Back then, I still had you

Argie

Back when this pen was full of ink
I set a candle burning new
I bought a loaf for my morning toast
Back then, I still had you.

Back then I laid my bed afresh
Had the tail end of that flu
I got my current haircut
Back then, I still had you.

When my first daffodil showed its head
The sky changed from grey to blue
And I put my winter coat away
Back then, I still had you.

Last time I buffed my shoes to shine
I began the book I’m halfway through
I put out the weekly wheelie bin
Back then, I still had you.

I bought a steak to eat tonight
I thought that one steak was too few
When last you cut my grass for me
Of course, I still had you.

When I chose the dress for tomorrow night
I chose it for you too
And the invitation bore two names
Back then, I still had you.

Now I make a cup, not a pot, of tea
And I don’t know what to do
I brushed my teeth at eight this morning
Back then, I still had you.

Silverfish

Well, that made me cry.....


I like it a lot.

The Walsho

That's great, I really like it.

shiv

Good work Argie
I like the rhythm of it especially and the last-line repetition is effective.
The everyday examples you give are also very moving in painting a picture of the expanse of loss...
Think the whole thing is very strong, but this part made kind of pause and re-read:

I bought a steak to eat tonight
I thought that one steak was too few
When last you cut my grass for me
Of course, I still had you.

Don't think the steak and the cutting the grass really go together somehow...maybe change the third line to make it flow better?

And the very last two lines: if I'm interpreting it right, are you saying you lost this person just that morning?

Once again, kudos. I look forward to reading more of your stuff

Argie

Thanks everyone. It's good to know you like it.
That steak verse is crap, I think I'll just cut it altogether. I liked the one being too few idea but I didn't pull it off.

And yeah, it's that the person was lost that day.

lilmissprincess

Oh my god that is so sad.....I love it.

dr.bollocko

That is really fantastically good. Its one of the few times where I really wouldnt advocate any sort of rewrite. Its perfect as it is and to change it after the fact would be prostituting your work here. Which is excellent.

Argie

Wow, I can't believe the response this has gotten.
Thank you all.

Just realised I didn't comment on this. It's a fantastic piece of poetry, so sad and moving. Well done.

Paligulus

Well done Argie, really good stuff!!! Personally, I think simple writing that convey complicated ideas is the most effective.

I also think the words would work brilliantly as a song...

Argie

I tried that actually. Not with any great focus, just messing with chords. It hasn't come together to music but I might try again.

Thanks again.