Problem with my mom

LegacyUser

right so I'll probably sound really childish in the following post but I'm going to post anyway because I really don't know what to do and this is really upsetting me.

So I'm 20, I'm in 3rd year of a 4 year course in uni and I'm living at home. Since the beginning of this academic year I've been finding living at home more and more stressful. I don't like being home and when I'm home I stay in my room most of the time. My mom is just always angry or cross at me. She is pretty unreasonable and I'm finding her harder and harder to live with. She doesn't understand that I'm a student and getting home for a 6pm dinner isn't always possible. She gives out to me for stupid stuff, for example, I clean up after dinner EVERYTHING except this one bowl that I forget to put in the dishwasher say and she will get cross at me and shout at me.

I cycle to college every morning and a while ago I got up and all mom did was shout at me while I had breakfast and ended up really upseting me. I got knocked off my bike that morning because I was preoccupied and not as vigilant as normal.

It's gotten to the point where I won't go home if she is going to be there. I know that so many people have it worse than me. I'm on the verge of moving out even though I can't afford it timewise or moneywise. This is why I posted this annoying and childish rant. Does anyone have any advice for me? I have to make it through another year and a half living here. Once I graduate I'll be gone!

admiralofthefleet

sit down with her and talk, ask her why she is like this with you and what she wants you to do and tell her what you want her to do. have a calm adult conversation to iron things out. bringing her out to dinner would be a good way to clear the air, neutral ground and all that.

nobodythere

People aren't angry for no reason. You'll just have to talk to her about it.

Carrigart Exile

Have a sit down and look at yer mom's life first, does she have money worries, are you contributing to the financial pot? Is she exhausted (if dishes are all you do then maybe she is tired running after a 20 year old) is she feeling down?

Bring her in a bunch of flowers, tell her you love her but she's been a bag of rats to live with this past while and ask how you can help. It probably isn't all her fault.

StormWarrior

Sounds EXACTLY like my mum! When she starts, do you find yourself getting angry back at her? I know I do, and it just makes it worse. Hard though it may be, next time she says something nasty, say something nice back. If she says "why haven't you washed up this bowl?" Smile very nicely and say, "Oh I'm sorry, I missed it, I'll do it now."

She may be so surprised that she stopos being so miserable.

Black Swan

another_anon wrote:

I have to make it through another year and a half living here. Once I graduate I'll be gone!

Well, have you ever thought that your mum is poorly adjusting to the fact that you will soon be leaving? I know it sounds crazy, but perhaps she is struggling with this? Pick a time when you are OK with each other, then sit down and chat with her about her feelings and yours?

simu

I think it's childish of you to hide away in your own room like that tbh. You should try and spend a bit more time with her even if it's just a short chat and a cup of tea every now and then, as others said, find out what's worrying her if anything, and try making your interactions more positive if she's being negative without just cause.

kelle

Has your mother always been like this? If this has only started to happen, it's likely she might be hitting the menopause, and the hormones being messed around are contributing to her moody behaviour.
Either way, you need to talk to her and let her know it's getting to you. She probably thinks you're not listening - letting it in one ear and out the other, and feels that shouting is the only way she can get a response from you. If she knew how you're feeling it might calm her down. Please let us know how you get on.

Attol

I had this with my mum for a while. My brother and I would sit in our rooms and be unsociable, my dad would be travelling on business and my mum(who works from home) would be stuck in the house other than to go to the shops or walk the dogs. I was used to this from when I was younger but when I was 18 it got so bad with constant screaming matches over the most ridiculous little things that I left home completely. I'm back now since August and have made things much better. My mum was really unhappy with being stuck doing nothing and knowing very few people (my family move around a lot). We started going shopping, for lunch, dinner, movies, watching tv at home together and just other little things. We'll order pizza and watch silly tv. Those simple little things have changed everything. Try create a relationship with her and get to know her as a person.

Blush_01

OP - a lot of people have already said what I would have thought was probably the problem. Perhaps your mother thinks that because you're never home (in her eyes) you're not pulling your weight? Maybe she is hormonal and feels really all over the place and a bit lost (my mother's over the worst of it now but there were some real humdingers of fights between the two of us over the smallest things - probably mainly because I'm terribly immature though)? Maybe she's just lonely and it's hitting her that when you finish in just over 18 months you'll really be gone? Are you the last child left at home/only child?

You say you don't like being at home. Is that as a result of your fights with your mother, or is it something that precedes the fighting? If so, maybe it's part of the cause for the friction between your mother and you. She might feel like you think home isn't good enough for you anymore?

