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UnEXiSt

  • 27-02-2007 10:10am
    #1
    DamoBrad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34 ✭


    UnEXiSt

    Wait – eating my backbone
    Unravelling from my throne
    Trying to keep it all together
    Felling as low as this poxy weather
    A souvenir of the recluse
    Why am I so ugly?
    I don’t know anyone I can turn to.
    Self-titled self-dedicated loser
    Blind to my own good points
    Constantly aware of my inevitable flaws
    I stand idle before my peers and critics
    A mirror of myself
    You think you can change me
    You think you can help me
    You think you can make me smile
    Eventually you’ll start to hate me
    Just like I do
    I’m bleeding inside
    Thoughts of regression
    Kicking me to the ground

    27/2/07


    - gimme some FEEDBACK PLZ.....


Comments

  • #2
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    Wow, angsty! I think it's excellent. I'm no poetry boffin, but it's got an edginess and intensity you don't usually see up here among the throngs of cloud imagery and perpetual references to souls. Best thing I've read up here in a while.


  • #3
    shiv
    Closed Accounts Posts: 408 ✭✭shiv


    Clouds and souls are cool.

    I like the spary nature of this, think it might benefit from breaking up the verses a bit, to let it breathe or so the reader can take a breath.
    Particularly I enjoyed:

    Self-titled self-dedicated loser
    Blind to my own good points
    Constantly aware of my inevitable flaws
    I stand idle before my peers and critics


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