bullying and standing up for myself

LegacyUser

I had a search and couldn't find a decent thread on this. Its on my mind because recently I had some counseling and was urged to be more assertive. The only problem is I don't think I can stand up for myself or be assertive...i'm so scared to.

I'm a quiet guy and hate causing a fuss or attracting attention. I've been told that I am very often too hard on myself. Because of this when someone starts bullying me I tend to agree with them. I find making eye contact hard and try to avoid busy places or hurry through them with my head down.

One day I did role play with my counselor and tried speaking up for myself in a hypothetical situation but felt so afraid doing so. After I spoke up I fully expected my counsellor to start hitting me...and this was in a situation I knew was safe.

I'm a good person but I seem to always find myself being treated like absolute dirt. This happens even though I go out of my way to be obliging and helpful. I've suffered some horrible abuse down the years and been terrorised at school....I know people take advantage of me but feel I'll never be able to change. I feel I'm too soft. This makes me feel even more afraid...

I am a graduate but out of work. My counselor said I displayed all the signs of being traumatised. Things got so bad I'm on a fairly light dose of anti-psychotics....am I the only person to ever feel this way?

dame

Start off in small ways by walking down the street with your head up. Next day, smile at someone who holds a door open for you going into a shop or something. It will feel more natural and you will be more comfortable in time. Eye contact is important. Practise in small ways like looking at the person serving you in a shop and smile when you say "thank you". Most people will return and smile and be pleasant.

You do not always have to be obliging and going out of your way to help people. If you feel someone is asking too much or is not asking in nice way - then you CAN say no. You don't have to feel awkward or worried you'll come across badly. Just quietly assert yourself and say "sorry I can't" or "not this time but X might be able to help". People will not take you for granted or expect you to jump every time once they know you have limits and will assert yourself if they make unreasonable demands.

LegacyUser

'yeah .... I been reading many peoples problems here and fell I have been thru about half of them!!! So yes .... I felt extreme confidence problems too.

Have had the same feelings as you with regards to the eye contact, staying away from people, insecurity in general. Also had and still have a lot of other problems that contribute to the self-worth issues you have.

Actually, I began to hate myself at one point, this grew inside and brought me to the edge of ending it all and a handful of breakdowns too. every day I woke up I thought " oh no, another day of the same".. never talked about this to anyone, and when I drank alcohol my defences came down and emotions kicked in... now I don’t drink at all.

Was a right old mess I can tell you ... I did the hardest thing I could, and took a year off and traveled, was lucky enough to have a few grand saved.

this may sound like its a holiday, but putting yourself out into the world you don’t want to live in, in a place where you don’t have any friends or family is pretty tuff... especially with a fear of mingling with people,

I gradually began to deal with the self hate, and felt that every tragedy i've gone thru could only make me stronger inside. capt poison.... not many people have to put up with the trauma you are dealing with !!! think to yourself, that if you can get theu this, you can deal with a whole lot more !! when the pain gets soooo bad, it doesn’t get any worse. and i'm a great believer in the law of averages .... so any bad things you feel should be countered by nature in time.

I’ve never sorted out my problems fully .... I’m alone, no future, no girlfriend, don’t know 1 single trustworthy person and have no respect from anybody in the world. BUT.... now I don’t care, I’m content cause I know I’m a good person inside, and I am happier in myself. it pisses me off too though, I got huge amounts of love to give and nobody to receive it, id luv just to have a closeness to somebody, but I have kinda resigned myself to being alone now forever.

hey Captain ... you could also set yourself a goal of being able to defend yourself physically .... and that’s something you can do on your own. build yourself up a bit and get fit, it’s a great way of building self confidence.

Bullies are usually bigger physically, even if its only verbal abuse they are giving you.

Maybe go to your local GP, and talk about getting anxiety medication too ?? everything you can do to improve your quality of life should be given a go.

Best of luck, you can p.m "bernard hopkins" if you want too, a more private chat.... just registered but can’t post till tomorrow apparently.

Bernard Hopkins.'

Black Swan

Have you considered joining a martial arts programme for improving your self-image, fitness, sport, and outlook on life? If you are curious, check out the Self-Defense and Martial Arts forum on boards under Sports.

leninbenjamin

work on the eye contact, i found you'll notice a pretty significant difference in how people treat you if you look them in the eye. It's much harder for someone to bully you if they found themselves locked eye to eye with you. I used be bullied too to some extent when i was younger... not anymore and the eye contact certainly made a difference.