Sit down and have a proper chat with her. Be reasonable and let her talk while you listen, then vice versa. Don't try to force the conversation on her when she's tight for time or when you only have half an hour before you have to do something else. Try not to argue either.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being childish, but I do think you need to see if there's a communication block before you do something as drastic as move out.

[For what it's worth, I moved 100+ miles away from home when I was 18 for college and while I have a great relationship with my parents now, it's mainly because we almost never see each other and that can get really frustrating at times. My mother nearly cried the first time I called here "home" while I was at home for the weekend. I felt like I'd slapped her. I'm the eldest and there was nothing like the hoohah about me moving out when my younger brother started college two years later because they'd adjusted to the idea. Parents tend to love you, even when they don't like you even if sometimes it's hard to remember that.]

LegacyUser

To the person who says I'm childish staying in my room at home. I feel I don't have any other choice, this is the only way to avoid an argument. I can't watch TV in the front room downstairs without something being said like "Will you not give a hand" or being asked to do something trivial that was thought up just because I've been seen watching TV. I know this sounds childish but I made a note of every time this happened and it was pretty much all the time. I can't read a book on the nice couches in the living room or listen to the stereo.

What has happened and upset me so much is that my brother is lazy, he always was. He's decided he's not bothered, he's gonna do what he wants. Mom has decided she's not gonna bother trying to get him to do chores or anything so she just dumps them on me or if my brother won't do the chore or there's an argument over it Mom takes it out on me.

I do make an effort to have a chat with her most days over a cup of tea when I come in and that normally goes fine. We do talk about stuff like how she is and how work is going, she also bítches about my brother not doing stuff around the house and I listen. Then she might ask me to do something while I'm trying to do college work and I'll ask, politely and civily may I add, can I do it later because I don't want to lose my train of thought and she will flip and say that I NEVER do ANYTHING around the house. I do a good bit around the house. A lot more than any of my friends do from the sounds of it. My brother does very little and what he does do there's always a fight over.

Also I'm home a good bit. Recently I've started going out with a guy so I've been around less than I was. It's not a case of me coming in and demanding dinner and then leaving which my brother used to do and my friends sometimes do.

I've spoken to my dad about it. He obviously agrees with me but is non commital because if Mom found out she wouldn't be impressed, understandably.

My brother and I have had conversations with her before about how she acts and she ends up getting annoyed because she thinks it's that we, well I, don't want to do stuff around the house. It's not that, it's her attitude when something isn't done the minute she asks or if the chore is done exactly how she wanted it or if a chore leading from the first chore isn't done.

When I wrote the post the other day, I was tired and p*ssed off at her because they just came home from a holiday and she was cross with me on the phone the first time she spoke with me. I still feel like moving out but it doesn't feel like it has to be tomorrow anymore. When I wrote the post I felt like if someone gave me the money to get started I'd have been packing my bags that instant. I'm still miserable at home though.

sweet-rasmus

the mystery is why she is so unhappy. there must be a reason. are you the only one she is acting like that towards, or does you dad feel any of it too. i hate to say it but when people are sick they can act pretty crazy and bad tempered. perhaps she misses you, with you at college so much. i don't know. try again to sit down and talk to her. its a mystery, but there must be an answer to it all.

LegacyUser

'i know how you feel cause it was the same for me until i went to collage. i now get on very well with both my parents cause i saw them alot less during that time. you need to move out, get a job during the summer or something. these years are supposed to be the best and most irresponsible of your life and she is bringing you down. I also think that she is finding it hard ajusting to you growing up but she will get over it.'

pink_lady

another_anon wrote:

I can't watch TV in the front room downstairs without something being said like "Will you not give a hand" or being asked to do something trivial that was thought up just because I've been seen watching TV. I know this sounds childish but I made a note of every time this happened and it was pretty much all the time. I can't read a book on the nice couches in the living room or listen to the stereo.

What has happened and upset me so much is that my brother is lazy, he always was. He's decided he's not bothered, he's gonna do what he wants. Mom has decided she's not gonna bother trying to get him to do chores or anything so she just dumps them on me or if my brother won't do the chore or there's an argument over it Mom takes it out on me.

I do make an effort to have a chat with her most days over a cup of tea when I come in and that normally goes fine. We do talk about stuff like how she is and how work is going, she also bítches about my brother not doing stuff around the house and I listen. Then she might ask me to do something while I'm trying to do college work and I'll ask, politely and civily may I add, can I do it later because I don't want to lose my train of thought and she will flip and say that I NEVER do ANYTHING around the house. I do a good bit around the house. A lot more than any of my friends do from the sounds of it. My brother does very little and what he does do there's always a fight over.

