Girls who are taken and they're really close guy friends

LegacyUser

I was wondering what people think about girls who are going out with someone +having really close guy friends at the same time...

I'm a girl+ the other night I was out with some friends... 2 of which I'm really close too (they're guys+ I adore them, but I'm not attracted to them beyond friendship at all). My boyfriend wasn't able to come out (we've been going out a few months+ I really realy like him).

The thing is... one of them, kissed me on the check a couple of times while hugging me... we've been friends for years+ it's always just been like that... he never fancied me+ I never fancied him (we have had that conversation).. just really close+ open with each other...

I was sitting on a couch+ the other close friend, put my head on his shoulder and even briefly held my hand until I took it away. To be honest, I was perfectly comfortable with it, as I know he doesn't like me+ I certainly don't 'like' him as more than a friend.

But thinking back... god, I feel sort like... is it sort of wrong or something.. if I honestly am not attracted to my 2 close guy friends... but they're both single+ behave like this...

I think from now on, I won't be as 'close' to them, just to respect my boyfriend I suppose. If he had girls acting like that around him, I think I'd be a bit jealous.

I'm sort of a bit afraid also that if anyone he knew say me with one of my 2 close guy friends... they'd think I was cheating on my bf... something I would NEVER do... hmmmm... now I don't know whether or not just to leave everything... I mean how could I bring it up in conversation with my bf, with out it looking really bad!?

Nevyn

For some people close physical contact with friends and family member as in hugs and the type of contact you have describe is normal and not considered sexual in any way.

You have to decide what you are comfortible with on your own and in reguards to considering your bf.

Red Hand

Don't know. Both you, your boyfriend and your two friends seem comfortable with how things are. You say that you would be a bit jealous if your boyfriend was kissing and holding hands with his female friends, but if he isn't bothered by you doing the same with your friends, I don't see the issue.

Personally, I guess I would be a bit uncomfortable with so much physical intimacy with someone who was a friend rather than a g/f but that's just me.

randylonghorn

Thaedydal wrote:

For some people close physical contact with friends and family member as in hugs and the type of contact you have describe is normal and not considered sexual in any way.

Exactly. Unless it does make your bf (or you) uncomfortable, you don't have a problem.

As for what other people think ... pfft!

The Roach

I was in a kinda similar situation a number of years ago, but I was one of the "close guy friends".

I've been friends with the girl in question for years, and love her to bits, but it's always been just as a friend, and I know that's exactly how she feels too. But one of her ex's seemed to have a bit of a problem with me and did get a bit jealous when he started going out with her and was convinced something was going on. But he got his act together after we were all out a few times and he was able to see how we interacted with each other, and it was clear that there was nothing going on. But I can see why he would have felt a bit jealous, so what I'd say to you is to make sure your bf gets to know your male friends. This will allow him to see how you all get along and that he shouldn't be threatened by it. But if you yourself are starting to feel a bit uncomfortable by close physical contact with your friends, just say it to them. I know I'd rather be told that then make my friends feel awkward when we're out.

All in all, there's nothing wrong with physical closeness with friends; as long as you're happy with the way things are then don't worry about it!

Lorax

If fellas were doing that to my gf id kick their face in tbh, its not a "friends" thing to do, if it was they would do it to their male friends aswell as you..and I bet ya they dont

Mr.Nice Guy

WHATdoYOUthink wrote:

The thing is... one of them, kissed me on the check a couple of times while hugging me... we've been friends for years+ it's always just been like that... he never fancied me+ I never fancied him (we have had that conversation).. just really close+ open with each other...

Sounds dodgy. Why do it a couple of times?

WHATdoYOUthink wrote:

I was sitting on a couch+ the other close friend, put my head on his shoulder and even briefly held my hand until I took it away. To be honest, I was perfectly comfortable with it, as I know he doesn't like me+ I certainly don't 'like' him as more than a friend.

Oh dear. This is the naive way women look at female/male relationships. I hate to break it to you but unless this guy is gay, this kind of behaviour is indicative of the fact that he wants to get into your pants.

WHATdoYOUthink wrote:

But thinking back... god, I feel sort like... is it sort of wrong or something.. if I honestly am not attracted to my 2 close guy friends... but they're both single+ behave like this...

It is wrong but you're not to blame, they are. As the person above me said, if my friends behaved this way I'd be really angry. Putting a girl's head on your shoulder and trying to hold her hand is not what you do when you know she's got a boyfriend.

