Uncomfortable Questions: Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

Diogenes

Posted in Conspiracy Theories | Wednesday, February 28th, 2007 | Trackback

Websurdity Link: This article was inspired by the fine users at the James Randi Educational Foundation (JREF) Forum, to whom I am indebted for the use of much of this material.

We’ve all heard the “official conspiracy theory” of the Death Star attack. We all know about Luke Skywalker and his ragtag bunch of rebels, how they mounted a foolhardy attack on the most powerful, well-defended battle station ever built. And we’ve all seen the video over, and over, and over, of the one-in-a-million shot that resulted in a massive chain reaction that not just damaged, but completely obliterated that massive technological wonder.

I was fed this story when I was growing up. But as I watched the video, I began to realize that all was not as it seemed. And the more I questioned the official story, the deeper into the rabbit hole I went.

Presented here are some of the results of my soul-searching regarding this painful event. Like many citizens, I have many questions that I would like answered: was the mighty Imperial government really too incompetent to prevent a handful of untrained nerf-herders from destroying one of their most prized assets? Or are they hiding something from us? Who was really behind the attack? Why did they want the Death Star destroyed? No matter what the answers, we have a problem.

Below is a summary of my book, Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack, which presents compelling evidence that we all may be the victims of a fraud of immense proportions.


Uncomfortable Questions about the Death Star Attack




1) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?

2) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the station’s large fleet of TIE Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?

3) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?

4) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?

5) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didn’t?

Emperor Palpatine fails to act after being informed of the attack


6) How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to “bullseye womprats” on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be “impossible, even for a computer.” Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?

7) Why has their been no investigation into evidence that the droids who provided the rebels with the Death Star plans were once owned by none other than Lord Vader himself, and were found, conveniently, by the pilot who destroyed the Death Star, and who is also believed to be Lord Vader’s son? Evidence also shows that the droids were brought to one Ben Kenobi, who, records indicate, was Darth Vader’s teacher many years earlier! Are all these personal connections between the conspirators and a key figure in the Imperial government supposed to be coincidences?

8) How could a single missile destroy a battle station the size of a moon? No records, anywhere, show that any battle station or capital ship has ever been destroyed by a single missile. Furthermore, analysis of the tape of the last moments of the Death Star show numerous small explosions along its surface, prior to it exploding completely! Why does all evidence indicate that strategically placed explosives, not a single missile, is what destroyed the Death Star?

oscarBravo

I lol'd.

mike65

Diogenes, I would say you were in danger of turning this forum into a mockery but...;)

Mike.

Diogenes

I just C&P'd it from an e-mail. But then got sent the url from digg.com

http://digg.com/politics/Uncomfortable_Questions_Was_the_Death_Star_Destruction_an_Inside_Job

The comments are fantastic.

shayser

That's a very funny piece, but not in the context in which you use it. You could have shown some respect to this forum and included some statement of qualification.

Diogenes

shayser wrote:

That's a very funny piece, but not in the context in which you use it. You could have shown some respect to this forum and included some statement of qualification.

Um. What?

toiletduck

Bravo!

civdef

included some statement of qualification.

Diogenes, that was irresponsible in the extreme. There are clearly some very gullible people on this forum who probably can't understand or appreciate nuances of the piece you posted, and may take it at face value (it is on the web, after all) - thereby destroying their faith in the force.

Diogenes

civdef wrote:

Diogenes, that was irresponsible in the extreme. There are clearly some very gullible people on this forum who probably can't understand or appreciate nuances of the piece you posted, and may take it at face value (it is on the web, after all) - thereby destroying their faith in the force.

Hey hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

billy the squid

This is a Star Wars topic. Not only that but it has already been posted and removed.

If I see it again the person who posts it will receive a permenent ban from CT.

Moved to Star Wars.

TerrorFirmer

From the comments:

The brother of the chief engineer of the death star had ties with the laser gun specialist of the Empires 4th in commands uncle ricky, NEED I SAY MORE?

If you look closely at the explosion, you can see the smoke form into the face of the Emperor.
Coincidence?
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS COINCIDENCE!

If you look at the original camera footage of the explosion, and look at the new offical footage (so called "remastered") released years later - its completely different!!!

My sources indicate that the Empire made a subtle, but disastrous, design decision in choosing asbestos over "the pink stuff" to insulate the death star. Blowing the whole thing up was much cheaper in the long run...

Did anyone else notice the dark shadow near the exhaust port at the *exact moment* Luke's proton torpedos scored their miraculous (read: totally flukey) "hit"? Anyone else think it looks like secret Imperial cloaking/stealth technology was used to guide (or "Force") those babies home, possibly developed in conjunction with the Klingons?

Yes, and lim (Qm) as GL -> 0 approaches infinity. The limiting case in this situation is the movie that GL didn't direct: Firefly.

(You don't get a /0 error because GL never reaches 0; he is "involved" by watching it in the theater and crying evniously into his popcorn.)

Death Star Engineer #1: Hey, do you want to take a look at that exhaust port system one more time, something seems fishy about it to me.

Death Star Engineer #2: Not really, its my wedding anniversary and I had something special planned for me wife. Besides, its just one silly little hole. If you're so worried about it YOU look at it.

(But the Empire had just cut his health plan. So he didn't. His son was sick and he had to get to his second job so that he could afford the medical bills)

Still can't believe they destroyed the second one because there were so many contractors and so few storm troopers.

You sheep think this is about a few people? A bastard farmboy, a shiny black suited dude, and an old man living in a desert? How naive. Have you forgotten what all those fighters, walkers, and even the Aluminum Falcon need to achieve point five past light speed? Oil my friend, oil.

Also, the attack WAS planned, he used the death star destruction as an excuse to steal materials from the ewoks. which everyone knows are terrorists. i mean cmon, they're hairy and speak in a weird language

DaBreno

Excellent!