Age Difference - Dodgy?

LegacyUser

Well here it goes.

A regular poster on here but going unreg on this for obvious reasons.

I male and 20 years old, in 2nd college.

Met this girl a few weeks back when i was doing bit of work. Seemed like a lovely girl! Got talking to her. Nothing special just casual stuff.
She asked me to guess her age anyways. I told her about 19/20. She honestly did look like that to me, but then she said she was 18. I didn't think too much of this.
Going away that night her friend asked for my number so i gave it cause i did think she a lovely girl.
Spent few nights texting got on great. She really did seem she liked me, ok she kinda said it straight out.
Then i confirm that she is 18 with her and she replies 17!.
Ok thought that was ok but the limit in my mind (that time). Next i get this text a few nights later saying she actually 16 and that she understand if I never talk to her again.
I was shocked and so upset cause i had such hopes for this cause i really liked her and well at that time (still now) i wanted to meet someone as i havn't had a gf since i was 16 myself and kinda wanted something. My life getting boring but thats another story.

I text her let her know how i feel, i was so dissapointed, angry kind of and well she tried her best to win me back. She saying age just a number etc etc.

I told her that i wouldn't just go away and never text again cause me being me i can't do things like that to her.

Now i don't know what to do - I spoke to 2 close female friends of mine and they said tho it a bit dodgy, its not exactly wrong. They told me to go for it and see what happens.

I can't get the age of consent out of my head though, it 17 at moment and they pushing to make it 15. 15 a bit low but i would say 17 a bit high too so 16 be ok. But thats another thing to debate about.

What are your views. I'm so confused.
And repliers, dont' make me out to be some sort of pedo or anything cause I not. I don't know.

Nevyn

Aside from the fact that she is under the age of consent ( this does not mean that you could not date her but that you would have to be mindful ) she has lied to you about her age.
What else would she be willing to lie to you about ?
Relationships even casual ones are based on trust and communication,
would you trust her in the future ? could you trust her to tell you the things you need to know ?

Gurgle

Call her back in a year or so.

zeusnero

Can you even be sure she's telling the truth about being 16???

I agree with Thaedydal in that trust is one of the major foundation stones of any relationship - and frankly she sounds untrustworthy and a little immature.

I'd think long and hard before making a decision here but the 4 year difference here could prove to be insurmountable - think about it, you're in second year in college & she's probably in 4th/5th year in secondary school...

dame

I agree, she's already lied twice about her age. She's not the most trust-worthy person. Some girls that age just like the thrill of having someone older as a boyfriend, makes them feel cooler than their friends. They like people to think they're older and to see what they can get away with, ie getting into nightclub etc. I'd say she could be one of those seeing as she asked you to guess her age on your first meeting. A bit immature.

Slutmonkey57b

Oh, no. There's nothing dodgy about a 20 year old dating an underage girl. No.
In the paedophile capital of the world.

Chimpanzee-that

Do it....

Theres no harm in a bit o underage

Miss Fluff

Woud run for the hills to be honest. She has already lied a couple of times so chances are she may be even younger than 16.

Nevyn

Chimpanzee-that banned for advocating an illegal act.

kaalgat

She lied to you to start off with.
Not cool

Caliden

what are you going to do if she gets id'd going into a pub and gets refused?
not exactly a fun night out by my standards

tman

Gurgle wrote:

Call her back in a year or so.

Definitely agree with this. she's just too young to even think about going out with right now, try to end things as amicably as possible now, and then look her up when she's... well... legal.

LegacyUser

16 is not too bad if shes 17 soon ?

Like im 20 going out with a 17 year old myself so know what its like , people actually mistake her for being older than me sometimes. Pubs/clubs arent a problem, if 1 refuses you theres about 6 million more, in Dublin city anyway.

Wez

I think the way people are saying she 'lied' to you and she'll do it again and again is a bit much.. She wanted to see if she could get away with being older (she's a 16 yo that's had a few drinks), you fell for it, she's on a high, scores some 21 yo, eventually feelings + emotions come into it, she comes clean (albeit gradually). That doesn't mean she'd be a liar and a cheat etc if things progressed, she'd prolly be very faithful.. But I think a 16 and a 21yo is too much of a gap, if you feel awkward about it to start with, I don't think it's going to get much easier.

