Dad had affair - what to do?

LegacyUser

Got a call from mum today to say that she got a very disturbing letter. Turns out my dad had been having an affair for a number of years without us knowing. It lasted 4 years and ended 2 years ago. The girl who wrote the letter was the daughter of the woman she was seeing. Apparently dad was very much a part of their family and extremely well regarded and was very kind to all the kids etc, often attending family events like confirmations etc. He paid for lots of things and acted as agony aunt in times of trouble. He told the woman that he has been separated for 12 years. Aprantrly he also owes them money to which they have had no responce.

This is very difficult for my mum to deal with as she has had a very hard time living with him over the years. He was nowhere near as 'part of the family' as mum would like, often away for important events. She's not angel and is difficult to live with too, but his responce is to not talk to her which she cannot stand. My parents are struggling financially and because of this they are forced to stay together. Otherwise they would spit up. I am the youngest, I have two older siblings but they live overseas. I get on best with my dad we are very close, but he is never really that open with his feelings so I don't know how we are going to deal with this.

Honestly, when I heard the news I was not really surprised. It did not really shock me. I kinda thought something like this might happen one day. Mum had told me of her suspicions of affairs when I was a kid but never had any proof. Basically, they can't split up, it just won't work. But now my poor mother who has suffered so much already, has to live with this knowing how she has been so betrayed. I just called her and she said she left the letter out for him to see when he came home. He apparently glanced at it and refused to comment. I sent him a text asking him to call me but I can't see that happening. But I am the only one he will talk to. I'm just not sure how to approach it...

Comments appreciated.
Thanks

Acid_Violet

I'd say to support your mum the best you can. If he's not commenting or talking it's because he's not accepting his own wrong-doing or because he's in denial. I don't know the whole situation, but in cases like this things from the past and the bigger picture come completely into account regarding why things happened. What would probably be the best would be counselling for your parents and maybe the family as a whole. What is the opinion of the other family, now they know he's married?

dame

You may be a grown-up but they are still your parents. You should advise them to get counselling but otherwise keep your distance from the situation. The last thing you need is to be hearing intimate details, grievances or being coaxed into supporting one side over another.

Your mother shouldn't have been telling you, as a kid, that she suspected your father of affairs. Parents should not burden their children with matters like this, especially when she didn't even have any proof.

limklad

You are in a very difficult position.

what2do22 wrote:

Aprantrly he also owes them money to which they have had no responce.

Is it the money they want, Is this the only reason why this one wrote the letter!!

what2do22 wrote:

She's not angel and is difficult to live with too, but his responce is to not talk to her

I bet they fight a lot over the years and you father no longer want to fight because he feels it a waste of time, because as far as your mother always nag him. Any time he responded she attack more. No wonder he went looking else where. What both of your parents done is not fair on anyone of you. They have shown they are poor models for marriage. It was their choice to do what they do. They are both guilty.

what2do22 wrote:

Basically, they can't split up, it just won't work. But now my poor mother who has suffered so much already, has to live with this knowing how she has been so betrayed.

Do not waste your energy on their situation, because it is their choice not yours. It is so emotional draining. If they try to sucker you, you need to get tough on them and tell them it is both of their faults that their marriage is a disaster. I know it is an uncomfortable situation and you are in the middle.
Your father feels he lost you because he is guilty of having an affair and he has been caught. Your mother is playing the victim because she got the perfect excuse and it is so easy for her to use it to guilt trip on you. So you need to be careful here. Again I will repeat this they are both guilty because they did not try to make their marriage work. Blame/fighting/guilt trips etc is easy for aggressive/don’t care people. Making a relationship work after it fails is hard. It takes guts and love to make it work.

Live your own life, live your own dreams and look to your own future, because that is important now. You have the opportunity to create a better future than your parents, because you can learn from their mistakes without having to repeat them.

elayna

I can relate to this completely. Grew up hearing about my dad's affairs since I was a kid (20 now). It still isn't completely settled, due to the same financial situation nonsense. Don't know how old you are, OP, but if it's possible, do whatever you can to distance yourself from it. Parents shouldn't be bringing their children (of any age) into such heavy problems. You shouldn't have to take sides. It's really tricky... I'm still living at home (with my mother only) and never figured out how to be there for her when the whole thing had me screwed up nearly as much. There's not a whole lot you can do. One thing that did seem to help my mom is talking to other women her age who had dealt with similar issues. So maybe some kind of support group (I don't know if these actually exist, but there's groups for everything so probably) or somewhere to socialise with others would help. As for talking to your dad about it, I wouldn't count on that happening, and to be honest, it's probably best if you don't hear every detail anyway. He knows that you know. There's not a whole lot to say beyond that. This is their thing to work out. Don't let it tear you apart as well.

Carrigart Exile

what2do22 wrote:

Got a call from mum today to say that she got a very disturbing letter. Turns out my dad had been having an affair for a number of years without us knowing. It lasted 4 years and ended 2 years ago. The girl who wrote the letter was the daughter of the woman she was seeing. Apparently dad was very much a part of their family and extremely well regarded and was very kind to all the kids etc, often attending family events like confirmations etc. He paid for lots of things and acted as agony aunt in times of trouble. He told the woman that he has been separated for 12 years. Aprantrly he also owes them money to which they have had no responce.

This is very difficult for my mum to deal with as she has had a very hard time living with him over the years. He was nowhere near as 'part of the family' as mum would like, often away for important events. She's not angel and is difficult to live with too, but his responce is to not talk to her which she cannot stand. My parents are struggling financially and because of this they are forced to stay together. Otherwise they would spit up. I am the youngest, I have two older siblings but they live overseas. I get on best with my dad we are very close, but he is never really that open with his feelings so I don't know how we are going to deal with this.

Honestly, when I heard the news I was not really surprised. It did not really shock me. I kinda thought something like this might happen one day. Mum had told me of her suspicions of affairs when I was a kid but never had any proof. Basically, they can't split up, it just won't work. But now my poor mother who has suffered so much already, has to live with this knowing how she has been so betrayed. I just called her and she said she left the letter out for him to see when he came home. He apparently glanced at it and refused to comment. I sent him a text asking him to call me but I can't see that happening. But I am the only one he will talk to. I'm just not sure how to approach it...

Comments appreciated.
Thanks

Its slightly off at a tangent but worth saying for your own piece of mind. By the sound of it your dad had the marraige he wanted with this other family but he didn't leave. That will be because of his love for you, he couldn't leave you, so please keep that in mind.

Marksie

what2do22 wrote:

I sent him a text asking him to call me but I can't see that happening. But I am the only one he will talk to. I'm just not sure how to approach it...

Comments appreciated.
Thanks

The situation is now in open, your father is aware that you know.
What you cannot do is force the issue, you know your father better than we do obviously and mention that he doesn't open up. Really if he wants to talk it is up to him.

From your post it seems you are displaying a mature attitude and not falling on one side of the fence or the other. As you indicate, the family situation is a lot more complex.
It must be incerdibly difficult for you at the moment as one side or the other may wish to draw you in and onto their side.
All you can do to both is say you are ther if they wish to talk.

Sleepy

OP - it's your parents relationship, let them sort it out. I know that sounds harsh but from experience, I know that getting involved in these things will damage your relationship with one or the other of your parents. Be there for them both but refuse to let either of them badmouth the other in your presence if you get my gist.

If you've got some friends you can discuss this with talk to them to help deal with this yourself. If ya don't, I've been through the whole thing before and my inbox is open.

Black Swan

Don't take sides. Be there for both of them. You only have one Da and Mum in this life.