The EX

LegacyUser

So this will probably be a long one but if you could giv it a read that'd be cool cause I'm pretty worried bout this.

Basically I met my boyfriend years ago, long before we started going out (we're about 5/6 months now). At the time he was going out wit his ex who I started being friends with as the years passed, I was going out with someone else during this period so no biggie. Anyway years later both couples are broken up, they managed to stay really close mates and then I started being eith him. He wanted to keep it secret so I started avoiding her (we'd spent a good bit of time hanging out bfore this) cause it's too difficult, then she found out and was cool about it said no problem just no secrets cause apparently it made her look stupid if we were behind her back or whatever. But then I said it was over anyway, thing is it wasn't, still really like him and started being with each other again. Everyone knows cept her - same thing found out, said it wasfine so we started having a bit more of a normal relationship. After a while they were out one night got drunk and scored. He came to me told me he still had feelings for her, I was so angry, she said it was a drunk thing and then used defence that she hadn't known how long it had been happening between us cause it had been secret (had been 7 months but only got found out during last 3)

Anyway life went back to normal, except I have alot of mutual friends with her but I just refused to be near her and wouldn't go if she was. During the summer they were together a few times or whatever. Her house was kinda the social house for they big group of mates. She started going out with someone else, then I ended up back with your man. Here's the PROBLEM: basically i told him he's not allowed be mates with her or hang out. They'd been friends for 5 years and he found it tough cause they have all the same mates apparently. But he's done it. Thing is now i'm worried that people (ie their mates) seem kind of resentful of me cause they don't get to have either of them round the same time or something, they're a close group and it causes problem. She's really upset about it so I hear but it could be just her looking for sympathy (ie win friends). She lives with 2 of his mates and he/we never go to their parties but it means that a good few people never come to his. What am I supposed to do. Everyone loves her, I used to like her but think she's a moron and don't want to be near her or have my boyfriend near her which is fair enough. But how do I stop it being such an issue for everyone?

humanji

So, you were a bitch to her and now she's resentful of you? Pretty justified in my opinion. Plus, demanding that he stops being friends with her? Reminds my of the whole Ross and Rachel thing in friends. If one of my mates girlfriends stopped him from seeing another friend, we'd all hate the girlfriend.

You can either trust your boyfriend or not. And if you don't, then you shouldn't be going out with him.

dr.bollocko

Yeah. Maybe if you were 15 I would have more respect for you asking for help with this problem. But I dont think you are.
Humanji has it in one. You acted like a bitch, you lied to her and hid things from her. Then she did the same. Now you have lost a friend, gained a boyfriend who cheated on you, and alienated yourself from a bunch of close friends. I think it is time for you to see the light and end this petty bitchiness now before it comes back on you tenfold.

event

you cant stop it being an issue with everyone.

you basically split up a group of friends, cos you are insecure and want to know how to get everyone to forget about it.

dont think it can be done

padser

ellsbells wrote:

basically i told him he's not allowed be mates with her or hang out.

When Emily did this to Ross [from friends] it was comical, its not in real life.

How on earth can you think this is acceptable behaviour?

Incidently 'I don't want to have my bf near her' is not 'fair enough'

dame

Sounds like you're paranoid and very insecure in the relationship. When you started seeing him he asked you to keep it quiet (because he didn't want her to know). Then he got back together with her one night, told you he still had feelings for her and started seeing her again. They broke up again and he went back to you but same thing...keep it secret from her. I think he always had feelings for her and sort of saw you as a bit on the side, somebody to keep him going until he got her back. He seems to have realised now that she's definitely gone from him so he's happier for you two to have a more "normal" open relationship. Basically you're his second best and you know it. That's the problem. Either you get past that fact and get on with your lives, trusting him, or you decide to end it now and stop all the pettiness of who can't go where in case certain other's are there.

Why is that you used to like her but now you think she's a moron? Sounds like the green eyed monster to me. Nobody else seems to have a problem with her or with your boyfriend. You're the one being a moron and causing any bad feeling there is.

