychological POV, it seems unlikely you have anything to worry about; unless they are a seriously devious sort, if they had cheated, or intended cheating, it would be unlikely that they would leave themselves so open to suspicion.

Nickibaby*

Your partner said they wouldn't cheat on you and doesn't wanna hurt you that's all. I wouldn't read into it at all

Red Hand

You either trust him or you don't.

LegacyUser

'It was a conversation about a hypothetical situation and during that conversation I said 'Well if I ever cheated on you, which I wouldn't, I'd tell you'. After him telling me that he'd lie to me how can I believe the next part where he went on to say 'but I'd never cheat on you', how do I know that's not a lie if he just told me he's willing to lie? To say he'd not tell me so he wouldn't hurt me doesn't make sense, if he had that much consideration for my feelings surely he'd just not cheat in the first place? The only reason I imagine he wouldn't tell me is because he's afraid to face the consequences of his actions and reveal that his halo has slipped, also because cheaters worry that if their partner decided to stay with them then they might feel the need to do the same as some sort of revenge. I don't imagine he ever has cheated but if I was to ask him and he said 'no' how would I ever know if it was the truth or a lie? At least he'd never have that playing on his mind. I know you have to be able to trust someone but if they're willing to lie about major things the trust falls away rapidly.'

Talliesin

Wondering wrote:

'It was a conversation about a hypothetical situation and during that conversation I said 'Well if I ever cheated on you, which I wouldn't, I'd tell you'.

Notice that there isn't someone on this forum saying "I had a conversation with my girlfriend about cheating and she said that if she ever cheated on me she'd tell me. How can I know that she wouldn't always put her own ease of mind above me and be callous towards me should things ever get difficult?" though that is exactly how he might very well find it if you did have an affair and did tell him.

Wondering wrote:

After him telling me that he'd lie to me how can I believe the next part where he went on to say 'but I'd never cheat on you', how do I know that's not a lie if he just told me he's willing to lie?

How does he know that you aren't just saying that you wouldn't lie because it makes for a better cover for the fact that you're shagging a different person every week and really looking forward to the orgy you've got planned for the next time he's away for a while?

Your response to the hypothetical situation is a much better cover-story for a cheater than his is.

The conversation you had is not something to base this sort of judgement on. It is not giving you the information from which you can deduce the facts or even reasonable possibilities. Stop trying to read tea-leaves, you aren't very good at it.

Wondering wrote:

To say he'd not tell me so he wouldn't hurt me doesn't make sense, if he had that much consideration for my feelings surely he'd just not cheat in the first place?

Re-read over this statement before reading my response. It'll sink in much better if you figure it out yourself.

Still here? Aw well.

You were talking about a hypothetical situation in which one of you has gone beyond your boundaries as to what it's okay for you to do in the context of your relationship.

You talked about what you would do if you had done so. Why would you tell him. Surely you'd just not cheat in the first place?

Wondering wrote:

The only reason I imagine he wouldn't tell me is because he's afraid to face the consequences of his actions and reveal that his halo has slipped, also because cheaters worry that if their partner decided to stay with them then they might feel the need to do the same as some sort of revenge.

I'd say the primary reason he says he wouldn't tell you is when he thinks about the hypothetical situation of you cheating on him, he'd rather just not know that have the pain of knowing you cheated on him. Empathy is one of the key things that informs ethical thinking, and putting himself in the hypothetical situation of being cuckolded he imagines he'd rather not know and from that basis putting himself in the hypothetical situation of having cheated but suffering remorse he imagines he would feel it better to not tell you.

Wondering wrote:

I don't imagine he ever has cheated but if I was to ask him and he said 'no' how would I ever know if it was the truth or a lie?

How would you know if he'd said that he'd tell you? How would you know he didn't just lie twice?

Wondering wrote:

At least he'd never have that playing on his mind. I know you have to be able to trust someone but if they're willing to lie about major things the trust falls away rapidly.'

You don't know that he'd lie in such a situation. He doesn't know that you'd tell the truth.

You've had a conversation about hypothetical situations. Unless you actually go out and have an affair you don't really know you'd tell him. And if you do that you still don't really know you'd tell him should it happen again.

You seriously need to examine the way you make decisions about other people's possible actions.

free2fly

Talliesin pretty much said everything that I was thinking. I would add one thing though. I think that you are driving yourself mad over a hypothetical question and answer. If you read back through your posts you are on the verge of losing trust in your bf simply because of a response that he made to a hypothetical situation!

LegacyUser

'Hi Talliesin, thanks for taking the time to offer me advice, much appreciated. The relationship is recently over for various reasons (nothing to do with cheating though) and I've since been trying to figure out what went wrong. During the break-up my ex said he couldn't understand why I couldn't trust him, I couldn't either as I have a policy of going into any relationship with 100% trust until I have a reason not to trust and I felt that as soon as he told me that I lost a lot of trust in him, can't help the way I feel I guess. The conversation came about when he told me that his ex cheated on him several times so one time when he had the oppurtunity he just went ahead and cheated on her. I asked what was her response and he said he never told her because he didn't want to hurt her so then I asked if he'd tell me that's when he said he wouldn't. I asked him if he would've preferred if she had told him and he said 'yes, then we could've worked things out'.