Moojuice

As BLue_Lagoon said, martial arts is a good step. Its not about beasting people up or kicking them through walls. It is about self confidence in yourself and your body. You learn to control your body and social and so become more assertive and confident as a result. Most martial arts clubs welcome begginers and are a good social scene too.

Caliden

Take up a sport (not neccessarily a team sport), martial art or start jogging. It's all about confidence in yourself.
Perhaps try conversing with family and friends a bit more while maintaining eye contact throughout.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. My counselor did suggest martial arts and I went once. Unfortunately I wear glasses and my eye sight without them is quite poor.

I was knackered after only part of the warm up bit. The instructor said I went as white as the walls, I wore my glasses and they kept slipping off when I got sweaty. There were also no other beginners there...to be honest I couldn't wait to get out of there.....

Marksie

Caliden wrote:

Take up a sport (not neccessarily a team sport), martial art or start jogging. It's all about confidence in yourself.
Perhaps try conversing with family and friends a bit more while maintaining eye contact throughout.

I was bullied at school, usual problems and then took up rugby, it stopped after one incident. Then i took up martial arts.
But it did require some internal organising of myself to do this, the sports etc, were an aide, but the change came from within

But i think in the OP situation it is deeper than that. It has been constant for years and had lead to a complete degradation of self-esteem and respect. Before any major advancements can be made, things have to be stripped back to the root cause, and that will be within yourself OP.
You have spent all your life living in fear, fear of what others will say and do, fear of getting hurt and fear of yourself.... resulting in a fear of living.

It is a cliche but a truism that you have to turn and face the fear. Perhaps looking inwards in this instance is a first step, isolating the feelings and studying them. Determining the source and making plans to change aspects of yourself which are dominating your life.

One of the hardest things I ever had to do was look at myself, looking in a mirror and honestly evaluating who i was, noting the thoughts and issues, then working on them. After that looking at others became very easy indeed.

You also say that you are always helpful and obliging..that in itself is an imbalance, the inability to say no, stemming from your past experiences. The effects are cumulative, but it up to you to stop this now. A lot of posters have given good advice on the practical aspects.
But first and foremost, your mental processes..how you view yourself, and how you deem others view you are the first block.
Maybe the ubiquitous self help book?, you have tried a counsellor..what about a life coach? there are even simple meditations for building confidence... repeat mantras which are designed to improve your view of the self.
and as one said start small.. gradually alter small aspects,. you don't have to row with people, but neither wholesale agree with them. But if being bullied. a simple stop, hand out, turn and walk away.
Edit: I have just recalled that we were sent on a one day assertivness training at work. There may be classes available for you, or if you are extremely lucky you could get one through work.

All we can do on boards is give you support and advice, the bottom line you have to face yourself and challenge the fear

Drift

I used to have pretty low self esteem (and was bullied a bit) when I was younger. I gradually became more confident in myself over the years, I have no idea what brought it on but the most surprising thing I found was how easy it is to become confident in oneself. The best way I found OP was to think frequently about the things you're good at, the things that other people come to you for help about. I found that even contemplating them made me feel more comfortable in my own skin.


I'm not great at sports but all the same I have to say that I've found playing sports helps a lot. Either team sports or individual ones. Team sports make you feel your part of a wider group, its a weird kindof invincible feeling running onto a pitch knowing 14 other guys have your back. Individual sports work on a different level, they give you a sense of accomplishment and achievement. For example grading (changing belt colours) in a martial art. You don't even have to be very good at the sport. I've never been one of the better players but when it comes to self esteem it doesn't seem to matter.

As for the eyesight you can get special glasses that you can wear while you play, they look a bit like goggles because they have an elastic around the back of them to prevent them from falling off. I know two guys who have them, although I think most prefer to use contact lenses.

I think you should continue with your attempts to find a sport OP ... there are plenty of beginners classes out there in martial arts too. Don't worry about the fitness thing, I took a year or two off sport a while back and when I came back I was very unfit, it takes time but fitness is something that you need no skill whatsoever to master and something that has a big effect on your standard of life both pyshically and psychologically.

I hope this helps, I know the post concentrates on sport but I just wanted to let you know that if your consellor things sports might be good for you then you shouldn't let something minor like your fitness or eyesight prevent you from participating.

LegacyUser

'what helped my brother was when he started to lift weights, i bet you won't feel as exposed as in a martial arts class.
it'll improve your confidence in your body and make you feel stronger, and it'll help to release your anxiety as well.'

