Dating Issue

LegacyUser

Hi,

I just want to get this out and see what people think... thanks in advance.

I was on a date with a girl last night, it was a first date and things went smashingly. In the middle of the date this girl (who's from North America) said that over there, until it's agreed that you're ''exclusive'' then you're still single, regardless of dates. She says this because in her opinion Irish guys seem to think you're in a relationship from the get go. Fair enough i say.

She also mentions that she has a certain amount of dates with a guy(to get to know him) before deciding to be exclusive. Again, fair enough.

Now, along with this, she also mentions that she's onto the 3rd or 4th date stage with another guy at the moment. And this is what is bugging(if that) me. I don't mind it as it's none of my business and she has every right because we are not in a relationship(i do realise this).

But i just can't help thinking of it, right now, we're very much in contact, texting, emailing. I would call it smitten. But the part that feels odd to me is that she's like this with me, but she could be also like this with the other guy. And when we meet up we're going to be all cuddling/kissy kissy but she may meet up with the other guy and be like this also. It's just odd, imo.

So, am i being insecure? Or am i experiencing human nature?

One more thing, i am afraid of getting too involved too much and then have her realise that she wants to be exclusive with this other guy. That would NOT be good. As i do think she is fantastic, and i've never looked forward to a second date(tomorrow night) so much in my life!! hahaha...

Anyway, opinions greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

whiskeyman

Dating Issue wrote:

Now, along with this, she also mentions that she's onto the 3rd or 4th date stage with another guy at the moment. And this is what is bugging(if that) me

I'm not surprised it bugging you! She was stupid to tell you this.
I've been in the situation where I was datinbg two girls at once, but I'd never let on to either and I'd make sure I'd stay with whichever I knew had more potential, and wouldn't string the other along. ONe, or both parties will get hurt otherwise.

The fact she told you it was on the 3rd or 4th date, means this other guy is verging on the 'exclusivity' factor, which means you could be getting the dump soon, unless you stand up better. But this is all something that shouldn't even be going through you're head as she should never of have told you. I guess it's like an unwritten rule. You just don't tell them. Try not to get too loved up with her until you know where you stand.
Good luck

Ruu_Old

I think she might be stringing you along OP and I am not suprised it is wrecking your head. Right now she has two people after her.

seamus

There's also a chance she's attempting to mess with your head. Making up another guy who's further along than you are, in order to force you to up your game...

garthv

Shes right to a certain extent,
Irish lads think its a relationship from the get-go,
But she shouldnt of told you she was dating someone else as well
If you like the bird, go for it, maybe youll get her to ditch the other chap, who knows!

randylonghorn

Dating Issue wrote:

Or am i experiencing human nature?

Absolutely.

That said, she has been honest and fair with you, and that deserves your respect, if anything. I would disagree with the attitude "she shouldn't have told you". Would she have been a better person because she was less honest with you?

And she is right in thinking that Irish people are inclined to jump into at least the assumption of "exclusive" very easily.

Tbh, I don't think anyone can answer this question for you ... it has to be down to you and what you are comfortable with.

That said, if it was me, I would give it tomorrow night at the very least, and then see how you feel.

Best of luck.

ELLIEJ

I think it is human nature but in saying that she is being honest with you. I know for a fact that its the way they do things over there and is totally the norm. It actually makes more sense to me to get to know someone before you make any kind of a committment with them.

In saying that, she shouldnt have told you she was seeing someone else. You can look at it this way - she is honest and upfront.... As for 3rd or 4th date it means nothing. They can see each other for months without any committment... I would go out with her again and see if you have a good time. Dont create problems before there are any and take it one day at a time or you could end up not giving it a fair go.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response guys...

I'm going to play devils advocate for now... I have my own reasons for her telling me this, one is that she wanted to see my reaction, she did say she'd be burned in the past for being to honest. As in, she has told guys this before and they freaked out. So i thought maybe she wanted to see if i would.

And the other reason she brought it up was just through habit, she said it in passing conversation, not really thinking about it. Like i said, she's from a different country where as far as she says, this isn't a big deal...

Hmm, i think i may need to bring it up tomorrow night, i don't know how. Any suggestions on that one? It may not be any of my business but i think i need to hear what the real story with this other fella is. I didn't ask last night, but, i just need to know. If she acts the same with him as she does with me, and also has that ''smitten'' connection with him as she does with me. Then i think i'd have to just cut all ties:(

However, if she's not that bothered with him, then... i got to take her word for it.