WHATdoYOUthink wrote:

I'm sort of a bit afraid also that if anyone he knew say me with one of my 2 close guy friends... they'd think I was cheating on my bf... something I would NEVER do... hmmmm... now I don't know whether or not just to leave everything... I mean how could I bring it up in conversation with my bf, with out it looking really bad!?

If people see you in these situations they will talk. Just explain what's going on to your bf and he'll probably request that you let them know it's not on. You don't need to say anything but if they try and touch you in some way just pull away.

Most women touch a guy and think nothing of it. Most men are thinking very differently when they touch a woman.

Lorax

Lorax wrote:

If fellas were doing that to my gf id kick their face in tbh, its not a "friends" thing to do, if it was they would do it to their male friends aswell as you..and I bet ya they dont

Well obviously you haven't had a true male friend who is actually open enough to hvae close contact with a girl with out having sexual feelings for eachother.
For example.Last week.I was watching a movie with a really close friend of mine.We were underneath a blanket and for use of a better word.We were cuddling.Plus you can't cuddle with a male friend as there are social taboos connected with that.

Rabies

Lorax wrote:

If fellas were doing that to my gf id kick their face in tbh, its not a "friends" thing to do, if it was they would do it to their male friends aswell as you..and I bet ya they dont

Insecure?

WHATdoYOUthink, it seems as if your friend is looking for more than friendship.

The Roach

Deleted User wrote:

Well obviously you haven't had a true male friend who is actually open enough to hvae close contact with a girl with out having sexual feelings for eachother

Couldn't agree more. I have female friends that I'm really close to, and we'd often end up hugging, or holding hands, or even sharing a bed on occasion. And I can honestly say I've never wanted to "get in her pants" as someone described it.

That being said, it is more likely that a guy who's overly touchy-feely with a girl fancies her, so if you're in any doubt as to your friends' motives, you're better off asking them to stop.

But regardless of what their intentions are, if it's making you uncomfortable or is causing you to worry about your boyfriend's reaction, which is what seems to be happening, just ask them to cut back on the touching. Genuine friends won't think twice about that, and if it turns out that they do have feeling for you, well hopefully they'll get the message to back off a bit.

Nevyn

Lorax banned for advocating the use of volience.

dame

OP would your two male friends be that touchy-feely when your boyfriend is around??? I think not, therefore why do it when he's not there? I do have close male friends and one of them is gay. We would never be holding each others hands and kissing each others' cheeks a few times. A kiss on the cheek is OK to say hello/goodbye but a few times in one night when you're just talking.....that's just too much. However, you know all this. The fact that it made you feel guilty should be reason enough to stop this unnecessary touchy-feely stuff.

You're right, people will talk and no matter how much you tell people "we're just friends", if they see you constantly cuddling up to guys, head on shoulders, holding hands, kissing etc....they will believe their own eyes rather than what you tell them. I bet even your other close friends (apart from those two) think it's a bit much. Do you really want to have stories about you (and what you get up to) going around among your acquaintenances?

Gone West

Both guys fancy you.

LegacyUser

I think some ppl are just very open and close to friends, ie hugging and stuff like that, others are not.. I myself am not as open with girls I dont know that well, i have a few female friends whom I'm close to and very good friends with, but just friends and I've never had any feelings for them and we'd hug and stuff like that, but I cant do that to every girl like I see some of my friends doing, even to gilrs they dont know that well. I just dont feel comfortable doing it, probly because I dont want to give them the wrong idea that im coming onto them or overstep the line so to speak.

So my suggestion is to just kinda drop the hint to them that ur just friends, say sumting like I'm glad we're good friends and they mite get the idea...

kaalgat

Might be worth talking to your boyfriend and see how he feels about it aswell. If he doesn't mind it, then you probably will feel better about it.

craichoe

I'm like this with my friends, we don't really think of physical contact as sexual at all ! ....

Nothing better than a big hug

And the kiss on the cheek thing is a kiss on the cheek nothing more ! everyone in europe does it ! )

Caliden

I'm good friends with my friend's girlfriend but I would never dare do the things that you have said. Seems a bit too touchy feely to be 'just friends' to me.

Sony

I dont agree with this in the slightest to be honest and Im sure if youre boyfriend walked in and saw you sitting down with your head on your "friends" shoulder holding his hands there wouldnt be anything "comfortable" about it!

Good to hear there does'nt seem to be any bad intentions here but out of respect for your new boyfriend whom you really like , I think you should put a stop to this behaviour.

PS. I wonder if this guy would try holding your hand if your boyfriend was there?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I'm seeing my bf later.
You see, I think about stuff way too much+ I shouldn't even be worrying about this at all. I'm slightly concerned that
1. People saw me + either of my guy friends etc.... + might gossip.. even though nothing at all is going on or ever will be.
2. If I do talk to my bf about this, he'll probably get the complete wrong idea about my guy friends+ it might be best not to say anything, as it might not help my bf getting along well with my guy friends.