Femelade

sounds like a situation i was having/probably still would if i didnt just get over it...
Everyone has ex's and alot of people are still friends with their ex. He says he still has feelings for her, he was honest with you. You have to learn to deal with this or else just forget having a reltioship with this guy.

Telling him he cant see her or hang around with her is a bad idea, its very childish imo. Not only is he losing her as a friend, he is losing out on alot of other friends too because of it and he will resent you for that as will all his friends.

Just get over it and have your "normal relationship" (which doesnt sound very normal to me at the moment) or bow out.

Beruthiel

ellsbells wrote:

they managed to stay really close mates and then I started being eith him. He wanted to keep it secret so I started avoiding her

Childish behaviour

then she found out and was cool about it said no problem just no secrets cause apparently it made her look stupid if we were behind her back or whatever.

A fair point and pretty big of her to just let it slide.

But then I said it was over anyway, thing is it wasn't, still really like him and started being with each other again. Everyone knows cept her - same thing found out, said it wasfine so we started having a bit more of a normal relationship.

Again, very cool of her under the circumstances.

basically i told him he's not allowed be mates with her or hang out.

You have no right to tell him who he can be mates with and he's a fool for doing what you tell him.

Thing is now i'm worried that people (ie their mates) seem kind of resentful of me cause they don't get to have either of them round the same time or something, they're a close group and it causes problem.

Of course it causes problems, I can just imagine the slagging. He's 'whipped' by you for starters and you come across as controlling.

What am I supposed to do. Everyone loves her, I used to like her but think she's a moron and don't want to be near her or have my boyfriend near her which is fair enough.

Why is it fair enough? Are you pissed off with her for having been with him? cos it takes two to tango and he is as much to blame here as she.
There is no magic solution to this, you created a problem, got everyone's back up and now don't know how to fix it. I suppose you could apologise to everyone and try and get things back to normal, like they used to be.
Can I ask what age you are?

Fwaggle

ellsbells wrote:

Everyone loves her, I used to like her but think she's a moron and don't want to be near her or have my boyfriend near her which is fair enough.

No it's not. It's ok if you don't want to be near her but it's not "fair enough" for you to tell him not to be friends with someone he has been close to for years. Cop on to yourself.

AnonoBoy

Boy did you pick the wrong PI to post about.

You sound like you're an insecure, childish and frankly bitchy person. Now maybe this is just how you come across in your post but...

.... forbidding your boyfriend from being anywhere near someone he's been friends with for years?

I can tell you what all his friends think of you - they think you're a controlling unreasonable bitch. Sorry but they do.

The only way you're going to salvage this at all is to grow up and trust your boyfriend (although from the sounds of it that probably isn't a good idea). You can't tell people who or what to do all the time. Your whole relationship is headed for a huge melt-down I'd say and when you're relegated to the sidelines you'll probably only be referred to in jokes by him and his mates.

"How the hell did I end up with her?"

Remember you're the one that's split up a group of friends so you'll be the one ignored when your boyfriend realises the error of his ways.

You've got to start being reasonable and mature now or else it's all going to end in tears.

Marksie

Ahh! I know i am going to get into trouble for this, but the first impression i got when i read this was of a vikki pollard yeah but, no but rant with any excuse is thrown in cos eveybody knows it..type thing.

There is a saying .. you make your own bed and now you lie in it. This is what you have done. If yuo want to change the situation then you have to be more mature about it and bite the bullet. Relent on the who people are or who people are not allowed to be friends with.

