Boyfriend and his brother

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my boyfriend for four years, we live together. While we have a lot in common and get on well, we do have problems. Mostly stemming from me admittedly, I have a few 'issues' I guess with men and relationships and my past relationshps have all been turbulent. He's much more settled than me, very sensible at times, border line borng. Sometimes I want to just break out and do crazy things though sometimes I like his settled nature and his stability. He is a very good man and I am in love with him. I get frustrated though sometimes.

Which leads me to my problem. He has a brother who I actually met before him and liked him. Well there was probably a spark of attraction initially and this spark has grown. I really am attracted to him and when we've met up recently I find it difficult to stop flirting with him. He is that bit more feistier and we click off each other well. I feel the attraction is mutual though I can't really be sure.

They get on very well and I know he would not do anything to hurt my boyfrined, as I wouldn't. I don't want anythiing to happen really. I've just been having fantasies about him and have to let off steam somewhere so that's why I'm on here. I don't really want to tell any of my friends about it as I know it's not fair to my boyfriend.

While I do get on with his boyfriend, i have a lot in common with his brother and we are very similar. I was out with him at the weekend and was actually so attracted to him I feel I have to do something, not say anything but just get out of my relationship with my boyfriend or something. Maybe this crush will pass though.. I dunno.

I know what i'm thinking is wrong so please don't be too judgemental. I don't know if I'm looking for advice becaue I'm not going to do anything about my feelings for his bro, I'm just letting off steam. Have any of you had similar experiences?

ELLIEJ

Avoid his brother like the plague and then decide if you are happy with your live in boyfriend. Boredom in a relationship and this sounds like you want some excitement can also be a warning sign that something is seriously wrong between you.

yellowellie

Is it just the brother or would you find yourself being attracted to other guys?
Maybe it's a case of 'you want what you can't have'. Maybe he doesn't like you as much as you think and vice versa but it's a safe way of flirting because you both know nothing could ever happen. Flirting is fun but boundaries are necessary and in such a sensitive situation you need to be aware of when boundaries are reached/stepped over.

Maybe you're getting nervous about your relationship because it's going well and is long-term and you've had issues before so fancying the brother is your sub-conscious way of freaking out a little about how well things are going.. Don't know if I'm making any sense here.. Or as ELLIEJ said, it could be a sign of a problem in your relationship, which is actually more likely I'd say.

If it was me, I would NOT tell my boyfriend how I was feeling about his brother and, like you,I would definitely NOT act on it. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. I would be extremely hurt if my long-term boyfriend and sister were seriously flirting.

You need to have a good think, not about how you feel about the brother but how you feel about your boyfriend.

Fanny Cradock

Although not 100% applicable here, I feel that the wisdom of Twink is such that it transcends the male/ female divide: so, zip up your mickey, woman.

It sounds like you are bored with your relationship... it happens. However, doing anything with the guys brother would be a HUGE and selfish mistake. I'd go as far as suggesting you should stop seeing the brother under ANY circumstance. What good can possibly come of it?

You need to figure out what future there is between you and your boyfriend and stop messing about. Cop on, don't be a selfish cow. Acting on your infatuation would make you just that. Personally I think you have already gone a little (just a little) too far, but you have the choice to nip this inappropriate behaviour in the bud now before any of this "I couldn't help myself" craaaaaap.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for your advice ellie J and yellowellie. Yes I know what you mean yellowellie about sub-consciously sabotaging things and to be honest I think sometimes I do this a bit with my boyfriend. We do fight a lot and sometimes we just don't gel. But then I look at hime sometimes and I know that I'll never meet someone who is such a fantastic person. I do love him. However the physical side is not as great as it was at the beginning. I know this is probably normal.

Maybe it could just be a safe way for his bro to flirt alright as I know he isn't going out with anyone or hasn't really seriously since me and the boyf are together. I don't know if he feels the attraction though I really do think he does. He has said certain things like he was planning to ask me out when we originally met but his bro got in there first. And you know when there is just massive tension? And I catch him looking at me sometimes. I really can't be sure though and I suppose it isn't the point anyhows.

You're right, I should just avoid him. I'm meant to be going out with him again with my boyfriend on friday night and I'm half excited and half dreading it. I don't want to do anything stupid or upset my boyfriend. Of course it would be devestating. I wouldn't tell either of them either but I'm just beginning to fancy him so much I'm afraid it's obvious.

I guess i will have to think about my relationship with my boyfriend seriously.'

LegacyUser

'Haha Fanny Cradock! I never thought I'd hear that pearl of wisdom from twink used in my direction but yea you're probably right.

I do know what i'm thinking is selfish.. you're right though. It'll be hard not to see him, logistically wise I'm thinking but yea I suppose I could just avoid at all costs. It probably is for the best. But then again I can only avoid him to a certain extent otherwise the boyfriend would think something strange is going on..

Oh and yellowellie, not attracted to other guys at all. Don't even look at other guys. Just the bro. God I wish it was just a random other guy, at least that wouldn't be so nasty.'

easyontheeye

seriously, you need to end it if you dont get over this soon. You will end up making a move or something stupid on his brother when your pissed and he will knock you back and it well destroy everyone, you boyfriend well hate you and his brother even though its not his brothers fault.