Black Swan

Different culture. She is "dating" two lads. She is not serious about either one yet, and may never get serious. Who knows?

loismustdie

i can see her point of view but it's not right to be flirty and kissing more than one guy, here that would be considered slutty but i know that's not intentional, it's just what she's used to. in a way i'd be inclined to say when in rome... explain that to her tomorrow night and if she doesn't understand ask yourseld is it worth it?

Caliden

I'd say let her off and forget about her. She probably thinks just because she has 2 guys after her that she can string both along for the ride so that each of you are trying to out-do the other in the hope of being 'exclusive' with her.
If I were you I wouldn't bother me arse and let her have the other guy.

free2fly

It's only your second date with this girl. If you feel the need to talk to her about this just ask her how involved with this other guy she is. And tell her that you'd like to know what your chances are.

LundiMardi

Ask her how things are going with the other guy, ask her if she sees things becoming exclusive with him.

If she says yes... leave.

If she says she doesn't know... tell her to think about it, and that you'd love to see her if she decides to ditch him. But until then, you can't get any more involved, for your own sake.

If she says no, ask her why she's still ''dating'' him. Otherwise, all is good.

She must like him to some degree if they've gotten past a 2nd date at least.

I_and_I

It depends on what you want from this I geuss, just enjoy the ride. On the other hand it is bount to be a bit of a let down when she tells you that the decision between the two of you was so hard to make she had to resort to who had the largest endowment and its not you.:eek:

LundiMardi

I_and_I wrote:

It depends on what you want from this I geuss, just enjoy the ride. On the other hand it is bount to be a bit of a let down when she tells you that the decision between the two of you was so hard to make she had to resort to who had the largest endowment and its not you.:eek:

Personally, i wouldn't let things go past kissing until you know the full story. That's just me though.

Dating two guys is one thing, sleeping with both before making the decision is totally different in my opinion.

randylonghorn

Dating Issue wrote:

Hmm, i think i may need to bring it up tomorrow night, i don't know how. Any suggestions on that one?

If you really feel the need, keep it light-hearted.

"So ... should I be worried?!" or some such, rather than getting too needy about it.

"It's kinda a new idea to me ... not sure how I feel about it" will come across as much more mature than "You're two-timing me!!! YOU B****"

Remember, it's only your second date. It's way too early to feel you have any right to get heavy.

If you feel you can't cope, that's fair enough. Say so ... but remember that if so it's your problem, not hers.

Black Swan

randylonghorn wrote:

Remember, it's only your second date. It's way too early to feel you have any right to get heavy.

Agree. Don't rush it. Chill out, go with the flow, have fun, and see what develops.

LegacyUser

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Agree. Don't rush it. Chill out, go with the flow, have fun, and see what develops.

I'd agree, but this is a case where by if i go with the flow, it could result in me getting hurt. And to be honest, that's happened enough and i don't particularly want it to happen again.

But i will keep it light hearted, randylonghorn's suggestion seems like the way to go.

ELLIEJ

I think a lot of posters dont realise how normal this is for the Americans. Its the way they do things. Dating can mean going for a coffee, see a movie or dinner. It does not mean she is sleeping with him but she is getting to know both of you.

Ok, we are not used to it here. Its seems weird and like she is using you both but she is not. She is not asking for a committment from both of you she is being honest.

I would just explain to her that we operate differently over here (I would prefer the US way as everyone knows the rules but its a different thread) and you would like to know where she stands with the other guy.

Dont think too much about it. Enjoy the night out and its probably onlya pride thing.

King of Kings

hey OP
i probably would be cheesed off if i was on a date with a girl and she was 4th date stage with another guy.
In fact if i was on 4th date stage with any girl i would consider although we're not "going out" the view to us going out must be there.
so maybe i am expecting exclusive dating at that stage without having an official relationship. To me it's just manners not to to be seeing other people.

I don't see myself as insecure in any way. i just feel anything she may say to you "sweet nothings" for what of a better term is quite insincere and cannot be taken seriously

sportswear

get rid of this bird instantly.

you are being her bitch.

sportswear

or actually a good thing to do would be to tell her that you are doing the same with another girl.

this will keep her on her toes, and get her nice and jealous.