LegacyUser

Ok, so you've all made your points clear and that's fair enough. I came on here cause I'm in a relationship I'm TRYING to make work. The thing is it is really tough getting to know all his mates when there is the shadow of her in the background (they're a big mix, some originally her mates, some originally his). At the same time it is genuinely hard for me being around her and I have been polite and civil anytime thats come up. She always gives a big smile and is friendly but that's not good enough for me, I can't forgive that he cheated on me with her. It's not necessarily fair but it annoyed me more times she tried to push the issue with me and get mates again or talk about it or whatever. She even once said to me that it annoyed HER that I wouldn't meet up and just talk to her (this was via email btw) cause she felt it was hypocritical that i would sleep with him and not even have tea with her. That was unfair, i'm trying to get what I want, which is me and him to work. There isn't space for everyone I guess. I was in the middle of studying for my masters when it happend so it was a bit of when the cats away the mice will play and I was really hurt about it.

I know I'm not getting sympathy here but i genuinely amn't looking for it I do just want honest advice. Part of me worries that he is happy enough to go along with it because if I did ever talk to her about what happened his story and her story might not match up?

Nevyn

AnonoBoy ease up or else such name calling will be considered personal abuse
and that will get your posting privilages for this forum revoked.

StormWarrior

ellsbells wrote:

i'm trying to get what I want, which is me and him to work. There isn't space for everyone I guess. I was in the middle of studying for my masters when it happend so it was a bit of when the cats away the mice will play and I was really hurt about it.

You're trying to get what YOU want, but what about what your boyf wants? How would you feel if your boyfriend demanded that you give up an old friend? Trying to stop who your other half is friends with is never going to work. There can be space for everyone if you let there be.

However, I don't agree with "if the cats away the mice will play." If I had a boyfriend studying for his degree, I wouldn't use it as an excuse to cheat on him. Plus keeping you a secret. He doesn't sound very trustworthy to me.

_blank_

You don't trust him.

You can't MAKE it work if there is no trust.

Now, I don't blame you for not trusting him, he cheated on you. With his ex, who he still wants to be friends with.

This is not the best situation at all, but you cannot dictate to him who he can and cannot see.

You have 2 options.

1. Trust him, and get on with it. Mix with his friends, including her.

2. Dump him, because without trust, it will never work.

hunnymonster

There are a lot of things going on in your posts but one thing that strikes me is that you are very much blaming the ex-girlfriend for the infedility (sp?). It takes two to tango and if anyone is to blame it is him as he was the one in the relationship with you at the time.

I think it's very wrong to ask anyone to change their friendships because of a relationship unless those relationships are destructive. From everything you've said the ex and all the common friends were fine but yet you still banned her because of your own insecurity. It's something you need to work on yourself and not something the others can sort out for you.


I'm genuinely surprised you're at the masters stage of life. I thought this was a teenage problem.

LegacyUser

'You're right I suppose I do blame her more, which isn't helped by the fact that they invite her to EVERYTHING. But in order for me to pursue this relationship I guess I couldn't stay angry with him. I know he doesn't come across very well. One close mate of myself and hers keeps saying that it is more his fault cause he knew the full extent of our relationship and she didn't. But she still betrayed me. It was easier to forgive him though because I genuinely love him and I know he loves me because of how hard he has fought for us to work in the past few months. So breaking up with him isn't the issue or even an option'

humanji

I can't help but think the two of you just aren't going to work out. It's a safe bet he won't cut communication with this girl and he'll just be seeing her behind your back, which will most likely make you paranoid that he's cheating on you again. Best sit him down and talk to him. You're being horrifically selfish and he dowsn't exist simply to fulfil your needs.

Crea

You can't forgive her that your boyfriend slept with her but you can forgive him???? Why is her disloyalty worse than his? I wouldn't blame you for being insecure, he's already dumped you for her once.....

iguana

Going the general concensus her but; if my husband cheated on me with someone and I decided to try and make it work between us there is no-way on earth I would be able to accept him continuing a friendship with her.

Catari Jaguar

I agree with Iguana, I don't think it's unreasonable. There's NO WAY I'd let my bloke hang out with someone he cheated on me with.

TBH,I don't understand why you took him back. I guess you don't trust that he hasn't got feelings for her anymore, otherwise you'd let them stay friends. Why stay with someone who'll make you feel second best, that you can't trust and is giving you a head fcuk??

seastar

I'd probably react in the same way if I ever took back a boyfriend who cheated. That's not to say it's right though, just that I understand why you did it.