Also I'm home a good bit. Recently I've started going out with a guy so I've been around less than I was. It's not a case of me coming in and demanding dinner and then leaving which my brother used to do and my friends sometimes do.

I've spoken to my dad about it. He obviously agrees with me but is non commital because if Mom found out she wouldn't be impressed, understandably.

My brother and I have had conversations with her before about how she acts and she ends up getting annoyed because she thinks it's that we, well I, don't want to do stuff around the house. It's not that, it's her attitude when something isn't done the minute she asks or if the chore is done exactly how she wanted it or if a chore leading from the first chore isn't done.

When I wrote the post the other day, I was tired and p*ssed off at her because they just came home from a holiday and she was cross with me on the phone the first time she spoke with me. I still feel like moving out but it doesn't feel like it has to be tomorrow anymore. When I wrote the post I felt like if someone gave me the money to get started I'd have been packing my bags that instant. I'm still miserable at home though.

For some reason I thought you were male in your original post, but now I realise you're female (because you say you have a boyfriend). This changes my perspective on your situation - she treats you like this because you're female. It's a typical Irish mum situation, she expects her daughter to be always helping around the house and her son can do as he likes. I was in the exact same situation 20 years ago - I won't bother going into details but it was horrible and I couldn't wait to leave home. It was lovely when I left to go to college, even though I was in a crummy bedsit, at least it was tidy all the time, the only mess was my own, and I could relax and do my coursework or watch telly in the evenings without being ordered to do this or that.
It's the way she was brought up and you're never going to change her train of thought.

LegacyUser

sweet-rasmus wrote:

the mystery is why she is so unhappy. there must be a reason. are you the only one she is acting like that towards, or does you dad feel any of it too. i hate to say it but when people are sick they can act pretty crazy and bad tempered. perhaps she misses you, with you at college so much. i don't know. try again to sit down and talk to her. its a mystery, but there must be an answer to it all.

My dad knows what goes in but he just doesn't put up with that stuff from her so she rarely tries it with him. He will just walk away.

My problem is that I have no one who will support me and say yes you are bring treated badly. Dad can't say that because Mom's his wife, it isn't done.

I'm going to try and move out for final year. I'm miserable. I'm thinking of what I'm gonna say to my mom though... my reason for wanting to move out is because I'm too old to be bossed around and to be treated the way I am. I don't want to fall out with her permenantly. Despite my previous posts, I do love her, she is my mom after all. We do get on well at times it's just day to day stuff. I just think it's the best thing for both of us if I move out next year.

My plan on how to go about this (opinions appreciated), is to talk to my dad about it first seriously. He is reluctant for me to get into debt so won't sign off for a loan. I'm going to meet him for lunch and discuss my options with him. I'm going to let him know that I feel I would do better in final year if I wasn't living at home because it's quite stressful living at home. I also think it would be good for me to live away from home for one year of college.

The problem will be saying it to my mom. She believes that my brother and me are the problem. We don't do enough around the house. I've just arrived in the library because I can't stay at home because I think I've just snapped over the past 3 weeks. I've realised that what she's been doing isn't right and that I shouldn't really take it. I normally never stay angry with her for this long but at the moment I feel like I'll never get past this. I've been quite down for the past couple of weeks and I honestly believe it's because I'm hung up on these problems at home. I don't like feeling like this but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wanted to thank people for their replies. They've been really helpful.

PS sorry about the long posts, takes this much typing to get my point across.

limklad

As you already know by reading other posts, you are not alone. Unfortunately up and down the country this has happen and it is continue to happen. Children are at the mercy at poor parenting, Yelling and shouting at their kids. I can see that the kids are more adult than the parents especially mother who throw childish tantrums when things do not go their way. I know because my mother is one of them, constant giving out about what problems other are causing them and no issue is too small with them (always big). When I talk about it openly I notice other have listens. When I told my company doctors, he told it is more common that I taught, and he knew the signs of the symptoms for it. As I talk about it he said you are another casualty of mother’s abuse.

You mother is acting very childish and is using a putting her problems on you. She does that because you always cave in. It is emotional abuse. It is her choice, not yours and it is not pretty, because you have to suffer. Just because your brother is not doing his bit, does not give her the right to abuse you about it. It is not your fault. Over the years she probably used a lot of verbal abuse on the two of you and he became more and more stubborn about it and had enough in complying with her extreme and demanding orders.