LundiMardi

ELLIEJ wrote:

I think a lot of posters dont realise how normal this is for the Americans. Its the way they do things. Dating can mean going for a coffee, see a movie or dinner. It does not mean she is sleeping with him but she is getting to know both of you.

Ok, we are not used to it here. Its seems weird and like she is using you both but she is not. She is not asking for a committment from both of you she is being honest.

I would just explain to her that we operate differently over here (I would prefer the US way as everyone knows the rules but its a different thread) and you would like to know where she stands with the other guy.

Dont think too much about it. Enjoy the night out and its probably onlya pride thing.

She may not be asking for commitment but dating someone for 3, 4 or even 5 dates would give the impression that you really like someone and odds are that it would lead to a relationship. Even if short lived.

If she said she gives guys a certain amount of dates to see if they can be exclusive then this means she's thinking about it now or will start thinking of it soon. So the op may have to ask if she plans on doing it.

Also, if she's using this time to get to know each guy, then why any physical contact at all? I would consider it a bit weird if a girl was canoodleing with me and then doing to same thing with another guy the next night.

BEAT

ok, from a womans perspective... and being in the states right now, if she told you she was seeing the other guy too and that things werent exclusive until she decided and gave you the details of how many dates she had been on with said other guy then chances are you are not the one she wants to be exclusive with. A girl NEVER tells the other guy this info unless she is trying to give him a reality check. It sounds like she "likes" you but not in a relationship way...sucks but friends is better than nothing if you care enough about the "person"
Its more than likely that the other guy either doesnt know about you at all or he just thinks she is out with a buddy when she is out with you and not him.

now that being said, she would have to be a complete psycho wench to tell there was another guy if there wasnt so you should find someone else....

in both cases you want to get out of there. Have fun while you are out but dont put more into it because chances are if she hasnt told you she wants more by now she never will and from the sounds of it you are a nice guy and dont deserve to be hurt and could find better

LegacyUser

'Ok, bit of an update, i grew impatient and basically decided that i wanted to know where i stand. So i brought it up in conversation.
Basically, this is the jist of her answer, text by the way..

Question was, should i be worried about this other guy and does she see it going further with him?

1st... Well you should maybe keep your eyes open, but i do want to see you, so take that into account.

2nd(more specifically)... I'm not really sure yet, even if we didn't become a couple, he will probably always be a good friend of mine. But at the same time, i would really like to be able to say the same to you, that even if you decided we weren't right for each other, that we could still see each other as friends.

and 3rd.... I honestly don't know what's going to happen and if you let me get to know you maybe i will know then?

So that's that:( I have no idea what to do, even right now it's hard to take, as after so many other dates that led to nothing. I am genuinely interested in this girl. But i don't want to get hurt. I suppose if i were reading this thread i would point out that if she doesn't really know if she wants to be with this other guy after 4 dates then maybe that's not meant to be???

I dunno.'

ams

headwreck!!!

The phrase "have your cake...." comes to mind:rolleyes:

oranje

OP, I have to say that I am impressed with her honesty. You should look at it from a positive point of view.
Irish people maybe feel more pressure to be 'faithful' when you are seeing somebody so you sometimes overlook other opportunities until the one thing plays itself out (or not).
If I thought of all the times I didn't do something when I was younger just to be 'faithful' I would get myself depressed. Here you have a great chance to get know a nice girl with no strings attached and still go out with others.
You are free to do what you like and not feel guilty.

My advice is to have fun and try not to get all loved up. I imagibe this is exactly why she told you this. In one way your reaction to it proves her point about Irish guys wanting the relationship from the off.

Good luck and keep smiling.

vorbis

This isn't honesty in my book. Its pure game playing american style! I've lived over here in Boston for the past year. You'll bump into a lot of girls over here like that. They seem to believe they're the lead character in a 3 for 2 romance novel.

Ask yourself, why would she tell you about the other girl? Its not honesty, its to mess with your head! She's loving the attention and drama it creates. The right thing for her to do would have been not to tell you about the other guy. Then if she wants to become exclusive with someone other than you, just stop going out with you. Dump this girl, she's showing you no respect with this "maybe I like you" crap.

LegacyUser

'thanks again for the replies guys...

I'm going to hers tonight, leaving soon... This morning i was still confused as to weather i should. But decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.

We've been emailing all day, and i gotta tell ya, if i didn't know this guy existed then i would be feeling very confident. The compliments etc are flying in from all directions, she's very full on, not ''playing it cool'' so to speak. She even said that i am ''most of, if not all that i have been looking for''.