Maybe this is a situation, where in future, I will keep more distance between me+ my guy friends. + Not say anything to my bf at all about the situation, in case it messes things up between us, if I don't phrase things right.

dame

craichoe wrote:

And the kiss on the cheek thing is a kiss on the cheek nothing more ! everyone in europe does it ! )

Yeah, to say hello or goodbye......not three or more times throughout a night when people are sitting talking!

OP, you're probably right not to go bringing it up with the boyfriend and letting it become an issue. Just keep your distance on the physical stuff with the male friends and tell them to stop it if you have to. Good luck!

chuci

i would talk to both my boyfriend and to my friend be straight with both of them.like tell your friends that you are not comfortable with them holding your hand etc i know that i wouldnt be anyway.if they are your friends without any alterior motves then they will just apologise and say ya cool sorry about that. though in my experince when friends do touch you like expained above it gen means that they may be after something else.best of luck

Crea

If you don't do it with your girlfriends then don't do it with your guy friends. Also don't do it if you aren't happy with your BF doing the same thing with his girl pals.
I would have hugged my girlfriends and kissed them on the cheek (brief) and maybe linked them walking around town so this is what I did with guy friends.
One BF got jealous and asked if he was walking around town linking a girl and she hugged and kissed him would it bother me? I took his point.

LegacyUser

'I think that its pretty normal if 1) your friends act like this with other female / male friends. 2) your boyfriend trusts them

How do your friends act with other female / male friends. What is your boyfriend's relationship with your friends?'

LegacyUser

'I think it's all sorted. Thanks for the replies.
Of the 2 close guys friends... the behaviour of one, I completely excuse, as it's always been like that anyway+ he's like that with everyone... but the reason I was a bit bothered, was the second guy. He only started to be very touchy feely the other night (but he said he wasn't hitting on me, which I believe.. I think he just misses being close to someone).
That's why I felt bad.. aslo.. when we were giving each other a hug.. he kissed me on the neck.. looking back.. that's not on. So I emailed him saying that, as I'm going out with someone, it's not really fair, out of respect for my boyfriend, irrelevant to whether or not I'm comfortable with it (as I'm really not attracted to this guy beyond friendship). Didn't get a reply, felt totally guilty for saying some stuff to him (sort of glad I did though, to be honest). So I appologised, as it was a bit uncalled for.

+ I also had an interesting conversation with my boyfriend, with out naming any names, about how close a guy+ girl can be etc, with out being more than friends.

But anyway, I think it's all cool now.'

Talliesin

Having friends that your are physically close to is great in itself, but has the extra advantage of giving you an early heads-up if your dating someone who definitely isn't a keeper since some people will react jealously and they you can dump them immediately rather than finding what they're like out months or years down the line.

o1s1n

Talliesin wrote:

Having friends that your are physically close to is great in itself, but has the extra advantage of giving you an early heads-up if your dating someone who definitely isn't a keeper since some people will react jealously and they you can dump them immediately rather than finding what they're like out months or years down the line.

As you know yourself, there are different levels in relationships of what people find acceptable. Some people are monogamous, some are swingers some well.. I could continue on for a while. It may be "great in itself" for you and your current situation, but not everyone is the same.

That level of physical contact with someone of the opposite sex just might not be acceptable behavior to someone. They may just not be comfortable with it.

And I don't necessarily think it's always jealously issue. Some people find the physical bond they have with their partner to be something special and unique to the both. Holding hands is something they do between themselves. It adds something special to it.

Dumping someone just because they find this kind of a relationship between their partner and a member of the opposite sex a bit much is extreme.

People just need to sit down and work out what is within the bounds of acceptable behavior within their relationship. If their choices don't meet, then they can mutually break up. "Dumping" someone because they aren't comfortable with this is extremely insensitive and selfish.

....Unless of course they actually ARE a jealous freak

Talliesin

Yes, but why put up with someone who has very different levels to yourself. Best to find out quickly and put an end to it while they're still "just someone I'm dating" rather than anything more serious.

o1s1n wrote:

Dumping someone just because they find this kind of a relationship between their partner and a member of the opposite sex a bit much is extreme.

Not doing so seems very extreme to me. I'd do a lot for my partner, but I'm not going to try to cripple my emotional language for them.

JayC5

Thaedydal wrote:

Lorax banned for advocating the use of volience.