However, if you want your relationship to work, you need to be honest with yourself and see that the anger you feel towards her is most likely the anger you feel towards him, you've simply displaced the blame as it's easier to hate someone you're not in love with.

You also need to lift the ban on their friendship. Explain to your boyfriend how you feel about it and that you need him to be very clear what the boundaries are with her. You should clear the air with her also, tell her why you have reacted like this. Realise that your reaction is due to insecurity and try to move on from it. Otherwise, you will be doing this all your life.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

'

ellsbells wrote:

At the time he was going out wit his ex who I started being friends with as the years passed......

I started avoiding her

But then I said it was over anyway, thing is it wasn't, still really like him and started being with each other again. Everyone knows cept her

she said it was a drunk thing and then used defence that she hadn't known how long it had been happening between us cause it had been secret

i told him he's not allowed be mates with her or hang out. They'd been friends for 5 years and he found it tough

now i'm worried that people (ie their mates) seem kind of resentful of me

I used to like her but think she's a moron and don't want to be near her or have my boyfriend near her which is fair enough.


But how do I stop it being such an issue for everyone?

You say you two were once friends???? To me you sound as bad as each other.

You don't want it to be such an issue for everyone? Well guess what? YOU have made it a big issue by issuing your "boyfriend" (and I use that term loosely as it sounds like there is a complete lack of respect on all sides) an ultimatum: "Drop a person you have known for a long time from your life or I'll break up with you." Of course everyone is upset!

I don't want to come off as harsh here but your post really annoyed me. The three of you deserve each other and all of the Dawson's Creek crap that you revel in making a part of your lives.

You created this issue. Your "friend" or ex-friend created this issue. Your "boyfriend" created this issue. There IS an issue. Wanting it to go away is not going to make the problem disappear. Address the way you live your life, the way your treat the people closest to you and maybe, just maybe, you might have some chance of making the issues disappear.'

Sony

God what a mess - There does'nt appear to be an option to do anything here other than just go with it. To be honest the guy doesnt come across well and seems to me as just another person who gives the rest of us lads a bad name,your love for him will obviously blind you of this though-Regardless of how he feels about you both he should have treated you both with more decency.

I dont blame you for not wanting them to be friends anymore but theres nothing else you can do in this situation other than dump him or trust him

Best of luck anyway;)

Talliesin

So this poor woman sees the two of you at it, but you keep signalling that its no big deal (even claiming that you are breaking up, when there's no reason why she should care that you were breaking up) so she scores (whatever exactly you meant by that) and you freak out.

She forgives you for all this crap and you pull this bull**** about messing with your boyfriend's friendships.

Call an end to this rubbish before he cops himself on and leaves you.

The answer to your psychological problems is not your boyfriend crippling his emotional ties to his friends.

Indeed, some of us find that people who aren't crippling themselves emotionally are actually better people to be with.

Black Swan

ellsbells wrote:

He wanted to keep it secret so I started avoiding her (we'd spent a good bit of time hanging out bfore this) cause it's too difficult,

I still don't understand his early need for secrecy, which ultimately may have something to do with the problem at hand? Setting yourself up for failure?

LegacyUser

'The need for secrecy was cause they had previously decided that if they were going to be able to hang out and stay friends, then they shouldn't be in each other faces about relationships or be with each others mates. So he didn't want her to know in case she was upset with him, which she turned out not to be. They ended up with each other the weekend after she was dumped by someone else.

I know alot of you think we all sound awful but this is just one situation in our lives, the reason I came on here was cause I reckoned that the advice I was getting ie- she's a bitch cut her out, might not exactly be levelheaded as it's coming from people who don't really know her. The mutual contacts would in general be more her mates and would never broach the situation with me. If I'm honest though it's not really what I want to hear.