Think about it, would you have any remote hessitations about bringing her home to the 'rents and introducing her as your 16 year old girlfriend? Then around to all your friends? 5 years is a fair amount of time around this kind of age, if she was 21 and you were 26 then it'd be alright, you're both fully matured and independant people. But at the end of the day, her parents are still her legal guardian, she's still in school etc.

I reckon just end it and be sturn, don't keep it going and 'stay friends', just end it and move on. You'll meet someone else soon enough and hopefully it'll be the right one, not just someone to go out with for a while to make sure that record doesn't run too long..

Just my 2c

Tar.Aldarion

She's jsut a child yet, let it go, at least until legality.

LegacyUser

From a twenty year old girl, I'm going to have to tell you... RUN. This girl is nuts. She's the type who would try and get pregnant just so you'd stick around. Or threaten to cry rape if you try to dump her. It's happened before. She's not trustworthy, and if you persue this at all, it's just going to complicate your life. Move on. Plenty of lovely (and legal) girls out there to date.

LegacyUser

I can advise on this. I began to see a girl 5 years my junior when I was about your age. Now thats really dodgy and I was well aware of it. But we had become friends and I really really felt for her so I eventually went with it.

We told the relevant people, e.g. parents. My fathers advice might be worth repeating ... "Be careful, cos these young ones can get their back up very easily ". In other words, you are taking a serious risk. If it turns nasty (and adolescents are fickle lest we forget) nobody will believe anything you say over a sweet innocent 16 year old girl.

However it worked out for quite a while. 5 years +. It was a proper relationship, not some perverted thing.

But there is one very very important thing you must realise. She is young and not properly developed. She may seem totally mature and sensible and all, but she is not ... no argument. What this means (amongst other things) is that a relationship has a very slim chance of lasting. She will not be the same person in a year or two, and you wont recognise her when she goes to college.

Also, why do you think shes so in to you? Do you get that a lot from girls your own age? ... No offense. I mean Im sure you have plenty going for you, but age should not be one of them. In her eyes the age gap definitely matters, but that gap becomes less significant and attractive to her as she becomes older.

And think too of what you might be doing to her. You will affect her growth. You will change the natural course of her development, and that is bad and should weigh heavily on you if you really care about her. Are you really going to be prepared to hang around with her little friends and their little boyfriends? She needs to do that. Are you going to (albeit passively) stop her?

My bottom line advice is that its not a good idea. Mine ended in the most horrible (and frankly cruel) way and I dont think it would have gone how it did had she been older.

Its always hard to stay away from someone you really want, especially if theyre throwing themselves at you, but I really think you should do everything in your power to stay clear of this young girl.

Sorry.

LegacyUser

dontbother wrote:

From a twenty year old girl, I'm going to have to tell you... RUN. This girl is nuts. She's the type who would try and get pregnant just so you'd stick around. Or threaten to cry rape if you try to dump her. It's happened before. She's not trustworthy, and if you persue this at all, it's just going to complicate your life. Move on. Plenty of lovely (and legal) girls out there to date.

What a pile of... You know nothing about the girl besides she lied about her age. God almighty, its complete nonsense to suggest she is going to accuse him of rape, or try get herself pregnant deliberately.

OP the only reason she lied about her age at 1st was because she thought u would run a mile before getting to know her. Seriously.

And just to clear something up, the op said he was 20, not 21.

For all we know the girl could have her 17th birthday tomorrow.

LegacyUser

ESF ESF wrote:

What a pile of... You know nothing about the girl besides she lied about her age. God almighty, its complete nonsense to suggest she is going to accuse him of rape, or try get herself pregnant deliberately.

OP the only reason she lied about her age at 1st was because she thought u would run a mile before getting to know her. Seriously.

And just to clear something up, the op said he was 20, not 21.

For all we know the girl could have her 17th birthday tomorrow.

The age isn't what worries me. It's that she's lied about it, more than once. Someone who would do that is insecure, and most certainly not ready for a relationship with someone who's beginning their adult life. Of course this girl probably isn't crazy enough to do those things, but besides the fact that she and the OP seem to get along, nothing suggests that this is going to turn out the least bit healthy.