In response to what you said about why I would've told him, I just believe that if I had done something wrong then I wouldn't want someone to be in love with me under false pretenses, I couldn't bear to have someone give me love and affection knowing I'd been deceitful. I'd want to face the consequences of my wrong-doings because I'd feel that any punishment handed out to me wouldn't be punishment enough and if he decided to stay with me then I'd want him to make an informed decision about that. But you're right, why should he trust me? Maybe he just knew how I felt about this stuff. The reason I told him that I'd tell him was to put his mind at rest and no, there were no orgies!

How would you know if he'd said that he'd tell you? How would you know he didn't just lie twice?

If he said 'yes, I'd tell you' I would never have lost any trust in him and wouldn't imagine that what he was saying was a lie.

Anyway, thanks for all the responses, I appreciate your honesty.'

LegacyUser

Wondering wrote:

If you were having a discussion with your partner about cheating and they said to you 'If I ever cheated on you I wouldn't tell you because I wouldn't want to hurt you but I would never cheat on you anyway'. Would you automatically lose trust in your partner because they've just basically told you that they'd happily lie to you or would you think it's sweet that they didn't want you to get hurt?

I'd say I wanted a prenuptual agreement, and a legal gurantee that if they cheated "i'm not blowing support payments to you". So being sweet is called being careful and deceptive. Women can lie and men can lie, call a solicitor if you're considering marriage. A
And you'll thank me, about that advise.

Black Swan

Jeremiah 16:1 wrote:

You either trust him or you don't.

Agree.

LegacyUser

'I reckon there are some questions you should never hypotetically ask when going out with someone. With my bf, when we talked about 'cheating', was that if either of us cheated, then they would be dumped and that would be that. But I 100 % trust him and I know myself I would never ever cheat on him. In the past, I was single+ a taken guy who I really really liked came onto me+ I was able to resist. I think some people have self restraint/ morals, and others don't.
I reckon OP from what you said though... you're better off without him, as he went out and cheated because a girl cheated on him. That's retarded and immature.'

hmmmm

Wondering wrote:

'Hi Talliesin, thanks for taking the time to offer me advice, much appreciated. The relationship is recently over for various reasons (nothing to do with cheating though) and I've since been trying to figure out what went wrong. During the break-up my ex said he couldn't understand why I couldn't trust him, I couldn't either as I have a policy of going into any relationship with 100% trust until I have a reason not to trust and I felt that as soon as he told me that I lost a lot of trust in him, can't help the way I feel I guess. The conversation came about when he told me that his ex cheated on him several times so one time when he had the oppurtunity he just went ahead and cheated on her. I asked what was her response and he said he never told her because he didn't want to hurt her so then I asked if he'd tell me that's when he said he wouldn't. I asked him if he would've preferred if she had told him and he said 'yes, then we could've worked things out'.

In response to what you said about why I would've told him, I just believe that if I had done something wrong then I wouldn't want someone to be in love with me under false pretenses, I couldn't bear to have someone give me love and affection knowing I'd been deceitful. I'd want to face the consequences of my wrong-doings because I'd feel that any punishment handed out to me wouldn't be punishment enough and if he decided to stay with me then I'd want him to make an informed decision about that. But you're right, why should he trust me? Maybe he just knew how I felt about this stuff. The reason I told him that I'd tell him was to put his mind at rest and no, there were no orgies!'

I agree with you.

I presume you fully discussed it with him why he wouldn't tell you when he would want to be told.

This topic has come up before with my girlfriend and she said she doesn't know what she would do. I am very anti-cheating but I think the dishonesty by not telling the other half straight away is ten times worse. My girlfriend told me that if that situation arose (or course it wouldn't but...) that she would tell me because she now knows how I feel about it. Whether she would or not is down to her - I trust her, she knows how I feel - so there is nothing more needed.

If she had answered like your boyfriend did even after discussing it and maintained she would not tell me then I would have a problem. Of course her telling me that she would tell me could be just words but if you cant trust the other persons words while going out well....

LegacyUser

'Hi, thanks again for the replies. My main concern wasn't with the hypothetical issue of cheating, that's just what the conversation happened to be about, it was more the fact he said he was willing to lie to me. Even if the conversation had been about shopping and he said 'I'm going out to get bread and milk and by the way I am willing to lie to you about serious issues' then I'd still have lost the trust in him. I just believe cheating is bad enough but cheating then lying is so much worse.

Maybe everyone should ask their partner if they'd like to be told then go along with their partners wishes if it ever happened.'