I can't help how I feel, I don't like being painted as the victim or being reminded that I was once second best. So it's difficult to see a way out with out making people think that she's won or something? Does that make sense? Cause if I stop getting involved isn't that her getting everything SHE wants. Also I've heard she said that although she's hurt shes not willing to make much of an effort to restore more than cursory friendship with him or me as a mate since she thinks she was treated unfairly and given all the blame for what happened by both of us. Which apparently was too much of a "letdown" and "hurtful" and which I'M being made suffer for!? Which basically means that not only does she win she gets a moral high-ground too? Bull****.'

togster

grow up. your all as bad as each other.

Talliesin

ellsbells wrote:

'The need for secrecy was cause they had previously decided that if they were going to be able to hang out and stay friends, then they shouldn't be in each other faces about relationships or be with each others mates.

It could feel more "in her face" if she saw evidence of something that was apparently being covered up, due to her, than you just got on with being a couple and ignored her.

I've come to the conclusion, after a recent enough experience, that even keeping something low-key on such grounds can be a bad idea. But even then I knew that keeping things like that secret, rather than low-key, makes it look like you've something to keep secret.

ellsbells wrote:

I don't like being painted as the victim

You don't have a binary choice of victim or oppressor. It's possible to not impose stupid and childish rules on your boyfriends behaviour

If you really feel that these are the only two possibilities it could be best if you don't date anyone until you've dealt with that in counselling or therapy.

ellsbells wrote:

or being reminded that I was once second best

Ah. I see where you led us to some false conclusions.

We'd all thought that he had been going out with this person and had a degree of commitment to her and then you started dating him when that relationship came to an end.

But "I was once second best" only makes sense if you were both concubines in his royal harem and he's switched favours as to who he calls to his bed most often. You really should have pointed that out earlier.

ellsbells wrote:

So it's difficult to see a way out with out making people think that she's won or something?

Oh, it's not a harem. It's a competition?

ellsbells wrote:

Does that make sense?

No.

ellsbells wrote:

Cause if I stop getting involved isn't that her getting everything SHE wants.

You are not five years old. It is no longer reasonable behaviour to be watchful in case someone gets more birthday cake than you.

ellsbells wrote:

Also I've heard she said that although she's hurt shes not willing to make much of an effort to restore more than cursory friendship with him or me as a mate since she thinks she was treated unfairly and given all the blame for what happened by both of us.

At least one of the people involved in this has some cop-on. If I knew either of you I'd have cut you both out of my life long ago (I am deeply intolerant though, one of the two reasons I have lots of wonderful people in my life).

ellsbells wrote:

Which apparently was too much of a "letdown" and "hurtful" and which I'M being made suffer for!?

Have you ever had a psychiatrist evaluate you against the psychopathy checklist?

Just asking.

ellsbells wrote:

Which basically means that not only does she win she gets a moral high-ground too?

You're going to have to climb quite a bit before you can even see the moral foothills at this stage. You handed her the moral high-ground and Fed-Ex'd her a step-ladder, so stop whining about that.

LegacyUser

Look when it was a secret at first it was because he asked me to keep it that way. When she did find out about it she said herself she could understand why I'd lied to her because I didn't want to cause a big fight between them when the onus was on him to tell her. So the fact that it was a secret isn't really relevant since she didn't dwell over it why would you guys. And the harem remarks are a little silly to be honest, people change their minds all the time and it wasn't always in his hands - she didn't want him I did and then i didn't want him for a good long time. Please keep in mind that all this occurred over the better part of a year. So what sounds silly on the page was actually spread out.

I also fail to see why I, as the person who was cheated on should be so far below her morally in your opinion. A good few people have agreed that if their partner cheated they wouldn't want them around the perpetrator. I knew I wasn't going to be agreed with on here but I am surprised that the balance (if I can call it that) is so remarkably in her favour. At the end of the day - Myself and himself were together, she was with him, we got back together, she doesn't get him as a friend anymore, she doesn't get to be around us as a couple and she doesn't get to disturb my peace any more than she already has. Sometimes it is black and white. My problem is the multitude of people around me who seem to stray into the grey areas on this issue - so they were best friends for 5 years (she shouldn't have screwed him around then nor him her), it's not my fault that it impinges on everyone; it's their (my boyf and her) as far as Im concerned but obviously THEIR friends would never see it as THEIR fault so I'm somehow the fallguy for protecting my own interests

Talliesin

ellsbells wrote:

So the fact that it was a secret isn't really relevant since she didn't dwell over it why would you guys.

