How do you tell your partner you have depression?

LegacyUser

I was diagnosed with depression a few days ago and I don't know how to tell my boyfriend. We've only been going out a few months and I'm afraid that by saying anything to him about it, I'll show him all the insecurities and sadness I've been trying to hide from him. These are not attractive qualities, so it's a sort of a catch 22. If I don't tell him, then I don't know how I can be myself around him completely, with all the ups and downs... but if I do tell him, I just take it that it will completely turn him off me... I'm considering breaking up with him, just so he can go out with someone 'normal'

Has anyone had a partner (of only a short time) who told you that they were depressed+ you didn't get turned off by it (as it's not an attractive quality)?...

depressedchick

depressedchick wrote:

I was diagnosed with depression a few days ago and I don't know how to tell my boyfriend. We've only been going out a few months and I'm afraid that by saying anything to him about it, I'll show him all the insecurities and sadness I've been trying to hide from him. These are not attractive qualities, so it's a sort of a catch 22. If I don't tell him, then I don't know how I can be myself around him completely, with all the ups and downs... but if I do tell him, I just take it that it will completely turn him off me... I'm considering breaking up with him, just so he can go out with someone 'normal'

Has anyone had a partner (of only a short time) who told you that they were depressed+ you didn't get turned off by it (as it's not an attractive quality)?...

I know it's hard telling someone and breaking away from the secretiveness when you're depressed, but if you want things to go anywhere with him then that's what'll have to happen. If not now, at some point when you're more comfortable.
Try not to think about wanting him with someone "normal" - he's been with you for a few months so he's obviously at least somewhat interested in you.
Do you like him? Do you want things to go anywhere with him? Bring up the subject of depression in general to him as a start maybe, and see how he reacts. People can be surprisingly supportive and you may well be glad you told him after all. There's no point hiding it from him and there's no point breaking up with him because you're insecure - just see how he takes it and go from there. Either he can't handle it in which case you're better off without him, or he can and you'll be relieved.

hamsterboy

My GF was diagnosed with depression and all it did to our relationship is strenghten it. We were going out for about 6 years and livin together and I kinda had a feeling something was up.
Basically, the best thing to do is to just sit him down and lay it out for him. Different people will react different ways but if you 2 have any kind of bond, he should be ok about it.
It's not as if he can catch it or anything.

Marksie

depressedchick wrote:

I was diagnosed with depression a few days ago and I don't know how to tell my boyfriend. We've only been going out a few months and I'm afraid that by saying anything to him about it, I'll show him all the insecurities and sadness I've been trying to hide from him. These are not attractive qualities, so it's a sort of a catch 22. If I don't tell him, then I don't know how I can be myself around him completely, with all the ups and downs... but if I do tell him, I just take it that it will completely turn him off me... I'm considering breaking up with him, just so he can go out with someone 'normal'

Has anyone had a partner (of only a short time) who told you that they were depressed+ you didn't get turned off by it (as it's not an attractive quality)?...

The insecurities and sadness all contribute to, and are part of depression. The idea that your partner will not be supportive is weighing on your mind and that he may finds it a turn-off. That to is part of what you are going through.
The fact that you have been hiding this from him is making things worse.

In my experience, if a partner told me, or vice-versa, about depression, i would be there to help.
It is in effect what a partnership is about, giving the love and support when required.

When explained, possible behaviour attributes that you may have had become clear. He may have thought that it was him or may have been worried.

Your self esteem and worth are low at the moment, and you are entirely "normal", you just think that you are not.

Do not break up with him for this reason, and do not hide these things from him anymore.

If he cares about you, he will be there to support you. In opening to him, you will begin to unburden yourself and this may take you further on the road.
Best of luck
M

Black Swan

We all have our problems, even your b/f. Sharing is important to relationships, as is offering mutual support to each other. Don't leave him cause you have been diagnosed a depressive.

Archeron

I once went out with a girl who told me that she suffered from depression, and it made no difference to me. I had experienced depression before with members of my family though, so perhaps that made me a little more considerate in my response as I felt I had somewhat of an understanding.

However, a friend of mine once found out his girldfriend was depressed, and I'm sorry to say, he did end up finishing the relationship because of that. Personally, I found that abhorrent, but its important to keep in mind before you tell your b/f about this that the response could be anywhere on that scale from total understanding to total shock and ending the relationship. Either way, just make sure that you are prepared in yourself for the potential outcome; be that positive or negative.
I do think its very important that you tell him though,, one way or another, but be strong and try as best you can to deal with the response.

Villaricos

I can understand how you feel worried bout bringing this topic up but in my experience Ive found that people who have a bad reaction to hearing I was depressed are the ones who know very little about it. Put simply they dont understand it and so they shy away from it, afraid of the unknown.