Sony

Funny reading that post. I had the very same thing happen to me a few years back. Met up with the girl a few times and thought nothing of it until she came clean she lied about her age, When I found out it was also by text and I was pretty much shocked like yourself cause she seemed a lot older and mature.

Anyway a couple of people I knew recommended I tell her we couldnt see each other anymore and so I did. I still liked the girl but realised soon after I had made the right decision.

Sorry Im not trying to turn you off,just letting you know my exp of it but 17 for me is too young & 16 is never going to work out(well not for me anyway)

dame

Wez wrote:

Think about it, would you have any remote hessitations about bringing her home to the 'rents and introducing her as your 16 year old girlfriend? Then around to all your friends? 5 years is a fair amount of time around this kind of age, if she was 21 and you were 26 then it'd be alright, you're both fully matured and independant people. But at the end of the day, her parents are still her legal guardian, she's still in school etc.

This is very good advice.

If you wouldn't feel comfortable bringing her home or out with your friends then it's not going to be much of a relationship is it? Sneaking around, going for walks ahile her friends titter nearby....think about it.....a trip to the cinema once a week, cos that's about all the nightlife a 16 year old can legally do. Also, what sort of a reception would you be expecting from her parents? Would you be happy to call round to hers for Sunday dinner and sit opposite her parents?

[Jackass]

In theroy, if there's grass on the pitch, there's no harm in banging a couple of balls around on it, and even if there's none, you could still play in the mud, but to be honest mate, at such a young age (you being 20 and her being 16) 4 years is a big age difference, plus you'd want to be very careful regarding sex, because if she is a psycho, baring in mind you'd have no way of knowing yet as you barely know her and might not see that side for a while, you could be blackmailed or even reported to the gaurds for statetory rape....

Even if you do nothing but its a well known fact you two are together she could put you in a vunrable position...all very extreme I know, but personally I'd just stay friends with her and nothing more if I really liked her and wait until she's a little older before trying a relationship, cause even if you would be great together now, if you spend time as just friends and build a friendship that way, the relationship side should be easier when it develops...I think anyway...but moral of my post anyway....be careful and realise that if you go ahead with it, not that there's anything wrong with it, but as long as you're not having sex due to the law, you will be putting yourself in a vunrable position...that's all I'm saying.

iguana

I dated a 20 year old when I was 16. Both sets of parents knew and all our friends. We lasted just under a year. The age difference, was obviously an issue at times, as our socialising options were limited, especially as I looked younger than 16 going to pubs and clubs was rare. And he was a tradesman, so there was a bigger life gap as he wasn't a penniless student dating a penniless schoolgoer. He was a working man with a decent salary dating a penniless schoolgoer. But it had little directly to do with why we split up.

The problem we had was that he was a controlling SOB with violent tendancies. In that regard our age difference was a problem as I was too impressionable to stand up for myself properly. I thought our relationship would last forever and was willing to put up with a huge amount of crap that an older me wouldn't have.

The advice I would have is that if you really, really want to see her again then do. I wouldn't worry too much about her initial lie, it sounds to me that she liked you but was worried, rightly, that the age difference would put you off. I would suggest taking it REALLY slowly. At that age she probably has very little perspective on relationships, so it could be easy for her to fall head over heels for you. And make you her priority to the expense of her own life.

Taking it slowly, not sleeping together for a while (she is possibly a virgin btw, so could want to take it slowly anyway). Only seeing each other a couple of times a week at most will ensure that she doesn't get too carried away with you. And still spends plenty of time with her own friends.

If it all sounds like too much hard work then walk away.

chillywilly

OP i was in the EXACT same situation, i met a girl, she told me was 18(im 20) and she turned out to be 16....i was really mad at her for lying, but after much thought i knew my feelings for her were much stronger than any other girl ive gone out with so i took a chance, took it slow and we have been going out for year and half now! im not condoning any illegal activity, but i would advise to follow your feelings, thats what i did and it turned out the best relationship ive ever been in! My girlfriend is very mature for her age, i have had some of the best conversations with her compared to some of my 24 year old mates tbh!!

and whatever poster sadi he was a paedophile, cope on......there is a BIG difference

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I am quite surprized of how little unhelpful comments I got. Thanks.