You gave here every indication that there wasn't anything serious between you and this guy, and then you blame her when she finds out that this isn't the case after she sleeps with him.

You share in the responsibility for what he did to her.

ellsbells wrote:

And the harem remarks are a little silly to be honest,

But the "second best" remarks are very silly.

Really, "well she's by best friend but he's my best best friend" stops being cute when you aren't in national school any more.

One's friends aren't second-best to one's partner. It's a quantitative difference. You don't compare like that.

ellsbells wrote:

Please keep in mind that all this occurred over the better part of a year. So what sounds silly on the page was actually spread out.

If it took place over one emotionally-charged drug-fuelled weekend it would make a bit of sense. It's worse because it was over a year.

ellsbells wrote:

I also fail to see why I, as the person who was cheated on should be so far below her morally in your opinion. A good few people have agreed that if their partner cheated they wouldn't want them around the perpetrator.

You can't stop your partner from being around the perpetrator because he is the perpetrator.

It's more than likely that he took advantage of the fact that you and he both kept down-playing your relationship and fed her a line.

Really, which of these lines seems more likely to have been said:

1. Nah, me and ellsbells aren't anything serious, you know on-and-off. It's just a bit of a fling on the rebound, neither of us are that heavy into it.
2. Actually, me and ellsbells are much more of a serious item than we seem. Fancy a shag anyway?

ellsbells wrote:

My problem is the multitude of people around me who seem to stray into the grey areas on this issue - so they were best friends for 5 years (she shouldn't have screwed him around then nor him her), it's not my fault that it impinges on everyone; it's their (my boyf and her) as far as Im concerned but obviously THEIR friends would never see it as THEIR fault so I'm somehow the fallguy for protecting my own interests

Maybe they just have a modicum of self-respect and self-worth and want nothing to do with your neurotic rules.

hunnymonster

Ok, lets go right back to the beginning

ellsbells wrote:

Here's the PROBLEM: basically i told him he's not allowed be mates with her or hang out. .............Thing is now i'm worried that people (ie their mates) seem kind of resentful of me cause they don't get to have either of them round the same time or something..................don't want to be near her or have my boyfriend near her which is fair enough. But how do I stop it being such an issue for everyone?

Quite a few people have said that they do not think your ultimatum is "fair enough" and most of those who said they would not feel comfortable with their SO's hanging out with their ex's have said you cannot force people to do what you want.

The question now has to change. You asked our opinions, we gave them. Are you going to take our points of view on board or are you going to continue to see yourself as the hard-done-by-anti-villan of the situation? If it's the latter then this thread is just going to go around in circles.

iguana

hunnymonster wrote:

Quite a few people have said that they do not think your ultimatum is "fair enough" and most of those who said they would not feel comfortable with their SO's hanging out with their ex's have said you cannot force people to do what you want.

I don't think the issue is that she is his ex, but that he slept with his ex while in a relationship with the op. My husband is friends with a few of his ex's and while I'll admit that early on in our relationship I was very uncomfortable with those friendships I realised that that was my issue and something I would have to get over.

However if he slept with any of them while in a relationship with me and I decided to try and make a go of our marriage one condition of that would be that all contact that the person he cheated on me with would end. I wouldn't care if it was his best friend since the age of two.

I'm not exactly comparing the OP's relationship to a marriage, it all sounds a bit messed up. And possibly she would be much better off just moving on. The whole "she wins" attitude is pretty silly. If she wants to work on her relationship she needs to forget about any feelings she has about the other girl.