Well, we'll see how tonight goes at least. I'm looking forward to it, as is she. Still apprehensive, but from other opinions i've been seeking i've been told to just see how it goes for a few dates and then find out what the story is. I hope it doesn't back fire on me.'

s&mbarbie

have to say im ok with dating more than one guy...as long as you're up-front about not wanting to rush into a relationship, none of the guys you're dating need to know there are others

bug

to be honest I don't like the sounds of this.
Getting to know someone is fair enough, but there is always the option of being mates with people before you do anything, and keeping it at that.

Its a bit cake and eat it to be honest.
Seems like she knows your into her big time and feels comfortable enough to say to you "hey, you've got competition, hope you're ok with that, and I'm in the middle of making a decision"

I'm all for when in Rome....

littlesurfer

Spent a bit of time in the states and came across a lot of this....with girls dating more than one guy and basically keeping guys on their toes....


... I couldn't do it and i don't like the idea of it at all.

i don't know how your managing to chill and enjoy yourself while you know this girl is doing the same thing with another guy. She's on what?, date four with him? and she's still calling it a date as apposed to just being mates with him! not cool

_Kaiser_

Have to say I agree with the "cake and eat it" sentiments.

Fair enough, she's being honest and she should be given credit for that, but she's still trying to keep both guys sweet until she makes up her mind as to who she "likes" more, and that's not fair to EITHER of the lads involved IMO.

Also that might be how it works back home, but as the saying goes, "you're not in Kansas anymore" and if it was an Irish girl doing this, I think the "walk away" vote would be closer to 80/90%

LegacyUser

'Ok, i'm home now... Have to say it was a good night, most of it spent on the couch canoodling, kissing, whispering sweet nothings etc.

Unfortunately for me, i am stubborn as fúck, and i don't really believe in dating etiquette hahaha. So nearer the end of the night i decided to bring it up. I basically said that i hope she's thinking a little clearer on the subject after tonight, even by a little. This started the topic of conversation and i basically said that i felt a little uncomfortable. That i don't get why she would agree to meet me if she's ''seeing'' this other guy.

I asked her how she would feel if i was acting the same with another girl some other night, and she honestly said that she wouldn't mind. She truely sees nothing wrong with this at all. She also said that he had been over to hers as well, like me. And to be honest it sickens me to think of them on the couch, like we were tonight, kissing, canoodling, whispering sweet nothings etc... I mean, wtf? How insincere is that???? That's just fúcked up. She said i could stay over if i wanted, cos it's late and we were both exhausted, it was nothing sexual but we would have been sleeping in the same bed. I declined, but did she ask him the same thing? And did he?

Also, the topic came up of meeting over the weekend, she suggested sunday, and i just asked what she was up to on Sat, she just replied ''busy''... Maybe i'm jumping the gun, but i'm going to assume she's meeting him then, as i don't think she would have had time to so far this week, apart from before Tuesday when she first met up with me. To be honest it's just not on, i think it's time for me to just nip this in the bud.'

Red Alert

i may be quite unusual as a guy but that wouldn't really bother me at all. if i did like the girl it would probably get my ass into gear and make sure i made a good impression.

oranje

Dating Issue wrote:

Also, the topic came up of meeting over the weekend, she suggested sunday, and i just asked what she was up to on Sat, she just replied ''busy''... Maybe i'm jumping the gun, but i'm going to assume she's meeting him then, as i don't think she would have had time to so far this week, apart from before Tuesday when she first met up with me. To be honest it's just not on, i think it's time for me to just nip this in the bud.'

This is actually a major downer. If you are clearly not her Friday or Saturday night guy then you are not in pole position. You have two choices. You can either enjoy being with her from a physical point of view and just accept that she is doing the same things with another guy or call it quits.
It sounds like you like her too much to be the number two so maybe you should just tell her to get back to you if and when she wants to see you exclusively.
I've been where you are a couple of times and I had to take the second option both times.

kmick

Whatever you do - do NOT bring this up with her again. You will end up saying something you regret and be always on the back foot. Also you will lose face as you will seem desperate. Keep it cool and don't freak out. If she brings it up tell her you are fine with the whole non-exclusive thing. In fact you are so cool you also have decided that you would like to see other people as well. Play her at her own game. I have been out with a couple of girls from America and they are exactly the same as girls from everywhere else. She is measuring you up and seeing how you respond. Turn it around to your advantage. If she was going to pick this guy as her 'exclusive' she would have done so by now. She is hedging her bets. I know you are crazy about this chick but you need to think rationally. Have your second date and let her do the talking. If there is a third date to be organised dont agree on it straight away.