I will see what happens anyways but this definetely helped to get a view from other people.

Relationships even casual ones are based on trust and communication,
would you trust her in the future ? could you trust her to tell you the things you need to know ?

I can understand why she would lie about that. If she said she was 16 in first place i would have gone a mile.
I don't know if i can trust her yet but then again how will I ever know unless i take a chance.

Call her back in a year or so.

Was thinking this, I'll remain friends anyways. See what happens down the road.

I think the way people are saying she 'lied' to you and she'll do it again and again is a bit much.. She wanted to see if she could get away with being older (she's a 16 yo that's had a few drinks), you fell for it, she's on a high, scores some 21 yo, eventually feelings + emotions come into it, she comes clean (albeit gradually). That doesn't mean she'd be a liar and a cheat etc if things progressed, she'd prolly be very faithful.. But I think a 16 and a 21yo is too much of a gap, if you feel awkward about it to start with, I don't think it's going to get much easier.

Agree with this.

From a twenty year old girl, I'm going to have to tell you... RUN. This girl is nuts. She's the type who would try and get pregnant just so you'd stick around. Or threaten to cry rape if you try to dump her. It's happened before. She's not trustworthy, and if you persue this at all, it's just going to complicate your life. Move on. Plenty of lovely (and legal) girls out there to date.

Maybe you would do that but i certainly don't think she going to do it. (could be wrong of course but il be careful if i go ahead)

Also, why do you think shes so in to you? Do you get that a lot from girls your own age? ... No offense. I mean Im sure you have plenty going for you, but age should not be one of them. In her eyes the age gap definitely matters, but that gap becomes less significant and attractive to her as she becomes older.

Agree with that too. Was thinking it myself but that was the initial thing I suppose.

(she is possibly a virgin btw, so could want to take it slowly anyway).

Yes she could be alright but then again so am I

OP i was in the EXACT same situation, i met a girl, she told me was 18(im 20) and she turned out to be 16....i was really mad at her for lying, but after much thought i knew my feelings for her were much stronger than any other girl ive gone out with so i took a chance, took it slow and we have been going out for year and half now! im not condoning any illegal activity, but i would advise to follow your feelings, thats what i did and it turned out the best relationship ive ever been in! My girlfriend is very mature for her age, i have had some of the best conversations with her compared to some of my 24 year old mates tbh!!

and whatever poster sadi he was a paedophile, cope on......there is a BIG difference

I glad to see this post, someone else in the exact same situation. That post helped. Thanks chillywilly.

I'll let ye know of the outcome anyways some time later.

Thanks

LegacyUser

'You fail to mention how youre going to socialise with her in your summing up ...

Are you prepared to hang around with her school friends and their incredibly immature boyfriends? I wasnt. Apart from the fact that I had nothing in common with them, the 5 year age gap was like a generation. They were completely different to any group of people I knew or had known. I did not fit in and it was horrible having to spend time with them.

Youll be comfortable and happy waiting outside the school gates for her with all the other parents, or going to her school plays and debs? Most uncomfortable.

Just make sure youre aware of the real stuff that goes hand in hand with the happy fuzzy lovey stuff before you go any further. It would be infinitely easier on you and her if you decided not to do this now, rather than in 6 months time.'

geuro

whataver your age is, divide it by 2 and add 7. if a girls younger than that, youre too old for her. and if she's only 16, she's definately too young

Chucky the tree

chillywilly wrote:

and whatever poster sadi he was a paedophile, cope on......there is a BIG difference

In the eyes of the law he isnt. If decides to throw is lad into when she is still 16 he could get done for rape, and will then be on the sex offenders register. Is it worth the risk just for a bit of young crumpet?


I doubt it. Staying friend is also a terrible idea. The more you get to know her the more you could get to like her and soon the urge to drop the hand will be too much. You're better of completely cutting her off. Although, from your posts i get the idea your mind is made up and your gonna go for it.