She is at fault if she feels lonely and she is digging a deeper hole for herself if she continues. Giving her flowers etc is bribery and if works, you will be forever have to bribe her for her attention and complying and she will continue in emotionally abusing you.
You probably look at other families and see mothers getting well with their daughters and sons. Do you want to know why they get on and other do not? It is because the Mother is a lot more emotional stable and do not give out excessively nor abuse their kids. They truly love their kids, not selfish love.
I badly need to write my autobiography about my cruel mother (with her Jekyll and Hyde personality). She though she was great that she had eight kids!!
As I got older she changes tactics with me. Today we do not have a relationship because of her attitude and bad behavior towards me. She drove me insane and broke me down often until I did not react any more. I could not even react at good things she done as she always had an agenda and use it against me the next time she had a problem. Through out my childhood, teens and early adulthood, she sucked all my energy with her constant complaining and giving out over ridicules and small things. She constantly complained about my father, brothers, and sisters to me and if it was my fault for their actions and use them against me too. I did a lot of chores too but it always not good enough for her. She was a poor teacher at home and demanded a lot and my father was not much better. I gave her more chances that she deserved. Today she is still telling lies and demeaning any work I have done ridicule me in front of others, and constantly using emotional abuse on other by acting the innocent party. At that time I had no options or choice. As she had total control, because she knew I can only have one mother.

I did what she though was unimaginable. I cut all ties on the last fight, two years ago. I had enough. I was already living away from home for several years. Since I moved out her behavior did improve but it was not good enough. She refuses to accept responsibility for her bad behavior. As far as she is concern she is the BOSS and what she says goes. She denies and tries to escape any responsibility for her actions by blaming others.
She is the total opposite of her own mother in which I have great time and respect for.
Throughout those painful years under my mother cruel rule, I learnt not to fight back, to be the better person. I did my chores both at home and on the farm, and during the summer I had to work away so I could earn enough money to buy school items such as pencils, biros, repair for my bike to cycle to school etc.
Anyone I work for always wanted me back, I never lazy around and did the job in the manner they wanted it done, because they taught me in how to do it. I always found

You try talking to her and she refuses to change, that is her choice not yours. It is her relationship with you she has damaged. She is been childish emotionally and she knows she has control, which is a lethal combination.
Good news is you have nothing to be embarrassed about, even if she abuses you in public. More and more people frown on bad behavior like your mothers.
At the moment she releasie it or not, you will move out within two years. Sounds a long time I know at this point, but believe it or not it will come quickly than you think. When that time comes and you are independent financially, then she will be force to start changing her ways, or lose you forever. It is not easy, but over time it will improve.
I hear comments like pulling you weight etc, or saying staying in your room is childish. I think these comments are b*llsh*t as they do not understand the abuse that cruel mothers lash out to their kids. You cannot expect that the mothers have a right to bullies their kids because the kids made a mistake or forget to do something. It is up to the parents to teach their kids, not terrify nor abuse their kids, no matter what age they are.
Lets take some points there.
You do your chores and more since your brother is not doing his.
You attempted talking and listening to her every day and she responded with bitching.
You basically attempted to get on with her and stood there when she abuses you.

She chose to have you (After all did you have a say when she and your father had sex to convince you)
Your mother responsibility (or she will fall fowl of the law).
It is to raise and care for you. (You will be taking of her hands and humiliated by other family members, friends, neighbors).
To clothed and feed you.
To send you to school (or she be punished).
Should I go on?

You are not at fault and you are doing your bit.
At the moment you are out of your wits because of your mother locking horns with you. You feel that she is taking all of your energy away from you. She is distracting you from college.

I going to give you suggestions and it is up to you to choose the best method for yourself. I know that you are financially depended on your parents and you do not have many options.
1/. Try and study at college in the evening if you can. Try and find somewhere there to eat. If you can pack some snacks with you. Even if it one or two evening. You need to think of a legit excuse. Do not lie on this, or you will dig a bigger hole for yourself.
Let your mother know that you need to study there, use computers, library, etc.
You need to study in the library, you can do research there. (your reason that you do not say is because it is peaceful. This is the truth).
2/. Since talking to your father did not help, you need to learn to ignore her abuse. The technique I give you is the following, when your mother is not anywhere in the house to disturb you. In your room, sit on your bed. Close your eyes and repeat the previous bad experiences with your mother. Relive them, feel your feelings let them come and admit that they are there and look deep into your mother eyes and see the weak mother that she is. (Remember abusive people use aggression to cover their weakness and short comings). You will feel you have some control over your emotions. You will need to practice this until you feel more comfortable in bad situations.