OR you will end up venting this sexual frustration on some randomer! Sounds like your bored beyonf belief. Everyone should be 100% satisfied with their partner and you have made enough comments about your boyfriend to know that you are no where near 100% satisfied.... being a nice guy and stable and all that is not enough for you...on the other hand you risk losing that being with someone mad crazy and alittle loose!

seriously consider saving your boyfriend the heartache and break it off IF you dont think you can get over your lusty feelings for other men

LegacyUser

'Hi I've tried posting a few messages but they don't seem to be showing up.

I appreciate all your comments, I had to laugh at the twink one. Didn't thinK I'd ever be told to zip up my mickey but I can see where you're coming from.

Yes I suppose I should try to put some distance between us, I don't want to do anything stupid.'

the_syco

Originalposter wrote:

'Hi I've tried posting a few messages but they don't seem to be showing up.

When you post anon, they won't show untill a Mod vets it to make sure that its not spam, racist, etc.

=-=

OP: sounds like 2 halves. You're with the good quite half, yet, having met the "fun" other half, you split.

My advice: if you loose the good one, the other one will proberly shun you as if you are a leper. Are you sure he's not just being friendly, purely cos you're his bro's gf?

LegacyUser

'Yea you're right about the two 'halves'. There are obvious similiarties between them so there is a similar attraction but there are differences too. To be honest it's totally possible he's just being friendly, but there is a huge 'chemistry' there. You know when you just know when someone likes you? Also when we get on really well we are very focused on each other and there is tension. I don't think he can help it either. Again I am speculating, but I am a good judge of character. He has also said things sometimes that he had planned to ask me out before the boyfriend did and even my boyfriend has picked up a little bit that he definitely liked me/maybe still likes me.

But yea if I did break up with boyfriend it probably wouldn't mean that that we'd get together. Blood is thicker than water and I respect that. I don't even know if I have deep deep feelings for him, it could just be a pure physical attraction. I think from reading through your posts the best thing is to just try to not see him for a while. I have been doing that a bit so I guess it's best just to keep on doing it and focus on my feelings for my boyfriend and our relationships.

I know this is such a horrible discussion in many ways, I'm glad I posted here though as it was good to get the feedback, takes me out of my fantasies a bit. Maybe I am just a bit sexually frustrated!'

elayna

I think you already know this, but you really can't even consider persuing anything with his brother. I understand the attraction, as I've been in a similar position myself. However, you say you have four years of history with your boyfriend. Whether or not you met his brother first is irrelevant at this point. It's far too late to change your mind about which family member you want to date. Even if you did end things with your boyfriend, began dating his brother, and neither of them hated you (which, lets face it, the chances of are slim), your new boyfriend would most likely never be able to get over the fact that his own sibling had been with you. It also worries me how you say you're excited about hanging out with the two of them, because it seems like you're far more excited about getting to be near his bro and sort of using your boyfriend as an excuse to do so. Seems like you need to examine your relationship. It doesn't feel good to settle for someone, and it sucks even more to be the one who's settled for.

Carrigart Exile

If you do anything you will not only destroy your boyfriend but his family. That would be unforgivab;le especially just for a bit of selfish excitement. Don't know if its applicable but there was a similar 'bored with my great boyfriend' problem in one of the nationals several years back. It was from a girl in your same situation who had left to explore a life of exciting other men. She found herself, ten years later back home, a series of failed relationships behind her (usually with men who got easily bored with her) and to cap it all she saw her ex with his wife and child doing family stuff which completely destroyed her. Sorry its almost a parable.

NutJob

Big no no

Avoid the brother like the plague

Anything else is asking for more trouble than anyone can handle

Sony

I feel sick for your boyfriend just thinking of this to be honest, I know this might only be lust but Id still quetion how much you love him

Sounds to me as though you've some thinking to do if youre boyfriend is boring you

Black Swan

No future with b/f's brother. Keep some space and stop flirting. Being bored with b/f is not a good sign either? Is there something you can do to improve your relationship, or something he can do too?

ELLIEJ

His brother sounds like a bit of an asshole - is he trying to cause problems between you two by telling you his brother got there first??? Bear in mind that there may be sibling rivalry on the go there and maybe he is deliberately trying to take what his brother has...... I guess once he gets what he wants he wont want it any more... He does not sound like a nice guy to me...

LegacyUser

'

Carrigart Exile wrote:

If you do anything you will not only destroy your boyfriend but his family. That would be unforgivab;le especially just for a bit of selfish excitement. Don't know if its applicable but there was a similar 'bored with my great boyfriend' problem in one of the nationals several years back. It was from a girl in your same situation who had left to explore a life of exciting other men. She found herself, ten years later back home, a series of failed relationships behind her (usually with men who got easily bored with her) and to cap it all she saw her ex with his wife and child doing family stuff which completely destroyed her. Sorry its almost a parable.

Please this sounds like something from the dark ages. I'm not an idiot, don't treat all women as one. So what if i break up with my boyfriend? You're saying I'm going to lead a life of misery. Read your peig sayers every day.

I know what I'm dong wrong, but please dont' try to throw this sort of silly talk in my face. I'm looking for an adult discussion.'