Oh come on, he hardly initiated a riot or broke the Geneva Convention - it was merely a statement expressed metaphorically. Hyperbole for want of a better word, used for dramatic purpose to portray the anger one would feel in a similar scenario.

In a Bush, Hussein, Hitler, Mugabe, Milosevic or Pinochet tainted world it hardly warrants a 'Daddys not happy with you' complex - whatever happened to freedom of speech? It was not aimed at anyone in particular nor was it particulary offensive. If someone had a masochistic fascination with kicking the proverbial excrement out of themselves and discussed this desire in these forums would you ban them also?

Nevyn

JayC5 the rules for post in this forum are in the charter, please read them.
If you have a comment or an issue with the moderating of this forum then pm the mod or start a thread in feed back this is not the place for it and it will be deemed off topic and unhelpful.

Off topic and unhelpful posts will get you banned from this forum.

o1s1n

You seemed to say anyone who has a problem with such a relationship automatically falls into the category of being a jealous person. And steer clear from them. This is untrue. There are other reasons why someone could have a problem with it. Which is what I was trying to explain.

But I agree, there's no point attempting to form a relationship with someone if you have different views on a subject like this. It's pretty much doomed to fail.

Talliesin

o1s1n wrote:

You seemed to say anyone who has a problem with such a relationship automatically falls into the category of being a jealous person.

No, but they automatically fall into the category of someone with whom a relationship with myself (who is prone to express closeness to friends through physical contact) wouldn't work. And vice-versa (they would not be happy being in a relationship with me).

I saw my girlfriend hugging and otherwise being physically close to her male friends when we were at the just-dating stage and rather than being concerned, as the OP worries her boyfriend could, I took it as a sign that we were compatible enough that it could work as something serious.

Kold

I wouldn't overthink it til I had to.

planck2

Lorax wrote:

If fellas were doing that to my gf id kick their face in tbh, its not a "friends" thing to do, if it was they would do it to their male friends aswell as you..and I bet ya they dont

excuse me, that type of behaviour is unacceptable in any way shape or form. I would suggest that any condoning of this type of behaviour merits a weeks ban.

There are some people for whom hugging , holding a friends hand and a kiss on the cheek is
perfectly normal.

greenkittie

The first time my boyfriend met my best friend (who is male) it was my best friends birthday and i was a little tipsy and a little over excited so i was hugging him and kissing him when we out all night, my boyfriend just took it as normal and didn't complain love etc.

Black Swan

Everyone is different. Talk with your b/f and share your feelings and observations. Find your mutual comfort level.

Kell

Talliesin wrote:

No, but they automatically fall into the category of someone with whom a relationship with myself (who is prone to express closeness to friends through physical contact) wouldn't work. And vice-versa (they would not be happy being in a relationship with me).

I would be the same. I am an overtly huggy feely sort of person but I totally agree that if someone doesnt get this, then they are not a keeper in my book.

K-

MikeHoncho

Strokes different folks for (words jumbled). Find out from your boyfriend where his comfort zone is. If he doesnt like it you can then either decide to respect his wishes or you can decide you are not going to work.

phantom_lord

FuzzyLogic wrote:

Both guys fancy you.

probably.

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

Acid_Violet

I'm in exactly the same situation to this extent; two very close male friends (though most of my friends are male anyway), we hug a lot and I'm very touchy feely with one in particular. It's probably quite flirty and we've all liked each other at one stage, mainly at the formings of our friendships, but we're good friends and I trust them with my life.

I've no problem with it anyway because that's just me, I'm cuddly and flirty to an extent and honestly I think that if you've no ulterior motives and they've no ulterior motives then it's all ok. Many times the friendship between the lad I'm particularly 'comfy' with, so to say, has been brought up and implied as something more by many others, as has happened with the other lad too, but my stance would be very self-assured that there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. It doesn't affect anyone negatively and if it did I'd be more sensitive about things.

If YOU PERSONALLY are uncomfortable with it though or doubt their intentions then you know what to do. If it hurts anyone or annoys your boyfriend and you really dislike it then you know what to do.

Mr.Nice Guy

Being touchy-feely is one thing, but repeatedly kissing a woman who is taken seems to me to be behaviour more suited to this guy.

Lafortezza

FuzzyLogic wrote:

Both guys fancy you.

Yep, the pecks on the cheek , hand holding and so on is them trying to see if there's a chance it's reciprocated. Not much chance of it causing a problem since if they're called on it they just say that they're being affectionate with a platonic friend.

When girls and guy agree that they are nothing more than just good friends it's the guy who's thinking "good friends unless there's a chance of more."