Remember it is your reactions and behavior that you need to control, not your mothers. Do not try to change her. It not your responsibility, it is her choice to change. Do not let her control your emotions or drain your energy in thinking about the problems. Try to remain calm even in pain and admit to your self you have pain. Pain whenever physical or emotional is letting you know that something is wrong. You should not let pain control you. It is ok to cry and let the pain go, crying and talking about it helps. In the end it is your mother sbusive actions that is losing you, because she do not own you for this is slavery.

limklad

pink_lady wrote:

It's the way she was brought up and you're never going to change her train of thought.

OP
By the Way my mother was not raised in the same manner, she treated me or others. I already talked to my aunts about their childhood and most of them expept one other raised their kids with true respect.
It was always her choice in how she lived her life and the manner she raised her kids.
My mother is aggressive while her mother is sweet and kind.

jimmycrackcorm

Menopause?

Beruthiel

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

Menopause?

Could well be.
It's absolutely no excuse though.

OP
Your mother has problems, you may love her but they are not your problems.
You do not have children so they can 'do' for you when you're not up for it yourself.
The saying 'you have to be cruel to be kind' was never more true in your case.
Your mother needs to face up to her problems and not project them on to everyone around her.
I blame your father for this, he should and could have done something to sort it. I cannot understand why he is even still with her. I don't accept the excuse 'have to stick together no matter how much crap I get' even my parents at the age of 67 wouldn't agree with that and were thrilled to see one of their daughters leave an abusive waste of space b/f.

My point is, though you love your parents, they are weak and it is not your place as their child to take that load on your back.
I would never in a million years expect such a thing as that from my daughter. I understand that at the age of 19 she is her own person now and she must do whatever it takes to make good her own life. I wouldn't dream of doing anything to pull her back or away from that.
Your mothers selfishness is quite gobsmacking and I can well understand why you are pissed off with her.

Talk to your Dad at this lunch, be strong minded, tell him straight how you see things, don't hold back, ask for his help and tell him if he cannot do anything for you at this stage then you do whatever it takes on your own to move on and away from this crap. You can do that you know, you are old enough to go it on your own, it won't be easy and you'll probably just about scrape by, but in a few years you'll be flying and proud of yourself and what you done for yourself.
It upsets me to see how much of this crap you are taking on your own shoulders, I insist you stop that right now, you are not Jesus and you don't need to carry anyone else's cross. Let it go and get on with making your life as great as you possibily can.
Best of luck!
a

Crea

I can definitely see both sides but the OP is really getting a raw deal from evreyone in the family.
As a mother there is nothing more soul destroying than coming in from a full days work and having to cook the dinner, clean the kitchen and tidy the house without any help at all. This can cause a build up of resentment and frustration which unfortunately is taken out on OP because she is the only one in the house to pay any attention to her mother. I have to say the father sounds like a bit of a sh*t to be honest. He isn't responding to his wifes unhappiness and allowing this to be taken out on his daughter. This thing of parents sticking together is crap. Myself and hubby would never pull each other up in front of the kids but I can tell you we've had many a "discussion" later.
My mother was also a shouter and I was always the one to react, either shouting back or going out of my way to help which of course was never remembered by the time her next blow up would happen. We didn't have a good relationship until I had left home a number of years. My mother will never admit that she was a crap parent to me while I was in my teens. I know I was hotheaded and have apologised to her about it but she has never apologised to me about how she treated me. I have had to come to terms with this and I will never rub her face in it because, while it would give me closure, I know that this would destroy the relationship that we have.
OP, you need to talk to your father and tell him how this treatment is affecting you and how you are getting the brunt of his and your brothers behaviour. The best option is for you to move out and get some distance between you and your mother. You may find that you can get a grant or loan on your own or your father will co-sign a loan once he realises how bad things are for you.
You are not responsible for your mothers behaviour, only she can control that. You are definitely not being childish, no one in their right mind puts themselves in the line of aggressive behaviour. You have done all you can on your side and it hasn't made any difference to your mothers behaviour so now if you can you should leave.
The very best of luck.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the advice.

I've just re read my posts. I feel maybe I haven't indicated that I do get in bad moods too and can be snappy (this is normal for most people) but it's not constant. I find my temper becoming shorter and shorter with her though.

Also I've nothing to hold against Dad. If I'm given a chore he does help me if he's around. Like he always helps me and my brother with the tidy up after dinner even if Mom insists that he doesn't. He just got sick of the arguments and it is understandable I think.

I don't see my dad signing off on a loan though. '