Before you tell him, and I do think you should, make sure you fully understand it yourself and be able to explain to him very simply thats its just an illness and invite him to ask you questions, be able to discuss it with him. Its not going to be an easy conversation but it doesnt have to be a bad one either.

you are normal by the way, never feel that having depression makes you anything other than normal. You are just sick. Dont break up with the guy because it seems easier than not telling him, thats just letting that parasite inside you get a further hold on you. Those insecurities and sadness you have is just the parasite talking.
My psychiatrist describes it as a parasite, I find it a good analogy. whenever I was with him he used to say there was a third person in the room, the depression and we had to fight to throw him out the window.
Remember that the depression is not you and tell your boyfriend that, that you will have your good days and bad days like any other illness. good luck:)

Marksie

Archeron wrote:

I once went out with a girl who told me that she suffered from depression, and it made no difference to me. I had experienced depression before with members of my family though, so perhaps that made me a little more considerate in my response as I felt I had somewhat of an understanding.

However, a friend of mine once found out his girldfriend was depressed, and I'm sorry to say, he did end up finishing the relationship because of that. Personally, I found that abhorrent, but its important to keep in mind before you tell your b/f about this that the response could be anywhere on that scale from total understanding to total shock and ending the relationship. Either way, just make sure that you are prepared in yourself for the potential outcome; be that positive or negative.
I do think its very important that you tell him though,, one way or another, but be strong and try as best you can to deal with the response.

Fair point which prompts me to make an addition.
An adverse reaction may be due to general ignorance. Try and get some literature on depression, i am sure some poster here will find a link or your doctor may have some information.

If your B/friend finds it hard to grasp the concept, then having something for him to read on hand will be useful.
When you are talking to him, find a nice comfortable surrounding where you are both alone. Somewhere you can be emotional if needs be, give him time to think about things and do not press for answers.
Just be open and straighforward.... to me someone expressing their vulnerabilities is a gift, i hope your boyfriend will thiunk the same

Archeron: I agree with you on finding that abhorrent, but people act differently.

limklad

depressedchick wrote:

If I don't tell him, then I don't know how I can be myself around him completely, with all the ups and downs... but if I do tell him, I just take it that it will completely turn him off me... I'm considering breaking up with him, just so he can go out with someone 'normal'

Relationships are about the good and the bad times. Allot of great relationships out there when both are honest and share with each other and been there through the bad as well as the good. If he is good for you and he truly loves you, then he is worth having and will be around you in bad times and not just good time only (sound selfish if he is there for good times only). Look after yourself and get well.

Nightwish

My bf knew something was up with me from the day we met, but when the symptoms of my depression and very low self esteem, began making my life unmanageable, he unforunately bore the brunt of it. I treated him like dirt, I called him names, I was very withdrawn and then the only time I opened up I lashed out. Through it all he stood by me. He never once showed me I hurt him, he knew it was part of what I was going through. He listened when I did talk, he hugged me when I was crying etc. But back to your issue OP, I told him I had been to the doctor as I wasnt feeling well and I basically told him I had been diagnosed with manic depression. He took it well (as I said, he didnt show me his emotions he just focused on me). All I can say is to be open, honest and truthful with your bf. Communication is vital, and he will stand by you if yours is a healthy strong relationship.

LegacyUser

'OP, I understand it's not an easy thing to do, particularly as you are obviously finding life tough at the moment. I was in your predicament a few months ago and couldn't find the time/place/moment to tell my boyfriend.

I was diagnosed (Sep 05) a few months before we got together (Dec 05) so the medication was helping me when we met and I was coping well with everything. As time went on, as often happens with depression, I found myself having ups and downs and I figured he must have noticed the 'downs' i.e. moodiness, irritability, anger, being quiet, indifference, sadness and teariness.

Eventually I decided I would have to bite the bullet and tell him as I felt I had to 'explain' myself.. I'm not good with feelings (prob part of my problem) and told him (Sep 06) when we were back at his place after a night out and I had drink taken (not recommended on the meds..). I told him I had something to tell him that I had meant to tell him for a while but it wasn't easy. I just said (in floods of tears) that I suffer from depression, I could hardly get the words out with crying, finally saying it out loud. (I've only ever told one good friend and have not told any family member).

His reaction - he laughed and said something like 'get f**ked, ya right, whatever'. He totally didn't believe me! I convinced him anyway that I wasn't messing and he straight away apologised, hugged me and kissed me and reassured me that it was fine, made sure I was getting help and insisted that he had no idea at all, that's why he reacted how he did initially. He thought it was just my hormones bothering me.

It was so upsetting telling him because I'm the type of person who, once upset, if I get any sympathy at all it makes me 100 times worse! I cried myself to sleep that night out of relief and happiness and sadness and hope.

I did wonder for the first few days if i had made a mistake by telling him cos I felt like he was treating me different, walking on eggshells around me but I suppose that was his (wonderfully understanding) way of coping with getting his head around the news. I now do NOT regret telling him. I think you need to be honest in a relationship and true to yourself.

I can understand why you are anxious about telling him since you are not going out together for as long as my boyf and I were at the time and I know my reply isn't really what you were looking for but hopefully it might help you anyway. I hope you get the info you're looking for. All replies so far have been helpful and the more opinions you get, the better able you'll be able to figure it out for yourself.

If you were prescribed medication, be aware that they take a few weeks to 'kick in' but personally I really felt such an improvement. They're not magic 'happy pills' or anything but they really help me to feel like me again. I'm glad you've got help, good luck with things and I hope you're feeling better soon...'