Takeshi_Kovacs

Yeah i agree with the good advice given here. Get out and meet new people. It may seem daunting. Hell i felt like it for years but once you meet genuine decent people then you realise how life can be good sometimes. Sure you will still meet the arseholes. Just smile and ignore them. Do their pathetic insults really matter.

Definitely join a team, build the confidence, and maybe get some contacts. Don't give up on the martial arts just yet. If you find a good class then you will meet great people who will help you along. Don't give up after the first go, just because it is hard. View it as one of life's challenges, and when you get fitter and stronger, confidence will blossom. Mental fitness and physical fitness go hand in hand.

Also don't fall back to feeling sorry for yourself. Sure your in a tough spot at the moment, but think of all the people who have less than nothing, who are constantly oppressed everyday of their lives, and will probably never have a chance to have a better life. You have a chance to better yourself, you just gotta open your eyes and take it.

Saruman

There is a speaking group you could join. I think its called "toastmasters". You would gain a little confidence.
I myself have always been quiet. However im not meek and i always look people in the eye unless i get bored and do not want to talk to them any more. which is quite often

cunnins4

The sport suggestions are a good idea. great for building mental toughness and confidence in yourself. You'll be fitter, healthier, and more confident. Even try jogging. Build ya right up and you'll feel great!

kindle

I was knackered after only part of the warm up bit. The instructor said I went as white as the walls, I wore my glasses and they kept slipping off when I got sweaty. There were also no other beginners there...to be honest I couldn't wait to get out of there.....

You could always try a different class, one aimed at beginners maybe, contacts are a great option if you can wear them. One of the great benifits of martial arts is that they do really build up your confidence, sure theres nothing like puting your hand/foot through a block of wood to make you feel powerful. its scary for anyone trying to something new, and you did go by yourself to a class with no other beginners so maybe you could start with acknowledging yourself for that! There are some less aggressive martial arts out there too like tai-chi, which may suit you better! Any journey begins with small steps remember to acknowledge your self for them!!

af_thefragile

Try listening to Anthony Robbins... he's amazing, he'll make you feel good!! Get some of his books or tapes and go thru em... They'll help you a lot to take your life in control and organise urself...

slipss

All good advice there so i don't have much to add apart from this. Start pretending to be confident. Its all well and good when people tell you to be more assertive or to do things to build up your confidence but just doing that can be very hard for some people.

I was always shy when I was younger and as with a lot of shy people I got my share of bullying in school. I tried things like martial arts, I won several competitions, some major ones, but although that helped a lot when I was physically confronted, it didn't do all that much when I was in verbal confrontations or social situations.

So then when I was around 14 or so I started to look around me at the people I knew that were confident in these situations and started to try and pick up on the things that they did that made me view them as confident. Things like the way they stood, head and shoulders back ect. The way they talked, they always spoke clearly, didn't mumble or trip over thier words. So I started doing these things, standing confidently, speaking up loudly in public ect, even though I was just as shy as ever and I felt very uncomfortable and anxious pretty much all the time and sometimes just wanted to be quiet and hope people didn't bother me. But after a while of forcing myself to act confident, just to pretend to be confident I noticed that when you pretend to be confident people just assume you are confident and they treat you better, with more respect. I used to think about it like I was an actor in a film and I had a role to play, and although I was nervous that some people would see straight through the act I didn't really care because most people didn't. Then after a while I noticed that I wasn't trying to act that way anymore, it was just coming naturally.

All I can say is just give it a try, pretend you are playing the part of a confident person in a film. Look at characters like Tom Cruises in Top Gun, or Pierce Brosnons in The Thomas Crown Affair, or look at people around you that are confident and take note of how they act and stand ect and try it out. In small situations at first like dealing with shop staff or waitresses ect, then in work situations and places like pubs and clubs. I know you will feel uncomfortable acting like that at first but the more you force yourself to do it, the easier it becomes.

craichoe

One thing to try i think, start talking to anyone, whats the worst that can happen.. their not going to bite!

Definetly agree with the eye contact.. its more about a state of mind really, you sound like a nice person and your probably say 'yes' too often.

Start thinking about yourself and not what other people think about you, be judged for your actions, not how you think people perceive you.

I dont know about the martial arts thing, any sport would be good, even salsa dancing or something as long as it gets you interacting with people.

I work in an environment where i have to be confident and pretend like everything is fine even when its not .... if i didnt i'd be eaten by the sharks