LegacyUser

'@ OP - you have to let her go. How long will this go on for? She's messing you around, you deserve better than that.

She's not buying a car FFS. How many test-drives is she intending to have? I say let the other guy work away, it's cutting you up and she's not worth it. Sounds like a self-centered nut job to me.'

tbh

shes being honest with you op, and its your choice whether to put up with it or not. it'd be COMPLETELY different if she was seeing this other guy on the sly, but she did the decent thing and now it's your call. Of course you could get hurt, but you might not - you just have to make a decision and stick with it.

LegacyUser

'Ok, last update methinks.... I ended ''it'', turns out there was a 3rd guy also. So told her to take a running jump.

No matter what, NO girl is worth ''competing'' over. Fúck that shít.

It's unfortunate, as i thought she was a nice girl, but **** it. She's not worth my time.

Thanks for all the advice guys.'

King of Kings

she is wrecking your head.
how can even try and fool yourself into thinking those sweet nothing are remotely genuine,
Value yourself and don't accept such shoddy treatment.

OP - if you were a girl this thread would be full of uproar and the shabby way the chap was treating you.


I would run away fast.

whiskeyman

Dating Issue wrote:

'Ok, last update methinks.... I ended ''it'', turns out there was a 3rd guy also. So told her to take a running jump.

No matter what, NO girl is worth ''competing'' over. Fúck that shít.

It's unfortunate, as i thought she was a nice girl, but **** it. She's not worth my time.

Thanks for all the advice guys.'

Jaysus!! 3?? Is that normal in America?
Well done man. You did the right thing. Best to end it now. Would have been so much worse had you beed led on for longer as it would have hurt so much more.
A girl like that doesn't deserve you, or anyone for that matter.
Chin up and have fun man.:)

Marksie

whiskeyman wrote:

Jaysus!! 3?? Is that normal in America?
Well done man. You did the right thing. Best to end it now. Would have been so much worse had you beed led on for longer as it would have hurt so much more.
A girl like that doesn't deserve you, or anyone for that matter.
Chin up and have fun man.:)

so she is polyamoury..big deal. She was honest and upfront.

She didn't lead the OP on.

as for fun..likely he could have had.

a "girl like that" deserves as much respect as any other.. where was she cheating? The OP knew ther was at least one other.

Accept it for some one partner is not an option, different partners supply different needs

LegacyUser

marksuttonie wrote:

so she is polyamoury..big deal. She was honest and upfront.

She didn't lead the OP on.

as for fun..likely he could have had.

a "girl like that" deserves as much respect as any other.. where was she cheating? The OP knew ther was at least one other.

Accept it for some one partner is not an option, different partners supply different needs

I never said she cheated, i do realise we were never in a relationship.

Going for coffee with a few guys, or a meal, is a date. This i don't think i would have a problem with as long as it's innocent on all parts (including mine)..

However, inviting someone to your home, sharing an evening with them, saying the things that we were saying, doing the things that we were doing, and asking me to spend the night and share her bed. Well, that to me, is a little more personal than a date. This to me showed that i meant something to her and visa versa. Now, this is all good, if the other guys are only getting coffee and a meal...

But! To do the exact same thing with the other guys(at least one) AS WELL. That is what my problem is. Because it just shows that what we did that night was all a sham.

Oh yeah, i forgot to say.. I did actually explain my reasons for thinking this, and she did actually say that i made a lot of sense. And that she thought she should take a step back from everyone. And do the whole friend thing, so she could still meet up with the all guys as ''friends'', no pressure on a relationship. But that there would still be cuddling but not kissing..... WTF??? The woman is crazy, simple as.

Anyway, it's done and dusted, i've told how what i think in no uncertain terms, so i doubt there will be much contact after that hahahaha:D

greenteaicedtea

I grew up in Canada and I only date one person at a time, so I don't think every North American does that dating-many-people thing. I thought that belonged in the 50s with the poodle skirts and sockhops.

but it's not right to be flirty and kissing more than one guy

that's how I feel too.

If I met someone who said they were dating other people, I would just write it off as an informal friendship and move on. But that's just me. :rolleyes: